DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

Just read the update OP. I think you need to think about the stories being told in the family, make a point of talking about successful business people who didn’t go to uni. Perhaps you could save some money towards helping her start a business when she is a bit older? What is she interested in?
She needs to feel that she is really and truly valued for her own gifts not just a substandard version of her brother.

I'd say no. You treated them both fairly, that's all you can do. Treating them equally leads to bean counting and resentment. You have many more years of being a parent, at some point what she needs will likely cost more than you spent on your son. By cost I don't just mean money, I mean time effort, commitment, emotional labour etc. That's what counts here, you gave them the same ability to complete their education in a way that fitted their abilities.

It sounds like your DD has a perception that DS is the 'golden boy' and that she is a bit of a black sheep.

This may be tied in to her own feelings of failure regarding her academic career and she has grasped onto something tangible, ie the money, to demonstrate this perceived unfairness whilst letting herself off the hook and not having to confront the reasons why she may not necessarily be where she wants to be in life (hell, who is at that age?) I suspect that's where the brattiness is coming from and deep down she knows full well she's being unreasonable.

I would tell her that as her and her brother grow up and go down different paths they will need different amounts of support at different times. There is likely to come a time when she needs financial support, for example if she wants to retrain, or buy a house, or starts a family and you'd hope to be able to help her then.

I'd try and avoid the whole 'but I kept a roof over your head' thing as it sounds so resentful. She's what, 18 or 19 from the sounds of it so surely as a parent you were expecting to do so til around this age - and barely comparable to funding living away from home.

Work out how much you have spent on her in the 3 years. Also work out how much she would have had to pay in rent and bills if she had been living somewhere else during the time. It will definitely be approaching the 20k.
Tell her how much it would have been.

She's got a cheek asking for a car worth 20K and piling emotional pressure on you by suggesting you have favoured her brother.
Just tell her no - she can tantrum all she likes.

I wouldn’t, it’s a ridiculous demand even if it weren’t for a car!

@GrumpyHoonMain

I would tot up accomodation costs at market rate and charge her.

This times 100.

Cheeky cow!

So, say you gave her a 20k car, and in five years time she needs other financial help, deposit on a house, escape from an abusive partner, medical treatment, whatever.... do you then say “sorry, no - you had a car”

She is being a brat, i may help her buy a small, cheap, first runaround but a 20k car???? Not a chance.

We put both ours through uni, DD cost significantly more due to her choice of uni and course. DS we have helped loads with renovation costs on his first house. I reckon they are about equal now, although I haven’t totted it up.

They both needed different help at different times of equal importance to each of them at the time.

I invest in their education. I can see where she is coming from though. I really can. All of mine will probably go to university. We all did degrees costing a small fortune - however I have NEVER spent more than £5K on my own car never mind someone else's. My sister did have much more spent on her -they brought her a car as well as uni and everything else. Then they realised buying a 19 year old a car even if second hand was stupid. However, they gave her a house deposit and then me one. When I needed help buying my ex out they helped. All in on it works out the same. I would be offering her a small amount to a deposit to be honest or offer her the chance of improved qualification. My brother has set aside £50K each (he's very well off) for each child and said that's it -for uni, house desposit that's it. and it's up to them what they spend it on. But not holidays or anything else.

You’re in a really tough spot, OP. I’ve read your update and it’s hard to see how she will be satisfied with anything less than the 20k. However, this may already have been suggested, but can you offer to continue your support of her for the next three years? She is three years behind your son in age and maturity and if you were to offer to help her with rent and bills during that period, would that even things out?

A 20year old can go to university now. She can prove herself by directing her energy. When I was there there, at least half of students were 20 or older.
Tell her to go back to college, redo A levels, get a job, and apply (and go) to university if she really wants to be the same that is! I'd tell her that was her option. It's there on the table, take it or leave it, that way the ball is in her court, you've offered the terms for her having the money, it's her own fault if she doesn't take them. Dont even discuss it any more.

This sort of conversation is never going to end well. I don't ever plan to discuss or divulge costs to my DC for this reason.

My parents were v clear to me and my siblings that their approach was to provide each of us with what we needed at the time we needed it - that the costs involved would never be equal and that they wouldn't be keeping a tally - but that we were all supported to get an education, live safely and healthily and gain independence equipped with tools to function well. I plan to do the same. There's no ill will between us at all.

Your DD sounds immature and therefore it shouldn't be difficult to communicate within the parent/child dynamic. You're the grown ups, you make and made the decisions and she doesn't get a say.

If you the magical £20,000 I put it away and say you might give it to her in the future if she were to start her own business or similar venture that would reap some financial benefit - or if she were in a position to get a mortgage in the future.

I think you have to make her feel more positive about her own achievements.

Definitely a big no to 20k for a car - 2k maybe

I’d say the £20k wasn’t a free gift to ds, but an investment into his career and education. You have the same available for her, to be used for further education or her career eg if she starts a business etc.

To be honest , I think you and your DH need to sit down and have a huge think and talk about how you have handled your DD and her demands for quite some time .

I cannot believe she “talked “ your DH into showing bank statements???
WTF ?!?

You guys have pandered to her bratty behaviour.
She clearly rules the roost .
This is not healthy .
These conversations should have been shut down immediately.
You are the parents .. take charge and give her one of life’s biggest lessons .
Stand in her own two feet and work for everything herself .

I speak from experience... my parents pandered kind this to my youngest brother...now mid 40s and his life has always been a complete financial disaster ... he is “ entitled “ to so much you see ....

Please don’t let that happen to your daughter .

Also she could study more and go to university as a later student ... she still had options that you could support...

It sounds like your DD has a perception that DS is the 'golden boy' and that she is a bit of a black sheep.

This - and it's sparked a bit of a 'well, I'm in it for all I can get' attitude in her.

OP, what you're describing is not someone who is 'streetwise'. Her academic challenges are only a small part of it - your son is far more likely to succeed in life also because he is a quiet hard worker.

Someone who is pushy, grabby, and wants unearned accolades will put her colleagues and employers off in any walk of life. We employed a woman who wanted every last basic commitment to her job to be rewarded as if she'd gone above and beyond. She was utterly exhausting, and she ended up fired not promoted.

(This is not the same as achieving something and expecting reasonable reward...)

She is being ridiculous and you need to tell her so.

If you were wealthy then I think it would be ok to even things up, but you are on modest salaries and sacrificed to support your ds.

Your dd continues to benefit by living at home. Now it’s time to take the financial pressure off your family and enjoy some of your money yourselves, however you and your dh decide to, not to get into debt to finance an expensive car for your dd.

Poor girl. I had the same trouble at school, still managed to scrape good enough grades but I just couldn’t focus or apply myself. It was very frustrating and upsetting to see students who were no more academically gifted than me getting A*s across the board, while I could barely force myself to pick up my pen. I was always in trouble for daydreaming and not handing in work, but I just couldn’t apply myself.

I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression now, and am fairly sure I have ADHD. Your DD May have similar issues underneath her ‘lazy’ exterior.

I think she is being unreasonable here TBH! She chose not to go to Uni and has benefitted from many years of rent free /stress free living with you guys !

No, she choose not to go to university so has the spare money to buy a car espically still living at home and not paying out on uni costs.

Absolutely no chance! You shouldn’t have told her/let her overhear but no, it’s not a competition. You have been good parents and facilitated both of their choices.

I’d work out the equivalent money she would have owed you in rent/food/laundry etc and let her think about that cost comparison. She is also more likely to stay at home longer that your DS who has now had his taste of freedom.

Goodness me - why do you tolerate this ill-mannered entitled behaviour? She is living for free and getting an allowance. Tell her to act her age and go and get a job.

My 3 DDs all had help from us at this stage of life and were grateful for what they got. They received whatever seemed appropriate for their life and career choices; help was given appropriately to their individual situations. We did not make comparisons in any way.

She is being a little minx.

OP
I'm still confused about this one year tourism course?

Was it a BTEC?
Or an apprenticeship?
It sounds like your daughter is college age.
Which, if she is,then surely you would feed and clothe her anyways? ( pp are saying she benefitted from housing etc).

And I don't understand the loan thing.
If you didn't get a loan,you would have had to pay tuition. So tuition + living expenses would be much more than 20 grand.

Your post is full of holes

This is even before we consider male privilege and the gender pay gap affecting your DDs life chances. In sum, your DS has a £20k head start on life compared to your DD and the gap will only widen.

Gender pay gap is a myth. DD chose her tourism course, I'm sure if she had chosen the same as her brother then OP would have helped her out as much.

I would suggest no one. not one single person would ever be in a position to tell me what to do with my hard earned money.It would definatly not be up for discussion.Shut it down now OP.You decide not her.I think she is very young and has a lot to learn about life...

And college tuition?

Are you in the UK, or the US?