DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

What about other subjects? Lots of people are not a whizz at maths. Is there nothing else DD would have liked to study at Uni?

The fact she demanded to look at your bank statement and your dh gave then to her shows what type of relationship your dd has with you both. She’s going to really struggle in the outside world with this kind of behaviour.

she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

Cheeky cow!
She chose her course and not to go to uni.

@TatianaBis there are different kinds of pressure. No-one is saying that @uniparents badgered her daughter relentlessly into being an accountant.

But it is very telling that that is the example she chooses to give us. OP may come back and list 20 varied careers - but it tells us what OP values, that the example (probably without even thinking of it) she gave was that.

My sister struggled to find her path. If she came home and said, “well, there’s this engineering course...”, my dad would be ALL over it. Show me the prospectus! That sounds good! You’d be good at that! Lots of excellent careers! But if she’d said, “or tourism”, he wouldn’t have to say “that’s a waste of time, it’s for the thick kids, you’ll never earn more than MW” - you’d see it in his lack of enthusiasm, lack of interest. Although, he’d have made the thick kid comments often enough that my sister working even have picked up the damn brochure because she’d internalised the message many years previously.

This is why I’m on the fence - I can well imagine this girl has faced the same, when her mother’s go to example here is a profession the thread itself suggests is not going to be a good fit.

She is being ridiculous. I went to uni and my dad gave me £30 a week for 3 years which was amazing! I am still grateful years on. My brother is about to start Uni this year, and in another country, and I know he will have significantly more financial support than i got.... it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

You should add up how much renting a room and paying for food and bills would cost her in your area for the last year or so and let her know how much you've supported her still.

If I am honest I would sit her down and discuss how genuinely concerned I was with her behaviour and attitude. Forget the money for a second , to demand this sort of thing is not great for an adult.

My DP have certainly spent more on dsis than me but we both got the opportunities we chose. We are not entitled to the money they worked hard for in any way. I grant you my DC are a lot younger but this for me would be unacceptable.

I'd honestly advocate sitting her down and discussing maturity and attitude. She would absolutely not be getting the car and actually I would be discussing where she can contribute if she feels that money is so easy to come by.

The bank statement thing is beyond insane. Totally inappropriate to teach your dd that that is remotely acceptable.

It's not a kick to your parenting because goodness knows everything can be done right and these attitudes can come out of nowhere, but I would be stopping it right now.

My DP were crappy in many things but I genuinely am grateful for them teaching me to take personal responsibility and a work ethic.

It depends though. If your DD had gone to uni would you have supported her the same? If you can honestly say yes, then she is BU.

Our eldest was always very hard working, focussed and got into a niche career, whereas the younger sibling pratted about, took a couple of years out, finally went to Uni and dropped out in the final year etc.

We kept very hands off, supported them both but also allowed them to make their own decisions and mistakes. We were very concerned about the younger sibling but we knew they had to figure it out themselves.

Thankfully, at around 26yrs, the younger sibling met a partner who was ambitious in their own career path and this seemed to spur them on. Younger sibling started working in a company in a lowly paid position but worked hard and has risen very quickly and in 10 years has been headhunted twice and his earnings now far outstrip the older sibling.

Thank god we didn’t try to interfere!

You invested in his future. She wants a car that will depreciate instantly and won't even exist within a finite number of years.
Has she even taken into account that you have paid for her bed, board, food and social life whilst at college?

I'd be telling her that if she wants to go to uni I'd also help to support her so long as she also worked whilst studying, just like her brother.

She's being self entitled and I wouldn't entertain being held to ransom by an adult child!

Forget about buying her a car, I would be looking into how much a single berth caravan on a site would cost.

Seems appropriate as she's interested in tourism.

I'm also on the side of your DD to a certain extent. You've chosen to reward your DS who presumeably is cleverer than your DD by funding some of his uni costs. Now you've opened up this can of worms, you need to sort it out fairly. Calculate exactly how much money you've paid out for your DS and your DD over the same period of time. I'm pretty sure the difference won't be 20k because as you've said you've kept her throughout her course too. Remember that if your DS was at home out of term time, you need to knock off the equivalent weeks from your DDs calculations. Then whatever the balance is, that should be made available to your DD.
With my two DDs we saved up throughout their childhood so that they had equal amounts of money to do as they wished with. Both chose Uni, but I would have been equally happy if one had chosen not to go; she would have received the same money. With your DD, I'd tell her that you didn't fork out the whole amount for your DS in one go, it was over the duration of his course, so she will receive her money over the same period of time.
Children should always be treated equally.

Book keeping because she could memorise phone numbers?!
That’s just a good memory.

Interesting that you secretly thought she was a child genius. On some level, I’m sure you’re disappointed that she’s not (and hey - wouldn’t most of us be?!) I expect she knows that too. You told us how your son got into grammar school all by himself... we didn’t need to know that on this thread - it’s not relevant to your situation now. Yet you has a little proud parent boast about it

Has that been her life - little proud parent boasts about him, knowing she’s disappointed you?

You say she was equally praised, but didn’t believe you. I don’t doubt she was equally praised. At least equally in terms of frequency. Perhaps she’s bright enough to realise that her was brother was praised for something objectively big, that you valued (getting himself into grammar school) whilst you made sure to “say something nice about her too” - which might explain why she never believed. Maybe that’s what you did - and she saw through it.

Don’t get me wrong - she can whistle for the £20K. But I think you need to be open to the idea that the £20K is not her being cheeky / greedy / entitled... but her trying to express something that needs to be addressed.

If you do cave in and get her the car remind her that the 20 grand was spread over four years.

"This year we are buying you all four wheels darling. Then next year the seats......."

Work out the cost of her accommodation, food, share of the heating bills. Use what your DS paid for accommodation to work it out. Plus everything else you've paid for and I wouldn't mind betting she's had her $20k. I agree with the poster who said you'd have paid for her to go to uni if she'd wanted to go. I wouldn't be giving her money

horrible brat comes to mind

@uniparents

And I am not proud for having raised such a child.

Your mistake is in treating your children differently in that you see your DS as being successful because he's academic, whilst you see you DD as a disappointment because she's not. I'm not surprised she's seems selfish! You say you wanted her to do accountancy, and yet she's not academic. Accountancy is really difficult! Yet again, you're surprised she didn't succeed. If I were your DD, I'd feel second best

I think you also should take a good think about your choice of name, “uniparents”.
University is relevant to the thread of course, as it’s the cause of the financial support differential.
But you didn’t choose: “carVuni”, did you?
You chose to identify yourself as a parent of a child who can get into university.
Maybe think about that from her side?
I think she knows she’s nothing but a disappointment to you.
Does she want a £20K car because she’s a vacuous materialistic little cow?
Or does she want a £20K car to prove that you love her the same?

I know how I’d feel about my mum calling herself a Uni parent, if my sibling went but I fucked my exams so badly that I couldn’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

on the one hand, DD is clearly trying it on and its unreasonable to simply pay out.

On the other hand, if you didn't have tons of money, I'm a little unsure why you wouldn't let DS take the available loans - combined with his working weekends/holidays he coudl potentially have fully/almost fully funded himself?

Its not that you funded your DS out of need - its discretionary payment. So I'm a bit torn.

I agree with @BoomBoomsCousin:

"She has a point in a way - you didn't need to put all that money into his uni education. He could have taken loans out instead. Because you put that money in (money that might have otherwise been spent partly on your daughter) your son is likely to have more spending money in the future, and not just because a degree may lead to a better paying job, but because he will not be paying loans back that are a standard part of getting a degree."

You spent a LOT of money on your son, above and beyond what was actually necessary to enable him to attend uni. Possibly you should think about investing a similar amount for your daughter if she buys a house or starts a business?

She clearly has some skills if she managed to persuade your DH to show and discuss his bank statements with her

Maybe she should go into sales and get a nice company car.

My 2 kids are at Primary school at the moment. I'm very conscious of spending equal amounts of money on them at Christmas etc. Especially due to the hand me down factor.

I would prefer to keep this going into adulthood and be open and honest about it e.g. we've budgeted say £30k each for you. Whether you put this towards uni/training costs or a house and business is up to you. Note this is not a blank cheque, we earned and saved that money so it is not theirs to waste on an expensive car, nights out etc.
I am surprised that I am in the minority of posters on this so I guess time will tell whether I/we stick to it.
Obviously money isn't the only factor but I do think that being open and honest about how much money there is and learning what it worth spending thousands of £ on and what is not is an important life lesson. It blows my kids minds that we can spend thousands on say getting the drive done but they can't have a few hundred quid for toys every month.

I'd be so upset to see this attitude of entitlement from my child.

She wants a 20K (minimum) car, and she's... what? 21? She's having a laugh. The insurance will be astronomical, and she ended up writing it off within 5 years anyway.

The two DCs chose different paths, that's fine, their call. But you supported them equally in their different decisions. If she REALLY wants to go there, work out a third of all the living expenses for the past 3 years, and present her with a bill.

And if she got her 20K car, "we assume you'll be moving out now, like DS? You're not? You spent it on a car? Oh, well we'll have to bill you a third of living costs..."

Or you could just forget all that, and laugh in her face. Cheeky little bugger.

I suspect it isn't about the money but wanting to feel equally of worth and value. I am not surprised she didn't believe you when you praised her. I haven't believed that you value her equally either. Justifying a child who is bored in 2 minutes by maths, being encouraged to do accountancy because as at 8 years old she could memorise phone numbers, is such a reach. Statements like we thought she was going to be a disappointment, I am not proud to have raised such a child.
She's not equal in your eyes and she knows it. It was always going to be hard to shore up the self-esteem of a child who had such a conventionally successful sibling, and it doesn't look like that has been acheived.
I think her behaviour is probably an expression of a lot of deep hurt. It can't have been easy for her.

You say she’s bearing a grudge for a long time, @uniparents
This wasn’t one over heard conversation - you said she’s asked before, “how much did he get this time?”
In what ways have you previously tried to address this?