I just got bad feedback - help me feel better?

[sadannie]

Not an AIBU but posting for traffic (sorry) - also NC.

I moved into a consulting job in September. The company is very tough with its hiring and mainly hires privately educated Oxbridge grads. I am a pupil premium BAME, one of the only women in the department, but qualified in the profession at another huge firm. I was brought in as experienced hire.

The field is entirely different to what I'm used to, however they know this as they specifically hire from my firm in my department for our different skills. I went through a rigorous process to get the job and I really enjoy it. Although, I often feel like an intruder and have very little confidence in my ability.

I worked on a project which was thoroughly challenging but we got it done well. I just had my feedback session and he said how I'm excellent in many ways but then commented on my improvements. The thing I need to improve is the knowledge gap between the two jobs... the same as every other experienced hire. However, he is taking the feedback form very literally where others wouldn't and is going to give me a rating that sounds fair but will stop me getting promoted (you get promoted every year and it's a shock if you don't, usually the person will leave) - he has said he doesn't want it to stop me getting promoted and will add a comment to say it shouldn't. I've argued that it would make more sense to give me the rating that ensures I do still get promoted but to put a comment that says I have XYZ to work on. He won't do that.

I'm very upset. I have excellent feedback in other projects but it doesn't really matter when considering this... I have GAD and OCD and will obsess over this and it is a further blow to my already dwindling confidence.


Does any one have any advice?

[AnnaBanana333]

I was a pupil premium child and it affected me far beyond school. Nobody in my family or social circle had a professional job, and I had to work out all for myself how to behave in a corporate environment. I had no idea, no role models, nobody to ask for advice. I got a disciplinary in my first job that I wouldn't have got if I came from a different background.

I didn't fit in at the super-selective sixth form I got into, surrounded by people from rich families whose parents had degrees and could pay for private tutors and all of that. My confidence slipped, I got a B grade in chemistry. I didn't do extra-curricular activities like all the others because I had a weekend job to give keep money to my single mother. I didn't get into med school and my dream ended.

If you think being from a poor family doesn't affect you decades again, be thankful for your privilege and shut up.

[Theladyofshalot]

I had something a tiny bit similar 20 years ago (hold a grudge, moi?) and it still rankles.

The score was based on the trainee being the best the 'trainee' could be - as an unqualified individual only part way through training. 10 out of 10 scoring

My onsite mentor felt 'the best a trainee could be' meant comparable in skills to a fully qualified individual (which would be a superhuman trainee to have that level of skill so therefore fully deserving of a 10 in his mind) So he scored me a 9 on all aspects, which he remarked was the highest he had ever scored a woman. He was quite proud of the fact that he never had given a 10 to anyone.

9, in this particular module was a fail.

The training facility refused to challenge him due to his seniority within the industry, he rarely had trainees and not normally for this module. To be fair his actual teaching skills were second to none he was a fantastic mentor - right up to the last day when the scoring was done.

So I had to be reallocated and to do the module again losing the whole of my summer break to make up . I was in a foul temper that whole summer.

[Hargao]

@rattusrattus20

I've got two semi-amusing ish diversity anecdotes from recent-ish personal experience.

Not long after the 'old school tie' Cameron/Osborne/Clegg/etc etc etc government got in, the big 4 company where I worked at the time started to worry about criticisms of elitism etc, so decided to take a pretty drastic step, namely ending the tradition of freely dishing out [failry ad hoc, i.e. not formally structured internships] work experience to the offspring of senior bods at blue-chip clients. But when said clients kicked off about this we decided to keep on taking the work experience kids but 'under the counter', i.e. without giving these kids their own computers, company email addresses, staff passes etc. Cue much frustration from secretaries obliged to lend out their staff passes and from IT support obliged to do whatever it was to enable these princelings to use their gleaming macbook laptops within the office.

c five years ago, working in a boutique environment, maybe not so dissimilar to OP's company, on a work awayday, a bunch of guys [then mostly late 20s/early 30s] drunk at the back of the hired coach, started getting rowdy & mildly abusive towards a colleague [male, muslim] who hadn't been drinking. when, after the event, he expressed a few mild concerns about this he earned himself the charming nickname 'diversity queen'.

It wasn't just worry about seeming elitist - it was worried about it being considered bribery. www.google.com/amp/s/www.forbes.com/sites/antoinegara/2016/11/17/jpmorgan-agrees-to-pay-264-million-fine-for-sons-and-daughters-hiring-program-in-china/amp/

[wasnotwasweregood]

Good luck to you @sadannie and congratulations on everything you've achieved so far in your career. I hope things go your way here.

[Brefugee]

As to what I did, when denied promotion when my colleague who did not meet the criteria strolled through, I sucked it up and worked twice as hard and met the criteria next time, because I don't want these ignoramuses to deny my career, or to deny me my salary increases.

Bollocks to this. I had to do this for several years (main breadwinner) as people with less experience and talent for the job were promoted over my head because "you have children you may vanish" when i had proved my commitment over 10 years of late nights, month ends until the wee small hours and weekends (with kids in tow) when needed.

The result? Getting to the age when i should have been earning thousands more per year and 2 grades higher. And doing the higher job anyway because i was bloody good at it. In the end i shamed them into paying me more than others at my grade (including men and they were bloody petrified the men might find out) and giving me a promotion shortly before i left so i could get a position at my next company which is roughly at the level i should be.

But my pension, in the end, will be smaller and my unemployment payments (not in UK) would have been smaller and i earned less just because of discrimination.

Question everything, but do it properly.

[purplepeopleeaters]

[quote Waffles80]@purplepeopleeaters you are making absolutely NO sense. Your argument is flawed.

Yes - some people might limit their expectations of someone who has experienced poverty.

You can’t apply that concept to the OP’s understanding of the struggles she has had and the doors that have either been closed in her face or been stubbornly hard to open because of the systemic class discrimination in this country.

I know what you said about your own family circumstances, thus my comment. Your experiences and your children’s experiences have no bearing on the OP’s.[/quote]
Clearly you are not understanding so I'll leave it at that.

[Waffles80]

@purplepeopleeaters you are making absolutely NO sense. Your argument is flawed.

Yes - some people might limit their expectations of someone who has experienced poverty.

You can’t apply that concept to the OP’s understanding of the struggles she has had and the doors that have either been closed in her face or been stubbornly hard to open because of the systemic class discrimination in this country.

I know what you said about your own family circumstances, thus my comment. Your experiences and your children’s experiences have no bearing on the OP’s.

[purplepeopleeaters]

@Waffles80

I’m not going to speak for the OP *@purplepeopleeaters* but unless you’ve grown up in significant poverty, had your poverty impact your every life choice, been denied the countless opportunities that come with the privilege of wealth and had to fight like crazy to get a foot in the door of an elite establishment because of your poverty then you really don’t have a clue.

The fact that the OP chose to use “PP” rather indicates a short-hand and quick reference to her early life experiences. It’s extremely pedantic and utterly petty to Lord it around saying the PP means money a school receives. Most people would understand what the OP meant and why it is relevant. You’ve chosen to nitpick in a manner I can only describe as snooty. Totally unsure why a person would do that, unless they were totally biased against people who’ve experienced poverty? Which is, frankly, weird.

Go on - tell us your kids were PP so you can’t possibly be bigoted against poor people. I know PP kids whose families manage, and I know PP kids who live - nay - exist in the kinds of degrading destitution that would make the overseer of a 19th Century workhouse hang their heads in shame.

(OP - I’m not saying that’s you, I’m saying that being in receipt of FSM can be a huge spectrum of poverty but the PP is being a bit of a twat about it).

I feel strongly that people should not make assumptions about people who have had their schools receive PP money for them, I have heard too often that people assume PP pupils cannot achieve because they are from a poor family and that being from a poor family means that the family are not supportive of education and don't encourage engagement in school and going to university. People are worth more than just the status of 'pupil premium' and they can and do rise above generic descriptions of themselves as 'pupil premium', I find it really annoying when a person chooses to define themselves as 'pupil premium' when they are so much more than that.

As for my own experiences, already mentioned up thread if you choose to look rather than ignore.

[Waffles80]

I’m not going to speak for the OP @purplepeopleeaters but unless you’ve grown up in significant poverty, had your poverty impact your every life choice, been denied the countless opportunities that come with the privilege of wealth and had to fight like crazy to get a foot in the door of an elite establishment because of your poverty then you really don’t have a clue.

The fact that the OP chose to use “PP” rather indicates a short-hand and quick reference to her early life experiences. It’s extremely pedantic and utterly petty to Lord it around saying the PP means money a school receives. Most people would understand what the OP meant and why it is relevant. You’ve chosen to nitpick in a manner I can only describe as snooty. Totally unsure why a person would do that, unless they were totally biased against people who’ve experienced poverty? Which is, frankly, weird.

Go on - tell us your kids were PP so you can’t possibly be bigoted against poor people. I know PP kids whose families manage, and I know PP kids who live - nay - exist in the kinds of degrading destitution that would make the overseer of a 19th Century workhouse hang their heads in shame.

(OP - I’m not saying that’s you, I’m saying that being in receipt of FSM can be a huge spectrum of poverty but the PP is being a bit of a twat about it).

[purplepeopleeaters]

[quote sadannie]@purplepeopleeaters yes it is important now - at university it was still important. Not having financial support during training is important... being in a culture you don't fit in is very important...[/quote]
Here the OP says it was important that she was a pupil premium person when she was at university, it's not - having received pupil premium doesn't mean you don't fit in to a culture; there are pupils from all walks of life at university from pupils on pupil premium to ones in receipt of a generous trust fund from their parents.

[purplepeopleeaters]

[quote Clymene]@purplepeopleeaters - the op isn't talking about university, she's talking about consulting culture which is a totally different thing.

OP I really feel for you.

You have been hired because you bring a different skillset and you've been penalised for not having the experience they knew you didn't have when they hired you. And I think unconscious bias is a huge issue. You're a woman, you're BAME and you come from the 'wrong' background. All those things will count against you in the consultancy world. And yet you've done really well, despite them.

I think you've been shafted and I would talk to your mentor and actually I think I would also talk to HR.

So many organisations pay lip service to diversity. They say they want a more diverse workforce, they hire the right people but they don't have the culture or the infrastructure to make sure those hires progress through the business. [/quote]
The OP stated that she struggled to fit in at university because of being a pupil premium person.

[purplepeopleeaters]

[quote Waffles80]@purplepeopleeaters you’re being really unreasonable, insensitive and ignorant.

You clearly have no clue whatsoever what it’s like to experience discrimination.[/quote]
I'm not discussing if the OP has been discriminated against, what I am discussing is the way she defines herself by the fact that her school were in receipt of the pupil premium for her when she was at school. Receiving pupil premium is not a personal characteristic and people shouldn't define themselves by it, it's a financial sum of money received by the school and not a personal attribute. Saying you can't fit in at university or at work because of something your school received a minimum of 5 years ago is ridiculous.

[Waffles80]

@rwalker having been deleted over your racist comments you’re now essentially trolling the OP; how about you aim to STFU if you’ve nothing constructive to say.

The feedback comments were accurate; the feedback numerical scores were not.

[sadannie]

@RuddyP anyone involved in this conversation is not married and does not have children, so for anyone to come across this it would mean that my personal information had been shared. Luckily everything I've said is truthful and factual. All it'd do is make them feel bad.

[rwalker]

You said feed back was accurate
All personal circumstances are irrelivant you just don't like what you've been told

[RuddyP]

@Thisisworsethananticpated No they won't until their wives spot it and direct them to it because posh white boy was moaning about her over dinner!

[Mummyoflittledragon]

That’s as good an outcome as you’ll get, I suppose. Hopefully you won’t be working with this guy anymore and can make up for lost ground.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

You need to get this taken down. You're mad if you think this isn't identifiable

If her firm is a bad as she says , none of the white posh uni boys will read it !

But fair comment actually

[ThickFast]

Wow @RNBrie that’s a big difference you made with your looking into all that. Sounds like they kind of weren’t up for it in the end though.

Let us know OP how you get on when your coach has spoken to manager.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

my coach is discussing with the manager first and then is going to discuss with me

Sounds sensible to me; after all, unlike all of us on here, the coach will know your work and hopefully they can thrash it out together

[RuddyP]

You need to get this taken down. You're mad if you think this isn't identifiable.

[rattusrattus20]

@googledontknow

it was hopefully obvious from my post that my use of that term was tongue in cheek/done in recognition of the colourblind class prejudices that exist in the UK and that [IMO] are more deeply entrenched and damaging than racial ones, though of course the two very often go hand-in-hand.

[rattusrattus20]

I've got two semi-amusing ish diversity anecdotes from recent-ish personal experience.

Not long after the 'old school tie' Cameron/Osborne/Clegg/etc etc etc government got in, the big 4 company where I worked at the time started to worry about criticisms of elitism etc, so decided to take a pretty drastic step, namely ending the tradition of freely dishing out [failry ad hoc, i.e. not formally structured internships] work experience to the offspring of senior bods at blue-chip clients. But when said clients kicked off about this we decided to keep on taking the work experience kids but 'under the counter', i.e. without giving these kids their own computers, company email addresses, staff passes etc. Cue much frustration from secretaries obliged to lend out their staff passes and from IT support obliged to do whatever it was to enable these princelings to use their gleaming macbook laptops within the office.

c five years ago, working in a boutique environment, maybe not so dissimilar to OP's company, on a work awayday, a bunch of guys [then mostly late 20s/early 30s] drunk at the back of the hired coach, started getting rowdy & mildly abusive towards a colleague [male, muslim] who hadn't been drinking. when, after the event, he expressed a few mild concerns about this he earned himself the charming nickname 'diversity queen'.

[googledontknow]

@rattusrattus20

I'd seriously doubt the ability of an ex free school meals pupil to find working at say McKinsey bearable. Boils down to the old 'airport test' thing, what could OP possibly have in common with 99% of consultants?

The BAME angle is larely irrelevant. Someone like Rishi Sunal ['BAME' but when it boils down to it from near enough the UK's most prosperous sub-community {background Indian via S/E Africa} and an alumnus of a £40k a year boarding school] would fit in perfectly well. 'White trash' from a Grimsby council estate, rather less so.

The specifics of the promotion issue are one for internal support networks rather than mumsnet.

'White Trash' is a horrible racist term.
I'm sure you are white rattus (just because most people on mn are) but you shouldn't you this phrase. Poor people aren't trash.

[googledontknow]

@Pluckedpencil

I worked in a different industry, but know the tactics well. My advice is to play the long game. Hold your head high, accept that this person sees you need some work, and work on it. They are not sacking you. Don't resign, ride it out and earn respect. Also, re-evaluate your life a bit right now. It's just work, these promotions are just more money. If you are in a position like this, you already have enough to live comfortably. Work solidly, creatively and with enjoyment and avoid politics. You have already gone a long, long way. The Oxbridge types are just as neurotic (more so) and insecure. Not quitting is true strength.

Totally agree with this.
You are not one of them, as a BAME woman from a poor background you are the opposite from them. All this posters wondering why stating your race and economic background is relevant aren't living in your world!

Hold your head up, keep working.

You might have to accept that you won't succeed in this industry the way you would if you were a white man privately educated.
But.....what do you want from life?
These white men clones might look like they have it easy (I was once married to one) but actually they are in one massive dick comparing competition their whole lives, my ex dh was miserable, but he didn't have the creativity or strength of character to get out of it and change his destiny.

Choose life, don't choose work.

Make sure you exploit them as much as they exploit you.