Sister bought house and didn't tell me

[IndieRo]

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

[Thelnebriati]

YABU. You are separate people, and she is entitled to privacy.

There are things I wouldn't discuss with others until they are a done deal, usually because for one reason or another I dont want to have people constantly bringing them up and asking me how things are going.
This isn't making a big deal out of things; just the opposite. And it really isn't uncommon, a lot of people don't want to tell everyone they are pregnant until the 2nd trimester.

[AlwaysAJoker]

We’re house-hunting at the moment, and haven’t told anyone. We will when we have the keys.

We’re not sneaky or secretive, I just a) don’t want to be a house bore, and b) don’t want to have people constantly asking questions or offering unsolicited advice.

[pictish]

I agree that describing her doing something without running it past you as ‘sneaky’ is quite telling.
It’s not sneaky to make your own decisions on things that require no input from anyone else.
I can understand it being unusual for her to leave you out of the loop if your relationship is close and you share a lot...but it’s not ‘sneaky’.
She hasn’t denied you anything you’re entitled to.

Let this one go.

[HeeeeyDuggee]

I would prob keep my next house purchase to myself. It’s such a stressful thing and I don’t like jinxing things.

I’d be a bit upset if say it was my sister and we lived really close at each other’s houses all the time and she moved away but otherwise YABU

[TheStuffedPenguin]

This is just plain weird .

[AnneOfQueenSables]

I've learnt over the years to never discuss big decisions like that with my family. They're too opinionated and critical.
Plus I'm guessing from your use of 'they' that she has a DH or DP. Probably they both agreed not to tell all their family and you couldn't be the exception.
You're making her excitement about her new house about your sadness at being excluded ... that might also hint at the reasons why she didn't tell you.

[ErickBroch]

Does she have anxiety? I have GAD and truly will keep things to myself until they have happened because I am convinced if I say things to anyone else or even say it out loud to myself - it won't happen. Silly I know! Only other option I can think of is that she thought you'd have something negative to say and didn't want to hear it.

[ChicCroissant]

I can see why you be surprised, IME buying a property is usually mentioned at an earlier stage by family - however, the 'sneaky' description is a clue, you can't expect her to run every part of her life past you for approval. Agree with a PP who said you may have tipped over into some kind of mother hen role that is no longer appropriate for her. To me, 'sneaky' implies an underhand action, and buying property is not in that category.

Maybe she did want to show you that she can do it by herself - if this is the case, try and celebrate the achievement.

[Rainbowshine]

Perhaps she thought that you had enough on your plate and didn’t want you worrying about something you have no control over.

Perhaps things progressed faster than she anticipated with the purchase and she was busy trying to deal with that rather than your reaction.

I have an older sister and have had to subtly change when I tell her stuff as she does get over involved and it makes me feel infantilised and angry that she won’t accept my choices or that I am an independent adult.

[RaptorInaPorkPieHat]

It's a little weird.

Mind you, DH rang BIL one time only to get someone else entirely because he'd moved and not told us (his family is well fucking weird though).

[Igotthemheavyboobs]

@Shamoo

YABU I think - maybe she didn’t want to jinx it, I don’t think it reflects on your relationship at all in its own. Are there other issues in your relationship?

This!

I haven't told anyone in real life that we had a MIP and are in process of selling ours. No need to tel everyone then it fall through and get the pity faces.

[BertiesLanding]

@IndieRo

Thanks for all the replies. I'm not jealous, I have my own home years and I also have a house abroad and a very comfortable lifestyle. She got the keys yesterday so yes she has moved in. I'm always very supportive of her, she's 7 years younger than me and when our parents split up I took care of her. I've always been there for her, godmother to her daughter, helped her move from rental properties previously, went in holidays together. I just think it's really sneaky if I'm being honest. I can understand not telling everyone but I'm her sister.

Perhaps this isn't about jealousy or envy, but the fact that she didn't play the role of the dependent younger sister in need of guidance from you. That perhaps she doesn't need you in the same way that she used to. Maybe you need to let her go a little more; allow her her autonomy.

[sammylady37]

TBH the way you have taken it so personally and as a negative thing against you. What have you had to lose by her not telling you til it is fait accomplit? what negative effect has it had on you? None.

I very much hope you didn't let your attitude show when she told you.

"Oh wow, how brilliant, congratulations" followed by an offer of a housewarming gift was the only reasonble response to her

Exactly. When I did tell my sister about my house purchase, instead of saying congratulations, or asking where the house was, what it was like, could I send her pics etc, her immediate response was “I didn’t know you were looking at houses”. It was all about her, and how she didn’t know what was happening. She didn’t particularly care that I’d bought a house, she cared that I’d bought a house without telling her.

[MyShinyWhiteTeeth]

When one of my siblings bought a house my parents were very critical. They were very opinionated about what was suitable (for them not my sibling) and wanted to be over involved. My sibling delayed and missed out.

The next time my parents heard nothing until the house had been bought. They then wouldn't stop expressing their opinions about changes they thought should be made. They are trying to be helpful but it almost became their purchase in their minds.

[KetoWinnie]

Surprised she could keep it to herself, but i like surprising people, you know, not putting them through stresd on your behalf.

[Justmuddlingalong]

I'm sure she's grateful for all you've done for her. Perhaps rather than thinking her sneaky, be proud that she's getting on in life, is able and independent. There's maybe a blurring of lines on your part, between sibling and parent.

[opinionatedfreak]

I didn't tell an old friend I was applying for a job.

Partly because I thought she might apply too (this was mean of me) and partly because I couldn't bear the burden of people knowing I'd applied and then me potentially not getting it.

[imstillfurloughed]

I think upset is a bit extreme,
I'd be a bit if my sister didn't tell me .
Some people like to be all mysterious and then it's a big surprise for attention.
It's a bit weird is she normally a attention seeker ?

[LoafingLiz]

I would have immediately said "That's great news! But you kept that one quiet, why the secrecy?"

Did you ask her?

[monkeyonthetable]

Lots of people are superstitious about things until they are finalised. She's told you now. Just celebrate with her.

[topcat2014]

I am buying a building plot in Wales with planning permission. I am 50 next year so have no plans to tell anyone :) you are allowed, op.

[Someone1987]

I would be very shocked if my sister hid that from me. Things like that we wouldn't think twice about sharing, not sure why your sister would hide that from you.

However, when I was having a miscarriage, I only told her afterwards.

[Willowkins]

I just can't imagine not sharing something major like buying a house with my DSis until AFTER I moved in. It's a big deal.
But maybe she had her reasons and it's time to ask her what's really going on.

[Harriedharriet]

YANBU OP. It is definately ODD that a close family member would think go through all of that significant process without mentioning a word. To have already moved in without saying anything is even more ODD. In your shoes I would definately be hurt.

[Nanny0gg]

Most families who are reasonably close would have shared that information.

Weird.