Sister bought house and didn't tell me

[IndieRo]

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

I cba arguing with you I’m afraid.

Doesn’t surprise me.

Do you sense a shift in your relationship in general?

Sorry that was to OP.

No shift in relationship. Visited her last week, brought down clothes for my niece and nephew. We had lunch together in her rented house. Nothing was said.

Yes my sister is an adult so she needs to act like one and be honest

Well, she hasn’t been dishonest and she hasn’t been childish. She’s just kept some personal information private until such time as she wanted to share it with you and others.

You’re the one not behaving like an adult.

You’re cribbing about finding out about it after she put up a post on Instagram and an aunt told you, and your sister texted you separately cos you’re not on Instagram. You remind me so much of my own sister. She would get insulted at info shared in our family group, believing she had a right to be informed first/separately/by phonecall/in person. If there’s big news in the family that’s not shared on the group but rather told individually to people, she’ll ring round asking “when did you hear?” rather than saying “isn’t it great?”

Get over your sense of entitlement.

It sounds like you were a young child thrust into an awful situation and you did admirably well, but that doesn’t give you the right to be this demanding and intrusive and e titled about your sister’s life forever more.

Then I would ask her why she kept it so quiet (not specifically from you but just in general) so your mind can be put at rest.
It will likely be something to do with not wanting to let on till it was a done deal or something mundane like that. People really do keep things to themselves for all sorts of reasons, mostly personal to the individual.
I’m not sure you should automatically take it as a rejection. It isn’t one really...it’s one of those things that people do sometimes keep schtum about.

How on earth is she "entitled" to be hurt?

Because everyone has emotions and therefore will have an emotional reaction to events in life. Whether other people agree or not.

Here’s another example for you.
I’m seeing a surgeon next week with a view to getting sterilised. I’m 40, single and very deliberately childfree. I know this surgeon is understanding of women in my situation and is likely to agree to it. I haven’t told any of my family about it, and I won’t tell them either. Even though it’s something very significant. I don’t want their judgement, their attempts to convince me that motherhood is the best thing ever, their misguided attempts to change my mind. I’ve heard all the arguments. 1000 times. I don’t want children and I want to be sterilised. This is between me and my surgeon. End of. No doubt my siblings would be very hurt if they ever found out, but really, what’s it to them? It’s none of their business, doesn’t affect them and is entirely my decision. I’m not prepared to enter into discussion about it with them.

Omg, you really don't get it saying I'm entitled. I'm technically her mother.

My husband is getting a vasectomy reversal in September, told sister. I thí k that's more important than a house. I told her because I love her.

Don't understand why you're getting such a hard time tbh. Well, I do - because this is AIBU.

In my life - and that of anyone I know well in real life - it would be weird not to tell someone you're close to and speak to daily, that you are in the process of buying a house. Same with getting married or having a baby or any other major life stage.

The only reason I can think of for her hiding it is if she got money from somewhere that she thought you would find hurtful to buy it, eg your mum?!

Sounds like there's more to your sister's behaviour anyway and actually this wasn't about fearing your reaction or protecting you, yes she might be messed up because of her childhood, but that isn't your responsibility and doesn't mean you deserve to be treated badly.

I don't think it means there's a problem between you. I think she was wanting to keep it as a surprise. Probably worried it would fall through so didn't want to mention it. My SIL did the same thing. Only told us she'd brought a house once she was actually living in it!

I think sterilisation isn't a good comparison personally. It's pretty intimate and not everyone would feel comfortable taking about something related to sex.

I'd talk to anyone about buying a house though.

Even if you weren't necessarily the problem to make her not tell you (i.e. because she didn't tell you because she thought the sale would fall through or didn't want to jinx it etc), the way you've spoken on this thread really shows that you're not a nice person or a good sister. I think you genuinely really need to reflect on how you treat her and your own behaviour if you want to have a good relationship going forward. She's done absolutely nothing wrong.

Our mother has inherited money so I'm thinking she gave sister money.

I didn’t tell anyone my dad had died. It was a fractured relationship, very complicated and although I was really upset, I was grieving more for what could have been than what was. I didn’t want or feel like I deserved sympathy at the time so I just didn’t mention it. Only my dh and children knew.

When I let on months later people close to me pulled concerned faces and asked why I hadn’t said anything.
I just...didn’t.

Omg, you really don't get it saying I'm entitled. I'm technically her mother

And with this post you display perfectly your sense of entitlement.

You’re “technically” her mother so she should tell you what she’s doing? She owes you something? You have a right to know?

She’s an adult. She doesn’t have to share details of her life unless she wants to. You have no right to know these details. You might like to know them, but you have no right to know them.

@WhySoSexist how am I a horrible person, I've raised my sister since she is 5. I didn't have my teenage years. She lived with me for years with no support from her mother, how am I horrible?

You’re talking about her as if she owes you something OP. She really doesn’t.

OP - I see. If that’s so, I suppose that’s between them.
I can see why you might find that disconcerting, if you indeed do find it disconcerting.

@IndieRo

Our mother has inherited money so I'm thinking she gave sister money.

Do you think that's why she didn't mention it?

You sound hurt, more than anything, to me. I'm sorry people are sticking the boot in. Just look after yourself and put yourself first from now on

I’ve read all your posts and explanations OP and no, there is no rule that says you have to tell close people in your life what you’re doing - even big significant things - at all times. Even if you WERE her mother she has no obligation to tell you. If she NEVER told you that would be odd, but she has told you - she obviously just wanted to do the process herself. The PP who said it would be odd if she was single and did it all alone - why? I’m single and buying a flat alone. As it happens I have told my parents and I’m very close with my mum but if I decided to do it “in secret” and only tell her when it had happened I can’t imagine her being anything other that surprised but happy and proud.

Im not suprised your sister kept it from you, they way you are acting in your posts.