To call out these kids in front of their parents who’ve upset my son?

[KeepYourDistanceFFS]

DS is 9 and struggles socially as he’s quite shy and finds it hard to assert himself. He is well liked but doesn’t have a firm friendship group, not invited for play dates etc. As such he hasn’t had any contact with his school mates over lockdown. He has older siblings though so hasn’t been too lonely.

Anyway I encouraged him to set up a Zoom meet up with his classmates just to chat and have some peer interaction. Only 3 kids joined, one disappeared after a few minutes but two of them sent him messages on the chat function calling him a dickhead and telling him to fuck off before leaving.

He was quite shocked and upset. I am furious on his behalf that he found the courage to reach out and got that in response .

He has a day next week where he has to go into school. There’s a big chance we will see both the kids and their parent's while queuing up to go in. I know he won’t stick up for himself as frustratingly he worries about getting other people into trouble, and one of these DC has been very mean to him on lots of occasions since they started school, the mother seems to be oblivious.

WIBU to loudly call these kids out on what they said to DS in front of their parents and demand an explanation?

This is dreadful OP.I think miss the parents and go to school.I would imagine you wouldnt get any joy from the parents as their kids must have learned this behaviour from somewhere and you may not have too far to look where from.Now it wouldnt bother me cos I am one of those people who doesn;t care if I offend parents when they cannot be bothered to bring their kids up in an appropriate manner but that might not work for you.Many a parent of a shit has been "requested" to sort them out by me or would they rather I sorted them but thats just me! I would access support through school if you don;t feel comfortable addressing the situation yourself.

Ahhh that’s awful. Your poor AS. Some kids are really horrible.

I agree with PP. go straight to the parents.

You need to consider the larger picture and why kids would write such nasty words.

You don't know what led to those words and have no evidence. The reality is that only two kids agreed to join. How many were invited?

It sounds like something is going in, your DS might not be liked so much. You need to speak to the teacher to understand what's going on.

The kids will deny writing this and will claim your son said horrible things himslef which he will deny. You'll get nowhere.

In my very long experience of the school playground (my DC are now 16+), parents tackling parents (even if the parents are close friends) rarely goes well.

School is, on the whole, the best route. It takes some of the heat out of it, and de-personalises it - which tends to get the best results.

I wouldn't confront the children OR their parents outside the gate. Report it to the headteacher to deal with, because schools are technically still open and this is bullying behaviour they need to deal with. You kicking off outside the school gates is not going to go well.

Your poor little boy. I wouldn't call the kids out in front of the parents I would speak to the parents away from the children. If you get the appropriate response, ie the parents are horrified that their children could be such little bastards, then that is a good response and let them deal. Of course you may get the complete opposite of that. In which case, you’ve wasted your breath and I’d encourage your little boy to find new friends. Kids can be so cruel. My son had similar treatment at high school from a couple of boys who befriended him but were actually horrible to him. It’s heartbreaking to see.

In my very long experience of the school playground (my DC are now 16+), parents tackling parents (even if the parents are close friends) rarely goes well.

School is, on the whole, the best route. It takes some of the heat out of it, and de-personalises it - which tends to get the best results

Absolutely agree. Honestly op, go straight to the school.

I can absolutely understand your frustration and anger at your son being targeted in this way.
But loudly asking for an explanation or confronting parents and children at the school gates will not help. The parents will see this as an attack and not listen to what you have to say.
I would go to the school and raise it with them. As you said with one of the boys it isn't an isolated incident so I would make the school/teacher aware. Try and gather as much evidence as possible, stay factual and calm.
I think that the parents will be far more likely to take the information in if presented this way and from the school, as opposed to being confronted or demanded explanation from out of left field and in front of other parents and children.

DD has had a series of social media accounts set up identifying her and her school. The accounts all have the same 3 friends in common. When she told one of the girls concerned that she thought it was them the Mother went ape shit on me. Telling me her daughter was kind to her peers etc. In the end I told her to fuck off. I had screenshots of texts from the girl admitting it was them but the Mother still says all 3 kids were hacked...

She needs to give me a wide birth or I am going to smash her fucking face in after she called me a liar and a fantasist 🤣

I would not speak to the parents, as @Loquebanter said - parents speaking to parents about this sort of thing rarely goes well.

Speak to school about it, they have a stake in the online safety of their pupils ehich included safeguarding online and cyberbullying. They will have the contact details of the parents involved so can get in touch with them directly and will then be able to monitor the behaviour in school. It also makes the matter fair less personal and lessens the likelihood of any arguments at the school gates.

FWIW, I have been approached at the school gates by a parent about something my DC had apparently done to another child. I calmly told the other parent I was not going to discuss it and she should speak to the class teacher who would get in touch with me about it if appropriate. This parent massively kicked off, shouting about DS being a horrid little shit, about how upset her DC was and so on which I ignored. His teacher did phone me later that day to let me know what DS hadn't actually done anything to this other child, this other child had made it up to try and get out of going to school. I will forever think if this other mother as an utter dickhead and it showed an unpleasant side to her that I cannot forget, especially as her tirade included ableist remarks about DS. My personal policy is to always deal with problems between classmates via school.

I completely agree with @Loquebanter. I have four children, 3 of whom are through primary now, but two of my boys had a very rocky time as they were slightly geeky outliers and their cohorts really weren't.

I would definitely start with the school and see what happens. However, if you have a school which is hopeless with pastoral issues (as I discovered we did), I ended up then talking to the parents (who were friends of mine). However, rather than going all guns blazing, I said something like "not sure what DS has done, but have your children said anything.....DS thinks they may have called him X or Y, but I'm sure they wouldn't have done, or if there did there's a reason that I'm not aware of"....that way, they know that you know what their children are alleged to have said, but equally, if there is history of which you aren't aware, there is a chance it may come out.

Good luck -it's horrid to have an unhappy child.

I think you would be unreasonable to approach the kids, yes

Rubbish, they committed the offence, they should be willing to face the consequences of their actions. Too many horrible brats hide behind or are shielded by their age and their parents. Screen shot it all and give their parents copies as well as telling the brats what you think of them. To thise who object to the word 'brat' in this context, tough.

OP, track down the Zoom messages and then approach the school with proof.

Wishing you well

OP, track down the Zoom messages and then approach the school with proof

Just what schools need, a return to their role of policing out of school incidents, as if they won't have enough to do.

1. Go to school
2. This is bullying
3. I think it's highly likely these kids only joined to bully him. Why else? Unless there is a backstory to the comments.
4. It's likely he's been bullied for a while school if not many people joined and the only ones who did bullied him. Ie. He is isolated.

Definitely deal with school.

WIBU to loudly call these kids out on what they said to DS in front of their parents and demand an explanation?*

An adult verbally shaming and bullying little boys  in public.  That's you TEACHING  every witness that  its acceptable and gratifying  to  humiliate  smaller weaker people?  

Funny, I thought that was what you objected to when it happened to your son.

@mrsBtheparker cyber bullying is a huge issue and many schools take it seriously

If you tried telling off my children, in public without discussing an issue with either the school or us as parents first I'd make a complaint to the school about bullying behaviour from you.

You can't just accost 9 year old boys in the yard even if they're with their parents and even if they're little shits. All it will do is instantly paint you as unreasonable...including to the school.

Contact the school for advice on how to escalate, if they're anything resembling decent they will want to know about this so they can act upon it accordingly. Do it in writing so it can be escalated if necessary.

MrsB, it's highly unlikely to be an isolated incident. This has been brought to the parents attention because it happened in the home. School need to keep a sharp eye open on anything happening in school and this is the evidence they need in order to do that.

Your poor DC agree with others I would go to the school don’t challenge the kids yourself or approach the parents. If no proof the kids and parents will just deny it happened and you could make the situation a while lot worse.
I had some girls being nasty to DD in year 6. I wanted to go into school but DD and DH talked me out of it saying she would be at secondary school soon and just to let it go.
Things rumbled on in the background but DD didn’t tell me and this girl ended up in the same class as DD and made her life hell in the first few weeks and months of secondary school.
So don’t be tempted to not do anything and speak to the school.
Reading between the lines your poor DS is maybe less popular than you think but these kids are likely to get even worse in year 6 and 7 if unchecked/unchallenged.
The Zoom call which was your idea should have been nice for everyone but unfortunately backfired so you maybe feeling a bit bad about that.

Rubbish, they committed the offence, they should be willing to face the consequences of their actions. Too many horrible brats hide behind or are shielded by their age and their parents

Even if that's true, the op needs to think of the wider social implications it will have on her ds if she confronts them personally. It won't end well.

If you confronted my nine year old in the playground I would not be impressed. I would think that you’re an absolute nut job.

If you spoke to me and said “look, they were on zoom and there was an incident...” I would likely be mortified, get my child to explain, apologise and discuss with you how we can work together to help them be on good terms.

I would like as a parent to be given the opportunity to speak to my own child about it, rather than have him accosted by a hysterical adult in the playground.

Hope your son is ok. However you choose to approach it, it doesn’t change the fact that they’ve treated him horribly.

@EggBoxes

Attempting to humiliate them will be counter-productive. What do you think they will do afterwards?

Exactly. Way to make it MUCH worse for your boy.

I don’t think you’re approaching this from the right angle OP. You say your DS doesn’t have specific friends. Maybe focus on supporting him to build that up one child at a time. Is there another parent you know who you could reach out to to ask for support with this. Children aren’t necessarily very adept or have the social skills for zoom and the group setting can be off putting. Could your ds start by playing some age appropriate online games with one friend at a time. And you could monitor and support how the interaction is going. Also do you know why they were so rude to him. Definitely don’t call out these kids they will make your son suffer if they are the bullies they seem to be.

Don't confront the children but absolutely do take it up with parents