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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sister bought house and didn't tell me

351 replies

IndieRo · 04/07/2020 12:09

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

OP posts:
1300cakes · 04/07/2020 23:24

Sorry OP I'm with your sister and I don't think that you being "like a parent" to her comes in to it. I'm buying a house at the moment and I'm no longer talking to my sibling or parents about it.

Now we have a very good relationship. But I've looked at 20+ houses and they have shit on every single one of them! No matter the place they'll find something wrong with it. Then weeks later say I'm silly for not buying x house... one they had said was awful and I'd be stupid to even consider Confused. Not to mention questioning my finances, and lecturing me on what I can and can't afford.

Now I know they are trying to help so I'm not angry at them, but the fact is they aren't helping so I'm going to keep them out of it or I'll never live anywhere.

vodkaredbullgirl · 04/07/2020 23:25

Where was your dad in all this?

Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:25

@SinisterBumFacedCat, never said I wasn't happy. I congratulated her, told her the house looked magnificent and best of luck. I have a lovely home, house in Spain, very comfortable so I've no need to be unhappy or jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:27

@vodkaredbullgirl, our Dad passed suddenly at 41 when I was 20. Previous to that he had addiction issues.

OP posts:
WhySoSexist · 04/07/2020 23:27

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Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:30

@vodkaredbullgirl, but the thing is I would never slate what she does. I'm not critical. I'm perhaps too kind, always telling her she's great and everything be great.

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:32

@WhySoSexist. What a delight you are. Nothing is made up. You really are a piece of work

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 04/07/2020 23:34

i am far from a bitch. You can be independent and tell people what's going on. I don't know anyone thats gone through what I have. I worked 3 jobs to make sure my sister got through school and college so fuck right of saying I'm a bitch. You have no idea. And by the way by sister is an architect so I'm very fucking proud

Ehh, none of that means you’re not a bitch. I referred to you as a bitch when you told another poster that she obviously had no close relationships and was like your mother. You know, your mother who you hold in such contempt. That was the action of a bitch.

You clearly resent what you had to do to raise your sister. And rightly so. You were denied a childhood. But the focus of your anger should be your parents and other adult family members, of there were any. Not your sister. She didn’t ask to be in this situation any more than you did. You cannot hold everything you did for her and everything you sacrificed over her forever. I did XYZ so you must do ABC. Otherwise I’ll feel hurt BECAUSE I DID XYZ.

She has a right to privacy and to live her life without staring details with you. Irrespective of how good you were to her.

WhySoSexist · 04/07/2020 23:36

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sammylady37 · 04/07/2020 23:37

but the thing is I would never slate what she does. I'm not critical. I'm perhaps too kind, always telling her she's great and everything be great

Ah yes. Of course. You’re too kind. Beyond reproach.

vodkaredbullgirl · 04/07/2020 23:39

But you are slating her on here.

IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:40

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saraclara · 04/07/2020 23:42

Your Mum failed you both

Yes.
You did something very tough and very admirable in raising your sister. But it's damaged you, and the way you're feeling now demonstrates that, really. It's understandable. I've seen siblings fo through this sort of childhood (or lack of it) and the relationship becomes very intense. It has to be. You're reliant on each other.

So now there are two adult women who've triumphed over adversity, but who will always, sadly, be somewhat damaged, even if that dameage is small and hidden. That damage might have something to do with why she kept something to herself that other people would share to herself, and it might explain just how hurt you are.

I don't think many people are empathising with that, and your anger with them isn't helping.
But importantly, please don't punish your sister by stepping back. Stay close, and eventually she'll probably explain why she behaved as she did.

locked2020 · 04/07/2020 23:42

FFS OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but have read a lot of responses and all of yours. I don't get why people are being so vicious. It's awful. I completely get where you're coming from. There's a thread about OTT responses. I'm sure this thread will surface on it. Nasty.

snappedandfarted123 · 04/07/2020 23:42

OP YANBU I have a vaguely similar relationship with my own older sister. We are very close. We would absolutely tell each other if we were buying a new house and the other one would be pleased and excited to hear the news, and would want to send a card/ gift etc. It's only normal. I totally get why you find this weird and feel hurt and left out. If it's true that she's accepted a cash gift from your difficult mum then it makes sense because she likely feels ashamed of that and doesn't want to see the look on your face when she tells you. I'm sorry i can't think what to advise though except to send her a lovely card and gift to let her know you're pleased for her and take a little step back until the mum situation works itself out. Likely she will be wanting to cry on your shoulder when that happens...

saraclara · 04/07/2020 23:43

Ugh. Poor editing. Too many 'to herself's

morriseysquif · 04/07/2020 23:43

This thread is one of the reasonsI love the see all posts option. Lots of posters reading, making assumtions and being horrible. Read the OP's posts.

OP you sound bloody marvellous. I reckon this is your sister needing to strike out on her own. Let her get on with it and leave her to it. She will come back, ask her to explain then.

Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:46

@locked2020, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:47

@morriseysquif, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:48

@snappedandfarted123, I've arranged for a gift to be delivered on Monday. Thanks for your comment.

OP posts:
waytheleaveswork · 04/07/2020 23:51

Even if your sister doesn't acknowledge it enough, you know the truth of what sacrifices you made for her to grow up in a safe home. That is a precious gift to your sister, no matter who recognises it.

I would be really hurt too. It sounds like you have carried a huge amount on your shoulders, and I hope your next stage of life has more time for pursuing your own interests and reclaiming the freedom you didn't have when you were younger.

Best of luck OP, it sounds like you have both been through so much.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 04/07/2020 23:51

Crikey op, i think it is time to get some sleep. Your reactions have got more angry and entitled the alter it has got. I think the lines are very blurred between you, since you think of yourself as her mother. That probably needs exploring more. And saying she didnt tell you so youre backing off sounds like punishing her.

waytheleaveswork · 04/07/2020 23:52

And just to add, I think it is important to hold onto that hurt beneath your anger at your sister, and maybe see if it can help you to process some of those awful things that happened when you were younger so they don't resurface as often?

Original poster
IndieRo · 04/07/2020 23:53

@waytheleaveswork, thank you so much, that is a really lovely message and I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
waytheleaveswork · 04/07/2020 23:54

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood

Crikey op, i think it is time to get some sleep. Your reactions have got more angry and entitled the alter it has got. I think the lines are very blurred between you, since you think of yourself as her mother. That probably needs exploring more. And saying she didnt tell you so youre backing off sounds like punishing her.
I think both anger and hurt are understandable in the situation though. Homes and houses are symbolic, even more so for you and your sister.

Better to get it out on an anonymous forum than at your sister!

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