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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Changing custody arrangement with ex-wife

388 replies

84dan · 02/07/2020 18:40

Hoping to get some advise from anyone who shares custody.

Pre-lockdown I had my kids Friday-Monday every other weekend and every Tuesday overnight. I’ve now been made redundant due to Covid but luckily have been offered another job before my furlough ends BUT I now need to work every weekend (both days all day)

I’ve asked to speak to my ex about changing the arrangement so I can have the kids on my days off in the week (no court ordered arrangement, we’ve organised everything ourselves including maintenance, arrangement had changed slightly every time I’ve changed jobs but has always included at least a partial weekend). She is completely refusing to change the arrangement saying it’s her free weekend and she’s not willing to give it up.

I obviously don’t want to work weekends and will keep looking for other work, but right now I feel lucky to have anything and need to take whatever I can get. I also want to continue having quality time with my kids, so have asked to change the days to when I’m not working during the week. She works 2 days a week so will likely still get her “free time” just on different days.

I’m physically not around to have the kids now on the weekend (it’s not a WFH job) but she said she’s just going to drop the kids off regardless and that my girlfriend or parents can look after them. The visitation is for me to spend time with them - and if the arrangement doesn’t change I’ll hardly see them as my shifts don’t end til 7pm.

I’ve already explained I’ll raise the maintenance as I’m not able to have them on the weekends but she says it doesn’t matter as the arrangement isn’t changing.

AIBU here?

OP posts:
FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 20:13

@Smallsteps88 you wouldn’t have to worry about being made redundant since you don’t work.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:14

Not normal for you though is it?

Eh? Confused

When I worked I used childcare. When lockdown started all childcare shut down. What childcare do you expect me to use?

Hopoindown31 · 02/07/2020 20:14

I call bullshit on the fact your working every weekend imo. Same kind of lame excuse my ex would use is you ex not entitled to some free days without work and children OP? How about arrange for you to have them on your days off through the week and also ask grandparents to have them one night on the weekend that would have otherwise been yours?

Have you actually read what the OP posted? He is trying to get his ex to change days and she is refusing.

Massive amounts of projection on this thread.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:15

you wouldn’t have to worry about being made redundant since you don’t work.

Since March when I had to stop working due to having no childcare.

HogDogKetchup · 02/07/2020 20:16

It’s not normal for you to need childcare to enable you to work. But you expect OP to magic it up.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 20:17

Maybe the ex will be able to invest in her career, if OP stops using her as a free nanny, and does 50% care of his children.

Hopoindown31 · 02/07/2020 20:18

In OPs shoes Id have called my ex as soon as redundancy was announced and said “I’m going to be looking for new work- I’ll possibly need to change contact arrangements- can you give me an idea of what days works for you so I know what I can look for?”

Is that outrageous?

No, that is what he is doing. He hasn't accepted the job offer yet.

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:18

It’s not normal for you to need childcare to enable you to work.

Try again.

madcow88 · 02/07/2020 20:18

@Smallsteps88

you are spectacularly missing the point here. Its not about childcare, it's about a father who would actually like to spend time with his children.

No, the point that has been missed is that this man has a responsibility to consider his children when arranging work. Not just accepting the work and then rearranging the children. That’s not a luxury you have when you are a parent.

I totally agree with this!!
Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:20

No, that is what he is doing. He hasn't accepted the job offer yet.

No issue then, he doesn’t need the weekend contact to change then.

rayoflightboy · 02/07/2020 20:20

call bullshit on the fact your working every weekend imo
I worked nearly every weekend In a supermarket.

You have no idea what type of job he's taken.

She works 2 days a week,it makes more sense for the full-time worker to get the choice of days ago they can take the kids.

Maybe going without her maintence for a bit will sharpen her mind.

madcow88 · 02/07/2020 20:20

@Smallsteps88

He accepted work and then just dumped the consequences of that on his ex and children and expect them to work around him. Decency would have had him speaking to her before hand and asking if she can accommodate a new contact schedule before he accepted the new role.
Again totally agree with you!
netflixismysidehustle · 02/07/2020 20:20

Think you're going to have to go to mediation and get a new order.
The point that RP organize childcare is moot since the mum uses grandparents (including OP's parents on one day.) Insisting that he keeps the arrangement means that the children get less time with Dad and his parents forced to take another day when one day might be what they actually want.

We are looking at a massive recession looming. Op can't be fussy really

netflixismysidehustle · 02/07/2020 20:21

Can you even get paid childcare on weekends?

FuckKnowsMate · 02/07/2020 20:22

Maybe the ex will be able to invest in her career, if OP stops using her as a free nanny, and does 50% care of his children.

Op has asked for 50% care but his ex refused. He’s not using her as a free nanny, he is asking if she as the mother is willing to co parent with him in order for the children to see him. Do you think he should turn down the job offer then? And go on benefits until he can get another job which In this economic climate could take weeks or even months? Really?

Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 20:23

Btw OP I do think you should go to court and have contact formalised then you will both know where you stand even if you do change jobs often it won’t change he contact arrangement for either of you.

Original poster
84dan · 02/07/2020 20:24

A few people have suggested I have the kids on Saturdays and ex have them Sundays (or similar) which I hadn’t thought of so thank you, I will suggest that. Ultimately if we can’t come to an agreement my girlfriend will have them on the weekend while I’m working and I’ll see the kids before/after work. I didn’t mean to insinuate I view my ex as a nanny and that the kids aren’t my responsibility- I just thought I’d made sense for her to have them if she’s off work as it’s difficult to get weekend childcare even pre-Covid.
I’ve had 3 jobs in the 8 years since we’ve split and always spoken to her about it before accepting but my hands been forced on this one really - honestly I thought she’d be happy that the maintenance wouldn’t be affected

OP posts:
coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 20:24

I think it's all about exactly how OP presented this to his ex...

If OP wanted 50:50, he'd have it. Court would award it, if he wanted it.

SoloMummy · 02/07/2020 20:25

@84dan
What share of the school holidays do you have?

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 20:26

OP, that sounds better. Compromise is likely the way forwards, and respect today she may value her time more than the money, and she's allowed to say that.

If you're properly co parenting, I'm sure you can sort this out. The Saturday/Sunday thing does sound a good compromise.

rayoflightboy · 02/07/2020 20:31

@coasterboaster I think you're reading what you want to read.
The op has said he didn't go 50/50 cause it would reduce maintenance and the DM wouldn't manage to pay the mortgage.

That to me like he's a decent bloke looking out for his kids.The DM isn't automatically right just cause she's female.

Original poster
84dan · 02/07/2020 20:34

I book 2 weeks off in the summer holidays to have the kids, usually take them camping for a few days. I also book a week off in May/June so ex can go to Spain with her sister (they go together every year)

OP posts:
SoloMummy · 02/07/2020 20:34

@Smallsteps88

Smallsteps, pray do tell where you find this weekend childcare until 7pm - I’m sure lots of us would find this helpful.

OPs Ex apparently, is the go to weekend childcare provider. For the rest of us- that is probably why we engage common sensedon’t accept weekend work without first sorting the childcare.

I think that @84dan explained succinctly that this job hours weren't ideal, but more ideal than jobless and not able to pay maintenance for his children!

My suggestion, though far from ideal, would be continue with overnights, presumably when you're not working would be better for the children to have as much contact as possible with you. And propose that you have the children at least 1 of the school holiday weeks 6 times a year as well. She may not want to lose that time, but it would give her her break she expects. And gives a negotiation starting point.

Yes she could "dump" the children at the weekend regardless and yes you have a partner who could be stepping into the breach. If she does this, I'd insist on the weeks holidays x 6. Obviously you'll not be able to take all of the 6 holidays, but could probably take 3 days of these off at a time and then request your partner or extended family provide childcare and then you get the other 2 days off anyway.

But obviously ideally, a more family friendly role is needed.

coasterboaster · 02/07/2020 20:36

If OP wanted 50:50, he'd have it.

I'd never accept an arrangement that had me having less than 50% with my kids. Would you?

Danni91 · 02/07/2020 20:38

Ridiculous of course working and paying your bills and feeding yourself and kids come first.

What use is having no home for them to visit you in or sitting in the dark because you couldn't take 'that job cause i had to work a Saturday' whilst the other parent was available but liked the current routine.

Relationships break down, its shit, it happens, kids suffer etc etc but the parents still need to work and no if every parent worked around the kids there would be no need for breakfast and after school clubs, child minders etc

We take what pays bills and we sort kids and life around it because if we didn't we would be fucked

Universal credit doesnt work for everyone. Single parents get the best deal in my opinion.