Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

[84dan]

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

@Smallsteps88

In OPs shoes Id have called my ex as soon as redundancy was announced and said “I’m going to be looking for new work- I’ll possibly need to change contact arrangements- can you give me an idea of what days works for you so I know what I can look for?”

Is that outrageous?

Whaaat? Now he has to find work in time when thousands are losing their jobs that fits around his ex?

OP whilst I think your ex is being unreasonable is it really fair to ask your girlfriend to commit to long term child arrangements?

I still recommend going to court

The OP sitting on his arse at home not earning on benefits so his ex can have a few days to herself as per the current arrangement.

Sorry if i got the wrong poster (genuingly!) but i think you're the one who said that peoples jobs should work around the kids?

You think the OP is wrong for taking a job hes been offered because it doesnt suit his ex and will change the days he can see his kids right?

I agree with small steps and others. Its up to the op to sort childcare just as thousands of other parents have to.

Mums are not default childcare.

The OP sitting on his arse at home not earning on benefits so his ex can have a few days to herself as per the current arrangement.

I was right the first time. You need to read again.

i think you're the one who said that peoples jobs should work around the kids?

Yes, that was me. People with children don’t generally have the luxury of accepting any work schedule without considering how they will manage the care of their children during those hours.

You think the OP is wrong for taking a job hes been offered because it doesnt suit his ex and will change the days he can see his kids right?

No- I think he’s wrong for assuming It was fine and not discussing it first.

Just like his ex would be wrong for taking an evening job and telling him he was now having the children every evening instead of weekends.

So no parent whatsoever can ever change jobs then? On the off chance it might involve working a different pattern to current childcare arrangements? Rather than two parents working together around that so their kids get time with both parents?

I think you maybe being unreasonable but it depends on how you presented the situation to your ex.

I am the default parent.

When my child is sick then I have to provide all childcare regardless of whose day it is. I have to get time off work for hospital appointments. She stays home with me if she is sick - daddy 'can't' won't be involved.

Every time her father has changed shifts, or jobs then I've been informed which days were suitable for him or of any last minute changes with little advance notice. If I don't comply then I'm being difficult. It never mattered what plans I had. My ex never saw things from my point of view.

I sorted out childcare without relying on him. I arranged my work around my children. If I had to work extra hours then it was my responsibility to sort it out - not my ex partner. We had a set agreement and I preferred it was kept to.

Any poster thinking the ex is totally unreasonable- tomorrow, you're offered your dream job. It'll bring in loads of money for the family. It means you're working away every weekend. You tell your partner (not discuss with, not weigh up with, tell) you've taken the job, and they're on kid duty.

I think your partner would be annoyed, no?

Now imagine it's an ex (so, already a degree of animosity)...

Yeah, I can see why the ex is pissed off and being hyperbolic in her threats.

@Smallsteps88 the OP literally said he spoke to his ex to DISCUSS it ? He hasn’t accepted the job so now he will have to go on benefits until he finds another. That’s what is going to happen now and the ex will lose maintenance bla bla bla ...is that really the right thing to be doing ?

So no parent whatsoever can ever change jobs then?

Yes. That’s exactly what said

Of course, changing jobs, taking jobs that mean you can't look after your own kids, may be worthwhile. But it's about negotiating, and empathising that it's a big ask, and maybe the ex wants to weigh things up, and doesn't want the money any more, and prefers to share the load, but hasn't been given chance to weigh up the pros and cons, it's been given to her as a done deal.

Well the point you’re trying to make definitely assumes you think that?

It hasn’t been given to her as a done deal? Read the OP. He said he discussed it with her and she flat out refused. Now he isn’t going to have a job. He has asked for 50/50 childcare and she refused that to

"arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend)"

This isn't the first time OP has pulled this on his ex.

He said he has had 3 jobs in 8 years? Not unusual.

Haven’t RTFT, just OP - but I think she’s unreasonable. She’ll still get her 2 days break, it just won’t be sat/sun assuming your rest days aren’t her working days etc. She should facilitate contact when it’s reasonable in this situation. You’re doing the best to provide for them and still want to be an active parent which is a positive sometimes rarely seen

OP did not say discussed, as in pros and cons, ways to manage. He said "I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement". He spoke to her about changing it to what he wanted. It doesn't sound like he went in saying "I've had an offer, it means the money is stable, but it affects my days, obviously the kids come first... What do you think?" He spoke to her asking to see l change the arrangement. Which he admits he's done multiple times before.

There's only so much messing around one woman can take. I totally see why she's pissed off.

Well the point you’re trying to make definitely assumes you think that?

Are you asking or telling? You seem to have already decided what I think.

FTR I don’t.

@coasterboaster you’re argument is based on assumptions of what you ‘think’ their conversation went like. It makes absolutely no difference. He asked to speak to her about it as he should but she has said no.
Now answer the question do you think it’s right for him to turn down this employment and claim benefits until he can find another job not knowing how long that may be? Yes or no?

They are no longer a couple. It isn't the mother's role to facilitate her ex's career.

Of course it's reasonable for him to ask her if she would like to have them at the weekends rather than have them be looked after by somewhere else. Not so reasonable to complain if she says no.

Both parties have to accept that there may be consequences to their decisions. The OP might not be able to pay the same rate of maintenance, which may impact on the mother. He might choose to go to court for a 50:50 arrangement.

None of that changes the fact that the mother is not the default childcare when the father's plans change.

She isn’t facilitating his career. She is facilitating continued contact for her children and their father as any parent should do. The OP has had the children whilst being furloughed when the mother has been working. Because that’s the decent thing to do.

Where has he said the only alternative is benefits? I must have missed that.

The alternative is he goes to his ex, and grovels profusely, and learns his lesson to stop treating her like the nanny. That he apologises, negotiates the Saturday/Sunday split, as a compromise, and promises he'll prioritise the children in his next job hunt. He'll ask her what she wants in terms of weighing up shared care Vs maintenance, and compromise, not dumping on her.

I've never recommended benefits. Just not treating his ex as staff.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 grovel hahahahahahaha

On the flip side, imagine you lose your job during the middle of a pandemic and recession, meaning you and your partner can't afford your mortgage. You're lucky enough to be offered another job, so you run it past your partner (whilst admittedly assuming they might take care of the children until you can find a different job because, you know, recession, pandemic, bills to pay etc) - they refuse, so you're now jobless in a volatile market.

And for those suggesting OP sort childcare - that's fair as far as him and ex go, but what about the DC? According to OP their DM is not open to increasing his contact time, so they will then get to see their DF for a grand total of one evening a week.

I get that it must be frustrating to be assumed as the default parent/carer, but we don't know that that's the case here. These are unprecedented circumstances.

OP - I'd suggest a conversation with ex laying out the entire scenario (including lack of maintenance if you can't get another job). I'd also really suggest trying for 50:50 - through court if necessary.

GizzaNuther- yes! "I've got a job. On my weekends, do you think it's best if I sort childcare with my mum and girlfriend, or if I take extra days in the week, and you kindly swap? What do you think?" Then she could say yes or no.

If OP had been prepared for a no, he wouldn't be surprised enough to post on Mumsnet. So however he phrased it, it wasn't in a way where he was prepared for a no. And it's totally reasonable for her to say no! They're his kids.