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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you're married or in a relationship, do you have sex every day?

312 replies

ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 19:25

NC for this for obvious reasons.

DP wants sex daily and would love it to be multiple times a day, whereas I'm happy with twice a week or every other day at most.

If a day or two has gone by and we haven't done it I can tell he's becoming frustrated which makes me feel inadequate for not wanting it more.

The obvious answer would be that he "helps himself" on those occasions which I'm sure that he does but that doesn't mean he won't still want sex.

What is your normal?

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 07/07/2020 23:18

I would be so bored of it if it were every day

Every day without fail puts it on the list with bleaching the loo and walking the dog. Not sexy

I don't understand why people think it's ok to try and belittle people for having a higer sex drive. If I'd said "people who don't do it every day are having sex wrong/boring etc" there would be uproar. Just because it isn't your "normal" does not mean it isn't normal and healthy for others. If you find sex a boring chore maybe explore why that is. Although judging by most of MN anything other than once a month wearing a dressing gown and slippers in the dark and in silence is practically prostitution.

DontStandSoClose · 07/07/2020 23:19

I think circumstances often play a big part, we have 2 children aged 4 and 2 who are a nightmare going to bed and without fail come into our bed in the night. Just getting time alone in a room together is a challenge! We usually manage once a week but it can get to 2 weeks. It’s not that we don’t want it it’s just that busy lives and children get in the way. We’ve been together 15 years since our uni days when a day just spent in bed wasn’t unknown. When we’d gone a couple of weeks without recently we discussed what we thought was the ideal amount and both settled on twice a week. Everyday is hard work unless you haven’t got much else going on.

SimonJT · 07/07/2020 23:20

Most days for us, but we’ve only been together just over a year, so if we’re together in ten years I imagine my answer would be very different.

Whether we have sex or not we always have some form of physical intimacy, whether its a long cuddle, bath together, non naughty massage etc. Physical intimacy/affection shouldn’t be linked to sex.

But whether you have sex everyday or once a month your partner shouldn’t be treating you differently on the days you don’t fancy it.

Disquieted1 · 07/07/2020 23:21

Every day? To hell with that. A sex drive is a curse. The sooner it peters out the better.

Pebblexox · 07/07/2020 23:22

Nope. However we currently have an 18 month who is going through a sleep regression so it's a little difficult to find the time, and when we do have the time we're both tired due to parenting and work.
At the moment we're probably getting one a week, two if we're lucky. Some weeks none. It's not for lack of wanting though, it's just that it's pretty impossible right now to find the time when little one isn't around.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/07/2020 23:25

My ex was like this and in the end I felt like a walking talking wank sock.

The phrase "whats in it for me?" would spring to mind. Not that he didnt want to please me, just that every single day made me lose the horny-ness that you feel when you havent had it for a few days. It was more of a chore...."here we go again". It really did get to the point of "Just pull my nightie down when you're done". Not the reason we split but a huge relief that I didnt have to deal with it anymore. Mind you, he was a terrible sulker when he didnt get it. He would deny and I am not sure he knew he was doing it, but you could tell he was in a mood.

Swingswingswingfromthetabletop · 07/07/2020 23:27

Together 8 years, 2 under 5. Generally once a week, although we're over 2 currently as DC had a bad dream and came in our bed the last time we were warming up.

Used to do it almost every day before DC but it's tapered off big time. He's also put on a lot of weight and whilst i still love him dearly, i just don't lust after him like i used to Blush

I don't think i'd miss it if DP said he never wanted to do it again, however, when we do do it, it's great!

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/07/2020 23:27

I should add that I do have quite a high sex drive, but two or three times a week is enough to satisfy it because anymore and it does get boring! A couple of days without builds up the desire so that when it happens it is so much better. Anymore than that is just scratching an itch and not they great experience it could be.

Original poster
ViVi6 · 07/07/2020 23:33

he was a terrible sulker when he didnt get it. He would deny and I am not sure he knew he was doing it, but you could tell he was in a mood.

This sounds familiar. DP doesn't strop or huff and puff but it's quite obvious that his mood changes if he's in the mood and I'm not.

He associates sex to being loved and wanted whereas I look at the bigger picture. I nurture many of his needs (as he does mine) and I don't need sex to feel validated.

I'm not making digs toward anybody who does enjoy sex every day, I mention feeling validated only because I believe has low self esteem.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 07/07/2020 23:33

Was 3-4times a day for the first 18 months, on days we were together without DC. 😀

We have both calmed down (or been forced to calm down) living together in lockdown with DC. Still 1-2 a day, but bit of a dampener limited to quiet, bedroom sex.Someone is sick if a full day goes without sex.

Best sex I ever had so feel fantastic on this amount.

Babesinthewud · 07/07/2020 23:34

Once a week. We’re too knackered to make it more frequent.

Socialdistancegintonic · 07/07/2020 23:36

I really agree with the sex every day being boring. I love sex, but the Some of the best parts are the anticipation and nice feeling, knowing someone wants you and you want them, but it’s just not a hurried have to get my orgasm fix wham bam. It’s better too wait a bit imho!

TheMurk · 07/07/2020 23:37

We have started going a couple of months between times which has been this year.

Prior to that it was more like once a week.

We, well really I am just so tired and we go to bed at different times. 2 young DC etc .

I will need to dig deep and find the energy to sort it, by the sounds of it we’re in the minority here.

midwifeyNC · 07/07/2020 23:42

Neh. I'm 25, been together 5 years, no kids and it's about once a week ish. I suppose sometimes more, sometimes less depending. Every day would be awful, I think I'd be sore!!!!

Socialdistancegintonic · 07/07/2020 23:42

This sounds familiar. DP doesn't strop or huff and puff but it's quite obvious that his mood changes if he's in the mood and I'm not. that’s your problem. Such a turn off - it’s very me me me.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 07/07/2020 23:45

I really agree with the sex every day being boring maybe it's not varied enough then? If you can't think of ways to make it interesting that isn't anyone else's fault. I wouldn't say "having sex once a week is boring". I don't think people should be shamed for being sexual beings.

BraveGoldie · 07/07/2020 23:52

Sex every day doesn't need to be boring... we wouldn't think eating every day is boring? Or enjoying listening to music every day is boring? It can be as varied as you like.

I find daily sex very balancing and revitalizing. I am simply happier that way. If something happens to mean I miss a day, I start getting out of sorts. Won't even be sure what's wrong, until it's fixed! Then I feel 'ah yes - that's better... back in tune with myself. 🙂

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/07/2020 23:52

@WaterOffADucksCrack

I really agree with the sex every day being boring maybe it's not varied enough then? If you can't think of ways to make it interesting that isn't anyone else's fault. I wouldn't say "having sex once a week is boring". I don't think people should be shamed for being sexual beings.
But as the OP said, she is knackered and not up to sexual gymnastics every night. And it sounds like he would do it but isnt fussed that she isnt fussed, so just gets on and does it.

Hardly sexy......

Thats why I find 3 times a week better because then I have the desire and drive to make it more fun and varied

Deadringer · 08/07/2020 00:36

How do people have the time and energy to have sex multiple times a day? Assuming you wash beforehand, have to clean up after, and have to work, shop, cook, clean, take care of dc, or whatever.

PyongyangKipperbang · 08/07/2020 00:43

Assuming you wash beforehand, have to clean up after,

Given I keep clean throughout the day every day, no washing before hand needed. And what are you doing that you need to clean up after?! A quick trip to the loo if you are not using condoms is usually all thats needed, although I do have a quick going over with a wet wipe after but that takes no longer than wiping my bum!

I am not a multiple times a day shagger, just a bit agog at the effort you feel that a quickie requires!

SewingKit · 08/07/2020 01:26

Once a fortnight if I’m lucky.
We have mismatched sex drives but once I’m finished with pregnancy/breastfeeding I plan to take medication to try and lower my libido.

Disquieted1 · 08/07/2020 01:40

God/Nature, take your pick, gave us a device to make decisions in our best interests. It's called a brain.

As some kind of evil side-effect, we were also given organs that conspire us to make decisions which are not in our best interests.
The sooner you lose your sex drive the happier you will be.

I'm still working on it.

DamnYankee · 08/07/2020 02:22

Oh, gosh. Married 15 years in December.

Maybe every 3 days? And what's your definition? It's not always penetration.
During my period - very, very rare. Just too uncomfortable and I'm a little squeamish. Faint during blood draws, etc. He's very understanding. So that's four days out of the month off-limits, I guess.
We have two kids. When they were younger, sex was less frequent. Just too exhausted!
Best of luck!

Mothership4two · 08/07/2020 03:52

@ViVi6 it's not really about frequency but when you both mutually want to do it. He should not be pressurising you or making you feel inadequate. It is not his 'right' to have sex with you.

But to put it in perspective, I can remember having a conversation about this with a group of (female) friends when I/we were in our 20's, childless and all in relationships. The most frequent was three times a week and some women in the group thought that was quite a lot.

IJumpedAboardAPirateShip · 08/07/2020 03:56

In our mid-late 30’s, together since very early twenties, kids are 8&11. He would do it every day STILL, honestly I’ve lost a lot of interest since birth of DC2. We’ve had a lot of stress and resentment and arguments in the past, spent 3 years scheduling it twice a week and now it’s prob on average 3 times a week, sometimes twice sometimes 4 times. Honestly I have no idea how long I’d go before it would go to the top of my priority list if his drive wasn’t so high. Thankfully the quality is still excellent otherwise I would really feel like I was just servicing him