to ask if this would bother you?

[avoidsallconfrontation]

my DP and I are friends with another couple lets call them Sally and Tom. We really like them, they seem lovely, but we are much much closer with Tom having both having worked with him separately. Sally is lovely but very very quiet, I try and involve her more but I think she's happy being a listener.

Anyway, this couple have done a few things which are very small and I am nit picking, but they have bothered me. I am not going to do anything about it because its none of my business but I am interested to know if it would bother you.

1. Around ours for dinner and Sally whispers in Tom's ear and Tom doesn't react (this whispering happens numerous times and makes me so uneasy)
2. Booking a delivery slot at the height of the pandemic for their groceries when vulnerable people are struggling to get one. They live so close to a waitress and a Tesco and are not vulnerable.
3. Not environmentally conscious at all. Not Recycling anything even thought they have every opportunity to and chucking excessive amounts of plastic and cardboard in the main trash. Around theirs for a party for Sally's birthday and at the end they just chuck all the left over food in the bin, plates of cake, sausage rolls, fruit, etc. No concern for food waste.
4. No doing anything for my DP's birthday (beginning of March before lockdown) of my birthday (last week) despite me arranging cakes, cards, parties, and surprises for theirs (I know I can't expect but it is disappointing). We are also their only friends as they keep telling us and we all really enjoy hanging out every week without fail until the lockdown. They have been furloughed both of them so would have had lots of time to write me a card and have a cake delivered. (They are also very very wealthy with no children incase this is relevant)

Would these things bother you?

YANBU: Yes they would
YABU: get a grip OP

The whispering is the only thing that would bother me.

I'm confused with you being their only friends - though you also arranging birthday (and "big" birthday celebrations) for them and them being too busy to celebrate your dh's birthday.

You need to decide if the food waste and lack of recycling are deal breakers for you. They wouldn't be for me.

Like with the delivery slot thing is you projecting your values onto them and being disappointed they fall short.

Either talk to them about it, encourage them to recycle, tell them why it's important to you, or let it drop.

Your intensity would bother me more.

The whispering is very rude. Everything else is none of your business. You sound very judgemental. You expecting a cake delivered off them is odd. It's not really their place to send you a cake, it's your partner's.

Maybe not sending cards or cakes is their way of doing their bit for the environment.
OP do you go over the top for all your friends birthdays? If so, why?

The recycling and food waste is a huge issue for me, I just couldn't not say anything. In fact when we've been at friends and they've been chucking cans and bottles in their normal bins, a few of us have said something. Not recycling is just lazy and selfish in this day and age.

The whispering would piss me off, the birthdays not at all.

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

This is like Hyacinth Bucket. But more judgmental.

The whispering is very rude

@Crystal87 I would assume it's some MH problem, she might even be getting severe anxiety and saying she needs to go home.

The market for recycling has collapsed BTW OP so it's a bit of a scam. Most of it ends up incinerated.

@avoidsallconfrontation you may well have enjoyed organising Sally’s party, that’s not the point. Surely you think that Tom is fucking pathetic to not be able to do it himself?

It's interesting. It's like you are looking for reasons to put your anger onto Sally.
Tom is 50% responsible for all their rubbish being thrown into the bin, but you are not saying anything about him. Isn't that interesting?
Your DH could be booking restaurants and getting secret cakes and Spa days.
I suspect Sally is a probably a nice person who cares about you.
It wouldn't occur to her to send a cake to you. She has never sent a cake around to anyone. She's not singling you out for specially bad treatment.

Haven't read the whole thread, but the whispering is a little rude. The rest I don't see as a huge issue.

I don't think it bothers me at all. But if it does to you, you don't need to be their friends.
2 and 3, none of your business. 1, some people are like that. 4, again some people are like that, you can't expect someone to do what you would do.

Doesn't sound like you've got loads in common?
Do you and your partner have other friends?
The lack of thought with birthdays is disappointing but most people don't seem to be bothered now.
I'd hope that everyone now would be recycling, it's not like people don't know about it.
The supermarket thing isnt your business, they may be anxious etc.

SoulofanAggron, yes that's possible rhough in all likelihood it's just rudeness. Most people know how to behave politely in public, anxiety or not.

Some very basic recycling is so easy and quick to do.

@randomer and then I take it to the recycling tip throw it in the right sections and they just chuck it all at the back mixed up again.... what is the point then?

As you work with Tom, and you say you work for a charity dealing with the environment, you have the perfect line and can say in mock outrage "ooh not recycling Tom? What would the boss say!" If he laughs it off you can make a serious point.

Are you really sure you don't dislike Sally? Don't see her as bit of a deadweight in your friendship with Tom? You dislike her whispering, her quietness, you mentioned she is the one who really likes drinking. Your birthday efforts are not reciprocated and you're the kind of person who is upset by that. You've come online to complain about (mostly) her. What do you actually like about her?

Re the whispering - and as you said she is very quiet -
It's possible she has something like social anxiety or autism and it may be difficult for her to communicate in a typical manner

However, it's also entirely possible, and perhaps more likely, that she is just being rude - paired with the other things that are a bit rude, like not making any effort for your birthday when you made much effort for hers

Who knows really

It sounds to me that while you like them you have different enough values for it to cause problems.

Was the whispering Sally saying to Tom

"Tom, get on with it, you know we agreed you were going to say something about the over the top birthday stuff before it gets ridiculous"

Why didn't you say something at the time ? If they are such good friends I would have said "ooooh, secrets! come on tell all"

As someone up thread said, if you and Tom work together in a company that deals with recycling then you should be able to talk about it, or is the first rule of recycling that you don't talk about recycling.

All in all you and your friends don't communicate very well.

Or whispering ‘we agreed staying 3 hours tops, can we escape now please?’.

I’m sorry but it doesn’t sound like you actually like them very much! Your list is pretty judgy. I’m sure when we all look at our closest friends, there are things that consistently annoy us (and vice versa!) ..wouldn’t come on Mumsnet to invite others to slag them off though! Stop buying them the presents and gifts if you are going to judge them on non reciprocation - isn’t the joy of giving just that, not the expectation of return?

Personally I think adults need to get over expecting people to make a fuss over their birthdays. You get a couple of cards and presents if you’re lucky and that’s it. I’ve only ever had one birthday cake in my life and that was for my 40th. Who can eat a whole cake anyway?!

The not recycling would get on my nerves a huge amount. I could ignore the rest pretty easily.

Whispering v rude and bizarre behaviour From an adult I don't allow my 8 year old to whisper when others see present
Would bug the hell me

Food delivery bit selfish but not big deal
Good waste snd recycling non issue but I would itch a bit if I had to watch that
Can you fix them up with other people have another couple join for dinner or help her join a hobby to make friends ?
You are not that close if you can't say
"holy fuck recycle love !"or "bag that food up I'll take it "

I'm a bit confused - you are passionate about the environment but want cards (wasteful??) and surprises? (I guess you mean physical stuff here?). The whispering is a bit much but the rest of the stuff I think is largely you being intolerant of others who see the world a bit differently than you.