To call out these kids in front of their parents who’ve upset my son?

[KeepYourDistanceFFS]

DS is 9 and struggles socially as he’s quite shy and finds it hard to assert himself. He is well liked but doesn’t have a firm friendship group, not invited for play dates etc. As such he hasn’t had any contact with his school mates over lockdown. He has older siblings though so hasn’t been too lonely.

Anyway I encouraged him to set up a Zoom meet up with his classmates just to chat and have some peer interaction. Only 3 kids joined, one disappeared after a few minutes but two of them sent him messages on the chat function calling him a dickhead and telling him to fuck off before leaving.

He was quite shocked and upset. I am furious on his behalf that he found the courage to reach out and got that in response .

He has a day next week where he has to go into school. There’s a big chance we will see both the kids and their parent's while queuing up to go in. I know he won’t stick up for himself as frustratingly he worries about getting other people into trouble, and one of these DC has been very mean to him on lots of occasions since they started school, the mother seems to be oblivious.

WIBU to loudly call these kids out on what they said to DS in front of their parents and demand an explanation?

@MrsTWH

He’s 9, I’d be standing up for him and messaging the parents directly. Were you supervising the zoom call? Did you get a screenshot?

I'd let the school and parents know -it's bullying. Email the school and say he is anxious due to what happened.

I wouldn’t be trying to embarrass the kids or parents in public, that isn’t the way to resolve issues.

Definitely contact the school they deal with online issues all the time and will contact the parents regardless of whether it happened in school or not.

Little shits I understand your frustration but from experience do not go in guns blazing every action gets a reaction if you fall out with the parents DS will get the backlash from his peers.
Ask what happened don't demand.
From a different perspective my DP is 6.2 solid square shoulders he is very quiet, his DM is feisty she went in all guns blazing for him many times in primary school, in secondary she couldn't, he wished she'd taught him some people are dicks he still finds it difficult to stand up for himself.

Confronting children puts you on really dodgy ground. Parents often do not like their child being disciplined by other people, especially if they have no knowledge of what their child has done.

Your poor boy. I’d be very cross too and would absolutely want to speak to their parents , probably just a quiet word though you know not full of rage just calm and stating facts. I would definitely tell the teacher too

I would absolutely not do this in the middle of school drop off, no. You will embarrass these kids and probably your son as well.

Get the parents contact info or if you honestly have no way to do that, have a word with them. Approaching the kids loudly in front of the whole school playground will make you look unhinged (sorry if that sounds harsh).

Yanbu to not accept the horrible way they spoke to your DS though. So hard when kids (or even adults) who don't normally do so, get the courage to reach out and have it thrown back in their faces.

OP you are right to want recourse here but I’m not sure what you mean by “demanding an explanation.” The explanation is kids are shitty. Do you expect them to explain that they are insecure, they wanted to fit in, your son was vulnerable and they knew he wouldn’t tell on them, and their parents don’t supervise their internet use?

I agree with PPs that you are VERY unlikely to get a good outcome by approaching them at dropoff. The parents will be surprised, embarrassed, and defensive, which is not the way to have a productive conversation. Definitely contact the school and/or the parents privately. There must be a way to find their info— does your school use Classlist or have a directory? Do you know any other parents who might have their info? It’s pretty likely you can find it if you try.

It wouldn’t be the right way to do it. You need to speak to the parents privately or to the school.
If my child did this (and I’d hoped I’d brought them up better) and I was confronted by a parent in the playground like you’ve said I’d be furious with the parent. It’s designed to embarrass and humiliate them rather than tackling like adults. I’d still tackle it with my child as I’m a responsible parent but I’d be telling them never to play with this child again tbh.
You may also find it backfires on you with other parents not want their child to associate with yours.

I don't think berating 9yos in public in front of their parents is the way to go. Instead if ask if you could have a quick word with them and ask them to dial to the kids about bullying online, that you saw the comments (if you did) or DS told you and he was understandably upset. I'd also inform school in case it continues at school

Did you actually see the chat messages? You say you were in listening distance.
I ask because you need to be prepared for the kids and the parents to deny it happened.

and be prepared for them to say you son has done the same.

You just have to be very careful when you start getting involved in what kids are doing online unless you have evidence.

Doesn’t zoom automatically record? I managed to retrieve a meeting that I needed screenshots from.

My son is 11 and has been getting really horrible behaviour from 2 girls at his school, including them kicking him, teasing him, and generally being in his face.

I told him to tell the teacher, that didn't work, then I called the Head, and that didn't work (the Head was understanding but ultimately it didn't stop them).

I think you should try these things instead - I really don't think speaking to the kids loudly will achieve anything.

In actual fact I want to kick the parents of the girls in question really fucking hard and make them cry to see how they like it.

So I think what I'm saying is it might be that nothing will really work but the best way of keeping yourself and your son on the right side of things, you should go through the official channels.

Even though it happened out of school, it's still very much school-related - we're only at home and zoom meeting etc coz of this pandemic. The school should absolutely be wanting to help.

Well if my child had done that I'd expect you to come to me and send me the screen shot so that I could deal with it.

I would just speak to the parents, they can tell the kids themselves that it's not ok.

I feel sorry for your son and for you, KeepYourDistance, but boys of that age do call each other such things, even when they are friendly. They get carried away, think it's a giggle and have little loyalty. They don't really mean it. I expect they have forgotten it by now and your son will get over it if he hasn't already.

It would be far better for him to go to school and behave as though nothing happened, water off a duck's back and all that, than for other kids to know that he told his mum what they said! Nobody has died.

It was you who suggested the Zoom too, I can just imagine the scenario.

Encourage your boy to be more independent. Trying to make friends is the worst way to make friends!

I wouldn't approach the children. I would mention what happened to the parents though.

Really, don’t. Let the teachers deal with it.

Trying to publicly embarrass them is not the way to go about it, it turns it into a tit for tat situation. You want this situation resolved, not escalated

Don’t confront go to school - it’s still n issue for school and you don’t risk some huge alienating and hard to handle confrontation.

I’d directly message the parents. Little shits.

In this instance as you don’t have parent contact details I would email the teacher you’re in contact with, with screenshots if you can find them.

I am absolutely shocked children of 9 use that language towards others - I have two going into secondary and even they and their friends don’t - although I do think they’re a particularly ‘young’ year group.

Or do what my 9 year old DD's friend's mum has done. Constantly harass me because a mutual friend of mine and her daughter's has been saying nasty things. My DD has kept well out of it as she has been stuck in the middle. Am now getting calls demanding the other parents address or they are going to call the police!

I had a very gentle word with the the friend who has supposedly been saying nasty things and she showed me screen shots of the messages that Miss innocent has been sending which are absolutely awful.

I think having a friendly discussion with the other parents would be the best way to go. No need to go crazy otherwise there is the potential for this to turn really nasty

Not sure about involving school as it happened when school was shut?

Of course you involve the school, bullying can happen outside the school.

Attempting to humiliate them will be counter-productive. What do you think they will do afterwards?