to ask if this would bother you?

[avoidsallconfrontation]

my DP and I are friends with another couple lets call them Sally and Tom. We really like them, they seem lovely, but we are much much closer with Tom having both having worked with him separately. Sally is lovely but very very quiet, I try and involve her more but I think she's happy being a listener.

Anyway, this couple have done a few things which are very small and I am nit picking, but they have bothered me. I am not going to do anything about it because its none of my business but I am interested to know if it would bother you.

1. Around ours for dinner and Sally whispers in Tom's ear and Tom doesn't react (this whispering happens numerous times and makes me so uneasy)
2. Booking a delivery slot at the height of the pandemic for their groceries when vulnerable people are struggling to get one. They live so close to a waitress and a Tesco and are not vulnerable.
3. Not environmentally conscious at all. Not Recycling anything even thought they have every opportunity to and chucking excessive amounts of plastic and cardboard in the main trash. Around theirs for a party for Sally's birthday and at the end they just chuck all the left over food in the bin, plates of cake, sausage rolls, fruit, etc. No concern for food waste.
4. No doing anything for my DP's birthday (beginning of March before lockdown) of my birthday (last week) despite me arranging cakes, cards, parties, and surprises for theirs (I know I can't expect but it is disappointing). We are also their only friends as they keep telling us and we all really enjoy hanging out every week without fail until the lockdown. They have been furloughed both of them so would have had lots of time to write me a card and have a cake delivered. (They are also very very wealthy with no children incase this is relevant)

Would these things bother you?

YANBU: Yes they would
YABU: get a grip OP

It just sounds like you don't like them as much as you say. You don't have to think everything about your friends is perfect. They can be Sally and Tom who are a bit selfish but still good company and we see them sometimes?

The whispering is rude. That would definitely bother me. The rest wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

It does seem a bit one sided.
Maybe that's why you are their only (remaining) friends?

They don't sound like your type of people so it will only be a matter of time before you add something else to the list and then something else etc., so that at some point, you will have found more to dislike about them than like. I would start to distance yourself from them.

I think you sound rather intense. If my friend arranged a cake/present/party/surprise for my birthday then I think I'd be grateful but also find it quite unnerving. That's usually something reserved for husbands/wives to do if you're married.
She probably whispered something dirty.

Whispering at the dinner table when you're a guest is beyond the pale. It's pretty ride if you:re hosting, but you might just be saying hold back on seconds or it won't go round!

They sound like takers, and you're givers. Find some new friends to add to the mix and ease them out.

They need better friends.
People who don't slag them off online.

You have no clue whether they have any invisible illnesses or disabilities. Some people like to keep details of their health private.

Why didn't you ask to take the leftover food home? Why sit there saying nothing then run to moan about them on the internet.

Maybe they don't like you or your husband as much as you think. Perhaps they've cottoned on to your dislike of them. They might well have had their own preferred plans for their birthdays and only gone along with yours out of politeness. Maybe you're suffocating them.

Make your own plans for yours and your partner's birthdays. They're not obligated to do it for you.

You sound like you generally think you are superior to them in the way you conduct your life compared with the choices they make. You probably don't hide your sense of superiority that well and that is probably what she is whispering about. You don't sound like a nice friend. You sound judgemental and a bit sanctimonious.

@DrPatient yep I'm very intense I always put in 100% of effort I think it is so nice when someone makes an effort on your birthday.

I think you're right @secondaccount I do like them a lot but they are somewhat selfish friends who are great company.

All apart from number 4 & 2

1. it’s rude to whisper
2. they are allowed to be anxious about Covid 19 and not want to shop 3) I think everyone should recycle
3. I think expecting things is rude.

Why have you taken it upon yourself to arrange cake & parties for them? If you are their only friends did they enjoy it? Surely that’s the sort of things couples do for each other. I think a card is nice but equally I would never expect one.

Points 2 & 3 have zero to do with you. You sound as though you don't really like them. You're looking for any excuse to drop them.

The whispering would bother me.
I find it odd that you are keeping note of the rest of it.

You clearly don’t “really like them” or you wouldn’t have posted this thread inviting people to join you in slagging them off.

One and three would, but two and four - they had every right to order a food delivery, slots were not only for shielding people, and some people don't make a fuss about birthdays so maybe stop making such a fuss of theirs?

The whispering is rude and weird yes. Delivery slot - yabvu. Environmental things - eh, I'd notice and think it's not ideal but wouldn't really judge beyond this as none of us are perfect.

Birthday thing - actually I think it's strange you expected them to do anything. Normally you organise your own birthday don't you? How would they know what you wanted to do, know all your other friends to invite to a party, etc. Stop organising "suprises" for their birthdays, maybe they didn't want that.

You don't have to think everything about your friends is perfect.

This.

#1 yes - rude and disconcerting
#2 can’t get excited about that, sorry.
#3 if you’re that good friends can’t you try and educate them/mention it? But ultimately up to them
#4 not everyone places the same importance on birthdays or is as good as getting organised and being thoughtful as you. Just take the hint and don’t do it for them next time.

The whispering is rude

Maybe they didn’t enjoy you organising so much for their birthdays, and are letting you know by not organising things in return. Not everyone likes a big fuss, especially if it’s hoisted upon them

I’d be posting about you OP, saying, “she’s really nice and it comes from a good place - but all this OTT birthday celebration stuff really gets in my nerves - so far I’m not reciprocating because I really don’t want to be part of it - but that’s making me feel rude. Should I suck it up and do something I really don’t want to, or is there a polite way to tell her it’s too much? Tbh I hoped not reciprocating would do the trick!”

I couldn’t care less about their use of delivery slots.
Not recycling would show me we had different values - but I’d never end a friendship over that one.
The whispering - I’d want to pull her up every time with an, “everything OK Sally?”, but I’d speak to Tom 1:1 first in case she’s anxious and it’s some kind of comfort thing in relation to that.

No I do actually really like them. The environment is a passion of mine, I work for a charity working on environmental projects, so I can feel very frustrated at the food waste and lack of recycling, I think it's very selfish. To me the lack of birthday recognition just translated to me that they don't really care, my aunt died during lockdown two weeks before my birthday and I was devastated, I told them and I received a short but nice message a few days later, but there was not the level of support I would have given my friends. Yesterday they messaged really excited for the beer gardens opening and wanting to hang out with us, so I know they must like us too.

I told them and I received a short but nice message a few days later, but there was not the level of support I would have given my friends.

What did you actually want from them? What’s wrong with a nice message?

It sounds like you have vastly different expectations about the kind of friendship you want have. You sound a bit much to be totally honest.

You sound far too intense and like you expect far too much from your friends. They are not mind readers, how would they know what you expect them to do for a celebration? You cannot be upset with people not doing something that they have no clue you want them to so

I would probably say don’t judge others by your standards. What they do with their rubbish, or how they shop is really none of your business.
You sound a little high maintenance but the whispering is rude.

I don’t most people would follow up about the death of aunt, to be honest - especially if she was older, retirement + sort of age? I get the feel from your posts here that you’re 40s/50s? My FIL died recently and I had supportive messages back from all friends I mentioned it to - but none have followed up since then. However, if I were to say, “feeling down about FIL” I know they’d all listen. So I don’t feel let down, the support is there if I ask. I think that’s more usual.

Whisperers at the table shall breakfast in the stable.

Decide whether the enjoyment you get hanging out with them outweighs the things you listed above.

If so, get over those annoying habits and have fun

If not, don’t see them!

Could you mention to recycling? I would happily say to my good mate oi you should recycle that!