AIBU to comment on DH's parenting

[tempnamechange98765]

Bit of background. We have two DCs aged 4 and 16 months. We've all been at home since lockdown began (we're in Wales so restrictions haven't been eased as much as in England), DH working full time and me part time. Monday's and Fridays are my days off. Neither DC has been back to any childcare setting yet, so it's been intense, but no where near as bad as I would've pictured if someone told me about this scenario a year ago

DH didn't have the best example of parenting growing up, his dad is a bit of a waste of space and never showed much interest, wasn't very tolerant of children. His DM is quite traditional and adores our DCs but I think there was a fair bit of her bad mouthing FIL to the DCs, arguments and playing favourites with her own daughter. Nevertheless DH has happy memories of his childhood and we have a good relationship with MIL who has seen the DC a fair few times in lockdown for garden visits/walks.

DS age 4 is lovely. In lockdown he's been quite intense and needs an awful lot of input from us, is needy etc, but perfectly manageable compared with a lot of children I hear about. Bad behaviour is usually addressed effectively with either reward charts or consequences eg loss of tablet time.

DH is constantly on at DS, about small things which I think should just be ignored/not made a big deal out of. I'm impatient and won't tolerate things like throwing toys (toys get removed for a set time), nastiness to baby DC, so IMO I'm not letting too much go. Examples of the small things DH will pick at are:

• sitting at the table properly/spilling food. DS tends to sit cross legged or with his knees up, is clumsy and spills a bit of milk from his cereal on his pjs. He doesn't like wet clothes so sometimes will make a fuss. I ignore this, I might suggest he won't spill if he sits properly with his legs under the table, but I don't push it. DH will nag about the spilling, force DS to sit properly, DS ends up getting cross and shouting at DH, DH then gets cross...etc etc. Tiny things like this escalate a lot.
• messing round when he's meant to be getting dressed, deliberately putting things on backwards
• making "too much" noise when baby DS is napping. The noise is just normal kids' noise, baby isn't a great napper so I always try and keep noise to a minimum any way, but the things DH will pick at is eg closing the doors too loudly, dropping toys on the hard floor etc
• general irritating behaviour/pestering. Pulling on DH's clothes, getting his food covered hands on DH's clothes, touching food when we're trying to prepare it for lunch etc

This list is just an example, but the reason it bothers me so much is because it always escalates. DH always comes across as impatient/angry when addressing these types of issues. I can see that DS probably feels micromanaged, so he gets angry, which in turn makes DH more angry, it often ends up in DS in tears.

I suggested the book How to talk...as I read it when I found DS' behaviour really challenging at the start of the year, and I found it really helpful in still addressing some behaviours but in a different way that doesn't escalate into a row/tears. DH said he would read it too but he downloaded it on his kindle about 6 months ago and hasn't got very far.

Sorry, this is so long but if you've stuck with me, the AIBU is that I'm at the point now where I'm fed up and will call DH on the behaviour. So this morning the cereal/milk spilling incident happened (we're talking drips of milk spilled, not a bowl's worth) and when DS inevitably got stroppy with DH for making him sit properly and pushing his chair under the table, and DH responded with "don't you dare shout at me..." I told him he should've just ignored it, who cares that he spills a bit of milk. DH then has a go at me for micro managing him, but I only call him out when I see him micro managing DS. This is all in front of DS by the way, I try so hard not to argue in front of him but in lockdown he is almost always there. The only time he's not is bedtime, so I do tend to call things out when I see them.

DS' mood is often affected for the rest of the day then, if there's been shouting from DH and him crying. It's generally me who then has to handle him as I'm working PT. Plus, I don't really want him to be an unhappy child who's constantly picked at.

So AIBU? Should I just bite my tongue, walk away?

I'm really interested to hear about what others do when it comes to co-parenting.

It’s a very good point that pp have made - and you have confirmed op - that the table and chairs are the wrong size for the dc - therefore of course it’s difficult to “sit properly”.

Even at 6 my Ds has a child’s chair to bring him up to the table as I realised it was unfair to ask him to sit nicely when he was coping with adult sized furniture. Kids often sit much better at nursery and school for this reason - the furniture is made for them!

It’s a bit like how desks and chairs are all designed for men - and office temperatures set for them - and it’s uncomfortable for women, I guess.

If you feel it is the furniture have you considered getting him (and baby) a trip trap chair? they encourage the good posture and are near impossible to sit poorly on so should resolve a lot of issues

The best advice I'd ever give to parents of young children is not to sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles!

However I'd wait to speak calmly to your husband about it until you're alone. You pulling him up on his tone or words in front of your son only undermines your DH.

I said it in my first post about furniture making it hard for kids to sit ‘properly my - trip trap are amazing ! They’re expensive though. The toddler bumbo fits up to about 6yrs and works a bit like a wedge seat or wobble cushion too. Have a read of this op:

yourkidstable.com/wobble-cushion/

I'd also add that I think modelling behaviour is more effective than telling kids what to do and how to behave at that age. If your DS sees his dad shouting, it's ok in his mind to shout at you. It's legitimised. Telling him not to do it has much less impact.

Maybe raise that with your DH - not that he's wrong to get frustrated, but to let it explode into anger will encourage the same behaviour from his son.

Equally, modelling calm, pleasant voices, good manners and thoughtful gestures at home will encourage the same behaviour from your DS and hopefully lead to less friction for all of you!

I'd also add that I think modelling behaviour is more effective than telling kids what to do and how to behave at that age. If your DS sees his dad shouting, it's ok in his mind to shout at you. It's legitimised. Telling him not to do it has much less impact.

Maybe raise that with your DH - not that he's wrong to get frustrated, but to let it explode into anger will encourage the same behaviour from his son.

Equally, modelling calm, pleasant voices, good manners and thoughtful gestures at home will encourage the same behaviour from your DS and hopefully lead to less friction for all of you!

Thanks cheeseislife2020. I'm hoping a cushion will do the job to be honest! I can only assume DS has decent enough balance and core strength as he learned to ride his two wheeled bike on the first go...I'll see how it goes with the cushion and will keep the wobble board in mind. As much as I love the Tripp Trapps, I don't really have the budget. Our chairs must be uncomfortable for him in fairness.

I've spoken to DH tonight and have said I'll really stop commenting on his parenting in front of DS. I also made the point that it's not necessarily what he addresses but how he goes about it, and he's said he'll go easier on DS. I think he knows he's a bit hard on him, but it's intense being together 24/7 whilst trying to work etc. We also have DC2 in the mix who's 16 months and very demanding. Lockdown has overall brought us closer as a family and I'm now convinced DH and I are made to last because of this! But he does have his flaws. I do too.

The default parent thing does really annoy me. I've read countless posts on here about it, it's ALWAYS the woman who is the default parent. And DH copes excellently on his own with the DC (as he should!) and to be honest has done more solo parenting than me when it comes to whole weekends, as I tend to have more weekends away with friends etc. Whereas I do more of the day to day, especially as I haven't long been on maternity leave for the second time.

@tempnamechange98765 that sounds really positive.

Just another quick note on the cushion - used to put my dd on a booster seat like you’d use in a car and push her chair right in, and it worked a treat. Also small child size cutlery, especially ergonomic cutlery like this www.nanasmanners.com/ is fab.

The default parenting thing is really annoying...Especially at weekends when things should be split. We suffer from that here.

We have a very firm wipe clean cushion which DS (who is a very tall 2) sits on at the table on a normal chair to do colouring in and painting. He tends to go in his high chair for meals, otherwise he messes around. But it might work for your DS. It's something like this (I've forgotten the exact one we bought):

www.amazon.co.uk/BTSKY-Dismountable-Adjustable-Washable-Increasing/dp/B01IXW39BI/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&s=baby&keywords=btsky+cushion&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1594067696&sr=1-2

Good luck with progress. Personally i couldn't be living in a shouty tense house and especially when everyone is living together 24/7 it's even more important to pick your battles and chill the little stuff.

sillysmiles I agree tbh which is why I've been telling DH to let things go! The feedback we always have about DS is that he's a polite little boy...so I (personally) can't get too upset about how he sits at the table...but I said to DH that if it's important to him then fine, but please to address it differently!

sillysmiles I agree tbh which is why I've been telling DH to let things go! The feedback we always have about DS is that he's a polite little boy...so I (personally) can't get too upset about how he sits at the table...but I said to DH that if it's important to him then fine, but please to address it differently!

I am a grandmother to a 4 year old and 2 year old and think some of the responses here are quite harsh. These are strange circumstances and he maybe is not getting as much individual attention with your DH and you working from home and no grandparents or nursery. Agree with your DH what is acceptable and what isn't. I would not get too worked up about the not sitting properly. Most pre schoolers have ants in their pants and fidget and make a lot of noise so that would not bother me. We make sure our grandchildren sit at the table for snacks and wipe or wash hands after and before so the getting food on clothes would not happen.

So maybe a conversation with your DH is in order with you agreeing not to undermine him in front of your DS or your DS will play you one against the other and maybe your DH settling on a few things he finds really unacceptable and you both pull him up on this every time so you are both consistent. I agree that you don't want to spend your whole day nagging him though and your DH needs to understand he is only 4. Does your DH have any quality time with him where he sits and plays with him? Maybe your DS is playing him up because he is trying to get his attention.

The original post sets out the situation in such an unfair and biased manner that I am not surprised the OP is angry ppl haven't taken her bait and cast the DH as the villain.
We start with how bad DH's childhood was, negative points are added about his parents and their parenting style.
There is no doubt about who we should be blaming here. Sadly the actual gripes that DH has , most of us as parents will understand as perfectly legitimate and needing to be challenged.
I am not surprised your DH is getting frustrated, he has a 4 year old openly flouting and acting up despite what he says and the reason for this is the op's attempts to undermined him at every turn.
Later posts by the OP have seen herself continual cast herself as the victim and blame ppl who dare to have a different opinion.
All 4 year old mess about and make mistakes, its their way of learning, and what you should do as a parent is to be teaching them and not ignoring it as inconsequential.
Once your kid hits 10 or older, than trying to start to teaching them good manners will be a lot more difficult
I dont think the DH's frustration comes from being ignored and told his parenting style is either unimportant or wrong.