Sister bought house and didn't tell me

[IndieRo]

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

But she TOLD you! You didn’t find out through a distant friend, she sent you a photo.
You just wanted to know earlier. I can understand feeling surprised if that’s not been the pattern of your relationship, but there are no grounds for feeling hurt, and “sneaky”?! That says a lot about how you see your relationship.

Do you feel she owes you for the years of care you have given her?

Did she think it would be a ta da! Surprise
We could all do with a bit if excitement
Does she like drama and surprises?
Was it totally out if the blue purchase or were you aware she was in the market for a house?
Maybe she's done something a bit financially dubious and didn't want difficult questions
Maybe your financial situation is harder than hers and she Was being sensitive have you been stressed about money ?

Well, it just is what it is.

Your best option here is to look at this as a very good bit of information.

Either your sister feels that you would have reacted in a way she wouldn't want (be honest: would you have jumped in with advice/criticism/got overinvolved?) OR she's just shown you that despite speaking every day, she will shut you out when she chooses. If so, note this and make sure you're ok with that before choosing to share very personal things with her maybe?

just think it's really sneaky if I'm being honest.

This is just so wrong. YABU. She bought a house. She's an adult with a right to a private life and privacy. It isn't sneaky in the least, she made a choice not to tell you. That doesn't make her sneaky.

It seems strange that she didn't say, but why do you think she didn't mention it? There must be a reason other than I didn't know if it would go through. Did other people know?

Maybe she wanted to make you proud. She wanted to show her big sister that she’s a grown up home owner.
Instead of seeing it as a bad thing try to be proud of her! You helped raise this woman.

I learned to drive without telling anyone apart from my husband.
I didn't want to get the third degree, the 'funny' comments about how if I get on the road they're coming off it har har har, or feel pressure or fail the test and get the awe never mind, not everyone is capable... shit.

Maybe she wanted everything to be finished before telling you, for whatever reason.

It sounds like at some point your role has become a mothering one, almost parental, and everything she does she needs to run past you first, because you are older/wiser/richer and you know what is good for her.

I see this as her breaking the pattern of dependency and deciding to run her own life (which should be a welcome thing) but you don't like it, perhaps because you like her being wholly dependent on her.

You need to let her go and live her own life op.

I see where she’s coming from I’m afraid.

It’s so uncertain out there at the moment she probably didn’t want to jinx it.

I’m similar. I don’t like talking about my plans in case it all goes wrong

It's not sneaky (as in you're not entitled to the information, so she's not going behind your back), but I understand why you'd find it weird if you're close and talk regularly.

If my brother did this I'd think nothing of it.We don't live near each other and aren't in each other's pockets, despite messaging briefly once a fortnight.
If one of my daughters did it to the other it would be exceptionally odd, because they live 15 minutes from each other and though not joined at the hip, would definitely share something like this.

** you

@Yankathebear

Maybe she wanted to make you proud. She wanted to show her big sister that she’s a grown up home owner. Instead of seeing it as a bad thing try to be proud of her! You helped raise this woman.

That’s exactly what I was going to post!

@pigeon999 It would be the equivalent of you moving overseas and posting about your relocation on line - of course you didn't HAVE to mention it, but out of respect you probably would
This isn't "equivalent" though. If your sibling moves abroad then you'd want a chance to say good bye and it actually impacts your own life. In this case, it doesn't impact OP whether her sister is living in rented or mortgaged housing. It's actually not got anything to do with OP.

Why did you think she'd need your support to make a house purchase?

It's something millions of people do all the time.

why I was simply illustrating that sisters that are close usually share information about their lives, particularly big things like buying a house.

However, I think there is much more to this, the sister did not tell her for her good reasons, and this may not be a relationship of equals.

I think she either didn’t want to jinx or wanted it to be a surprise... a chance to show you what she has achieved.

Wow- talk about overreaction. She doesnt owe you every detail about her life and with all the current uncertainty, she probably felt there was no point mentioning it if it was likely to fall through.
I think you are being very unreasonable about this and frankly, a bit weird. You are reacting as if she betrayed you in some heinous manner.

Yes - the fact that you are complaining that she didn't tell you and calling her sneaky suggests you would have wanted to take over, criticise her choices and not let her deal with her own life choices.

You’re really unreasonable to call her sneaky for this, that makes you sound a bit nasty tbh.

Is it something about the house - is it bigger than you thought she could afford perhaps. You've helped her out - does she think then that she has to explain her finances etc? Can't think of another reason, I think it's usually down to money.
My husband retired and I took redundancy so we both had our pensions payout. With those we sold our house and got a larger one. Whenever I tried to talk to my sister about the upcoming move, she changed the subject. It really upset me as we are so close. When she finally visited she looked round and then said "well, I really am the poor relation now aren't I?" We are fine now but at the time it was really upsetting.

Really weird not to mention it. Even if you thought it might fall through, why the need for the secrecy?
If you speak all the time and are close then something’s off.
Has she brought alone? Could it be to do with where she got the deposit from or something similar? I wouldn’t be able to help but feel like she’s hiding something. It’s just really strange not to have mentioned it.

Its not sneaky. U should be a bit proud. Sound like she wanted to show you what she could do by herself.

Depends on the reason she didn't tell you. Maybe she was worried it would fall through.