Trigger re MC and termination: AIBU to think the 'not telling people you're pregnant until after 3 month scan' custom is detrimental to pregnant women?

[VeniceQueen2004]

I am currently pregnant and keeping it quiet until the 12 week scan is OK. I did the same thing with my first child. I know it is very much 'the done thing'. But this pregnancy, I'm actually quite irritated by it and thinking I might say bollocks to it.

Now I know this is completely individual choice, and by no means am I saying everyone 'should' do the opposite any more than they 'should' keep it quiet. So could I please not get a bunch of posts commenting that I can tell whoever I want and just go ahead and do it!

I'm asking more re the principle - I feel the cultural trend is very much in one direction, and I think in a lot of ways even the basic premise of why that is the case is a bit harmful to women!

So firstly, the idea (I presume) is that in case of miscarriage/issues on the first scan that might lead to the decision to terminate, is that you don't get people all excited 'for nothing'. Or so you don't have to deal with other people's reactions to your early pregnancy loss if it happens.

But... miscarriage/termination can be a huge deal, especially of a wanted pregnancy. Many women (and their partners) would desperately want support and sympathy from their families and wider support networks through this process. The idea seems to imply that MC or termination for medical reasons should be a dirty secret the woman has to bear herself, not bother others with, to me.

Tangentially, I had a really easy first pregnancy - this one, the first trimester is KILLING me. I'm so so tired. I have had days I just want to curl up and sleep. I feel nauseous all day. Basically I'm ill! But I can't tell anyone this or they'll need to know why. I can't take leave from work which doesn't count against the leave policy as pregnancy related, which I could if I told them about it. So I have to soldier on, yawn through meetings with my friends, try not to whinge too much except to my partner (who can't really understand, not having gone through it). I want my mum village! I can't imagine I'm the only one who thinks support is most needed in the 1st tri, when you're not 'supposed' to ask for it.

I'd also be interested to know internationally (global village that we are here!) if this is more of a UK thing, or of round the world women are inclined/encouraged not to reveal pregnancy until the second trimester?

I assumed it was something couples did to protect themselves, not the other way around.

If a woman isn't worried about possibly having to tell people if something goes wrong (because it would hurt her and add to her stress at an already difficult time, not because they would be disappointed), there's no reason to wait.

Personally, I think I'd hesitate to tell anyone, but I can see how it might be helpful to have more support if the fist few months are physically challenging. If people know what you're going through, they're probably more understanding and eager to assist.

I'd not tell anyone before 12weeks as if the pregnancy wasn't viable or I decided to terminate I wouldn't want to cope with other people's reactions.
I'd rather grieve personally than have others tip-toeing around me.
Purely selfish reasons.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

I'm sorry you went through that and the person who got offended was clearly not thinking about whse feelings actually mattered at that point!

I am 9 weeks tomorrow and we haven't told anyone yet. I think for us the main thing is that both our famillies would be SO excited and happy (it'd be first grandchild both sides) that (a) we'd rather spare them the pain, and (b) we might want to keep it private - I'm not sure you know how you feel about it until it happens.
If we get to 12 weeks and all ok, then we'll tell them. If it's not OK, we have the choice to tell them. You can't un-tell them!

IME people do exactly as they like. I told close friends as soon as I got a positive result, but not colleagues or acquaintances. And no fb announcements

@VeniceQueen2004 thank you and congratulations!

We only ever tell those close to us anyway but its always met with looks of "why are you telling me?"
To the point that I ended up telling people what we'd been through after delivering our 22+4 gestation baby. Simply because I needed to talk.

Hope you're feeling better soon!

Definitely seems from replies that it's mainly perceived as a self-protective measure rather than to spare others... which isn't how I was seeing it really so it's enlightening!

Thanks for those who have replied, food for thought. I think the principle of telling people I would tell if I had a miscarriage is definitely a good one, and will let me get the support/allowances I need right now without telling the world and his wife.

Cheers Mumsnet!

I don't understand why you wouldn't have support in the event of MC if you hadn't told anyone you were pregnant? Surely at that point you tell them you've had a MC and they then support you?

My close friend told absolutely everybody including strangers that she was pregnant from the first test, because she was so excited. Sadly she had mmc, followed by another mmc.

She had a healthy pregnancy third time round but she didn't tell anyone until about 14 weeks and then very cautiously. I supported her in this because I'd seen the additional trauma she'd had to face explaining over and over again that she wasn't having a baby after all. Nobody was unkind to her, it was just difficult having to say it so many times.

Well you dont HAVE to. My sister told people at 5 weeks. I will be intending to wait until after the anomaly scan at 20 weeks. Because I dont want to have to tell everyone if something is wrong. I'll tell the people I'll feel comfortable telling that I had a miscarriage or that my baby isn't viable and that wont go round telling others. I think it's a personal choice and a personal matter, it's about how much information you want to tell people about you own body.

Well I'm not sure what you want people to say? You've covered why some people wouldn't want to tell anyone, why some people would. Which some people do and some people don't. With all 3 of my pregnancies most people we know knew before 12 weeks. Luckily I've never had a miscarriage.
As for your sickness, there are medications you can take. I'm on 2 different kinds now and it's helping a lot. I suffer terribly. I've spent the last 3 weekends in bed, because it's so hard to keep going all week, by the end I'm fucked. Don't just put up with sickness, you really don't need to. It made me very depressed with my second pregnancy, which carried on to become pnd. This is the only pregnancy I've been aware there is medication you can take. There are also several different kinds, so don't be give up if the first kind doesn't work.

Agreed. That’s why I tell whoever I want when I’m pregnant my view is I’ll need support if the worst happens.

In the space of the last 12 months I have had a TFMR and a miscarriage.

My TFMR was extremely traumatic and difficult for me to deal with. I had told a few close friends and my family about the pregnancy before the 12 week scan and so I had their support. I certainly would not have wanted to have to tell a wider circle about it. People can be very judgmental about TFMRs and I didn’t and don’t need that from anyone when my DH and I struggle enough with our guilt as it is.

Then I had a miscarriage about which even fewer people knew. Again, I would not have wanted to share this with a wider circle.

It’s personal choice but I cringe when I see fb announcements of pregnancies at very early stages to huge circles of people. I hope those people don’t have to go what I went through.

I think the majority of women do tell those that they went support from - whether that support is understanding that they may not feel well or that they need help with childcare for scan appointments etc. However, the number of people they tell in the early days is very small but those are the people they would also turn to for support if the pregnancy doesn’t continue.

As someone who has experienced miscarriages and a baby die neonatally, it’s an emotional toil to tell people and far worse to then explain why you aren’t pregnant anymore and don’t have a baby. Sometimes psychologically not telling people can feel like a protective mechanism towards everything being ok.

Surely it’s personal choice based on self preservation- if you are someone who would want to deal with that grief privately should the worst happen, then you don’t tell anyone until the chances are lower, but if you are someone who would rather share both The early joy and potentially pain to follow, with a wider group then you do so.
I made my choice based on what I personally felt I’d be able to cope with, everyone I know does the same. Nothing to do with expectation or judgement.

I told my manager at 7 weeks as I was suffering from nausea and needed the day off. She would also have been notified if I miscarried as I would want a day's leave at sudden notice to compose myself.

We told family at 11 weeks, but after we had an early scan that showed everything was okay. Our family don't live nearby and I couldn't face saying we miscarried over the phone.

Funnily enough I actually told my local friend pretty much the day after we found out, as I knew she would be my support if anything happened.

I think part of the problem is that many people don't react well or will say the wrong thing if the pregnancy ends in a MC or TFMR. I've had 2 MC's following years of unexplained infertility and some people including family have said the wrong and sometimes hurtful things which led me to wish they never knew about the pregnancies in the first place as rather than getting support just made the grief harder to deal with. I told people on a need to know basis with all 3 of my pregnancies including my boss (only 1 take home baby).

My personal experience is that I only wanted to tell those I really wanted to know or needed to know because I needed their support. I didn't want to have the pain of untelling people. It was to protect myself should the worst happen (which it did twice) not to protect others.

When I slipped into a SM post that I now had a newborn baby a few weeks after DD was born people commented on how I kept it quiet and they didn't even know I was pregnant. I didn't explain that the reason I made no big announcements on pregnancy or birth was because I was still so traumatised from the two losses and petrified of losing a third.

People have different views on first trimester pregnancies - from life at the point of conception to its not a proper baby, just a bunch of cells. This means that comments following a loss vary widely from super supportive and empathetic to coming across as hurtful, spiteful even or plain thoughtless. Some women like myself wish to protect ourselves from the negative as much as possible.

It's a tough call but I think people just need to do what feels right for them and screw social norms and expectations.

Last year we got pregnant, didn’t tell anyone until after 12 week scan ‘just in case’ so after 12 week scan told all family friends etc then put on Facebook. Exactly a week later we lost the baby! It was horrible having to tell people what had happened but I felt I wanted to invade I seen anybody out and got all the congratulations etc. People were lovely and supportive of course and made me realise how more common it is. But we are now pregnant again and we told our parents and close friends straight away as I felt I would need and want their support if anything happened again! I’m now 21 weeks and haven’t put on Facebook or anything this time just family and friends in person!

I'm very particular about who knows my personal business. I'll be open with a few close friends but that's it.

Which was why telling MIL about my second pregnancy and subsequent MMC at 10 weeks was a mistake. She told various mutual acquaintances.

My family and colleagues knew from about 5 weeks with my first pregnancy. It meant that there weren't loads of questions when I then stayed off work for two weeks after I miscarried and randomly burst into tears for a few weeks after.
I lost my second pregnancy at 8 weeks and told family and work then. (Was an emergency operation due to ectopic and I had wanted to wait until my booking appointment.)
Third time round, family and work knew from 6 weeks because I had to book time off work to go to an emergency scan. It worked out and DS is now a healthy threenager.
The support was important during those times and I have never understood the need to keep it secret until 12 weeks. If you are to miscarry, that'll happen one way or another anyway. And then you might have to tell people why you are suddenly rushed to hospital or signed off work...

Maybe it just comes down to how supportive your family and friends are.
We didn't tell family about my 2 very early losses, as we knew they would be very upset and that would have overtaken everything. Like a previous poster alos said, our families would have told everyone they knew, so we would have needed to deal with their reactions too.

I totally agree. I've had multiple miscarriages and terrible sickness. Personally I don't find it easier coping with first trimester in secret. With my first I hadn't told anyone or very few people. It somehow makes it all something to feel ashamed of or that you have to manage by yourself. I have told people pretty much straight away and would again. I would encourage women to think carefully why they are keeping quiet and who benefits from that. Ultimately it's a personal decision. I hope the norm changes though.

I totally agree with you OP. I found it really strange to have something so big in my life that I felt I wasn’t “allowed” to mention. There is definitely a taboo - we told some friends we were having dinner with when I was 8 weeks pregnant with DC1 and they seemed affronted by our breach of etiquette and started telling us about MC statistics!

Also, I usually like a glass of wine, and I really object to lying, so it was very awkward trying to explain why I wasn’t drinking!

I don't think it's generally to do with not burdening others with it if things go wrong.
It's far more about once you've told people, it becomes general knowledge, so you don't want the lady in the corner shop stopping you with "congratulations" or Uncle Darren asking how many weeks, are you now etc.

By not telling people you are controlling who knows. Then you can control how, when and who you give the information to. That to me was important.

I told people early and then had a miscarriage and wouldn't do anything differently. All those people supported me and it was a lot less weird than telling people who didn't know I was pregnant that I had just miscarried- I imagine. I get maybe not telling the world but I think your boss (if you have that kind of relationship) and close family and friends is weird not to imo

I told everyone in my inner circle every time, and i greatly appreciated the support when it was needed a few months later, everytime, but it felt like i was breaking the rules by talking about the unspeakable.