to ask if this would bother you?

[avoidsallconfrontation]

my DP and I are friends with another couple lets call them Sally and Tom. We really like them, they seem lovely, but we are much much closer with Tom having both having worked with him separately. Sally is lovely but very very quiet, I try and involve her more but I think she's happy being a listener.

Anyway, this couple have done a few things which are very small and I am nit picking, but they have bothered me. I am not going to do anything about it because its none of my business but I am interested to know if it would bother you.

1. Around ours for dinner and Sally whispers in Tom's ear and Tom doesn't react (this whispering happens numerous times and makes me so uneasy)
2. Booking a delivery slot at the height of the pandemic for their groceries when vulnerable people are struggling to get one. They live so close to a waitress and a Tesco and are not vulnerable.
3. Not environmentally conscious at all. Not Recycling anything even thought they have every opportunity to and chucking excessive amounts of plastic and cardboard in the main trash. Around theirs for a party for Sally's birthday and at the end they just chuck all the left over food in the bin, plates of cake, sausage rolls, fruit, etc. No concern for food waste.
4. No doing anything for my DP's birthday (beginning of March before lockdown) of my birthday (last week) despite me arranging cakes, cards, parties, and surprises for theirs (I know I can't expect but it is disappointing). We are also their only friends as they keep telling us and we all really enjoy hanging out every week without fail until the lockdown. They have been furloughed both of them so would have had lots of time to write me a card and have a cake delivered. (They are also very very wealthy with no children incase this is relevant)

Would these things bother you?

YANBU: Yes they would
YABU: get a grip OP

Is Sally as happy to be in your company as Tom ? Or is she just going a long with it? You sound very different ( which is not always a bad thing) and you seem to have very definite expectations .Perhaps you could accept that they are not going to act in the same way as you ... and try to be more relaxed about it .

birthdays are strange things... dont do birthdays... its so boring... there are only 'special birthdays.... not just every birthday.... its depressing to be obligated to do peoples birthdays.. life is too short

I would mention the recycling, tbh, but I'm also fairly environmentally aware. The whispering in the ear is plain rude. I don't think they would be my friends for long.

The first 3 would annoy me personally as I don't like selfishness and am also a keen recycler but I couldn't get worked up about the birthday thing. I don't care about my own birthday and generally think it's a bit silly for adults to make a big fuss about theirs.

Re #1, if someone whispered like that more than once during a meal I'd pull them up on it. Why don't you say something?

It sounds like you both really like Tom but don’t like Sally?

I wouldn’t like the whispering but the rest are none of your business.

If they don’t have any other friends then who went to the birthday party?

The whispering is horrible! Is there anyone who doesn't know how rude this is?

1. Is rude and a bit weird.
2. Doesn't bother me. In fact I get quite annoyed at this as we were repeatedly told to avoid going to shops and supermarkets, so they are perfectly entitled to get delivery slots. They may also be vulnerable without you realising. In fact, many of us are vulnerable without us realising, as we are learning every day. I do hope you're not the kind of people who kept popping to the shops 2 or 3 times a week, as they probably find that annoying about you!
3. Ugh yeah I hate it, but this is a lot of people.
4. Hmm some people are just a bit useless.

With all of these, have you said anything to them? With the whispering can you say "is everything alright?"

@Saucepanlid great advice yes. I think I just need to accept them for who they are. I will always be bothered by people disrespecting the environment and whispering but we can be friends. I will have to accept they don't make a thing of birthdays and only want support to be a certain level. Also, I think so yes. Sally is from France and has invited us out a couple of times to visit. We didn't end up being able to go. We have known them for a few years now and Sally has always been very happy. She has enjoyed our fishing trips which are mainly for Tom and DP. I will ask her about her job as a teacher and she is always happy to share. My DP has had more conversations with her as they have a shared interest in history and will visit exhibitions together and museums. Sally really enjoys a drink so has been the one to initiate drinking out at bars, so I can only assume she enjoys our company.

Number 3 would bother me an awful lot. Actually to a point where I would have to say something about it.
Number 2 is selfish and Number 1 is just plain rude.

I would be distancing myself slowly from people like this.

whispering- very rude, shopping- not your business, recycling- not great but i wouldn't get worked up about it, nothing you can do without preaching, birthdays- to be honest, your level of engagement here sounds OTT by my standards but if someone makes an effort for me, I will try and reciprocate it in some way, even if a smaller way. I would not expect my friends to be arranging parties for me.

The only thing that would really annoy me here is the whispering but if she's very quiet and shy I could live with it.

1. The whispering is very rude and this would annoy me.
2. That's none of your business. Maybe they always get food delivered. If they are able to get a slot and want one then it is their choice.
3. Also none of your business. Yes, people should recycle and they shouldn't waste food but we all commit sins against the environment and therefore shouldn't judge others.
4. I think you go over the top on their birthdays. I think that should stop. They obviously don't make a fuss of birthdays the way you do. You paid for a spa day for Sally and she got you nothing - that's very thoughtless of her at best and cheeky fuckery at worst.

Continue the friendship by all means but stop the over the top presents and stop being judgemental about the other things.

We all have qualities that others find annoying. Some people don't recycle. Some people say brought when they mean bought. When you're friends, you overlook those little things. If you can't overlook their faults, I'd back off the friendship.

@Ilovesausages visiting friends. It was misleading for me to say they don't have other friends, they do, just in different countries and mainly from childhood. No I really like Sally she's very pleasant to be around. Just very quiet.

It all sounds a bit odd and full on.

1. I would find this rude. I would wonder if she was saying something derogatory about me. Unless she was a bit hammered, then it might be something filthy.
2. I couldn't give a toss. I shopped throughout lockdown weekly online as I do now. I just had to add several other people's shopping. It did not mean you gave up your slot and it automatically went to someone vulnerable.
3. Don't care what people recycle really. I nag dh but aside from that, it wouldn't be on my radar at all. If you both work for a company with these beliefs, maybe yours is totally in line with that. For him, it could well be just a job.
4. I love a birthday etc but you're spending more than some partners spend! Expecting a delivered cake is too much.

Maybe you seem them as best friends but they see you as friends but are not bothered about it. I am unsure what support you were expecting beyond some kind words? DH and I are both introverts and would find all this exhausting and would back right off. Expect less, or level your expectation to what gets mirrored. YABU.

Meh, you're a bit holier than thou for my liking.

Send Sally and Tom over here!

I honestly don't think I have ever in 17 years on Mnet read a more identifying thread.

You sound very intense OP, I'd hate the whispering and waste element but all that stuff you did for the birthday....just too much.

It seems OTT me doing a party and buying a lovely gift in hindsight only because they didn't reciprocate even 50%. To me it felt so lovely and fun to be making my friends day special. When they didn't do anything for my birthday it made me feel a little embarrassed for everything I did for theirs.

The whispering would bother me, but I don't think the rest matters at all. Everyone is different and does things in different ways. They probably should have got you a card though if you make a bit effort for them.

Sally is from France

The French don’t go in for birthdays as much as the British. I remember living there and ten card selection being really crap. That’s probably why she did nothing for your birthday, not instinctive to her. And most men are crap at that stuff.

As for your aunt- sorry for your loss- generally, when someone is bereaved, those outside the family would tend to think that the day to day support through the grief was coming from the bereaved person’s partner, and only step in if the bereaved person raised the subject. People find it hard to know what to say. They are not mind readers.

It's hard to say. I can't imagine being friends with anyone who I wouldn't feel comfortable enough with to say "Tom wtf, why can't you recycle that stuff??". I'm very close with all my friends. f I couldn't say things like that to somebody, then I wouldn't really class them as a friend.

Maybe the lady has social anxiety?

1. Whispering in company is rude.

1. Had they not booked the slot someone else would have - it was unlikely to go to a vulnerable person. They're allowed to not want to stand in a huge queue "at the height of the pandemic" only to find the shelves empty when they eventually got in.

1. The wastefulness and lack of recycling would bug me. Enough to ask why they didn't recycle when I witnessed it.

1. I don't really 'do' birthdays for adults. But from your later posts, Tom and Sally do do birthdays, but only their own; so yes I find that self-centred behaviour and it would bug me.

Some people are very good company, but still not 'friend material'. You can pass pleasant time with them, but they're not really interested in you. Fair weather friends, rather than best friends.

I would be ignoring their birthdays next year. And if they asked why, I'd be telling them it's because they ignored mine so I felt that was their way of telling me I was OTT with their birthdays last year. Treat others as you would be treated and all that, so having ignored mine, wasn't that what they wanted for theirs?

OP - what has happened for previous birthdays?

If you have known them for years, then previous events would have set a precedent? Have they never bothered? Do you go to that much trouble every year and its never reciprocated?
Can't really get worked up over any of this - the whispering, yep, a bit odd, but if Sally is very very quiet, maybe she feels uncomfortable speaking out in your company?

I think you seem to have more of a emotional bond with them whereas they see you as social friends.
1 is totally rude, 2 & 3 aren't your concern, 4 you don't give to receive.

The first and last points would annoy me a bit. The middle ones make you sound a bit judgemental.