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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call out these kids in front of their parents who’ve upset my son?

181 replies

KeepYourDistanceFFS · 06/07/2020 11:33

DS is 9 and struggles socially as he’s quite shy and finds it hard to assert himself. He is well liked but doesn’t have a firm friendship group, not invited for play dates etc. As such he hasn’t had any contact with his school mates over lockdown. He has older siblings though so hasn’t been too lonely.

Anyway I encouraged him to set up a Zoom meet up with his classmates just to chat and have some peer interaction. Only 3 kids joined, one disappeared after a few minutes but two of them sent him messages on the chat function calling him a dickhead and telling him to fuck off before leaving.

He was quite shocked and upset. I am furious on his behalf that he found the courage to reach out and got that in response Angry.

He has a day next week where he has to go into school. There’s a big chance we will see both the kids and their parent's while queuing up to go in. I know he won’t stick up for himself as frustratingly he worries about getting other people into trouble, and one of these DC has been very mean to him on lots of occasions since they started school, the mother seems to be oblivious.

WIBU to loudly call these kids out on what they said to DS in front of their parents and demand an explanation?

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 06/07/2020 20:30

Another one who thinks that loudly "calling out' children in a line without having at least first spoken to their parents will make you look like a total loon.. other parents won't understand what happened and will think that you and probably your son by association are odd.

Crazycrazylady · 06/07/2020 20:30

Another one who thinks that loudly "calling out' children in a line without having at least first spoken to their parents will make you look like a total loon.. other parents won't understand what happened and will think that you and probably your son by association are odd.

SerenityNowwwww · 06/07/2020 20:31

Nah. I’m one of a crowd of kids and DS hasn't siblings (2 things not related).

As an ex child myself, I know how feral kids can be and even sometimes be lying little toads (cough SerentitySister cough).

netflixismysidehustle · 06/07/2020 20:36

You need to go to the parents. You will look like a bully discussing this directly with the kids. Shame there's no screenshot if the parents are the type to think that their child could do no wrong.

Loquebanter · 06/07/2020 20:43

Jesus, that is really kind of you. I was expecting to be hammered for even mentioning this, and I am absolutely not wanting or intending to tar all "onlies" with any kind of brush. I just know that my children say things to one another on a regular basis that make me curl up inside and make me wonder how I produced such devilish spawn. I also know that they would die rather than say the same things to anyone else. So if anyone had ever said that any of my little angels had said or done anything revolting when they were younger, I'd have said it was not impossible. Just because I knew how foul they could be.

I only ever tackled one parent, whose charming daughter sent mine a voice message saying she hoped my shitty daughter would die in a hole. I knew I could tackle her because I could trust her to know that her fourth child was capable of any level of horribleness, and that she would deal with it. However, she also knew that I would acknowledge that my DD (fifth child) was far from perfect either. It only works on the rare occasions that you a) know the other parents really, really well; and b) are both prepared to acknowledge that your own child can be quite horrible.

If neither of those things applies, then school is the only recourse. I had to do this on several occasions, too. And, I would add, other parents also went down this route this regarding one of my children (and rightly so).

God, children are exhausting.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 06/07/2020 20:53

Loquebanter oh no, did you get that heartsink feeling I always get when I see someone else has quoted me Grin

It really resonated with me because both DH and I had siblings growing up and were at each other's throats constantly. To the extent that I often didn't like myself back then, but couldn't seem to help it. DS is comparatively lovely, but of course it's only because it's in our interests to minimise his opportunities to be foul.

As you say, kids are exhausting.

buildingbridge · 06/07/2020 20:54

Can I just ask the PP's on this thread something.

So... if you are physically present when your child/children is getting bullied. Are you telling me that you just stand there, keep shutum and wait the next day to speak to the school? Wow.

buildingbridge · 06/07/2020 20:54

Can I just ask the PP's on this thread something.

So... if you are physically present when your child/children is getting bullied. Are you telling me that you just stand there, keep shutum and wait the next day to speak to the school? Wow.

buildingbridge · 06/07/2020 20:55

Can I just ask the PP's on this thread something.

So... if you are physically present when your child/children is getting bullied. Are you telling me that you just stand there, keep shutum and wait the next day to speak to the school? Wow.

buildingbridge · 06/07/2020 20:55

Can I just ask the PP's on this thread something.

So... if you are physically present when your child/children is getting bullied. Are you telling me that you just stand there, keep shutum and wait the next day to speak to the school? Wow.

Tinamou · 06/07/2020 21:12

It would be different if OP had managed to say something at the time. But she didn't, so she was planning to wait till next week to speak to the other kids or their parents (according to her OP). She can contact the school sooner than that.

Thirtyrock39 · 06/07/2020 21:13

Don't confront the kids yourself whatever you do you could get into trouble with the school I've seen this happy when a parent tries to deal with the bully themselves and it never ends well and makes the parent look like the one in the wrong
I think you need to let this one go and accept that some kids are ratbags. Sadly I don't think there's much school can or will do but make sure you've told them in case there's anymore trouble with these kids.

Thirtyrock39 · 06/07/2020 21:15

Just to add it is totally awful when other kids are cruel like this and I really sympathise
Hopefully your son hasn't taken it to heart I think sometimes these things are more upsetting to us parents than the kids

Loquebanter · 06/07/2020 21:25

@buildingbridge

Can I just ask the PP's on this thread something.

So... if you are physically present when your child/children is getting bullied. Are you telling me that you just stand there, keep shutum and wait the next day to speak to the school? Wow.

No. Then I would say something to the children concerned. In that situation, I would also be present enough to know whether mine had done anything amiss as well.

Jesus, your post actually made me laugh out loud. Yes, I did get the 'heartsink' feeling. Even after 18 years on here!!

netflixismysidehustle · 06/07/2020 21:28

Building bridge - I would say something to the kids at the time so they know there's a witness then contact the parents immediately so you can talk to them quickly. In this case the incident happened a few hours ago so she should go through the parents. An adult contacting a 9 year old directly will be seen as weird (power imbalance) and the problem will turn into the fact that OP contacted a 9yo rather than the 9yo's behaviour. The other parents will naturally wonder why the delay in contacting them?

EggBoxes · 07/07/2020 06:22

How did the messages “disappear”?

Also, I’m not sure it’s helpful to call a one-off incident, bullying.

lifestooshort123 · 07/07/2020 06:53

Also, I’m not sure it’s helpful to call a one-off incident, bullying.
Totally agree. The kids were behaving like shitbags and the world is full of those unfortunately. OP, speak to whoever you want over this but it won't make any difference to them using hurtful language (in fact it might just go under cover) . Personally, I'd spend my time teaching my son to be resilient, to ignore shitbags and that he is a wonderful kid.

UltimateWednesday · 07/07/2020 07:18

He's 9 ,not tiny. IME it's rarely helpful when parents intervene in friendship issues, as demonstrated by your disastrous plan for the Zoom session in the first place.

Of course, if there really is systematic bullying it needs to be dealt with and school involved but if this is a one off it's not bullying and needs to be left for the children to either resolve of move on.

Plus, between themselves, when they think no one's looking I don't think this language is as shocking as others seem to think. Depending on the context and what went before, they're just saying "get lost" which could even be in jest.

Either way, having his mother be vile to children with the express intention of showing them and their parents up, really isn't going to help him make friends.

thegreenlight · 07/07/2020 07:34

Don’t go to the teacher - there is literally nothing they can do if it wasn’t in school property. Go to the parents themselves and tell them what their little darlings said. Preferably in front of the children. The school would have to be kind and reasonable. You don’t. They don’t deserve reasonable.

formerbabe · 07/07/2020 08:23

Don’t go to the teacher - there is literally nothing they can do if it wasn’t in school property

They could keep an eye on the ops ds and be mindful that he could be being bullied. They could have a general chat to the class about online safety. They could send out a letter to parents about social media and how to protect their kids online. There's lots they could do.

Streamingbannersofdawn · 07/07/2020 08:43

I'd go a bit carefully OP...if you don't have screenshots. Why should they believe you? Your son might have said something first.

I had a parent come and loudly confront me about my son swearing at hers and calling him names during a leisure activity. It was awful, really upsetting. Unfortunately for her I had been sat where I could see the children, she hadn't. My son hadn't interacted with hers at all, they were, in fact at opposite ends of the field. I just calmly told her this and left her standing there like an idiot. She really shouted at me.

It became worse for her when two workers who had obviously heard her later confirmed what I had said. They also pointed out that her son has a nasty habit of following other children around and deliberately annoying them...apparently he's not the most truthful child.

I wouldn't normally be party to this information but she's made it public so...

SoupDragon · 07/07/2020 09:18

@EggBoxes

How did the messages “disappear”?

Also, I’m not sure it’s helpful to call a one-off incident, bullying.

From the OP one of these DC has been very mean to him on lots of occasions since they started school
lifestooshort123 · 07/07/2020 09:22

The OP started with DS is 9 and struggles socially as he’s quite shy and finds it hard to assert himself. He is well liked but doesn’t have a firm friendship group, not invited for play dates etc.
So, he is well liked which is a positive. Play dates with 9yr-old boys? Not sure that happens as often as it does for girls. 'Struggles socially and he's quite shy and finds it hard to assert himself' - this could be worked on tbh. Can you come up with some role play or confidence-boosting ideas to help your son cope with life's brickbats? Stand in front of the mirror each morning and say 3 positive things about himself, etc. Secondary school could be a lot tougher for him and now is the time for him to develop the skills to deal with it. It does sound as though the mother hen in you was hurt on his behalf (quite rightly) but it sounds as if he was OK with it. You won't always be at his side to fight his battles in life. Good luck.

LannieDuck · 07/07/2020 09:29

I know who would have been the instigator as the other boy has never been mean to DS and was given the joining details by the one who has.

I would start there. Speak to the parents of the boy who has never been mean to DS before - you'll probably get a much more honest and less defensive response from him. Quite possibly even an apologetic one. Get the full story (about how the other boy set it up), and an admission of what the kids said to your son, and you might even get support from his parents to approach the third child's parents together.

If he joined your son's Zoom room (even if fwded the invite by the other boy), can you retrieve his Zoom details? It's probably his parent's account that he used. That way you could send a message asking to speak to his parents.

EggBoxes · 07/07/2020 12:09

From the OP one of these DC has been very mean to him on lots of occasions since they started school

Ah, good point. Although why set up him up, unsupervised, on Zoom with him?