AIBU to comment on DH's parenting

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Bit of background. We have two DCs aged 4 and 16 months. We've all been at home since lockdown began (we're in Wales so restrictions haven't been eased as much as in England), DH working full time and me part time. Monday's and Fridays are my days off. Neither DC has been back to any childcare setting yet, so it's been intense, but no where near as bad as I would've pictured if someone told me about this scenario a year ago

DH didn't have the best example of parenting growing up, his dad is a bit of a waste of space and never showed much interest, wasn't very tolerant of children. His DM is quite traditional and adores our DCs but I think there was a fair bit of her bad mouthing FIL to the DCs, arguments and playing favourites with her own daughter. Nevertheless DH has happy memories of his childhood and we have a good relationship with MIL who has seen the DC a fair few times in lockdown for garden visits/walks.

DS age 4 is lovely. In lockdown he's been quite intense and needs an awful lot of input from us, is needy etc, but perfectly manageable compared with a lot of children I hear about. Bad behaviour is usually addressed effectively with either reward charts or consequences eg loss of tablet time.

DH is constantly on at DS, about small things which I think should just be ignored/not made a big deal out of. I'm impatient and won't tolerate things like throwing toys (toys get removed for a set time), nastiness to baby DC, so IMO I'm not letting too much go. Examples of the small things DH will pick at are:

• sitting at the table properly/spilling food. DS tends to sit cross legged or with his knees up, is clumsy and spills a bit of milk from his cereal on his pjs. He doesn't like wet clothes so sometimes will make a fuss. I ignore this, I might suggest he won't spill if he sits properly with his legs under the table, but I don't push it. DH will nag about the spilling, force DS to sit properly, DS ends up getting cross and shouting at DH, DH then gets cross...etc etc. Tiny things like this escalate a lot.
• messing round when he's meant to be getting dressed, deliberately putting things on backwards
• making "too much" noise when baby DS is napping. The noise is just normal kids' noise, baby isn't a great napper so I always try and keep noise to a minimum any way, but the things DH will pick at is eg closing the doors too loudly, dropping toys on the hard floor etc
• general irritating behaviour/pestering. Pulling on DH's clothes, getting his food covered hands on DH's clothes, touching food when we're trying to prepare it for lunch etc

This list is just an example, but the reason it bothers me so much is because it always escalates. DH always comes across as impatient/angry when addressing these types of issues. I can see that DS probably feels micromanaged, so he gets angry, which in turn makes DH more angry, it often ends up in DS in tears.

I suggested the book How to talk...as I read it when I found DS' behaviour really challenging at the start of the year, and I found it really helpful in still addressing some behaviours but in a different way that doesn't escalate into a row/tears. DH said he would read it too but he downloaded it on his kindle about 6 months ago and hasn't got very far.

Sorry, this is so long but if you've stuck with me, the AIBU is that I'm at the point now where I'm fed up and will call DH on the behaviour. So this morning the cereal/milk spilling incident happened (we're talking drips of milk spilled, not a bowl's worth) and when DS inevitably got stroppy with DH for making him sit properly and pushing his chair under the table, and DH responded with "don't you dare shout at me..." I told him he should've just ignored it, who cares that he spills a bit of milk. DH then has a go at me for micro managing him, but I only call him out when I see him micro managing DS. This is all in front of DS by the way, I try so hard not to argue in front of him but in lockdown he is almost always there. The only time he's not is bedtime, so I do tend to call things out when I see them.

DS' mood is often affected for the rest of the day then, if there's been shouting from DH and him crying. It's generally me who then has to handle him as I'm working PT. Plus, I don't really want him to be an unhappy child who's constantly picked at.

So AIBU? Should I just bite my tongue, walk away?

I'm really interested to hear about what others do when it comes to co-parenting.

I just don't have the energy or the time for such a battle over that kind of thing which really doesn't matter
I think this quote sums up this entire thread. OP just can't be bothered to parents so DH is doing it all alone. Unfortunately, the child is the one who's left in the lurch with unclear boundaries and bad habits.

I can’t abide a picker - like your DH. No one can ever relax!

I think a lot of people who have said YABU have never had to live with one!

Poor Dh 'going it alone'

He needs lots of love, silliness and fun to boost his spirits. He doesn't need to be henpecked and shouted at.

Absolutely, but that doesn't mean that he can sit with his knees up at the table, wipe mucky hands everywhere and mess about all the time. I mean, he starts school in September where he will be expected to sit properly at the table to eat his meals. He's old enough to know that you don't sit with your knees up to eat your dinner!

If OP isn't bothering to even interfere on such minor things like sitting properly at the table, what else isn't he being picked up on? I would be really infuriated if I was doing all the correcting and instilling of manners because my partner "didn't think it was worth the fuss".

This is the only one which I wouldn’t put into the “picking” (by your DH) category and that I wouldn’t put up with (from dc):

Pulling on DH's clothes, getting his food covered hands on DH's clothes, touching food when we're trying to prepare it for lunch etc

@DrPatient. I may be wide of the mark here (in which case I'm sure the OP will correct me), but my reading of the situation is that it's OP who does the lion's share of the parenting but her DH has had to step up in lockdown. And the extra childcare and associated stress is making him grumpy and short-tempered with their DS. In which case it isn't the OP who is falling short as a parent...

DrPatient I don't think you can have read all my posts properly, as I clearly state I have read parenting books, will seek advice on my parenting styles, have discovered what works and what doesn't work with DS, so I don't see how you have equated that to me being lazy in my parenting. DH will openly admit I'm the glue holding us all together. Since lockdown DS has learned how to write his name and ride a two wheeled bike. Who do you think it was who taught him that? He is a polite little boy.

@deadringer I really like your idea about vetoing some behaviours and discussing what's acceptable for us, thanks. And I should've been clear in my OP but yes it was pjs the milk was going on, since lockdown DS has been coming downstairs in his pjs and watching TV for an hour before breakfast, and gets dressed afterwards. Pre lockdown, this would never have happened and he was always dressed and downstairs having breakfast in his clothes - I admit I was more careful about making sure his chair is pushed in properly then and he's sat properly, so as not to get breakfast on his uniform.

@user8558 yes you're spot on, he's at our usual table and is too small for it. I actually gave him a cushion to sit on today at lunch and tea time after this thread and insisted he put his legs down straight! At nursery he has all meals there, and the tables are small and child sized.

@chaosrising thank you, and yes I take the majority of the responsibility. My DH is a wonderful man in many ways and kind, but he will admit he's lazy. It's been me desperately trying to keep some kind of learning up for DS in lockdown, looking up ways to learn through play etc. I am absolutely the default parent. I was on maternity leave up until January and was only back in work two months before lockdown, and am PT 3 days a week. I'm also doing fewer hours than DH on the days I am working, as my employer is a lot more understanding about how difficult impossible it is to WFH with two small children under 5!

One of the most useful things I did with DD2 was not have the TV on before breakfast. If it had been on, her behaviour was far worse for everybody who encountered her for the next couple of hours.

Thought so... I'm afraid I can't stand men who abdicate most household responsibilities to their OH and then drift in and criticize and upset the DC. You have my sympathy .

You're the main parent, working with 2 kids under 5 in lock down and yet according to some, you're meant to support every parenting decision your dh makes, to put up a 'united front' to avoid fucking up your kids

When we were wfh with DS (luckily now back in childcare), it was 'floor picnics' with the TV on every night as I tried to catch up on work. If DH had criticized, I would have hit him over the head with the meat mallet.

I don't understand the issue with sitting at a table "properly" I tend to sit on my my knees or one leg. I'm not comfortable otherwise, I'd get really pissed off if someone was telling me how to sit. I absolutely think he's micro-managing, pick your battles and all that.

Yes my dh was one of those fuckers who left all parenting to me, but would barge in shouting the odds if anything got spilled, or the dc were noisy, or annoyed him in any way. If i stood up to him when he shouted at the dc he would accuse me of not backing him up, that was his trump card, no matter how loud or unreasonable he was. My own experience has no doubt coloured my judgement in this, but i suppose everyones's does. Funnily enough he was amazing as a husband, loving, loyal, kind, just a crap dad.

@Nottherealslimshady

I don't understand the issue with sitting at a table "properly" I tend to sit on my my knees or one leg. I'm not comfortable otherwise, I'd get really pissed off if someone was telling me how to sit. I absolutely think he's micro-managing, pick your battles and all that.

So do I, but I'm an adult and I can eat my dinner like that without spilling it all down my front - something OP admits her DS cannot do.

It's basic manners to sit nicely at the table, and it's what's expected of children at school too. It's also what would be expected of them if you took them out for meals. Good manners start at home.

@Macncheeseballs

Sandmason - why are the dh's 'core values' more important than the op's?

I don’t think they are. But the OP’s values aren’t the ones being undermined by inaction.

@Deadringer. There's something very off-putting about grown men shouting aggressively at small children, isn't there? And then wanting to be 'backed up' in their aggression.

I'm totally with you OP.

I wouldn't do it front of the children because it is important to show a united front but I had a conversation with my DH about this quite early on in lockdown. Ultimately, he's not usually the one who's doing all the parenting. I told him he needed to pick his battle more wisely if we were all going to get through weeks (now months!) of being stuck in the house 24/7.

@Macncheeseballs

Why is everyone so obsessed with the holy grail of 'the united front'? If I dont agree with my dh's parenting (which has been fairly often over the years, as he had a very different upbringing to me), I am going to say something.

I think it’s because kids are experts at finding where the cracks are and pushing hard

I could be wildly off the mark and obviously not the point of your thread. Could your son have some sensory processing differences? The not sitting, touching food and wearing clothes backwards were all behaviours that my daughter exhibited when she was that age. Obviously could just be very typical 4yo behaviours anyway.

according to some, you're meant to support every parenting decision your dh makes

Nobody said that, but I do think there's a certain irony to complaining about being the main carer whilst not expecting both parents to have an input on rules. Sometimes one parent will have to work more but you're either jointly responsible for their upbringing or you're not. If you don't believe some degree of consistency is necessary that's up to you, but it's pretty much unanimously lauded as important for kids.

I think you’re OH expectations are fine. However it sounds like he doesn’t address things in the right way and just escalates a situation that starts out minor. Not sure what the right answer is OP as my OH is similar.

@user I wouldn't be surprised, DS is...quirky. The clothes backwards thing though is just an example of how he messes round getting dressed, it's not really something he does all that often if that makes sense. He messes around a lot!

He doesn't like his clothes being wet, but tbh he can usually be distracted and doesn't freak out or anything, so I put it down to normal behaviour. I have a few friends whose 4 year olds also do this.

@user I wouldn't be surprised, DS is...quirky. The clothes backwards thing though is just an example of how he messes round getting dressed, it's not really something he does all that often if that makes sense. He messes around a lot!

He doesn't like his clothes being wet, but tbh he can usually be distracted and doesn't freak out or anything, so I put it down to normal behaviour. I have a few friends whose 4 year olds also do this.

@Insideout99 yes I agree tbh, that's kind of my point about the How To Talk...book. It's a different, non confrontational way of addressing issues which he agrees works with DS!

@Insideout99 yes I agree tbh, that's kind of my point about the How To Talk...book. It's a different, non confrontational way of addressing issues which he agrees works with DS!