DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

There was a similar situation in my family. 2 of us went to Uni and the other didn't and in the end my parents gave that child a lump sum. I don't agree with this, but this is an option for you. You could do this on the premise that DD is not getting another penny out of you for anything, she starts paying rent form 21, because now your son is set up, he won't ask for anything else.

IME, the DC in our family who have gone to Uni then got jobs have never had a penny off their parents since. In contrast those who didn't are still tapping their parents for cash well into their 40's and 50's. When you add up all the bits here and there it comes to well over 20K and yet still the aggrieved person uses the money spent on Uni as weapon to wield.

Your decision in the end. It may well be worth paying out the 20K to silence her on the subject once and for all. If you do you must be very clear that this is it, no more handouts for anything and she starts paying her way.

I’d be really disappointed in her demand. The attitude is really poor and as others have said, it was her choice.

It’s not as if you sent one child on a luxury holiday or bought them a flat. She need a reality check.

My brother lived at home with our mum and dad until he married and then returned home after his divorce. He was fully funded with them paying all the bills and lending him money, even though he worked. I left home at sixteen, brought my children up single handed after my divorce whilst our parents 'helped' him on the days he had his.

When they died, their estate was split equally between us. I still feel a tiny amount of rankle that my financial independance wasn't noted or appreciated, but that's life. I'm not going to march round to my brother and demand an extra £50k of inheritance to 'even things up'.

He needed their support. I, in their view, didn't. That's just life. And probably right.

She sounds very bitter towards her brother. I dont think you should buy her a car at all. Can you just tell her that you dont have that sort of money to waste and also you will help both of your children where you can in the future, but you wont pay on demand.

Sounds like she is difficult OP, but also young and immature. Sounds like she has some growing up to do. What plans does she have now? To get a job? Or further study? I'm sure you will be able to help her in smaller ways but not when money is demanded. Thats not how it works

Tell her that if she wants to retake her A levels and go to university, you'll help support her financially with that.

Have you pointed out that her sums don't seem to take into account her board and lodging?

Who does she think she is to demand to see bank statements? Bit of a wet lettuce to give into her tantrum and show her.

I would tell her if she goes to Uni she will get the same help.

Ask her who is going to fund this expensive car because insurance will cripple her.

And being a pushy "brat" isn't the same as being street wise op. Mine are street wise and even the ones with SN as someone mentioned as an excuse, they never pulled this entitled shite with me. Probably because they knew I'd probably ruin their street cred for starters. 🤣

20k set aside to be put into future training - fine.

20k car? Haha - no.

And I'm.wondering....
You encouraged her into Accounting- even though she doesn't like numbers/ academic subjects. Of course she didn't stick to it.

Is your daughter quite different to the rest of you?

@lockdownlunacy

DD on the other hand does not have SEN and is at our local secondary, doing equally well however I do feel guilty from time to time. We will have spent approx £35k on DS's fees by the time he leaves which may or may not become an issue for DD in later years.

Personally I’d put aside a similar amount for her uni fees.

I do think parents should be fair in their outlay within reason.

@CoffeeCup34

But £20k on education will pay dividends (well, hopefully anyway) whereas £20k on a car will depreciate fast.

I agree with this!

I wouldn’t go as far as spending 20k to make them the seen even if I had the cash spare. Life doesn’t work that way and you need to explain this to DD. Did your daughter work whilst studying? I would have suggested driving lessons as an investment but I’m assuming your DD has passed. Maybe save a small amount to start a house deposit off for her? Then She can continue to save herself.

how old is dd ? assuming you did go down the expensive car route [bad mistake] how would she fund it's running costs etc, does she drive now ? who would fund lessons ?

It's also interesting that she's asked for the £20k for a car. Not a house deposit. Is she aiming on staying at home forever? With you picking up the tab?

Tell her when your dead you'll leave her a bit extra in your will :P. She's bloody cheeky and needs to take responsibility for herself. Say as you paid for three years of accommodation for her brother you'll let her live at home for free for another couple of years, then she needs to start paying. 20
Is too old for pocket money. She's an adult. She can work for her money

Your husband is a dick - giving into demands to show your bank statements? WTF?!!

Your daughter is taking the piss... but I’m with the poster who said put “her” £20K into therapy. She’s clever enough to go to university, but doesn’t stick to things and missed the grades. She must have spectacularly missed them - because you can get in somewhere for many courses with very low grades. Or did you only encourage specific courses that were up to your standard?

I find it interesting that you wanted to push her into accounting exams. You specifically gave Maths as the example of something that sent her to sleep. You know she didn’t apply herself to A levels - accountancy exams require far more rigorous, Time bound, long terms application. She chose tourism... suggesting her interest are a million miles from accountancy.

Yes, she’s taking the piss about the car.
Maybe she’s just one of life’s lazy entitled people.
But I’m certainly at the possibility of a golden child here - and the car just being a way to express her anger at that. She’s had YEARS (since she didn’t go to the grammar school?) of feeling he has better chances than her. Did you ever address that earlier?

I’m on the fence with this one.

First I would put my toe right up the crack of her arse for demanding anything.
Second, i would give my DH & my own head a bloody good wobble for letting my CHILD talk me into following their demands.

@Jeremyironsnothing

"I'll spend the same on you when you go to uni" should suffice.

The thing is OP better be careful because if her daughter said I’m going to study 6 months down the line. OP will have to cough up...

it's all very well saying put money aside to give to dc but as op said they have modest salaries and are scrimping, i.e not much money available.
not everyone on mnhas a money tree at the bottomof the garden so they can give their dc £xxx for house deposits etc. they might not even want to anyway.

@romeolovedjulliet to be fair on all sides OP should have considered this though. What did her Son spend the money on when he worked for 3 years?. The daughter sounds very young and yes unreasonable but I can see how there is a slight in balance and OP and her husband should not of discussed money with her in the first place!

Oh imagine if her bro has the same attitude and she had demanded a house deposit!!

Rather odd though to push someone who doesn't like numbers into a job down that route. My dads side are all sheep and follow the family tradition of certain professions. Anything else is deemed inferior. If he had my number he would have let me know how incredibly disappointed with my choices they all were.

And I'm.wondering....
You encouraged her into Accounting- even though she doesn't like numbers/ academic subjects. Of course she didn't stick to it.
Is your daughter quite different to the rest of you?

Yes, you specifically said maths had her asleep within two minutes?
So, if this post is real, you specifically encouraged your daughter into a career which she was bored stiff and would never succeed in? That doesn't really say that you respect or know your daughter for who she is, or her own unique attributes. She must feel this keenly. The sense of being a failure in your eyes.
I feel sorry for the daughter described here. She has lived her whole life in the shadow of her brother. He has abilities our whole culture, especially educational culture, admires, and which she did not have. Your son may have worked hard but we are all able to work hard at things we enjoy and are motivated by. How much encouragement and praise does she get for her acheivements? And how much do you really mean those?

@Zaphodsotherhead

It's also interesting that she's asked for the £20k for a car. Not a house deposit. Is she aiming on staying at home forever? With you picking up the tab?

very good point.

I’m not sure OP’s posts indicate she tried to pressurise DD to become an accountant specifically. More likely they were trying to flag non-degree professional qualifications as a route to building up a career. Accountancy is one, there are others.

No way would I give her money in what is actually compensation for your son going uni.

She walked a different path.

My eldest could do the same. She had a state education where as my youngest two are in private because we can now afford it.

She’s never once’s moaned or gripped about it. Dd1 is incredibly independent and hard working.

If you give in to this demand you will enabling her incredibly entitled behaviour.

DD was very good with numbers in her particular ways. When she was in primary school before smart phones, she remembered all ours and extended families' telephone numbers by heart, with very little effort. We secretly thought she was one of those child genius that was waiting to be discovered. She was equally praised but she didn't believe me. She is super fast with the 3for2s and boots points, etc., so I sort of always believed that she could do book keeping as a first job, with maturity that would lead into Accounting, and that's a great career without a university degree.