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AIBU?

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Original poster

48 and pregnant

147 replies

Rlp2904 · 02/07/2020 18:11

Hi , looking for some advice, I was steralised 12 years ago, I've started perimenopause and just discovered I'm 5/6 weeks pregnant !! I've been single for over 2 years after coming out of an abusive relationship and recently met a wonderful guy who has been been my fairh up that not all men are bastards.
Now we have spoken about the pregnancy and the pros and cons ... what cons ? I'm a mother of a 24 and 16byr old and have 3 wonderful grandchildren one on a couple of weeks old. My partner is 100% against this , to the point that he has said if I carry on with the pregnancy he will hate the baby and resent me .... I'm in turmoil... I know all the cons and none of the pros ...

OP posts:
fandemic · 02/07/2020 18:16

Wow, your partner doesn't sound like a 'wonderful guy' if that's his reaction - sounds like he's showing his true colours!

What do you want to do, in your heart? Would you want to go ahead if you were going to be raising the baby as a single mother? You obviously already know the ins and outs of raising children ... worth visiting the GP for a run-down of any risks associated with being older than you were in your previous pregnancies. But when I was pregnant with my second child, at which point I was 36, I moaning about being an 'old mother' to my midwife and she told me that actually she sees tons of women in their 40s these days. So while this might be a big shock to you, it's probably not going to be for the medical staff!

Can I say congratulations? And also whatever you decide is fine

KeepWashingThoseHands · 02/07/2020 18:22

I don't mean to pile on as you have enough on your plate but the response from your partner suggests he 'might' be better than abusive - but is still a dick. Just think about what you're tolerating and perception of healthy.

Good luck to you whatever you decide.

MaintainTheMolehill · 02/07/2020 18:25

Take the partner out of the equation and think about what you want and what you can cope with.

He doesn't sound like such a great guy based on his reaction.

StudyBuddy · 02/07/2020 18:26

I'm going to give you an actual response rather than just using absolutely any opportunity I can to man-bash. If a woman with a 24 and 16 year old didn't want another child after behaving sensible to prevent pregnancy then no one would judge them.
OP - I hope you're ok. If you were sterilised and didn't regret it then it doesn't sound like you wanted this pregnancy. How are you genuinely feeling now it's happened? Is there a part of you that's happy? Are you concerned about your age or your children or your partner? This is a decision that you'll need to make (perhaps with your partner and your children's input too because this would be a huge change for the whole family if you do have this child). I don't know anyone who regrets having a child, but most people also don't regret aborting or putting a child up for adoption if it's not the right time for them.

Merryoldgoat · 02/07/2020 18:28

Your partner isn’t wonderful - that’s an utterly vile reaction to someone he’s supposed to care about.

Do you want the baby? That’s the only real consideration.

Hayes178 · 02/07/2020 18:29

Your partner is right, not all men are bastards but he certainly is.

TheVanguardSix · 02/07/2020 18:30

I'm 48 and I can only imagine what a shock this must be.
I am so sorry. I have no advice really. But your boyfriend has shown you who he is. He's allowed to not be happy about the pregnancy. He's allowed to have a say. But to be so nasty and horrible about it? That's pretty unforgivable, what he's said to you, OP. I think you're struggling with the reality that he's not a nice man.
You have choices. Don't be afraid of what you want, whatever you decide. It's early days and I hope that you find peace.
I think your biggest problem is the lack of support from your OH. How old is he and does he have children?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/07/2020 18:31

Well he's not a wonderful man at all is he?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/07/2020 18:36

I agree with PP he's not my idea of a wonderful guy. I can get its a shock for him not only due to your age (No disrespect)but also the fact that you have been sterilized. Therefore pregnancy was the last thing on your mind and certainly in your plans. How do you feel about it yourself, though.
I was talking to a women the other week and she was telling me that there was 26 year gap between her 2 kids.
She said it knocked them for 6 at first but now everyone absolutely thrilled to bits with him.

AlternativePerspective · 02/07/2020 18:37

Your partner’s reaction is horrible, although he is allowed to not be happy about it, esp if you’ve only been seeing each other a matter of weeks. While sterilisation isn’t foolproof, I imagine that he may be sceptical about you saying you were sterilised and then pregnant weeks later, iyswim.

What you need to decide is what you want to do.

Personally I can’t see any pro’s about having a baby at 49 (as I assume you’ll be 49 by the time it’s born,) so you’ll be nearly 70 by the time it reaches 21...

Added to which the increased risks of pregnancy plus any risks of chromosomal abnormalities, although you can think about those in terms of being tested etc if you do proceed.

This is IMO one of those situations where you have to think with your head and not your heart.

Isthisfinallyit · 02/07/2020 18:38

I don't think any relationship can recover from a man who makes a surprise pregnancy a breaking point. So whatever you choose, I don't think you will stay together. Only you can decide if you would like to keep this child or not. You don't have to decide today, it must be such a shock, take a little time to explore your feelings. I don't think an abortion should be decided too quickly, it would be tempted to abort out of shock while if you wait a week or two you might think differently, or not but at least you're more sure then.

Good luck with your choice, just make sure it's yours.

KetoWinnie · 02/07/2020 18:40

omg, do yourself a favour and have a termination. I feel for you because it's a huge shock, but at this time in your life you should be getting to enjoy a bit of freedom. Do not sign up for two more decades of responsibility.

IHaveBrilloHair · 02/07/2020 18:40

Take the man out of the equation.
Do you want the baby because really that's all that matters for now.

Isthisfinallyit · 02/07/2020 18:40

Oh and a big virtual hug, you must be so shocked. But you will be ok again.

MadameButterface · 02/07/2020 18:43

hmmmm well in your shoes I would terminate the pregnancy and get rid of the man. it sounds like you've moved on from the baby stage with your life very happily and while surprise babies can be wonderful, even when you're left on your own to raise them, it is a young person's game, especially when you're doing it solo, and I'd be wary of the worst case scenario where your health or the baby's health is affected longterm to the point where you're no longer able to enjoy the happy life you've worked so hard to build.

and as for the man, people are allowed to not want children, that is perfectly fine. however all adults engaging in PIV sex should be prepared for the possibility that it could result in pregnancy, no matter how small and minuscule the possibility, and it sounds as if he has been quite cold and almost cruel in the way he's handled this news. I'd be waving him off into the sunset.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/07/2020 18:43

Good luck with your choice. Just make sure it's yours.

This one 1,000,000%.

. This is probably the biggest and hardest desicion you'll ever have to make. Do not be 'persuaded' into anything.

nextslideplease · 02/07/2020 18:45

what do your children think? Are they supportive?

It is YOUR decision though. Not theirs, Not his. although it does help to have support.

I think the first thing you should get rid of is this man.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2020 18:45

You know one thing for sure, your boyfriend will be long gone if you have this baby. Can you cope with that? There's also a much higher risk of disabilities, and having a miscarriage is quite likely.

Personally, I would terminate as soon as possible. Do you really want a baby at 49 and a teenager in your 60's?

KetoWinnie · 02/07/2020 18:45

Yes, I hope your boyfriend's cold unsupportive responsive has turned you off him! He sounds like he was deliberately and unnecessarily cruel to attempt to manipulate you in to a termination!

I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to be a parent, but the coldness and the unnecessary but deliberate cruelty when I needed support would be a huge turn off.

SouthernComforts · 02/07/2020 18:45

We don't know how he phrased it do we, the OP has summed up his stance on the very suprise pregnancy. Not everyone on the planet wants children and dating a sterilised 48 year old is a pretty safe bet, no wonder he's reacted badly!

OP, only you can decide what you want to do here, take him out of the equation and consider being a single parent to a teen in your 60's and a grandmother to quite a few at the same time.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/07/2020 18:46

I don't think it's anyone's place to be telling O P to get a termination.

nopoo · 02/07/2020 18:48

Listen to your heart.

And LTB

lilyboleyn · 02/07/2020 18:49

Came on to tell you he’s clearly not a wonderful man in that case, but I see there’s been enough telling you that already.
If you want this, go with it. You don’t need a man to be happy/successful/the best possible you.

Cauterize · 02/07/2020 18:53

Honestly I think you should terminate, 48 really is too old to start over imo.

I don't think your relationship is going to survive this though.

Cauterize · 02/07/2020 18:53

Honestly I think you should terminate, 48 really is too old to start over imo.

I don't think your relationship is going to survive this though.

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