Sister bought house and didn't tell me

[IndieRo]

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

odd not to mention it if you're in touch several times a week - but as others have said, with covid she may have been concerned that it wouldnt go through.

WHen my sister moved I got told in infinite detail about every house she viewed, including 'you know, around the corner from...' which given that I live about 40 miles away, and could call up the details online if I was that interested, was a tad boring TBH.

Not surprised she didn't tell you, you sound extremely controlling and overbearing.

Have you asked her why she didn’t tell you?

I just think it's really sneaky if I'm being honest. I can understand not telling everyone but I'm her sister

She wanted to do something herself, didn’t want you offering advice in your usual big sister role. It’s her news to share-or not-nothing sneaky about it.

Lots of people are telling you to remember that it’s not all about you.
I think it IS all about you. You have a clear idea of who you THINK you are and a clear opinion of your own about the nature of your relationship with your sister but you don’t seem to be capable of considering that your sister might take a different view of your character and a different view of the relationship. Just because you are certain you’re not overbearing doesn’t mean she agrees with you.
In fact, your unwillingness to consider the suggestions made to you on this thread is a clear indication that you might be overbearing. There are lots of reasons why your sister might have kept this from you. Lots of them are not necessarily negative reasons but it IS likely to be about you. It’s worth reflecting on that.

In a similar situation and not telling my closest friends/family until we complete. The reason for this is dealing with my disappointment if it falls through.

I think her reasons for keeping it secret are probably nothing to do with you and more to do with how worried she was about the purchase. It’s a big deal but could’ve also gone wrong.

Just be happy for her

If she is moving far away, bit odd. If she has just bought a bigger house locally, no big deal. Personal finances are not something that siblings have a right to know about each other, particularly if they have partners, who may want privacy about such things.

I think if truth be told i would be a little hurt if i was close.
She had her reasons - she wasnt sure it would go through etc. Why don't you just be honest and say to her how you feel and ask her why she didnt say anyhing about it.

Does she have a partner? It’s more odd for her to keep a secret if she is single and has done the whole thing herself. Is it possible she thought you would disapprove?

Cripes! You are clearly overbearing from your responses, calling her ‘sneaky’ etc. I think you’re refusing to acknowledge that trait because you know it’s deeply unpleasant.

You may well have helped support her when your parents split up but that doesn’t give you any rights to have a permanent window into her life.

Allow her some freedoms and stop being so nosey. You’ll push her away if she realises how you really feel.

My family always used to try to talk me out of things. So at one point i did realise, hmm, i dont know if i make the right decisions for me!
So i had to consciously bite my tongue if i was considering a new job, or course, or even hobby.

I wanted to do clay modelling and my mum just poured cold water on it. Left me a dithering decision-averse, people-pleasing, fence-sitter.

I think it must have taken some effort to not give a hint of such big news going on in your sister's life.

Could be she wants to indicate her independence.

Give it to her.

I definitely would be applying a filter to tge conversation too.

Yes, that is it @IndieRo
The post about giving her her independence.

Id assume that she would have found it hard to draw a line between your opinions and her decisions.

bit weird not to mention anything at all until she physically moved in.

At least knowing that she was looking and hoping to buy?

It might be the worry of jinxing it, but you are also not that close. Of course YANBU to be a bit sad about it. Keep supporting her, relationships keep evolving, you haven't lost her.

YANBU this sounds weird when you speak regularly.

I can only think that since your parents have split up and the age gap, maybe you’ve assumed quite a parental role in your Dsis life up until now? I’ve know made a lot of big decisions in my life - leaving home, buying flats, cars etc and deliberately NOT told or involved my parents. The reason for this has been because I know, they’d worry, possibly worry me in turn, question my decision and potentially undermine it. I’ve never really regretted taking that approach when I’ve needed to and it’s not because I don’t love them. Perhaps this is your sisters way of saying “back off” let me make my own way!

The fact that you have made this all about you is probably why she didn't tell you until now. This won't have been the first time, I'm sure, and she's probably sick of it.

You don’t say how old you are but I’m assuming sister is well into adulthood. I think you need to refresh your view of the dynamic. You’re equals now - she’s a grown up. She doesn’t need you to look after her any more, and this may be her way of showing you that
.

If she’d told you she was planning on buying a house would you have wished her luck and left her to get on with it? Or would you have tried to ‘help’ or give advice even if she hadn’t asked?

It’s nice that you’re close but you saying she ‘should have told me’ suggests a strong sense of ownership and entitlement. There’s no obligation on her to tell you anything about what’s going on in her life until she’s ready.

Agree with @Kasparovski . I love my mother, but I don’t tell her when I am making major changes to my life because I don’t want her to undermine or put a dampener on decisions which I have made.
Op, I think your dsis is trying to assert her independence. I don’t necessarily think that she is trying to be sneaky.
Pick up the phone, congratulate her and ask if she needs anything for the new house.

She probably just didn't want to jinx it or get over excited. Sometimes you just need to see things very logically as to not get emotionally attached. Maybe she was very logical about it and didn't want to attach emotions to a house that wasn't hers until it was!

At least she told you eventually. My mums sister moved and did not tell my mum at all so my mum found out when she went round the new owners had been living there a while.

I don't think your sister has been sneaky. Maybe she did not want to tempt fate and get too excited by telling people. She has told you now so what does it matter?

But she has told you. Otherwise you wouldn't know.

Yanbu - that’s very odd imo for sisters who speak daily!

She isn’t bus but unreasonable but I agree that it’s weird as you speak everyday.

Bloody autocorrect.
She isn’t being unreasonable but it is weird.