To be cross that DD didn’t tell me her boyfriend was trans?

[WearyandBleary]

DD who is 16 has just had a horrible breakup with her boyfriend of 2 years. In the course of this crying etc she told me he was trans I e born a girl.

Now I don’t mind whatever but I’m so embarrassed that I had loads of heart to hearts with her about sex and contraception and she never said a thing!!! I feel like an idiot. She can’t understand why it matters. (?!?)

AIBU to be cross? I thought we had a good relationship and she was always honest with me. I feel like a chump!

‘Do what i say or I will tell everyone you are trans’. ?. The kid is 14. Very good chance that everyone locally & at their school anyway will know they are trans. Do you really think this would escape people’s notice in a community?

Going back to page 1 (I’ve just read this thread), and this statement made me uneasy, as it reads as homophobic / transphobic to me:

...it is really only recently that people are openly dating people of the same sex (but in a heterosexual way)

I’m not LGBT so looking for comment / more understanding.

Are LGB relationships still so hidden?

Isn’t dating T to appear heterosexual, homophobic? And also potentially transphobic?

I realise we still have work to do regarding homophobia but I thought with Pride, et al sexual orientation wasn’t such a huge stigma still?

I'm assuming she didn't tell you because she didn't see a difference whereas from what youre saying, you would have made a difference, you would have altered your way of treating her boyfriend. Ask yourself, would you have been any different I.e had 'the talk', let him stay etc.

The kid is 14. Very good chance that everyone locally & at their school anyway will know they are trans. Do you really think this would escape people’s notice in a community?

For a child that has not yet reached puberty, when they meet a new person (AS THIS THREAD HAS SHOWN), they don't seem to be likely to work it out.

Why are people so invested in keeping someone's biological sex a secret here?

Aha. So in your community if a child changes sex it’s not generally known? Bollocks. If they move, perhaps but would suggest that the OPs situation isn’t the usual. Most people know, it is pretty widely known and discussed from my experience (with most people having an opinion, pretty much as they do on here!).

I can understand that you feel a bit silly talking to her about contraception but its conversations that were needed anyway and if you had one rule for a genetic male then you should have the same for a genetic female in an intimate relationship.
Plus, his genitals are none of your business and it's not her place to tell you about them. She hardly concealed that he's a drug dealer.
Think you need to get over it ASAP.

There are many people posting on this thread whose responses make me confident to say if I were your daughter dating a transgender individual, I probably wouldn’t say anything about it. All of you talking about the importance of open and honest communication need to consider the reaction that your children are going to get when they communicate significant things with you. If I knew my parent had some of the attitudes some people on mumsnet do then no way would I be telling her anything.

OP, I stand by what I said. She didn’t tell you because for them, there’s essentially nothing to tell - no drama, not a big deal for a young man who sounds like he’s established himself as just that. Talking about sex in any way with parents is awkward and I suspect that’s what she was trying to avoid. I hope she’s coping with the heartache now it’s over.

Aha. So in your community if a child changes sex it’s not generally known?
Can someone change sex?

When you've worked out what you ACTUALLY want to ask I'll come back and answer your question.

@Binterested

This person is female. This is a fact. I thought we were supposed to be celebrating the fact that people are trans, not pretending they are not and dissembling about this core fact. ‘Confidential medical information’? No. It’s their sex. I find it tragic that we all have to pretend now that this person is male, always has been male, has not embarked on a lifetime of drugs (and possibly major surgery) to maintain this fiction and we all nod and smile.

It’s not about their genitals. It’s every cell in their body. You can disguise the truth but you can’t fundamentally change who you are. I find it vitally important that my children understand this. Not just on this issue but in general - they need to understand the difference between what they want to be true and what’s reality.

I’ve seen the belief in gender over sex described as a new religion, that appeals to people who would previously have believed in a god, etc. This thread shows how many people are absolutely willing to elevate belief over reality.

This thread simply highlights who believes confidential medical information isn't gossip fodder and who doesn't.

It's a shame @Babdoc's post, way upthread, was deleted as, like it or not, it stimulated an interesting debate I would have liked to have read properly. The thread is like a swiss cheese now and impossible to follow. I presume @MNHQ bowed to pressure from people who can't cope with any departure from the orthodoxy. Can we really not be more grown up than this?

Yep. It’s a new religion.

Sorry that was in agreement with fascinated.

Lifelong heretic here.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

People dont just accept transgender people though. They face so much bigotry. I wouldn't be telling anyone if I was trans either unless I absolutely had to.

Yup. If nobody knows you're trans you get nobody hating you because you're trans.

Nudgeunit, I was also surprised that my post was deleted. I’m a doctor, and my post was concerned for the wellbeing of both the daughter and her trans friend, and simply encouraging the OP to have a supportive mother/daughter discussion.
I even said that the trans friend needed sympathy rather than anger. However, apparently, even such professional concern is hysterically labelled transphobic. Discussion is impossible if we are forced to accept a one sided, unscientific ideology.
But apparently TRAs are allowed free speech (including rape and death threats on social media) while dissenting doctors are not. Sad times.

And if your trans, you get nobody hating you for being homosexual......am I right?

That is certainly the case in repressive regimes like Iran, fascinated - people are pressured into transitioning to avoid the risk of execution for the “crime” of simply being gay.
And in the UK, doctors have resigned from the Tavistock over fears that young teens, potentially confused or struggling with their sexual orientation, are being pushed onto a trans pathway instead of being given the time to come to terns with the fact that they are actually gay or lesbian. It’s heartbreaking to see the testimony of detransitioners who have suffered mutilating surgery and permanent health damage before realising they were just gay.
I can only hope that some high profile lawsuits, with massive compensation payouts, may rein in this whole circus and allow proper assessment, rather than letting confused children make life changing decisions, condemning themselves to potential sterility and long term health damage.

And if your trans, you get nobody hating you for being homosexual......am I right?

You're wrong, some people are transgender and homosexual.

"You're wrong, some people are transgender and homosexual."
Some people are transgender because they're homosexual.

As the News Night report showed, plenty of parents think, "Better a trans child than a gay one."

And how do you define homosexual anyway!
Biological female dating biological female?

Or biological male who identifies as female dating biological female.

In the OP's daughter's case, it was a same sex relationship, but both parties pretended it was a heterosexual one.

Sorry for the multiposts! I repost because I'm getting a message saying it failed to post!

As the News Night report showed, plenty of parents think, "Better a trans child than a gay one."

There are also plenty of parents who don't think that.

It doesn't really matter how I define homosexuality in the case of transgender people, the fact is that some trans people are gay, whichever way you view it.

Seems a convenient way to cloak it as “normal” if you are frightened of homophobia. Looks awfully like conversion therapy to me.