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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call out these kids in front of their parents who’ve upset my son?

181 replies

KeepYourDistanceFFS · 06/07/2020 11:33

DS is 9 and struggles socially as he’s quite shy and finds it hard to assert himself. He is well liked but doesn’t have a firm friendship group, not invited for play dates etc. As such he hasn’t had any contact with his school mates over lockdown. He has older siblings though so hasn’t been too lonely.

Anyway I encouraged him to set up a Zoom meet up with his classmates just to chat and have some peer interaction. Only 3 kids joined, one disappeared after a few minutes but two of them sent him messages on the chat function calling him a dickhead and telling him to fuck off before leaving.

He was quite shocked and upset. I am furious on his behalf that he found the courage to reach out and got that in response Angry.

He has a day next week where he has to go into school. There’s a big chance we will see both the kids and their parent's while queuing up to go in. I know he won’t stick up for himself as frustratingly he worries about getting other people into trouble, and one of these DC has been very mean to him on lots of occasions since they started school, the mother seems to be oblivious.

WIBU to loudly call these kids out on what they said to DS in front of their parents and demand an explanation?

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 06/07/2020 13:28

The trouble with this kind of situation is that the boys will quite obviously deny it, and their parents will be sticking up for them as well .(probably like Father/Mother/like Son!) It will probably escalate and be embarassing for you boy. Maybe speak to the School and Teacher and explain what has happened .

KeepYourDistanceFFS · 06/07/2020 13:29

Well as I thought school not really interested.

I will approach the parents. I don’t care about humiliating them or what the parents think of me, why on earth would I, when they’ve raised kids like this?

It wouldn’t have been so bad if it had happened during a weekend or normal school holidays, but after over 3 months of lockdown to have the first contact with a schoolmate like that at something they chose to participate in is disgusting!

OP posts:
UltimateWednesday · 06/07/2020 13:30

TBH your proposal to deal with it by wanting to shame the children publically in such a way that means the parents will know but avoids you having to deal directly with people your own size makes me wonder where the problem lies.

It's very sad that your boy was treated this way but the wider issue is why so few classmates wanted to be involved and why those that did felt they had a reason to be so unkind. Nothing can justify their behaviour, of course, but there is something else to get to the bottom of here.

MissJaneLockland · 06/07/2020 13:32

Well as I thought school not really interested

What did the school say?

Gulpingcoffee · 06/07/2020 13:33

That’s terrible OP, horrible bullying. I’d have been mortified if my mum had approached other parents publicly about such an issue. I would arrange a chat with his teacher and maybe a senior leadership member and ask for advice, could they bring it up with the parent? What I remember from school is the ‘bad boys’ and we all knew who they were, they were mummy’s little princes who could do no wrong so I don’t think it’s going to go down well if you confront them.

MissJaneLockland · 06/07/2020 13:33

@UltimateWednesday victim blaming much?

namechange30000 · 06/07/2020 13:33

Go for it.

School were involved with a kid who was an absolute shite to my son. Nothing changed so I went to the parent in the playground and it never happened again.

Loveinatimeofcovid · 06/07/2020 13:34

Surely you can see that an adult ‘calling out’ a nine year old is bad behaviour. It’s one thing for a nine year old to misbehave but you should know better. Just pull aside the parent if the child and let them know what’s happened.

MellOhDee · 06/07/2020 13:35

It’s not very nice but it’s hardly “horrible bullying”!

Happymum12345 · 06/07/2020 13:35

Absolutely tell the school as this is classed as online bullying & should not be tolerated. He is still very young to deal with this type of behaviour, so encourage him to tell you how he feels and help him to find his confidence.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 06/07/2020 13:39

I’m sorry the school weren’t interested. If you spoke to the class teacher, I’d raise it with the head teacher.

But please listen to the posters on here and don’t confront the parents in the playground. Try and get the parents contact details so you can address it privately with them. You don’t want to make it worse for your child.

But also try and get some evidence - if you don’t have that the children can deny it.

Also don’t go in with the attitude of them being terrible parents. Most children can be little ‘shits’ from time to time especially when they are still in primary school egged on by their friends.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 06/07/2020 13:39

OK op, experience here from three kids, last one of who is 9, ADHD & autism. Quirky personality shall we say. Also 20 years as HR Mgr handling loads of employee grievances & bullying.

What you want to achieve determines what route you take.

Want your boy to be able to handle these issues himself? Don't over manage it for him, focus your energy on him, building in him the skills and resilience he needs. You may be more upset than he is. Don't disable him. Harsh but true for us protective mums.

Want those kids taken to task by their parents? Guess what, you have no control over their parenting. What you would do in that situation ('I would want to know') doesn't matter... Because they will do what they like. Maybe that bad language or mean play is OK in their house.

If you confront the child or the parent in public to say 'your kid did this and I think you ought to know' you are asking them to immediately chose between your child and their own/their parenting. Hence, as with pp, you are v unlikely to get a good result. Automatic defensive position. You've come out fighting, they'll do the same. 'Who is this woman and kid saying me and my kid are crap?' They're bound to counter attack you regardless of the truth in the middle!

If you think these kids are mean to yours in school, and are likely to continue to be mean in school, there's your course of action. School has that lovely set of rules every parent has agreed their child will follow. A policy, school rules, house rules, class behaviour rewards whatever. So not following isn't just a reflection on their parenting, it's an objective - and agreed - standard. Helpful see? Less emotive, better result, plus an intermediary in school. Secondly, if it is than situation of one usually decent kid getting carried away by one strong willed bully, rather than a campaign of continual, planned meanness by the same group of kids, that will be known by the teacher.... Info you can't possibly know. More than one kid could be affected by this behaviour. Your complaint could be contextual intelligence eg added to multiple concerns about same child being unsupervised on zoom, using bad language, linked to references of accessing age inappropriate material, arriving at school unaccompanied....family needing support. Or, many concerns from different parents about increased online activity is a good time for teachers to at some small online group activities around staying safe and happy online at this time.

Right now you are rightly upset and angry and hurt. But take a moment to use that energy productively for your boy to achieve the best outcome.

Caveat: I'd want to rip their heads off. Then after I'd finished with the parents, I'd start on the kids. I am super Headmistress polite/serjeant major when riled. In a scary psychotic way. 'Now children. Play nicely in future purleease. I do not want to have the need to talk to you, or your mother or father about this again. Are we quite clear on that? 😲😉😁 Brooks no countenance (no idea what that means but likes sound of it)

UltimateWednesday · 06/07/2020 13:39

No, I'm not victim blaming, but there clearly is an issue with the child's relationships. Wouldn't it be more helpful to him in the long run to deal with that? I do think OP's response/attitude speaks volumes, it's not really demonstrating how to have positive relationships to overcome friendship issues.

MellOhDee · 06/07/2020 13:41

I agree wednesday

jessstan2 · 06/07/2020 13:42

KeepYourDistanceFFF: "I don’t care about humiliating them or what the parents think of me"

What about humiliating your son over something which may no longer be bothering him? I wonder how he would feel about his mum going in and shouting the odds.

I note the FFF in your nickname.

oldstripeyNEWname1 · 06/07/2020 13:44

X posted typing by the time you'd spoken to school.

Bollocks to school not intetested. Drop them a one liner email along lines of.

'not happy with response. It is bullying. Arrange a time to discuss fully informally before I escalate complaint through formal channels.'

jessstan2 · 06/07/2020 13:45

dontdisturbmenow Mon 06-Jul-20 12:45:46
You need to consider the larger picture and why kids would write such nasty words.
.........
For the same reason the op has FFF at the end of her nickname. It's online and it's naughty.

formerbabe · 06/07/2020 13:47

Honestly I can see why you're upset, but you're not coming across brilliantly here op. How did you approach the school? Did you do it calmly and sticking to the facts? Or were you ranting, angry and perhaps not explaining the situation well due to that? There's a way of talking to people to get the result you want.

Casschops · 06/07/2020 13:51

I just don't think you will gain anything by publicly embarrassing a child. Your son does not deserve this at all but I think a chat with parents is probably the answer so that thye aware of their child's behaviour and can deal with it.
I would definitely want to know if my son was doing this.

formerbabe · 06/07/2020 13:51

Oh and I'm sure the school will have their behaviour policies online for you to view...have a look at them

diddl · 06/07/2020 13:51

Did your son ask to make the call or did you instigate it?

He definitely didn't say/message anything to them to which they were responding?

Has he ever mentioned incidents with them before?

It could be that they joined the call just to be nasty I suppose.

Tinamou · 06/07/2020 13:52

OP, it's not about whether or not you care what they think. It's about approaching this in a way that is most likely to get an effective outcome for your son.

PasstheBucket89 · 06/07/2020 13:54

Contact the parents, thats terrible behaviour from them, but calling them out' will make you look bad and immature.

TimeForANewUserNameMethinks · 06/07/2020 13:57

A similar thing happened in our school recently. Luckily the mum got screen shots though. But definitely involve the head, you may be one of many who knows, but even if you arent, the school should be told what is happening.

Tavannach · 06/07/2020 13:59

Check the school's anti-bullying policy on its website. Email the school referring directly to the policy quoting the parts which have been breached. Write it today and send it tomorrow when you've had time to revise it. There may be a staff member named as responsible, otherwise send it to the headteacher.

Do not approach the other parents - the situation will most probably escalate if you do that which definitely won't help your son at all.