I just got bad feedback - help me feel better?

[sadannie]

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic (sorry) - also NC.

I moved into a consulting job in September. The company is very tough with its hiring and mainly hires privately educated Oxbridge grads. I am a pupil premium BAME, one of the only women in the department, but qualified in the profession at another huge firm. I was brought in as experienced hire.

The field is entirely different to what I'm used to, however they know this as they specifically hire from my firm in my department for our different skills. I went through a rigorous process to get the job and I really enjoy it. Although, I often feel like an intruder and have very little confidence in my ability.

I worked on a project which was thoroughly challenging but we got it done well. I just had my feedback session and he said how I'm excellent in many ways but then commented on my improvements. The thing I need to improve is the knowledge gap between the two jobs... the same as every other experienced hire. However, he is taking the feedback form very literally where others wouldn't and is going to give me a rating that sounds fair but will stop me getting promoted (you get promoted every year and it's a shock if you don't, usually the person will leave) - he has said he doesn't want it to stop me getting promoted and will add a comment to say it shouldn't. I've argued that it would make more sense to give me the rating that ensures I do still get promoted but to put a comment that says I have XYZ to work on. He won't do that.

I'm very upset. I have excellent feedback in other projects but it doesn't really matter when considering this... I have GAD and OCD and will obsess over this and it is a further blow to my already dwindling confidence.

Does any one have any advice?

@rattusrattus20

I've got two semi-amusing ish diversity anecdotes from recent-ish personal experience.

Not long after the 'old school tie' Cameron/Osborne/Clegg/etc etc etc government got in, the big 4 company where I worked at the time started to worry about criticisms of elitism etc, so decided to take a pretty drastic step, namely ending the tradition of freely dishing out [failry ad hoc, i.e. not formally structured internships] work experience to the offspring of senior bods at blue-chip clients. But when said clients kicked off about this we decided to keep on taking the work experience kids but 'under the counter', i.e. without giving these kids their own computers, company email addresses, staff passes etc. Cue much frustration from secretaries obliged to lend out their staff passes and from IT support obliged to do whatever it was to enable these princelings to use their gleaming macbook laptops within the office.

c five years ago, working in a boutique environment, maybe not so dissimilar to OP's company, on a work awayday, a bunch of guys [then mostly late 20s/early 30s] drunk at the back of the hired coach, started getting rowdy & mildly abusive towards a colleague [male, muslim] who hadn't been drinking. when, after the event, he expressed a few mild concerns about this he earned himself the charming nickname 'diversity queen'.

It wasn't just worry about seeming elitist - it was worried about it being considered bribery. www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/antoinegara/2016/11/17/jpmorgan-agrees-to-pay-264-million-fine-for-sons-and-daughters-hiring-program-in-china/amp/

I had something a tiny bit similar 20 years ago (hold a grudge, moi?) and it still rankles.

The score was based on the trainee being the best the 'trainee' could be - as an unqualified individual only part way through training. 10 out of 10 scoring

My onsite mentor felt 'the best a trainee could be' meant comparable in skills to a fully qualified individual (which would be a superhuman trainee to have that level of skill so therefore fully deserving of a 10 in his mind) So he scored me a 9 on all aspects, which he remarked was the highest he had ever scored a woman. He was quite proud of the fact that he never had given a 10 to anyone.

9, in this particular module was a fail.

The training facility refused to challenge him due to his seniority within the industry, he rarely had trainees and not normally for this module. To be fair his actual teaching skills were second to none he was a fantastic mentor - right up to the last day when the scoring was done.

So I had to be reallocated and to do the module again losing the whole of my summer break to make up . I was in a foul temper that whole summer.

I was a pupil premium child and it affected me far beyond school. Nobody in my family or social circle had a professional job, and I had to work out all for myself how to behave in a corporate environment. I had no idea, no role models, nobody to ask for advice. I got a disciplinary in my first job that I wouldn't have got if I came from a different background.

I didn't fit in at the super-selective sixth form I got into, surrounded by people from rich families whose parents had degrees and could pay for private tutors and all of that. My confidence slipped, I got a B grade in chemistry. I didn't do extra-curricular activities like all the others because I had a weekend job to give keep money to my single mother. I didn't get into med school and my dream ended.

If you think being from a poor family doesn't affect you decades again, be thankful for your privilege and shut up.