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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

48 and pregnant

147 replies

Rlp2904 · 02/07/2020 18:11

Hi , looking for some advice, I was steralised 12 years ago, I've started perimenopause and just discovered I'm 5/6 weeks pregnant !! I've been single for over 2 years after coming out of an abusive relationship and recently met a wonderful guy who has been been my fairh up that not all men are bastards.
Now we have spoken about the pregnancy and the pros and cons ... what cons ? I'm a mother of a 24 and 16byr old and have 3 wonderful grandchildren one on a couple of weeks old. My partner is 100% against this , to the point that he has said if I carry on with the pregnancy he will hate the baby and resent me .... I'm in turmoil... I know all the cons and none of the pros ...

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 02/07/2020 21:47

Worst case scenario- you have to raise your child with a man who resents you and will make your life hell throughout, you are permanently tied to him and he will have constant regular access to your life, your phone, your emails, your house, and your time. Not to mention your teen who will be subjected to him too despite being no relation at all.

Can you cope with that?

IDreamInFeathers · 02/07/2020 21:48

There's a girl in my 5 yo DDs class whose mother is 55. Plenty of older mums at my son's school too.

I had my eldest son at 19. I was at a different stage of my life to all of my friends at the time but I have no regrets.

cologne4711 · 02/07/2020 21:51

Blimey I don't think the partner is vile at all. Realistic. Having a baby at 48 is not a good idea and there are very high chances of complications.

I am 48 and I would be terrified of having a disabled child if I got through the pregnancy at all - a miscarriage is more than likely. You probably don't need to terminate, your body will do it for you.

I am really amazed so many people on here think the partner is horrible. I don't. The OP is not 28 or even 38. And presumably the partner isn't that young, either.

Cookie123456 · 02/07/2020 21:56

I don't think the partner sounds awful, he sounds like he's in shock. Not many people would want a baby at that age, especially knowing the higher risk of disabilities.

Monstamio · 02/07/2020 21:56

If you haven't already, then you need to get the pregnancy confirmed by a scan asap. Pregnancies post sterilisation come with a high risk of being ectopic, which could be incredibly dangerous.

Best of luck with whatever decision you come to outside of the above Flowers

paperandfireworks · 02/07/2020 21:59

I'm imaging the poor bloke could have grandchildren himself. Posters on here should maybe consider if it was their own dad who was seeing someone for a few weeks and she became pregnant would they be supportive of a pregnancy? Doubt it.

picklemewalnuts · 02/07/2020 22:03

He doesn't have to be thrilled. He doesn't have to be supportive. He doesn't need to be nasty to someone who has far more skin in the game than he does!

picklemewalnuts · 02/07/2020 22:03

He doesn't have to be thrilled. He doesn't have to be supportive. He doesn't need to be nasty to someone who has far more skin in the game than he does!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 02/07/2020 22:03

I’d ditch the bloke then go straight to the GP. You need a scan to see how far along you are and if baby is in correct place etc. Then you can consider whether or not you actually want another baby at this stage.

WingingItSince1973 · 02/07/2020 22:05

OP hope you ok. First can I ask if you've taken a pregnancy test and are just not guessing from missed periods? As some have said having a pregnancy after sterilisation could be ectopic. Although I had an ectopic many years ago and by 6 weeks I was in horrendous pain. I have also been sterilised and am 47. I have friends my age with little ones. Ita not impossible. But I would suggest you get to your doctors if possible just to check you are OK and definitely pregnant. I won't offer advice on your relationship or pregnancy but please please take your time to make any life changing decisions. Can you take a career break? Many women juggle nursery and work. My daughter is one of them. Sounds like you would have family to support you? Take care xxx

Doingtheboxerbeat · 02/07/2020 22:15

I think in this situation, we can all say what we would do but I would not feel comfortable telling a total stranger to terminate a pregnancy over the Internet ffs.. How arrogant and dismissive is that?
I would terminate the pregnancy and dump the arsehole for sure, but also understand that this is 2 totally heartbreaking decisions to make all at once and not to be taken so lightly Flowers.

Redshoeblueshoe · 02/07/2020 22:18

Cologne - I thought it was just me. The DP is probably in shock.
OP I don't know you, but I know one woman who is 35 and it would be a big mistake for her to have another child, and I also know a 50 year old who would be fine.
Get the thread moved.
Don't discuss this with your DC.
Have you got a really good friend that you can talk to ?

Wolfgirrl · 02/07/2020 22:23

What a surprise OP.

I'm sorry but your OH does not sound wonderful, in fact he sounds like a total bastard. Put him out of your mind while you make your decision.

Follow your heart, corny as it sounds Flowers

EveleftEden · 02/07/2020 22:31

OP you need to do what’s best for you. He sounds like a knob.

If I was in your position now I’d not have it. I’m 41 just getting back on my feet again with my career and my youngest is now only just sleeping through at nearly four. It nearly finished me off.

Being a single mum at 48 with a new baby is going to be bloody tough. Flowers

Mary46 · 02/07/2020 23:07

Good luck op. Im 47. But we not all the same. Not sure I could do lack of sleep now!! Take care mind yourself

Griselda1 · 02/07/2020 23:10

He's not wonderful, put him out of the equation and then consider what you want to do about your baby.I 'd feel really blessed if I were you.

campion · 02/07/2020 23:35

You met him recently,you're 48 and sterilised and presumably you told him you couldn't get pregnant. His reaction sounds like shock mixed with blind panic to me.

Only you can decide what you want but I think you'd be better speaking to a neutral person rather than one of your children. They'd be too emotionally involved which wouldn't help you.

Runkle · 02/07/2020 23:41

Sorry if this is a silly question but are you sure you're pregnant (by bloods/scan)? Just wondered if something else may have thrown up a false positive?

GabsAlot · 03/07/2020 00:09

sorry if i misread did you say he booked an appt for monday

if so thats not his place and yu need time to think-he doesnt sound lovely at all

Yeahnahmum · 03/07/2020 00:25

I can imagine your partner not wanting this. I assume he is the same age. Going through a baby fase at 48/49. That is going to be so rough. I wouldn't want it either at that age. And considering you might be going to have to do it all by yourself... Shock your body will also not be happy about it. Have you thought Bout the fact that there is such a high possibility that your fetus will have severe special needs considering your age?
I guess obviously it is all op to you and what you want. Not your partner. Not your daughter. Just you. What do you want. That's most important. But do think about all the possible and definite cons very carefully..

MiddlesexGirl · 03/07/2020 00:31

I'm older than op and would be absolutely fine having a baby. Everyone is different and only op can know whether she feels capable of the required commitment and wants it.
The partner on the other hand sounds vile.

makingmammaries · 03/07/2020 00:39

The man sounds revolting, sorry. You’ve dodged a bullet with him, OP.

It’s fine to keep the baby if the scans come back ok and your health is ok and you can and want to cope with the situation. I’d probably want to keep it, but everyone is different. Wishing you luck.

StinkyWizzleteets · 03/07/2020 02:45

Your age is irrelevant OP, I used to speak to a woman on here who had her baby at 50. Both mother and child are extremely happy. The difference is the child was planned and much wanted by both parents.

Can you go it alone OP? That’s the only question you need to answer right now. Your partner’s response was horrible. It may have been said out of shock if said immediately upon finding out but if he’d had time to think then he needs to go. It’s emotional manipulation and it’s not the sign of a nice man.

I’d also be considering action against whomever sterilised you. Pregnancy within the first few months of sterilisation isn’t uncommon but years later?

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/07/2020 03:00

Cancel the termination, you can always book another should you want it.

I'm a late 40s mother to a toddler. It isnt easy. I have a giant toddler and it's physically challenging. I split with his dad when he was 1yo which has had a big impact on my career and MH.

But I weighed it up, having an only child before was a big thing thing for me. I don't regret having my 2nd, but I have to accept the reality of the situation. I will be parenting a child through school until I am in my 60s. On my own.

Is that what you want OP?

allthewaterinthetap · 03/07/2020 03:03

All that matters is what you want, and feel able to do. Take some time to think the situation out, and look after your health very closely.