To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

[WearyandBleary]

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

Looks awfully like conversion therapy to me.

If course it does. I daresay most people try and fit situations into their own narrative to suit their own agenda. Why would you be any different?

Absolutely nothing about being transgender is "convenient" fyi.

Absolutely nothing convenient about the mental distress that accompanies being transgender or the treatment process for the person going through it. Or the transgendered people I've personally met had gender dysphoria and would rather not have had it.

However in a world where FII (formerly known as Munchausens by proxy) exists and all manner of other horrors perpetuated on children, I think we can acknowledge that some parents, who are not going through the treatment process, will not have their child's best interests at heart. They may think they do though.

In the case of “trans children” > Convenient for others around the individual, and for certain people in society, I meant, of course.

And for some others it will be convenient to be able to try and pass as heterosexual. There is still a lot of homophobia about, unfortunately.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

As the News Night report showed, plenty of parents think, "Better a trans child than a gay one."

There are also plenty of parents who don't think that.

It doesn't really matter how I define homosexuality in the case of transgender people, the fact is that some trans people are gay, whichever way you view it.

Do you not agree that the definition of gay is 'same sex attracted'?

Do you have some other definition?

As you well know, I didnt want to be shouted down about whether I consider a transgender male and a biological female to be a gay relationship.

Wherever your thoughts are on transgender people there will be homosexual and heterosexual relationships.

I didnt want to be shouted down about whether I consider a transgender male and a biological female to be a gay relationship

This sounds like you don't define homosexuality as same sex attracted.

This sounds like you don't define homosexuality as same sex attracted.

It sounds to me like we have differing views on how we refer to transgender peoples relationships.

Regardless of what you, or I, regard a transgender persons relationship to be, there is no denying that some transgender people are gay.

Way to keep turning it around to your own agenda though.

It's not my agenda.

I can confirm that I believe homosexuality is same sex attraction.

Even most TRA's are now saying that gender and sex mean different things.

I'm asking if you agree that homosexuality is same sex attraction and it's clear that you don't. You believe that homosexuality is same gender attracted.

If I'm wrong, please fee free to correct me.

If a trans man is in a relationship with a biologicl man, and they refer to it as a gay relationship, then I support that.

Yes of course.

But do you believe that a penis and a vagina having sex is gay sex? Not as a personal reflection on anyone in particular, just as a concept.

I know transmen who are attracted to men so call themselves gay and of course it doesn't affect anyone except themselves so it's no-one's business.

What I am talking about is the definition of homosexual. Is that changing along with the definition of woman?

Do people really believe that a penis and a vagina is homosexual sex?

I don't.

@Fairenuff If a man puts his penis into an arsehole is that homosexual or heterosexual?

Depends if it's a female arsehole or male arsehole. Or he could be bi?

Loving this little chat by the way. It's fascinating isn't it, when you dig a bit deeper.

(Pun not intended)

I believe in respect, and therefore if someone tells me they are gay, and in a gay relationship, then that's what it is.

As much as there is still a lot of homophobia in the world, there is also a lot of transphobia too. I have a transgender child, and I have a gay child, and I certainly know which one has suffered more bullying, and general awfulness, both online and in the world in general.

I believe in respect too. That’s normal.

But respect doesn’t mean ignore reality or make up a version to make yourself feel better. If that’s what we mean by respect then I’ll have to be disrespectful.

As I said earlier, I’m a lifelong heretic. I don’t pick fights with Christians but I won’t say things I consider to be untrue.

It's all very well to respect someone saying "I'm a trans woman in a lesbian relationship with a biological woman" but if they then say "oh, now I'm looking for a new relationship, you have to respect my gender and be open to a new relationship with me, you lesbian women, or you are transphobic", I don't think that self-definition deserves respect.

If you feel that your point is so valid that you would correct a couple who say that they are gay, or not refer to their relationship as such, if ever a need arose to do so, then your version of respect and mine differ greatly.

We all believe in respect, I think that's a given.

I don't believe that the meaning of homosexual is really up for re-definition. There are a lot of gay and lesbian people who would find that homophobic.

I didn't say I'd tell a couple their definition was wrong. Read my post again.

@Fairenuff

I expect she didn't tell you because she was in a same sex relationship and wasn't ready to come out to you just yet. Now that she has, you can support her in whatever way she needs.

She isn't in a same sex relationship though. She isn't a lesbian. She is with someone who is transgender.

There are a lot of gay and lesbian people who would find that homophobic. and there are a lot who wouldn't say that transgender people calling themselves gay is homophobic and would welcome trans people into their community.

drspouse my reply wasn't to your comment, that was a cross post. Anyone who tries to force, bully, or otherwise coerce anyone into a relationship for any reason is disgusting.

His dad phoned me once to say thanks for accepting him - which obviously I thought was a really weird conversation but now it makes sense

She isn't in a same sex relationship though. She isn't a lesbian. She is with someone who is transgender.

Same sex, not gender.

There is a difference.

If you are now defining homosexual as same gender attraction, you’re basically saying homosexuality isn’t a thing. That it doesn’t exist. Now that really is erasure. Is that what you want? Genuine question. I don’t care myself, but it is important from a health perspective.