to ask if this would bother you?

[avoidsallconfrontation]

my DP and I are friends with another couple lets call them Sally and Tom. We really like them, they seem lovely, but we are much much closer with Tom having both having worked with him separately. Sally is lovely but very very quiet, I try and involve her more but I think she's happy being a listener.

Anyway, this couple have done a few things which are very small and I am nit picking, but they have bothered me. I am not going to do anything about it because its none of my business but I am interested to know if it would bother you.

1. Around ours for dinner and Sally whispers in Tom's ear and Tom doesn't react (this whispering happens numerous times and makes me so uneasy)
2. Booking a delivery slot at the height of the pandemic for their groceries when vulnerable people are struggling to get one. They live so close to a waitress and a Tesco and are not vulnerable.
3. Not environmentally conscious at all. Not Recycling anything even thought they have every opportunity to and chucking excessive amounts of plastic and cardboard in the main trash. Around theirs for a party for Sally's birthday and at the end they just chuck all the left over food in the bin, plates of cake, sausage rolls, fruit, etc. No concern for food waste.
4. No doing anything for my DP's birthday (beginning of March before lockdown) of my birthday (last week) despite me arranging cakes, cards, parties, and surprises for theirs (I know I can't expect but it is disappointing). We are also their only friends as they keep telling us and we all really enjoy hanging out every week without fail until the lockdown. They have been furloughed both of them so would have had lots of time to write me a card and have a cake delivered. (They are also very very wealthy with no children incase this is relevant)

Would these things bother you?

YANBU: Yes they would
YABU: get a grip OP

For Sally's birthday I was invited to her party by Tom who asked me to help organize it. He didn't know what to do and was very grateful for me helping out. I arranged everything and he seemed thankful. I brought her a spa day out by herself as a (quite expensive) gift. I know she does these already by herself so its something she really enjoys and she was over the moon.

Tom loves attention and a big deal being made out of his birthday. He's quite a character and wanted to do even more for his birthday and really enjoyed all the efforts we made. My DP brought him a football t shirt with his name on for the team he supports and also brought a voucher for him and Sally to have a birthday meal.

Our birthday's - radio silence. For my DP we invited out for a meal and they were busy that evening, but no suggestion of celebrating another time.

I still work with Tom and we are now back from furlough and we get along so well and theres such a positive energy.

I don't get the impression that they want me to tone down their birthday's at all, but I won't be making the same effort next year for sure.

I just get the impression now that they are not givers and looking back over our friendship they have never really been givers. I will still hang out for them but will just probably lower expectations and give less. I would just feel very embarrassed if next year I didn't give them anything and that was the year they did for me!

The whispering would annoy me, but everything else, absolutely not.
Recycling? Birthdays? Please learn to understand that not everyone in the world will think the way you do, which you clearly feel is the superior way

Recycling wouldn't bother me. Its overall actions that count. I dont recycle but have never had a car, dont fly and am childfree.

@Ellisandra no we are much younger. They knew said aunt and have met her on two occasions when she was visiting. My aunt was one of my best friends, we spoke every week and one of my favourite people in the world. I did expect a bit more than a message yes.

Tom I have seen day in day out at work for two years. We are so close we talk about everything and have great fun. He gets on so well with my DP too.

Tom has referred to us as his best friends and has on numerous occasions told us how glad he is that he met us. We feel the same. It is the lack of birthday recognition and text in relation to my aunt that has made me feel the relationship is not what we thought

@OverTheRainbow88 thanks great advice. I can get over this for sure. I will probably just make less effort for their birthdays.

Why would you feel embarrassed if next birthday you didn’t do anything for them, and they did for you? They clearly don’t feel embarrassed.

If it is their birthday next - by doing nothing you’re following their last action ignoring yours.

If it’s yours next - they’ll do nothing, and you’re set to do nothing too.

You are making a total drama out of nothing there.

As for Tom not knowing how to organise his own wife‘a birthday...? You fell for that? Please.

1. Would bother me, it’s rude.
2. Would be none of my business, so would not bother me.
3. Would bother me but it’s not my place to correct anyone.
4. Would bother me if they were my best friends. But not only like ‘I’ve done it for them so they should do it for me’. It’s just occurred to me that I’ve done a lot of ‘special’ things for people during lockdown to show I care - only about 10% has been reciprocated. It didn’t even occur to me until I wrote this point. That’s not why we do nice things for people.

I think you’re involving yourself too much, it’s not really your concern if they recycle, do online shopping etc they may have personal reasons for the way they act you can’t be expected to know everything about their life. Im sure there are things you do that others disapprove of. For all you know she may have social anxiety/mh issues etc. Maybe just distance yourself from them instead of commenting on their lifestyle, you sound like hard work tbh so I wouldn’t make an effort if I were them either. You’re adults, a birthday isn’t as big a deal anymore let it go and look past their ‘faults’ or end the friendship.

The whispering is the only thing I'd take issue with.

Re their birthdays it sounds like you and your husband spent FAR over the norm for a friends birthday unless you're very wealthy.

So your expectations might be much higher than the usual friend. We have a close knit group of friends and generally we'd just buy each other a card and a pint if we were out.

What would you have liked them to do when your aunt died? If a friend lost a parent we would send flowers and a card, but it wouldn't cross my mind for an aunt.

You sound nice OP, maybe too nice? I hope they are not taking your gifts you for a mug.

I would find you exhausting. You are coming across rather needy.

@Ellisandra I enjoyed organizing Sally's birthday it was a pleasure.

It is also really hard to articulate on things on MN. Regarding the birthday, it wouldn't have bothered me if I had received a lovely card, or they sent a gift, or they said we will celebrate after lockdown. It's the sense that I do consider them my best friends and it would be nice to feel like they care about me and the times to demonstrate this are birthdays and if a family member dies. It's hard to me to still convince myself they care when I am doubting that they do.

@Karenista I am the same and I don't expect the same back at all, but it would be nice to feel my best friends care.

@avoidsallconfrontation

my DP and I are friends with another couple lets call them Sally and Tom. We really like them, they seem lovely, but we are much much closer with Tom having both having worked with him separately. Sally is lovely but very very quiet, I try and involve her more but I think she's happy being a listener.

Anyway, this couple have done a few things which are very small and I am nit picking, but they have bothered me. I am not going to do anything about it because its none of my business but I am interested to know if it would bother you.

1. Around ours for dinner and Sally whispers in Tom's ear and Tom doesn't react (this whispering happens numerous times and makes me so uneasy)
2. Booking a delivery slot at the height of the pandemic for their groceries when vulnerable people are struggling to get one. They live so close to a waitress and a Tesco and are not vulnerable.
3. Not environmentally conscious at all. Not Recycling anything even thought they have every opportunity to and chucking excessive amounts of plastic and cardboard in the main trash. Around theirs for a party for Sally's birthday and at the end they just chuck all the left over food in the bin, plates of cake, sausage rolls, fruit, etc. No concern for food waste.
4. No doing anything for my DP's birthday (beginning of March before lockdown) of my birthday (last week) despite me arranging cakes, cards, parties, and surprises for theirs (I know I can't expect but it is disappointing). We are also their only friends as they keep telling us and we all really enjoy hanging out every week without fail until the lockdown. They have been furloughed both of them so would have had lots of time to write me a card and have a cake delivered. (They are also very very wealthy with no children incase this is relevant)

Would these things bother you?

YANBU: Yes they would
YABU: get a grip OP

1. There presumably is a reason for this, if you get on so well with Tom why don't you ask him privately?

1. They managed to get a delivery slot even though it is hard to, there is probably a reason they are able to which you are not privy to.

1. What would you like them to do with it? Not every council recycles food waste.

1. Why should they have a cake delivered for you? This is not anything I've ever done for an adult friend and nor would I expect it, it's very demanding of you.

It sounds like you don't like them very much and also that you are jealous.

God I'd hate my friends to judge me like this. 2&3 are nothing to concern yourself about. 1 is rude but you said she's shy so it maybe that. The last one is ridiculous as the world went nuts in March. You don't give to receive fgs.

I can't believe you have included them not recycling enough on this list.

Tom I have seen day in day out at work for two years. We are so close we talk about everything and have great fun. He gets on so well with my DP too.

What does Sally think about this? I would be wondering if you were having an affair having read this drip feed additional information.

The whispering is rude , I would've pulled them up on that .
The rest is not a big deal but yanbu to be miffed about your birthday.
They do sound a little selfish and no wonder you are their only friends .
Some people aren't as invested in friendships as others .

the whispering is beyond rude.

also, I detest food waste and the 'I don't give a fuck about people who are much vulnerable/need support/etc' even though it may not affect me personally. to be friends with someone, I don't have to agree on every little thing but when some fundamentals are so different, I could not/would not maintain a friendship.

Maybe just say to Sally and Tom after their party "hey guys we all need to be doing our bit for the planet right now " and buy them a recycling bin for a present if they dont have one! As far as whispering in a meal that is rude and maybe you could reciprocate by doing the same to DH!

Do u think they go on mumsnet as they can soon tell it is them if they do....

The whispering is annoying - the rest, you just have to ignore.

We have some great friends, but the man drives me nuts if I focus on it. So I don't.

The whispering is rude or childish.

It sounds like you have different standards/priorities. Don't bother with them if they annoy you?

@TheNewSchmoo this is the difficulty with making these sorts of posts on MN, it is so easy to make all sorts of assumptions about me based from the post I have written. These things bother me a little, but i'm not losing sleep at night. I know I put in 100% it would just be nice to receive at least 50% back from the people i'm closest too. I feel it would be a shame if I only started giving 10% myself.

I also have lots of other friends so I am not needy of this friendship but I do really enjoy it.

I give a lot to my friends. A lot, and I enjoy every second of it. I have helped friend move houses, lots and lots of childcare, watering plants while friends are on holiday. Most of my friends are so generous back to me and its wonderful. But there can also get a point with certain relationships where I don't want to be giving to people so much a friendship feels very unequal. Ideally they would give back 100% too and I think I would accept 50% but 10% is tough to work with. This couple of all my friends I am closest to and have the most common with and we can have so much fun.

Do you really want to be 'best friends' with people who get excited about beer gardens opening? Seriously?

My aunt was one of my best friends, we spoke every week and one of my favourite people in the world. I did expect a bit more than a message yes.

Like what? I genuinely have no idea what more you wanted here.