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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

388 replies

84dan · 02/07/2020 18:40

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

OP posts:

MsPants · 02/07/2020 20:39

@Smallsteps88 I can't understand why you're getting such a pasting on this thread tbh, it's really horrible and aggressive

@84dan You sound like you're really trying, and it does seem like your ex is BU and pretty selfish. I think you've hit a raw nerve with a few people though, as RPs are often expected to be the ones who arrange their lives around the NRP's convenience. When I split with my DC dad, I had to give up my much loved job as childcare just wasn't available around it. My earning potential over the years has been vastly lower than his because I always had to have a job that fit with available childcare. This has never been a consideration for him and he has always felt entitled to simply say "I won't be available on xyz day to look after DC".

Of course people are projecting, perhaps unfairly in this case, but it can feel extremely frustrating to be considered the "default parent" as others have said. Please consider whether you may be coming across this way, and think about whether she would be able to have the same flexibility if the roles were reversed. If you can honestly say this is the case then yanbu.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 20:41

mspants that's exactly it.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:43

I can't understand why you're getting such a pasting on this thread tbh, it's really horrible and aggressive

Thank you for the it’s par for the course on MN. You just get people like that. Water off a ducks back at this stage tbh.

AnnaBanana333 · 02/07/2020 20:47

You need to arrange childcare for the days you are working during contact. Just like she does for her 2 days a week that she works during her time.

So the children don't get to see their father until he finds another job, which in this climate could be years.

How does that benefit the children, exactly?

They are the most important here. Not the OP or his ex.

Coronabegone · 02/07/2020 20:54

I can't understand why you're getting such a pasting on this thread tbh, it's really horrible and aggressive

Because she's being totally unreasonable and expecting tax paying workers to pay for UC for a man that can work full time (and pay towards @Smallsteps88 s benefits), but he shouldn't because his ex wants "me" time at the weekends and not during the week?

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:58

Comprehension skills have gone to the dogs on MN in recent years.

MsPants · 02/07/2020 21:05

It's really weird to be, instead of giving advice/support/opinions to the OP, singling out another poster with a different viewpoint and going on the attack. It's like being on Twitter.

JassyRadlett · 02/07/2020 21:22

No issue then, he doesn’t need the weekend contact to change then.

But then isn’t the issue that she’ll lose the maintenance, and possibly the house as she’s said she couldn’t afford it if contact was 50/50 with no maintenance?

She does seem to want to have her cake and eat it.

rayoflightboy · 02/07/2020 21:26

Plus contact changes.You cant always expect things to stay the same.

Life moves on,you have to be fluid.

Plus @84dan how old are your kids.I think you may get more advice suitable for you.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 21:27

But then isn’t the issue that she’ll lose the maintenance, and possibly the house as she’s said she couldn’t afford it if contact was 50/50 with no maintenance?

She does seem to want to have her cake and eat it.

If he has no other options- Yes that’s a possibility (not a definite as he may find other work relatively quickly or she may also be able to increase her own income- who knows)

Coronabegone · 02/07/2020 21:55

Comprehension skills have gone to the dogs on MN in recent years.

Surprised that if your comprehension skills are so on point @Smallsteps88 you're not able to obtain suitable employment?

rayoflightboy · 02/07/2020 21:57

If he has no other options

But he does have other options,thats the whole point of the thread.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 22:00

Corona you rent making yourself look any better with that post.

But he does have other options,thats the whole point of the thread.

I meant employment options. Sorry, that wasn’t clear.

Coronabegone · 02/07/2020 22:05

@rayoflightboy like claiming benefits.... when the whole country is in the middle of pandemic?

I see @Smallsteps88 thinks that's fine, because she on benefits (that people like me are fucking paying), but OP can and should work full
time and not rely on tax payers to give the ex free time at every other weekend at the expense of the tax payers!
She can have free time during the week! What's the bloody difference?

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 22:07

because she on benefits (that people like me are fucking paying)

Oh dear. Are you annoyed about that?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/07/2020 22:14

There's nothing wrong with being on benefits, but it's better to work when possible. And it is possible for OP to work in this situation.

Coronabegone · 02/07/2020 22:19

Oh dear. Are you annoyed about that?

Not for necessary cases, but yes because ex partners want me tome at the weekends only!

Fuck that shit!

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 22:22

Not for necessary cases

So mine then.

but yes because ex partners want me tome at the weekends only!

So not relevant to this thread then because no one has advised that.

Danni91 · 02/07/2020 22:25

I think smallsteps is just trying to goad people into an argument

I dont think ive seen anyone actively encouraging people to claim benefits before.

Ive nothing against benefits and infact have needed them before and was very thankful but jesus christ

The man needs and wants to work, hes found a job, hes not telling his ex he can never see the kids again hes just saying - if you want help towards the mortgage and if you want me pay maintenance, then i need to change a Sunday & monday to a tuesday and a wednesday so i can still see the kids, its not forever just for now

Same way mum should be saying 'well i want him to see the kids, the kids wanna see him, its not ideal but hes trying to work and it is what it is'

Reverse genders if needed.

I know if i split with my partner i would proli get 4-500 a month for our 3 kids from him, its a lot to lose if its paying for the roof over their heads so id go with the flow as i needed to (assuming it doesnt affect my job as sole earner in the home)

Coronabegone · 02/07/2020 22:28

I'm going to be honest @Smallsteps88 you strike me as a person that thinks if I can find a reason not to work, like my ex might not like w change in pattern, then I'll just say I can't work.

It's very irritating for people paying your benefits.... we have to deal with inconvenienced like wrap around care etc, we put our social life on the back burner, but as long as you've got ex's that have exactly the working hours you want... we will pay until you're happy.

It's not like the country is in the middle of a pandemic .

Notenoughchocolateomg · 02/07/2020 22:29

Can I just say as a single mum who has a complete waste of space ex who is a shit dad to our beautiful children, I think you're a fantastic dad. From a single mum who has her children constantly, no breaks at all unless at school, thank you for not being a dick.

mrsBtheparker · 02/07/2020 22:33

The first time she dumps your children knowing you are not there you call Social Services, she is an unfit person to have children.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 22:37

I think smallsteps is just trying to goad people into an argument

I dont think ive seen anyone actively encouraging people to claim benefits before.

I think you need to read again.

I'm going to be honest @Smallsteps88 you strike me as a person that thinks if I can find a reason not to work, like my ex might not like w change in pattern, then I'll just say I can't work.

Having worked for 20 years, and raised my children in the absence of another parent for 90 percent of their lives, I find that quite amusing to read. I’ve been claiming universal credit for exactly 3.5 months. But you carry on with your own assumptions.

Danni91 · 02/07/2020 22:41

I don't think i do 😂

You are very repetitive its easy to understand what you are saying.

Nothing we say will change your mind tho you clearly think its ok so it is what it is!

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 22:44

you clearly think its ok

What’s ok?

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