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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

388 replies

84dan · 02/07/2020 18:40

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
GizzaNuther · 02/07/2020 23:26

She is facilitating continued contact for her children and their father as any parent should do.

Yep, by making the arrangement for him to have them Friday - Monday. He's the one who has made other plans for that time before checking that she would be happy to swap.

In her position I might well agree to change the arrangement, but she's not being unreasonable to make a different choice.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 02/07/2020 23:28

arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs surely if you are working when youre down for contact, you need to arrange childcare, not change everything to suit you?

Essentially , this... They are no longer a couple. It isn't the mother's role to facilitate her ex's career. if it is your day and you are working, you arrange childcare. If you cannot arrange childcare, you cannot take that job. Like many, many resident parents do every single day, you have to work around your children.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 02/07/2020 23:29

The court would set up strict contact arrangements that have limited flexibility. They would expect each parent to stick to the dates they'd arranged.

One parent would not be penalised for failing to step in if the other parent's work hours changed. They would expect that parent to stick to the agreement and arrange alternative childcare themselves.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 02/07/2020 23:31

Why are people suggesting 50/50 for someone who is not prepared to arrange childcare on days he needs it? How will he ever manage the demands of 50/50 childcare? Doctors, dentists, hairdressers, clothes shopping, Constant demands from school, clubs, homework...

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 23:33

Really are you all so inflexible that you wouldn’t change contact days for the sake of the children? The OP hasn’t done this out of spite, he has been offered another job in the middle of a pandemic where people are being made redundant in thousands. He said himself he would rather not work weekends, but for the sake of the kids you wouldn’t temporarily be flexible until a better solution was found? If the OP finds childcare on his weekends he’d hardly see the kids if he works until 7pm. It’s really not fair on them when Op is trying to pay bills and keep a roof over their head. So so selfish some of you on here with your axe to grind.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 23:40

"Why are people suggesting 50/50 for someone who is not prepared to arrange childcare on days he needs it? How will he ever manage the demands of 50/50 childcare? Doctors, dentists, hairdressers, clothes shopping, Constant demands from school, clubs, homework..."

It's quite funny people are suggesting 50:50, and court, for a man who wants to STOP seeing his kids when he's agreed to, not see them more!

LannieDuck · 02/07/2020 23:41

I like the suggestion that you ask your parents to swap their day of childcare and look after your DC one weekend day... then you take the weekday that they were previously seeing the DC. You'd have to get childcare for the other weekend day (childminder perhaps?), but at least you'd see the kids for a day a week. And as you said, it's only temporary.

That way you'd be solving your own childcare issues and wouldn't be imposing on your ex.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 23:42

And, yes, court would not be chopping and changing the agreement every time OP wanted (five times back to court?! They would not like that.)

So, yes, OP, take it to court. Please feed back.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 23:43

@coasterboaster I’m starting to think you are plain old stupid now. The Op is not wanting to see his children less as has been pointed out to you before. He is asking to change contact time. What is it you don’t understand about that?

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 23:45

He is wanting to swap weekend time (kids at home), for weekday time (kids at school. Or in the holidays at their mate's house. And he hasn't said this job is six weeks only, so mostly at school.)

On school days he will see them less than weekend days.

So by swapping his weekend for mid week days, he will be seeing them less.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 02/07/2020 23:47

@FuckKnowsMate why do you not think op should have any responsibility for childcare arrangements?

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 02/07/2020 23:48

Does anyone know how UC reacts to someone who turns a job down because it doesn't work with childcare or contact? Is that OK or will there be sanctions? I know a pp said the requirement to look for work is suspended but is that just for RP or does it apply to NRP?

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 23:50

Weekends when kids go to parties, have sports activities, still want to see their friends and not necessarily sat at home all the time so in the company of a parent so I don’t understand your point there really. How do you know how long the job will last? OP has made it clear if anything better comes his way he would take it.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 02/07/2020 23:50

Does anyone know how UC reacts to someone who turns a job down because it doesn't work with childcare or contact? has op tried to arrange childcare?

CheshireChat · 02/07/2020 23:50

And also, my ex is being a dick in general which makes me entirely unwilling to help him out with anything, if the OP's ex feels this way about him 🤷🏻‍♀️.

And also I'm spectacularly fed up of being the default parent and being expected to take on the wifework even though we're not together anymore.

But yeah, you should've asked her from the beginning what she'd prefer and proceed from that point, if you went to her and said 'I've got a new job, you'll have the kids on weekends from now on' and then kicked off that she only works two days when she objects... Then it's quite different.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 23:50

The thing is, OP probably won't need to turn the job down.

He just needs to stop assuming his ex will pick up the slack. It sounds like he has childcare, he just didn't want to use it.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 02/07/2020 23:51

so I don’t understand your point there yes and it is quite embarrassing that you dont.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 23:52

FuckKnowsMate

If you're really going to argue that you don't get more time with kids on a weekend day than on a school day, then I don't know what to say. It is obvious that days when there's school mean less time with the NRP than weekend days.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 23:53

@MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood I never said that. The job the Op has been offered unfortunately is on weekends, he can arrange childcare but there is also the alternative for his ex to be flexible for the sake of the kids not losing out on time with their father. OP has had the kids whilst his ex has worked and he’s been on furlough? Why didn’t the ex carry on with her childcare arrangements as normal ? Perhaps it’s because Op is a decent parent and wanted to help out for the sake of the children.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 23:55

Of course you get more time at weekends but not when you have to work until 7pm

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 23:55

The OP is never "helping out" with his own children. They're HIS children.

GizzaNuther · 02/07/2020 23:55

The OP said:

I thought if we had a 50/50 arrangement I would obviously arrange cover for my weekends, but since it’s not 50/50 I assumed my visitation would need to fit in around my work

so presumably could arrange childcare if he wanted to.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 02/07/2020 23:56

Stop saying for the sake of the kids. It is not at all. Emotional blackmail is not appropriate.

Op knows the arrangement. He can arrange his childcare. Or he could have asked for suggestions and not assumed his ex was default parent. But he didnt. So he can arrange childcare. Which ive since spotted he said he will now do.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 23:56

Yes they are HIS children but his ex was quite happy for him to have them on HER day of work. But won’t be flexible for him.

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 23:57

Everything should be for the sake of the kids and it’s quite embarrassing you don’t think that.