Sister bought house and didn't tell me

[IndieRo]

So got a what's app picture from my sister last night with a picture of her new home. We speak most days so I was shocked and hurt that she never mentioned it. She said due to Covid 19 they didn't know what was happening but it's a brand new house so obviously viewed it and got mortgage before Covid-19. I'm just really hurt. Am I being unreasonable to think she should have told me.

I wonder if your sister wants you to take a step back and is trying to force it. My sister is 18 years older than me and I find her 'mothering' intensely annoying at times because it feels as though she doesn't respect me as an adult. Perhaps your sister is (somewhat clumsily) trying to reset your relationship as being that of siblings rather than parent and child.

Nobody can say whether you have a 'right' to be upset, they are your feelings and you are perfectly entitled to feel any way that you want.

For what it's worth, I put my house on the market and haven't told my siblings either - they'll either give unwanted advice, neither has bought a house in 25+ years and so I have no idea why they think they are experts, or tell me why every house I look at it is wrong.

I would think she would have the decency to tell me, it's good manners and common courtesy

Perhaps your sister doing the same thing as your mother - moving without telling you - has triggered something for you OP. Your responses this evening have a very different tone than the ones during the day.

You really are not getting it. I've raised my sister. Financially, emotionally, mentally since she's 5. I've been there for everything, I'm not judgy. How would all the posters saying, get over it, not your business feel if they raised their sibling from the age of 5. I had no teenage years.

I suspect she didn't want to jinx it by announcing it to anyone. Nothing to do with good manners, sneakiness or anything similar.

Oh op, you really are getting judged.

I can understand why you feel disappointed. You have been there for her all the way. But look at it like this, at best your sister wanted to surprise you, or she got money from you mother and couldn't bring herself to tell you, or as lots of young people, she reacts to you as a mother figure and tries to break mother/daughter ties.

She hasn't experienced your mother the way you have and might want to form her own opinion or is quite taken with her because she is being nice/manipulative towards your sister. Or perhaps your sister is a teensy bit immature/narcissistic?

Whatever it is you need to take a step back and process you own feelings. Being your sister's mother with the background you have is not healthy. Try thinking through this relationship, perhaps even talk to a therapist just for you own sake. But no matter what it is understandable you feel frustrated suddenly not being good enough now your mother has emerged.

Step back, process your childhood and relationships, and good luck.

How can you jinx it, it will either happen or it won't. Telling people has nothing to do with it.

Manners and courtesy don’t really come into it when it’s your own personal business to be honest, particularly when it has no tangible impact on anyone else. Like I say, people keep things to themselves for all sorts of reasons.

I’m out on this one now.

@giantangryrooster, thank you

I hope most posters would be surprised/worried about the relationship, if their children moved without telling them anything.

If your mother has inherited money, maybe she offered some to your sister on the condition she didn't tell you she was buying a house. In which case your sis was in a difficult position.

Or she just wanted it to be a surprise.

Some people are obviously more superstitious than you. There are things I haven't told people because I am worried about jinxing it, even though I know really deep down that me having told someone won't affect the outcome. And that includes not telling the person who raised me my whole life.

@StillCoughingandLaughing, thank you

@cyantist, I suppose money talks.

I suppose as you tell her a lot about yourself you expect her to do the same but she might have quite a different view. She could be more reserved person. Or she was too nervous about it so didn’t want to discuss.
Another scenario: She probably got some money from your mother and suspected you would ask questions. And didn’t want to answer them. You’ve got the house already so she probably thought that you might not understand how desperate she’s to buy her own place, no matter who gives her money.

@pictish you obviously have no close relationships with anyone, sound like my mother

You really are not getting it. I've raised my sister. Financially, emotionally, mentally since she's 5. I've been there for everything, I'm not judgy. How would all the posters saying, get over it, not your business feel if they raised their sibling from the age of 5. I had no teenage years

And that’s truly admirable.

But, it doesn’t mean she has to live her life according to your rules.

If you were her birth mother, and she came on here saying you were miffed because she hadn’t told you about the house purchase, she’d be told that you needed to understand she was exerting her independence, she had to do what was right for her, she was now an adult etc.

Please don’t burden her with guilt and a sense of owing you something because you did what you did. Neither of you asked or indeed deserved to be in that situation.

you obviously have no close relationships with anyone, sound like my mother

Aaaaand now you’re really showing your true colours. No need to be such a bitch.

@greenlynxshe is not reserved. I really think mother have her money and she won't tell me. I paid for the roof over her head obviously and paid to put her through college. I worked my ass of but Iove her so much I did it because I wanted to make it easier for her.

All the posters saying it's none of your business, would you feel the same if dc bought a house and didn't tell you, I think not. But this is more that a parent child relationship. This is me caring and looking after my sister when our mother couldn't be bothered.

OP I am sorry you are getting such a hard time. I don't think it is justified.

I completely understand your feeling of hurt and think it is great that you managed to congratulate her anyway.

I think the only thing I would question is that your sister has done something wrong. Yes she has kept something from you. And yes she must have actively covered it up to an extent, but as an adult it really should be ok for her to choose to do that. Do you feel it would be morally wrong for you not to tell her something about your life? Are you obliged to tell her everything regardless of whether you want to talk about it or not? If she had withheld the information to manipulate you in some way and get you to do something based on your misunderstanding of her situation, then of course that would be wrong, but it seems like she has simply not told you because she didn't want to tell you.

The question of why she didn't want to, and why it upsets you is an interesting chance to understand your relationship with her - and maybe see it develop in someway. My instinct is that your painful history and your role in mothering her will be core to this. It sounds like you have both been robbed of truly being sisters to each other because you have been forced into this more parental role (amazing job by the way!). You probably both have anger and hurt about this and it feels to me like this event is a way for your sister to express this. If we imagined this scenario between a true mother and daughter, I think the daughter's actions wouldn't surprise anyone, as it is automatic that you don't tell your parents things and you want to make statements of independence .... it would also be totally understandable that the parent would find it upsetting....

I hope at some point, after the excitement of moving in, you can talk with your sister and explore why she did this - but best to bring curiosity rather than condemnation to that conversation....

OP I am sorry you are getting such a hard time. I don't think it is justified.

I completely understand your feeling of hurt and think it is great that you managed to congratulate her anyway.

I think the only thing I would question is that your sister has done something wrong. Yes she has kept something from you. And yes she must have actively covered it up to an extent, but as an adult it really should be ok for her to choose to do that. Do you feel it would be morally wrong for you not to tell her something about your life? Are you obliged to tell her everything regardless of whether you want to talk about it or not? If she had withheld the information to manipulate you in some way and get you to do something based on your misunderstanding of her situation, then of course that would be wrong, but it seems like she has simply not told you because she didn't want to tell you.

The question of why she didn't want to, and why it upsets you is an interesting chance to understand your relationship with her - and maybe see it develop in someway. My instinct is that your painful history and your role in mothering her will be core to this. It sounds like you have both been robbed of truly being sisters to each other because you have been forced into this more parental role (amazing job by the way!). You probably both have anger and hurt about this and it feels to me like this event is a way for your sister to express this. If we imagined this scenario between a true mother and daughter, I think the daughter's actions wouldn't surprise anyone, as it is automatic that you don't tell your parents things and you want to make statements of independence .... it would also be totally understandable that the parent would find it upsetting....

I hope at some point, after the excitement of moving in, you can talk with your sister and explore why she did this - but best to bring curiosity rather than condemnation to that conversation....

I don’t get why you wouldn’t be happy that she has got some security in her life now, considering your upbringing from your Mum. It’s good news. She’s independent. Try being happy for her.

Please don't get too worked up/defend yourself on this thread, it won't give you peace of mind. As I suggested think through your relationship and childhood, do this for you .

@sammylady37, I am far from a bitch. You can be independent and tell people what's going on. I don't know anyone thats gone through what I have. I worked 3 jobs to make sure my sister got through school and college so fuck right of saying I'm a bitch. You have no idea. And by the way by sister is an architect so I'm very fucking proud.

My brother didn't tell any of us he'd bought a house until he had. Nobody was mad at him or called him sneaky, childish or dishonest.

It's not your sisters fault they your Mum failed you. Due to the big age gap your sisters childhood memories will be different to yours as will her adult feeling towards her Mother.

Are you angry that she hasn't told her Mum to fuck off and seems to be forming a relationship with her?

Could your sister not have told you because she knows you're angry about her seeing your Mum? Her feeling about her Mum being back on the scene will likely be very different to yours.

Your sister might want to learn for herself what her Mum is like? That should be something she should be able to explore without feeling like she's doing something wrong. I've been in a similar position with my brother and a nasty family member coming back on the scene, I didn't want my brother to feel like he couldn't have a relationship with our half sibling because he didn't want to upset me so I told him he's free to do what he wants and he has my blessing. When it turned out badly I didn't say "I told you so" I comforted him and helped him pick the peices back up. I'd be hurt if this person gave him the money to buy a house and my brother didn't tell me but I'd never ever verbalise that to my brother because he needed to see for himself as his memories start way later than mine.

Your Mum failed you both .