Sister bought house and didn't tell me

[IndieRo]

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

[IndieRo]

Thank you for the lovely messages of support, sorry I'm only replying now but I'm on nights at the minute so only got to bed at 10am this morning.

[PerfidiousAlbion]

For me, it would be the lying by omission that would upset me.

Your sister is intouch with you regularly but has clearly not shared - when asked - what she’s been doing /up to recently, as sisters generally do when they catch up.

She’s deliberately not mentioned getting a mortgage, saving, viewing houses, instructing a solicitor, speaking to removals companies, packing, planning furniture purchases etc., not to mention the newly re-kindled relationship with your mother.

It’s the subterfuge, almost calculated to deliberately hurt and sideline you.

[billy1966]

If it is indeed possible that your mother has meddled, I would refrain from displaying any upset or adverse reaction.

Wish your sister well, be pleased for her and be discreet with your own business as it is quite possible it is being repeated to your mother.

Your upset is understandable but don't act on it.
Wishing you well OP.
It sounds as if your sister was a very lucky girl to have an older sister like you to step in.
Counselling might help you with your emotions now that your mother is on tge scene again.

[saraclara]

I think a lot of people see OPs on MN as a sort of academic exercise in logic, rather than actually recognising how THEY'D feel in a given situation.
Unless they're all really detached from their siblings, I can't imagine that any of the people who've given you a hard time would be unsurprised or unbothered by a sibling not telling them that they were buying a house until they actually had. Especially if they were really close and talked every day.

[Jeremyironsnothing]

I truly don't understand why people have given you such a hard time.

It really does sound as if your mother might have been meddling, presented some untruths and spun your dsis a line that puts her actions in a good light, and painted a picture that doesn't reflect the reality of the past. You are right, money has probably been given too.

A Pp said that you are always desperate for your mother's love and approval. That is very true. Your dsis is probably very conflicted at the moment. You are both victims of your childhood.

Going forward, I think it's ok to tell her that you are hurt but I wouldn't put any more pressure on her. Use it as an opportunity to explore the past, either together or on your own in therapy, depending on her reaction. This might be too big for her to cope with at the moment. Forgive her and keep the lines of communication open. Open her eyes to possible manipulation but don't put pressure on her to agree with you. Keep your relationship separate to her and her mother's.

Tread carefully, but I can't believe many people's shocking responses on here.

[woollyheart]

Could your mother have given her the money but on condition that she didn't tell you?

She might have told her that she couldn't afford to give you both money, or that you don't really need it, but didn't want arguments about it.

[Weebitawks]

Well you said you've had to step back because of her being draining in the past. Maybe she was stressed and needy and chose not to tell you because of how you might react ?

[Nighttimefreedom]

Having read your updates about the nature of your relationship and the history with your mum, I think you're probably right and she's given her some money and is trying to win her over.
I understand why you're hurt about this. It is odd and given you're so close it feels like maybe she was trying to hide it. I think you also said she didn't actually tell you herself which is very strange.
Initially I thought and posted she might have just have wanted to do something independently. But now i think she is being manipulated by your mum.
For her it must be very powerful your mum being back on the scene.
I'm sorry you've had a tough time on here.
I think the only thing you can do is step back and be there for your sister in the loving and supporting way you always have.
Remember people will continue to post on this thread having not read all of your updates.

[notacooldad]

sierra2020

Op ignore everyone else. I completely understand where your coming from
Wow! How rude.
Is your point of view the only one then?
It's a bit bloody cheeky to dismiss everyone's opinions just because you disagree with them.

[zingally]

It is odd she didn't tell you about such a major "life thing"...

But then again, I don't know everything about my sisters life, nor she mine. We communicate via text maybe 2 or 3 times a week. She comes round to my house for dinner maybe once every 6 weeks (pre covid) because she works nearby. I probably haven't been to her house in 5 years (she and her fiancee are hoarders who never clean - she's embarrassed, but not enough to do anything about it).

[saraclara]

I expect your sister has been manipulated by your mum. I can understand you are upset. Try not to be angry with your sister. It's hard to resist attention from a mother who effectively rejected you. People love their mothers even when they dont deserve it. She was younger than you when all that happened and will have experienced it differently from you. If you cut out your sister now that's a victory for your mum.

Yep. Your sister's experience and interpretation of what was happening when you were young, will be very different from yours. It's totally understandable for her to want the relationship with her Mum, and it's totally understandable for you to be frustrated by that and feel unappreciated. But the gap in your ages back then will have affected your different perspective SO much. So please try to empathise with your DS and don't ruin your relationship by pushing her away.

[YouDirtyMare]

I'm sorry that your feelings have been hurt

[Lweji]

I really think mother have her money and she won't tell me.

I think you're getting somewhere now.
Why do you think she won't tell you and why do you think your mum gave her money?
And if she did, why is that a problem for you?
Because you think your mother was involved and you weren't? Because you think that it's going to cause problems for your sister?

Have you considered that the main issue is similar to divorced parents? Many of us face similar issues: we care for our children and Disney dad still manages a relationship when they dare to show up.
But you will need to let go, for your sake and hers.

It seems to me that you could benefit from some counselling. Someone to talk to about your feelings regarding both of them.

[sierra2020]

Op ignore everyone else. I completely understand where your coming from. Of course it's odd that she hid it from you considering you speak daily.
Even more odd that she posted about it before telling you.
My sister did the same to me, we speak daily, would see each other and she never once told me, I found out from my dh. Her dh told mine. I was really upset that she would hide something so big like that from me, when of course I would be happy for her and hope everything goes well.
I think what made me feel worse was the fact dh found it strange that my sister that I speak to everyday didn't tell me herself.
It is what it is, I didn't bother say anything.
Funnily enough when I bought my second house, I conveniently left it out of conversations and didn't speak about it at all with her. She later knew about it after I bought the house and joked with siblings in my presence, that I bought a house in secret. Funny because she did the same thing.

[Galvantula]

DH's brother and family moved house end of last year. We still only know because MIL told us. 🙄

Despite us posting stuff to their house. They're apparently unsurprised that we knew where to send it. 🤔

[JaniceBattersby]

Crikey this thread is bloody nasty. The OP feels she has a very close relationship with her sister where they speak every day and discuss major life events. He sister has made a huge decision over several months and has not told her about it. Their relationship now appears to not be what she thought it was.

OF COURSE the OP is going to feel hurt and confused. That’s a perfectly normal human reaction. I’ve absolutely no idea why so many posters would think that the best thing to do is to stick the boot in and give her a good shoeing. There’s absolutely nothing here to suggest that the OP has ever been deliberately nasty to her sister. Even if she has been a bit overbearing (and I don’t really think she has) then that doesn’t justify people sticking the bloody knife in and calling her all kinds. Jeez.

[MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood]

no sleep for me yet due to my occupation but thank you youll feel better when youve slept on it and realise it is probably is more to do with her Need for a relationship with your mother, rather than anything to do with your relationship with her.

[ActualStork223]

Hey sweetheart your upbringing sounds hard. No ones denying that.. you became mama when you wernt ready.. That's commendable... But every mama know when their chicks are ready to fly . Maybe instead of calling her sneaky ( that's awful btw- she wasn't doing anything bad) just congratulate her ... You've helped her with her wings now it's her time to fly . .. dont think too much. Xx you've said your self your comfortable... ( that was slightly braggy btw) now she wants to impress you ... Ie. She can do it too.... )Without you.

[WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo]

You need to stop being so dramatic, she was probably just scared of jinxing things.

[DuineArBith]

would you feel the same if dc bought a house and didn't tell you, I think not.

But she has told you. It's just a bit later than you think it should have been.

[wafflyversatile]

I expect your sister has been manipulated by your mum. I can understand you are upset. Try not to be angry with your sister. It's hard to resist attention from a mother who effectively rejected you. People love their mothers even when they dont deserve it. She was younger than you when all that happened and will have experienced it differently from you. If you cut out your sister now that's a victory for your mum.

[DuineArBith]

@IndieRo

How can you jinx it, it will either happen or it won't. Telling people has nothing to do with it.

Just because you don't think that way doesn't mean your sister doesn't. It's perfectly common. I've never told anyone when I was going for a job interview - I didn't want anyone to know in case i didn't get it.

Or maybe your sister just decided that she wanted to keep this one for herself, and thought her loving sister was big-hearted enough to rejoice with her, and to realise that it made precisely zero different to her whether she knew in advance or at the time it actually happened.

[GiraffesAreBeautiful]

@WhySoSexist feck off back under your stone

[Member]

You clearly feel that your years of care for your sister have been thrown back in your face; you’ve done “right” by her so have some expectations of what is “right” in return.

I can understand your hurt in the circumstances but think your expectation of her to tell you everything comes across as quite demanding & that there are conditions attached to your love.I’ve no doubt she feels gratitude and love towards you but think it’s unreasonable to expect an adult to be totally beholden to you & tell you every facet of their life.

You’ve described her as draining etc, maybe she realises she’s been too dependant on you /wants to reset the dynamic between you a bit as a move towards independence.

A bit of distance may not be a bad thing if it allows her to develop more autonomy but it sounds like you are considering it to punish her in a tit for tat fashion.

There is a middle way to be found here:
cool down
explain you don’t expect her to tell you everything but that you are hurt she didn’t mention it to you
Stand back a bit but don’t cut her off

[GiraffesAreBeautiful]

Houses are only bricks and mortar. Sisters who speak to each other daily should be able to share the highs with the lows. This is definitely off.