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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

360 replies

WearyandBleary · 06/07/2020 09:07

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

OP posts:
RufustheRowlingReindeer · 06/07/2020 22:08

You made an assumption that they were male. They weren't

I really don’t think it was an assumption...why was it an assumption?

Skysblue · 06/07/2020 23:11

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Bouledeneige · 06/07/2020 23:27

I am very close with my DD and I'd be surprised and a bit sad too if she didn't tell me. We've talked about a lot of things - relationships, contraception, sex, UTIs, what boys she fancies etc. It would be very strange to find out the conversation wasn't relevant and based on false assumptions. She is 19 but I'm not sure that age makes much difference to that.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/07/2020 23:31

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Goodgollymiss · 06/07/2020 23:33

I think you may have raised a very non judgemental daughter who doesn't see the issues you seeFlowers

Binterested · 06/07/2020 23:45

This person is female. This is a fact. I thought we were supposed to be celebrating the fact that people are trans, not pretending they are not and dissembling about this core fact. ‘Confidential medical information’? No. It’s their sex. I find it tragic that we all have to pretend now that this person is male, always has been male, has not embarked on a lifetime of drugs (and possibly major surgery) to maintain this fiction and we all nod and smile.

It’s not about their genitals. It’s every cell in their body. You can disguise the truth but you can’t fundamentally change who you are. I find it vitally important that my children understand this. Not just on this issue but in general - they need to understand the difference between what they want to be true and what’s reality.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/07/2020 00:02

but you can’t fundamentally change who you are.

For 2 years op knew this guy, for 2 years he was, I presume, a good partner, and got along with op and her dh and loved her dd.

Which part of him being trans changed any of this? What actual difference does him being trans make to the op?

And yes, medical appointments, treatment, surgeries, hormones and therapy are all confidential medical information.

LonginesPrime · 07/07/2020 00:50

"You made an assumption that they were male. They weren't"

I really don’t think it was an assumption...why was it an assumption?

Well it wasn't a fact!

OP assumed that a person who was presenting as male was biologically male, when it turns out they weren't.

Teapot13 · 07/07/2020 01:25

I totally get the need to respect privacy. But we are talking about a minor child, 14 at the start of the relationship. Parents need to know about their young childrens' relationships. The other person's need for privacy doesn't trump that.

NeutrinoWrangler · 07/07/2020 01:58

YANBU. I'd be shocked and disappointed, too, that she hadn't seen fit to let you know, and I'd wonder what else she hadn't told me, tbh. She didn't have to go into privacy-invading detail. Just a simple acknowledgement of the situation doesn't seem too much to ask.

And of course OP "assumed" someone presented to her as her daughter's boyfriend was a biological male. She had no reason to do otherwise, and clearly the "boyfriend" intended to appear male. It's a bit silly to blame her for thinking someone who (presumably) looked male, sounded male, went by a male name, etc. was actually male!

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/07/2020 03:07

Parents need to know about their young childrens' relationships.

OP did know about her dds relationship, she met the guy, knew dd was dating him and, from what op said, seemed to like him. Why does she need to know absolutely everything about him?

Howlat · 07/07/2020 07:02

The issue wasn't irrelevant to the relationship and DD didn't keep confidentiality, because OP knows. She only kept it while they were together. That's not keeping confidentiality.

I'd want to be absolutely certain that DD decided herself not to tell her mother this major info (my boyfriend is a girl taking masses of hormones to present as male) over two years and not that she felt obliged to hide it. If the relationship started age 16, that would be a bit different but that's when it ended. At 14, it's really something else. It meant that for two years, DD was in a situation where things may have happened that she couldn't come to her mum for support for, because it would mean divulging The Secret. Now ex is an ex, DD has felt able to tell her mother.

Anyway, why is it a secret? What's wrong about being trans that there has to be such secrecy? It actually makes it more of an issue in situations like this than it would if it were just mentioned in passing with a laugh. It's a Big Secret which makes it an even Bigger Deal. If someone was happy in their own skin, it wouldn't be such an issue.

RiverCrossing · 07/07/2020 07:27

OP I think you sound like a decent mum, and for what it’s worth, you appear to have made the lad feel comfortable in your home and accepted by you whilst he was in a relationship with your daughter - that probably means a lot to him.

I hope you can laugh about it with her eventually and watch her roll her eyes at you - talking about sex with parents is generally awkward, I bet she just wanted to get the pregnancy chat over with and then didn’t know how to reverse and tell you what was actually going on.

Siablue · 07/07/2020 07:50

I don’t think you have done anything wrong and I don’t think your daughter has done anything wrong either.

LonginesPrime · 07/07/2020 08:41

And of course OP "assumed" someone presented to her as her daughter's boyfriend was a biological male. She had no reason to do otherwise, and clearly the "boyfriend" intended to appear male.

Well, exactly - it's the obvious conclusion to make, which is why I agree with OP's DD that it's no big deal and can't understand why OP feels like an idiot and a chump. As you say, most people would come to the same conclusion.

It's a bit silly to blame her for thinking someone who (presumably) looked male, sounded male, went by a male name, etc. was actually male!

I'm not blaming her - I just think it's an easy mistake to make and the OP is overreacting in feeling like a fool. Clearly the boyfriend wanted people to assume they were male by presenting as male.

Also, I understand why the OP might be hurt that her relationship with her DD was not as close as she thought it was, but I don't get her being cross. It's not her DD's sole responsibility to nurture an honest and close relationship with her mother, so IMO blaming the DD for the fact she didn't say anything and not looking at the context of their two-way relationship seems counterproductive if the aim is to restore that closeness.

Fairenuff · 07/07/2020 08:51

I think, along with the sex talk, it's also important to speak about relationship issues and that, whilst confidentiality is important, it's not always right to keep other people's secrets if they make you feel uncomfortable or force you lie when you won't want to.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 07/07/2020 09:00

I think you’ve handled this well! Just be supportive of your DD now and keep communication solid.

Packingsoapandwater · 07/07/2020 09:08

I find it very interesting that so many posters have told the op that a potentially sexual relationship of her pre-16 year old daughter is "none of her business".

Would the same statement stand had the teenage daughter's boyfriend been biologically male and the daughter fallen pregnant at 15? Would the situation still have been none of op's business? Hmm

RufustheRowlingReindeer · 07/07/2020 09:28

OP assumed that a person who was presenting as male was biologically male, when it turns out they weren't

Also the person introduced to her as a boy and referred to as a boy for two years

Its not an assumption if someone says they are a boy and are treated like a boy and your own daughter doesnt correct you when you refer to them being a boy

RufustheRowlingReindeer · 07/07/2020 09:32

Sorry longines

I posted before i saw the other posts

I’m very much ‘MUST ANSWER IMMEDIATELY WITHOUT CHECKING UPDATES’

Which is a fault 😀

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/07/2020 09:58

Would the same statement stand had the teenage daughter's boyfriend been biologically male and the daughter fallen pregnant at 15?

Underage sex and potential pregnancy is a completely different scenario.

Op was quite happy with her dd having a boyfriend.

Keep "what if-ing" about totally irrelevant situations though Confused

Mamamamycorona · 07/07/2020 10:02

I absolutely understand your point, but from your daughter's POV, you've inadvertently treated her boyfriend exactly how he wishes to be treated. You assumed him as Male and treated him thus, that probably meant a lot to your daughter 💜

drspouse · 07/07/2020 10:04

Anyway, why is it a secret? What's wrong about being trans that there has to be such secrecy? It actually makes it more of an issue in situations like this than it would if it were just mentioned in passing with a laugh. It's a Big Secret which makes it an even Bigger Deal. If someone was happy in their own skin, it wouldn't be such an issue.

^This

If a child (a 14 year old child) is concealing their biological sex they are hugely at risk from predators. Do what I say or I will tell everyone you are trans. It's our little secret.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/07/2020 10:18

People dont just accept transgender people though. They face so much bigotry. I wouldn't be telling anyone if I was trans either unless I absolutely had to.

thecatsthecats · 07/07/2020 10:29

Whenever the issue of trust and secrets comes up on Mumsnet, there's always a significant tranche of people to whom a secret is just that - a secret that they must only tell those they're allowed to tell.

(disclaimer: not my personal opinion - I tell my husband plenty of things if I judge there's no harm i him knowing)

Openness and honesty are important, but then so is privacy. She was respecting her boyfriend's privacy, not choosing to conceal something from you.

On the matter of underage sex - well, whether she did or didn't have sex with a boy, there are consensual and positive sexual relationships below the age of 16 and disturbing and negative ones above the age of 16. The law is clear, people aren't.

I get why it's upsetting and an area of potential concern. It's a tricky balance, but the situation isn't inherently dangerous because the perfect communication didn't happen.