Sister bought house and didn't tell me

[IndieRo]

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

I think I would be hurt if you talk everyday. Are you sure you don't criticise her (even though it's not intentional but she might see it that way) ? It seems the only explanation to be honest. She didn't want you to dampen her enthusiasm.
Even so it's unkind as you were good to her.

So she's moved from rental to rental and you've got 2 houses and a very comfortable lifestyle? Maybe she feels if you'd helped her out at some point she could have saved thousands in rent? Just a thought.

Are you on of those people who thinks you have to share everything and doesn’t get why people might want privacy? I’m a naturally private person, I simply don’t want people knowing much about me. I don’t have many deep dark secrets, but I just simply don’t believe in sharing things from the banal to the big unless it’s necessary.

Years ago, my DB got into a new relationship. It was after a particularly acrimonious split from his wife and the situation was delicate because of the ages of the DC. (Not an OW scenario btw, his wife was the one who had left him for a different man). Anyway, when he told me about his new relationship I was thrilled for him. I didn’t tell our other siblings because it just wasn’t my news to tell and my attitude was he’d tell them in his own time, when he wanted them to know. When our sister found out, and found out that I’d known before her, she went crazy, demanding that I should have told her and saying she “had a right to know” ... I disabused her of that notion pretty quickly. You don’t have a right to know what someone is doing, irrespective of how close you are, or that you’re family etc

why the need for the secrecy

Plenty of reasons. Maybe the OP tends to be over controlling with her sister and this was one thing she didnt want input on. Maybe the sister has felt overshadowed by the OP her whole life and wanted to forge her own independent decisions. Maybe the sister knew the OP didnt think it was a good idea and just didnt want to have to justify it. Maybe the sister wants to move to an area thats further away from the OP than the OP would like and didnt want the hassle of justifying it.
Maybe she feels superstitious that it would jinx it. Maybe the sister knows the OP has been though a difficult time recently and didnt want her to feel disappointed on her behalf if it fell through or overly invested.

LOADS of perfectly justifiable reasons why someone might not want to share every single thing with a sibling!

I'm with you to a point OP but I would just find it really odd if my sisters didn't tell me they were buying a house. I wouldn't be hurt or annoyed by it though.

We didn't really discuss a move. It's quite stressful when people start butting in, offering 'advice' and worse start asking specific questions about money. It's nobody's business how much our mortgage, income etc all are. That includes siblings. Maybe she doesn't feel the need to include you in everything because she has boundaries

Saying it's sneaky, sounds like you feel you have a right to know what's going on in her life, which might be a clue as to why she didn't tell you.

But there are plenty of quieter reasons which people have said here. A surprise, not wanting to jinx it, not sure it was going through etc.

I suspect dh's brother might have said something similar. He was round at ours telling us how he was buying a house, and being very condescending that he thought we wouldn't be doing that for ages because we weren't as well off as him... wasn't that such a pity?

We didn't say anything. Not only because getting a word in edgeways with him is challenging and he doesn't listen anyway, but also he would have then spent the time telling us that his was better than ours.* But also because we had some money coming to help us pay for the deposit, but the person involved had asked us not to tell anyone until we'd finalised the arrangements.

*and in case you don't believe that, he told my mil when he knew that his house was far bigger than ours when he knew nothing about our house except it was 3 bed, like his. This did lead to a rather funny moment when we went round and he was showing us round, and dh asked if he could see the rest of the house too...

@pigeon999

Do you think she might be making a point of striking out on her own?

If you have always taken care of her, maybe this is her way of saying she no longer needs you, she is independent and mature and can do things her own way.

I think this might be the case. Maybe she just wanted to do something independently, entirely her own way?

@FizzyGreenWater

Well, it just is what it is.

Your best option here is to look at this as a very good bit of information.

Either your sister feels that you would have reacted in a way she wouldn't want (be honest: would you have jumped in with advice/criticism/got overinvolved?) OR she's just shown you that despite speaking every day, she will shut you out when she chooses. If so, note this and make sure you're ok with that before choosing to share very personal things with her maybe?

That would be my take as well

A time to reflect on what you communicate about with her
Perhaps a move to a more superficial relationship?
She might need that, if you have been a mother figure

Be honest, are you the type of person who puts the negative spin on everything? I have a friend who we only tell things to once its final. She is so negative, only ever tells me whats wrong with a decision.

Same happened to me..
I was confused but im over it

I can't see why it is 'sneaky'.

Strange perhaps - but maybe she wanted to announce it as a surprise, maybe she felt unsure that it would happen ...all sorts of reasons.

She might feel vulnerable as you have had two houses for years...so was waiting until she had actually bought. It is hard to understand how people with less feel in the face of people with more, when you are the older one and have more.

Have you asked her why she didn't tell you?

TBH the way you have taken it so personally and as a negative thing against you. What have you had to lose by her not telling you til it is fait accomplit? what negative effect has it had on you? None.

I very much hope you didn't let your attitude show when she told you.

"Oh wow, how brilliant, congratulations" followed by an offer of a housewarming gift was the only reasonble response to her.

Buying a house is stressful enough without the Covid situation thrown in. We are looking to move house: we’ve already decided that if we find something we are going to go for, we are not going to mention it to anybody until it is pretty much done. Sometimes the questions that come from other people can be as stressful as the process itself! My DM in particular has a habit of questioning everything to do with something you’ve told her, over and over again. What about this? What about that? What about, what about, what about ... Obviously I’m not saying you are like this. But your Dsis obviously had her reasons. Why don’t you ask her?

She is so negative, only ever tells me whats wrong with a decision

Yup. I love my family but they were negative about everything. To the point that I stopped telling them my plans until the plans had actually come to fruition and then they couldn't wheel out the old "but what IF this happens, what if THAT happens" etc because by then, it was done and there was no point them catastrophising about the worst case scenario.

• my sister is forever busy and with new born so didnt take it to heart.

I don't think I'd tell mine either to be honest. I'd just wait until I had the house until I told family - don't think I'd even mention anything to my mum. I prefer to keep things quiet and just tell people when it's definite

You say you looked after her and helped her with everything else, maybe she wanted to show how she stand on her own two feet to get this sorted and surprise you when it was all done.

I do get the 'sneaky' comment I think

So you speak every day
What've you got planned? Not much (signing for the house)
How are things? Quiet (up to neck in packing boxes)
How was the day? Slow (moved out of ine house into another)

Be honest, are you the type of person who puts the negative spin on everything

LOL

As in "your sister calls to tell you about her brand new house. Do you
a) Become hurt, go into a huff and think her sneaky as she has not involved you in the process
or
b) shriek delightedly and congratulate her and wish her many happy times in her new home?

I think this very thread has given us the answer

I’ve nced for this.

I have older siblings and one in particular seems to think she has to advise me (take over) in anything in life. It’s got to a point where I tell her very little about my life due to interference, being judgmental and treating me like a child. She acts like I’m a novice in everything I do but in her mind she’s helping me.

There’s a reason why your sister didn’t tell you and I suspect it’s because you would have started “helping” her when she wants to choose her own home/location etc.

Sometimes it’s suffocating.

It is weird that she didn't mention it if you talk every day.

I would let it go though as not worth bringing up, but yes bit weird.

I totally get you OP, a similar thing happened to us. We would chat to BIL and SIL about the house we were buying, they never mentioned once that they were buying somewhere as well.

I felt very foolish when they moved within a few days of us. I couldn't understand the secrecy at all, it changed how I viewed them from then on.

I think buying a newbuild when you don't need to sell can happen breathtakingly quickly...

My parents often tell the story of the day they went out to buy a poaching pan and came home having bought a house.

She doesn’t have to tell you everything ...

Sometimes family involvement, even when you love them very much and they aren't doing anything wrong at all, can just add to stress. It doesn't have to mean anything. Although your description of her doing this as "sneaky" is an interesting one... Things can be interpreted as overbearing even when that's not the intention, maybe what is on your part attempts to be very supportive sometimes feels to her more like you being a bit controlling? Even if that is in no way your intention at all?