to ask if this would bother you?

[avoidsallconfrontation]

my DP and I are friends with another couple lets call them Sally and Tom. We really like them, they seem lovely, but we are much much closer with Tom having both having worked with him separately. Sally is lovely but very very quiet, I try and involve her more but I think she's happy being a listener.

Anyway, this couple have done a few things which are very small and I am nit picking, but they have bothered me. I am not going to do anything about it because its none of my business but I am interested to know if it would bother you.

1. Around ours for dinner and Sally whispers in Tom's ear and Tom doesn't react (this whispering happens numerous times and makes me so uneasy)
2. Booking a delivery slot at the height of the pandemic for their groceries when vulnerable people are struggling to get one. They live so close to a waitress and a Tesco and are not vulnerable.
3. Not environmentally conscious at all. Not Recycling anything even thought they have every opportunity to and chucking excessive amounts of plastic and cardboard in the main trash. Around theirs for a party for Sally's birthday and at the end they just chuck all the left over food in the bin, plates of cake, sausage rolls, fruit, etc. No concern for food waste.
4. No doing anything for my DP's birthday (beginning of March before lockdown) of my birthday (last week) despite me arranging cakes, cards, parties, and surprises for theirs (I know I can't expect but it is disappointing). We are also their only friends as they keep telling us and we all really enjoy hanging out every week without fail until the lockdown. They have been furloughed both of them so would have had lots of time to write me a card and have a cake delivered. (They are also very very wealthy with no children incase this is relevant)

Would these things bother you?

YANBU: Yes they would
YABU: get a grip OP

The Whispering is definitely rude and would make me feel very uncomfortable.
I would find it weird that they are throwing away good food which can be put away to eat later, they could give it to guests to take with them home if they themselves know they won't eat it. the recycling also I wouldn't make it my business. I don't know if your in the uk, but it would be hard in my area to get away with not recycling, they won't take your rubbish bin if they see things in there that should be in the recycling bin.

I know you must feel like you make their special days extra special for them, and them not doing it back. But it just might be that they have had other things in mind that it didn't even occur to them that they should get a cake or card. I've been there in the past, where someone did something nice for me and it would've made sense for me to do it back for them when the occasion arose. It just didn't occur to me at the time, due to being busy with life in general. It would occur to me afterwards, where I'd think I should've done xyz for them.

And then you have the types of people who feel very entitled that everything should revolve around them and there's no reason for them to do anything for anyone.

I think the birthday things were a bit much for adults. Finding people not able to be intense enough must surely be quite a common experience for you? Having said that, I wouldn't have friends who whispered in front of me. It all seems very young.

Get a grip, seriously. You sound ridiculous, immature and very self-obsessed. Get some fresh air and find a worthwhile charity to volunteer for if you're that bothered.

There are far more important things to worry about at this time. Donate some time to them.

The whispering would bother me and I'd ask if she was okay, every single time she did it. I doubt it would be anything horrible, probably just telling her hubby not to eat /drink too much! Sounds like you dont like them much. The birthday thing, you need to stop making a big deal out of theirs, when they don't do the same back.

Totally with you on the environmental stuff @avoidsallconfrontation. It’s so unfair for others to not give a damn when some of us go out of our way to try and do as much as possible. Huge environmental freak over here and this sort of thing upsets me when it’s SO easy to recycle.

Also the whispering thing is very rude, I would not accept that at all.

1. Around ours for dinner and Sally whispers in Tom's ear and Tom doesn't react (this whispering happens numerous times and makes me so uneasy)

I would be disturbed by this, too, but not sure what you could do about it.

2. Booking a delivery slot at the height of the pandemic for their groceries when vulnerable people are struggling to get one. They live so close to a waitress and a Tesco and are not vulnerable.

Not your business, and how do you know they don't have a medical condition you're not aware of?

3. Not environmentally conscious at all. Not Recycling anything even thought they have every opportunity to and chucking excessive amounts of plastic and cardboard in the main trash. Around theirs for a party for Sally's birthday and at the end they just chuck all the left over food in the bin, plates of cake, sausage rolls, fruit, etc. No concern for food waste.

Have you mentioned this to them, eg a helpful, "Oh, did you know you can recycle X now?"?

4. No doing anything for my DP's birthday (beginning of March before lockdown) of my birthday (last week) despite me arranging cakes, cards, parties, and surprises for theirs (I know I can't expect but it is disappointing). We are also their only friends as they keep telling us and we all really enjoy hanging out every week without fail until the lockdown. They have been furloughed both of them so would have had lots of time to write me a card and have a cake delivered. (They are also very very wealthy with no children incase this is relevant)

They haven't reciprocated, so I would pull back a bit with the unsolicited gifts and parties.

But you don't actually seem all that compatible from what you've said, so what did you enjoy about hanging out?

YABU

Are you serious?!

The whispering is rude but honestly, get a grip

It sounds as though they have different values to yours.
I accept that the whispering was rude or childish.

Maybe you and your partner need to discuss how important their negative points, as perceived by you, are in relation to your future friendship.

Whispering is rude, but you don’t sound as though you like them very much . What’s it got to do with you how they shop or recycle, I wouldn’t have a clue whether my friends recycle properly nor would I care, you sound like a right nosey neighbour. Are you sure your not the legendary hyicinth bucket

In my area you spend time speaking out our waste into different bags then I go to the tip on my road to chuck it away so I don't wait for the weekly collection and I chuck my separated waste into different sections and watch the big diggers chuck it all at the back mixed up....literally what is the point then???? And the weekly collecfion truck go there aswell. So I begin to wonder why have all these bins, take the time to do the right thing only for it to end up all mixss up again

Only the whispering would annoy me as it’s rude. Everything else I couldn’t give a shit about. Recycling etc is none of your business. You sound a bit full on to be honest, it wouldn’t occur to me to send my friends gifts or cards or whatever.. it’s a bit much.

The whispering is very rude.... I’d be tempted to say ‘if it can’t be said aloud, then don’t say it at all’. The rest is their own business.

1. weird rather than rude
2. And 3) their decesion on how they approach these matters. Nothing to do with the friendship
3. why would they send you a cake? I agree, a card would be nice. Their money situation is irrelevant. Maybe you put more emphasis on celebrating birthdays then they do. Maybe they just simply forgot it was your birthday.

They are just different to you. You care about recycling etc some of us have other priorities.

Sally possible has social anxiety/other MH problems so they might find recycling difficult (I have an MH disability and honestly it's hard enough for me to get round to putting the rubbish out at all and can take weeks!)

She also might find going to supermarkets hard.

You don't know people's ins and outs and he might not've told you stuff because she wouldn't want everyone to know etc.

Similarly with organizing cards, presents, whatever, honestly I find it so difficult and easy to not get round to it.

Maybe you need to stick to having privileged friends lucky enough to be able to be picky about these things or organize stuff.

A lot of us are just scraping along.

The whispering and throwing away recycling would bother me...

I would say the whispering is because of her clear social anxiety- she finds it easier to say things to her husband than other people.

My friends who I am very close to and care about very much can do much worse things without me having to resort to slagging then off on the internet.

I would find these things annoying in regards to friends I don't care as deeply for.

So you have been going to this effort for years and they never reciprocate? I think they have been trying to give you the hint for a long time then.

You said Sally was very quiet - if she's French, is it a language difficulty do you think? Is her English fluent?

Why can’t you just make a joke about the whispering next time “you’re not slagging off my cooking are you Sally?” And see what happens? Perhaps she’s just very unconfident.

I’m saddened by how many people think not recycling isn’t a big deal. Do you really think it’s OK to have our country turn into a giant landfill site full of cans and bottles?

We were told by the government to get online shopping and avoid shops so they were doing the right thing.

Everyone struggled to get slots. I have severe anxiety that I hide well, no way would I be explaining why I have my shopping delivered to anyone.

Ah she’s from France..

You said Tom approached you re her birthday? Maybe when you partner didn’t approach them about yours they assumed you didn’t want a fuss

Actually it sounds like you're taking over. I'd be a bit weirded out by my husbands friends wife throwing parties for me

I would say you’re not as close as you think. Given this lost, you’re judgemental - and you don’t hide it as well as you think.