DS wants equal spent

[uniparents]

DS and DD are 3 years apart. DS is book wise, got into a good Uni. up north; worked every weekend and holiday in a kitchen job, for three years; took a salaried placement year and is graduating this summer.

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan. We are not well off, just modest salaries and lots of scrimping.

During this time DD finished school, she is more street wise, chose not to go to Uni., studied for a one year Tourism qualification, and is finishing this summer too. DD lives at home, had no accommodation cost and we pay for food, washing, her college tuition and pocket money.

During the past months we worked on our finances and found out that all in all we spent 20k more on DS's University education than we did on DD’s.

DD learnt this through our casual conversations and had bad feelings, she now asks us to buy her a car that costs specifically 'no less than 20k ' to make it even for her.

I have mixed feelings, what would you say to her if you were me?

This sounds a lot more complex than her being an ungrateful, entitled person. Her anger at this £20k thing is mixed up with regret, shame, and guilt about 'failing' to get into university and not having the career options her brother does. Don't beat yourself up too much about how you raised her - schools push this idea that if you don't go to university you've failed.

I do think it was wrong of you to a) calculate this in the first place and especially b) to tell her about it. What was the best that could happen?

Her demand is obviously ridiculous but don't be too harsh on her. Sounds like she needs reassurance, not more shame.

Wow she's a brat and she's actually financially abusing her own parents. Do not give her 20k in any way, whether it be for a car or in another form.

Is she still living at home? So still benefiting from free/cheap rent, internet, access to the fridge?

You provided DD with free food and accommodation. You gave DS money to pay for his food and accommodation elsewhere. It's already equal, they've both been supported to adulthood

Exactly this

I’d produce her an itemised bill for rent, bills, food, taxi service (Along with an eviction notice) . I’ve never asked for anything from my parents, I’d be ashamed to do so.

I'd tell her no. She made her choices just as your son did. Rude madam.

I have three children, one at uni, one going next year for years and one I didn't expect to go but now wants to. If he hadn't we wouldn't be giving him the money we have and will be spending on his siblings. But he wouldn't have asked.

I think you need to tread carefully with your DD. The updates make this issue for more complex than she just an entitled brat assumption. It sounds like she feels a failure and resentful about the golden boy son. I'm not taking any of his hard work away from him but it is difficult being in a family with a sibling that has those natural attributes. The fact you paid for him when you didn't really have the money rather than letting him get a student loan shows how much you valued his efforts. I can imagine that must have been tough for your less academic daughter already disappointed in herself.
Forget the 20K car - she must know that's a ridiculous ask. She's just hitting out. I agree she needs a bit a nurturing. I disagree with some posts on here valuing your DS qualifications over your DD. For someone that struggles to complete qualifications and has past failures to have achieved this one is a massive achievement and should be celebrated as such. Not just second best to your hard working, naturally bright DS degree.

This is even before we consider male privilege and the gender pay gap affecting your DDs life chances. In sum, your DS has a £20k head start on life compared to your DD and the gap will only widen.

Oh give over. If the DD earns less than her brother it will be because he worked hard and applied himself and because she sounds like a lazy brat who wants everything handed to her. Nothing to do with his possession of a penis. She had exactly the same life chances as her brother but has chosen not to take them. Gender is irrelevant.

As a parent I would contribute £20k to a university education and if another child chose not to go I would make sure the same funds are available for any other courses, training etc. they might want to do in future. I wouldn’t, however, waste it on a car that will depreciate further with every mile it’s driven. And I would be seriously concerned about the family dynamic where the daughter is able to bully her dad into showing her his bank statements-that’s disturbing.

I would definitely not be buying a car to make her equal!

You never know what waits around the corner or when your children might need your help. Save your money now, she doesn't need a 20 grand car, but she may need more help in the future to buy a house, pay for a wedding, etc.

She might also change her mind later and decide she wants to do some further education after all!

Could you save up the 20k for her and tell her it is for a house deposit when she can match it. Your son did his bit by working hard and getting the grades, she also needs to earn it.

You've funded both their choices, and given them both equal choices with regards to careers etc. You funded your ds through uni, and your dd through her choice.

God loves a trier. I'd tell her to jog on.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

We helped him financially during these years, instead of him taking student loan

You invested in his future.

Buying her a 20k car is missing money up the wall which will devalue at an alarming rate.

^This in spades.

IME education is completely separate, even if it wasn't I certainly wouldn't be letting anyone demand a £20k car and I'm sure if she's been living at home longer and is so entitled she's cost you plenty anyway.

My parents gave each of us equal opportunity to go to University. My sister went , I didn't. That's where things were "equal" we could have both had it if we wanted.

Since then they've given my sister some financial assistance with buying a house, that I didn't need, but they did make that equal by giving me an equal amount of cash anyway.

You say she's clever but didnt get the academic grades? Have you looked into whether she may have sone learning disabilities?

I think you are being a bit unfair blaming her for not being as academic as her brother. I think some money towards a suitable car for a young driver would be appropriate. My dds both wanted to do a fair few extra curricular activities that I was happy to fund. Ds not so much, so I did but him a few computer games/ a better bike because that was his interest but spent way more on dds dancing for eg. because of the value I placed on what they got out of it. If he doesn't go to uni then he will get a phone contract paid for in the same way I'm doing for his sisters until the age they graduate.

My sister did this

Years later she was diagnosed with aspergers. That does make more sense of how she just sees everything from her point of view. She has a lot of issues and a terrible case of victimhood. It's hard work. Your dd sounds very immature and self centred. I would nip this in the bud as soon as possible. Why is her dad being pressured/letting himself be pressured for example. Just totally disengage from these types of conversations. It might do her good in the longer term to move out and start to live more independently.

If she's clever but get the grades because she didn't apply herself at school, it's never too late.

Why did your DH tell her cash amounts and show her bank statements. That’s crazy!!

You may also want to look at spareroom.co.uk to see what the current rate is for renting a room in a shared house (usually includes bills) which is technically the equivalent of what she has at home. Plus you paid her food bill too.

This may give her a wakeup call as to what you have been funding for her. When you live at home you don't necessarily see they money being spent on you whereas at uni you see your rent, food, books etc draining down your bank account.

Your Dh was completely wrong to show her bank statements. Equal and fair are two very different things. You supported her through her choices and you supported your son through his. She chose not to engage with school work despite being able. This is her life based on her choices. It sounds like she has done really well for herself in her field of choice.

In no way should she have the £20k and she is a cheeky cow for even suggesting it. Dh went to uni his sister didn't. His parents funded both of them, Dh at uni and his sister at home until she was 21 and then got married, they paid at least £10k for her wedding and about £2k toward ours.

What does she do well?

Have you considered an apprenticeship for her? She can earn her own cash while training.

She doesn’t need to be traditionally academic to carve out a good future. Lots of young people have successful careers and don’t go to uni.

No. Spending should be based on need not equality.

You could also point out what x years of rent, food and bills she has been subsidised by!

She sounds sad to be honest. Sad that she is behind so to speak by way of her future prospects.

I think the house deposit idea is fair. The car would be wasteful. You could pay fro driving lessons though.

She needs to understand the difference between equitable and equal.

This

I assume she is 3 years younger. She has already benefitted from no rent, food paid, laundry etc. In 3 years time she will have even more. If you break it down it may be more like £5k a year or under £500 a month. That's not a bad rate for rent, food, laundry, meals made etc. If she had moved out, your costs would have been lower and maybe you would have had to do something else, like get a lodger, to pay equivalent costs.