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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

48 and pregnant

147 replies

Rlp2904 · 02/07/2020 18:11

Hi , looking for some advice, I was steralised 12 years ago, I've started perimenopause and just discovered I'm 5/6 weeks pregnant !! I've been single for over 2 years after coming out of an abusive relationship and recently met a wonderful guy who has been been my fairh up that not all men are bastards.
Now we have spoken about the pregnancy and the pros and cons ... what cons ? I'm a mother of a 24 and 16byr old and have 3 wonderful grandchildren one on a couple of weeks old. My partner is 100% against this , to the point that he has said if I carry on with the pregnancy he will hate the baby and resent me .... I'm in turmoil... I know all the cons and none of the pros ...

OP posts:
CityCommuter · 02/07/2020 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BiggestJulie · 02/07/2020 19:46

The chances of a miscarriage are, sadly, very high. I am pretty sure I would wait and see,and count any baby that came a gift and a blessing. But that is only what I would do. What you choose could be very different and be just as valid. It’s your body and your life and another potential life that would be your responsibility for a long time to come.

You know the cons. Look at your other children and they will remind you of the pros.

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 02/07/2020 19:54

You say you're finally in a career you love after years of being a single parent. That would be the tipping point for me.

Also I really would not tell your DC. Their view of this would inevitably be coloured by their own emotional response, conscious and unconscious (what if this means you didn't enjoy being their parent and wish you hadn't had them). Their own issues about another sibling, etc.

I'm sorry this is a tough situation.

Bunnymumy · 02/07/2020 19:59

I know the reason - to let you know that mr wonderful is infact a total asshole.

I think it might be wise to terminate. The toll on your body may just be too great at 48.

But defo get rid of the nasty partner.

ExecutionStyle · 02/07/2020 20:02

It's up to you. It's your body. But if you leave the boyfriend don't expect him to pay for the baby. Apart from that do what you want. He sounds like an twat anyway love. He'll hate you and the baby? Wow... that is real love right there. Still, it's up to you. Big choice. But maybe it was meant to be? Up to you completely sweetheart.

Bunnymumy · 02/07/2020 20:04

Also if you haven't seen your gp yet it might be wise to check the baby isnt ectopic as that can happen after tubes have been tied.

PicsInRed · 02/07/2020 20:07

If you choose to have the baby, do you have the means to sell up and move rapidly away? Could you afford to start again elsewhere? Tell him you lost the baby?

I sense he is simply a different type of abuser and he would ruin half of the rest of your life. That and your baby's life - and cause related stress to your existing children.

Think carefully.

Cherrysoup · 02/07/2020 20:07

Showing his true colours, isn’t he?

Cherrysoup · 02/07/2020 20:07

Not sure I’d want to have a tie to him for the next 20 years!

IDreamInFeathers · 02/07/2020 20:08

I would keep the baby.

saltycat · 02/07/2020 20:11

Oh that must have been such a shock for you.

I wouldn't go through with a pregnancy at 48, sorry. Please do not discuss with your DD or any family member, keep it to yourself and use the counselling services that termination clinics often have. Think about it, you will damned if you do and damned if you don't I think.

I wish you well, but remember you will over 60 when the child is in secondary school.

BTW I am not pro abortion, but it is up to the woman at the end of the day.

Good that you are getting shut of the partner.

I wonder how sterilisation failed. That's scary.

BabyLlamaZen · 02/07/2020 20:15

How long have you known this man? A single mum at 48 with brand new baby and back to square one in terms of life on hold, this sounds so stressful op. If he was desperate for it and love of your life then maybe it would be worth it, but sounds like he's not. Flowers

Bmidreams · 02/07/2020 20:15

I definitely wouldn't continue with the pregnancy. I think that what your partner said is obviously awful, but I can see him being terrified and panicked, and throwing all kinds of words at you in desperation.

Whatafool123 · 02/07/2020 20:15

I had my second child at 48, first was at 41. Neither pregnancy was natural however, so that side was slightly different as I didn't have to worry so much about abnormalities etc (well, no more than anyone else).

Obviously it was different as I don't already have adult children so hadn't already spent my 20s and 30s as a parent. However, from the point of view of the pregnancy there is no reason it should be hard. You will be monitored more than if you were younger and probably not allowed to go beyond term, but otherwise it can be fine (based only on my experience).

I am 51 now with a 10yo and 3yo, and honestly it is fine. I am overweight and I think I need to shed a few pounds to properly keep up with my toddler but I am not noticeably tireder than other people my age or parents of younger children that I meet.

So it doesn't have to be terrible, and there is no doubt that there are certain ways in which having a little one also keeps you young. I am very aware how old I will be when he is 10 or 20 though so am making efforts to get fit and try to stay that way.

Good luck whatever you decide.

cheshirecat777 · 02/07/2020 20:17

Entirely your choice and i dont think you should feel pressured either way if you want to continue the pregnancy you should do so.

Families come in all shapes and sizes not just those with 2 kids with a 2 year age gap neatly delivered whilst the mother is between the age of 30 and 35.

Do what you want to do

ToelessPobble · 02/07/2020 20:17

Please do not feel pressured by these comments to make a decision either way. Most people seem to be saying to have an abortion but you have to live with whatever decision you make. Some cope emotionally with an abortion and feel fine about it, some don't and live with that regret and loss affecting them. I am sorry you are in this situation. Take time to talk it through with your daughter and a counsellor if that would help but make the decision right for you.

BabyLlamaZen · 02/07/2020 20:17

But at the same time op, if you dont want to terminate then it is also your body and your choice.

Annasgirl · 02/07/2020 20:18

HI OP, if I were you I would get this thread moved to a more supportive thread - pregnancy or relationships perhaps?

I do not think MN AIBU would support any woman over 40 who is pregnant to keep her baby, the thinking on here seems to be that we are ancient and incapable of having a healthy baby and parenting them, which is almost as bad as the way it was 50 years ago when you had no choice but to keep a baby, now you seem to have no choice but to terminate.

I would urge you to get counselling, alone, to make your choice. Good luck OP.

Somethingkindaoooo · 02/07/2020 20:20

Good luck with whatever you choose....

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/07/2020 20:29

Hi OP

Good luck with the decision.

I'd caution against discussing with your children though. It's their sibling, they are not impartial, and could bring up 'did you feel like this when pregnant with me' questions, and also they will probably be thinking of the other new babies in the family which might cloud their thinking. I'd speak to someone impartial

Aquamarine1029 · 02/07/2020 21:00

I'd caution against discussing with your children though.

I agree. Even if your child is an adult, this is a very personal, heavy burden to place upon them.

Deadposhtory · 02/07/2020 21:17

I had a very late baby as a single person and no regrets

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 02/07/2020 21:22

Cant advise on the baby but ditch the man

gonewiththerain · 02/07/2020 21:42

It was very common in years gone by for women to have a baby in her late forties or even early fifties. My grandmother did all was fine.
Make the decision you want and maybe as others have said get this thread moved to a different board.

TimeWastingButFun · 02/07/2020 21:45

Congratulations!! But I would ditch the not-wonderful guy.

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