Spendthrift daughter

[Zizzagaaaaah]

My daughter is 16 and has her own debit card which she has had for a few years
at the beginning of the year, I told her that I would be giving her, £85 per month to buy clothes with
Out of this, she pays for her Netflix subscription £5.99- I pay for her phone

She has a love of Brandy Melville clothes, which although aren't wildly expensive - they are pricier than some for bog-standard t-shirt

She needs clothes for college and has so far since April has put in 6 separate orders with Brandy.
each time she has paid £3.50 shipping

Today the postman delivered a package from boots with some bio-oil and dove face wash
She paid £3.50 for the delivery (We have a Lloyds chemist less than 5 min walk and boots and Superdrug in our local small town) We also get a weekly shop from Tesco (the bio-oil is £2.50 cheaper)

She doesn't even think about using her student discount and then moans that she doesn't have enough to buy the things she wants.

I've spoken to her many times but it's falling on deaf ears

I know this is small stuff but it's really starting to annoy me that she doesn't seem to care that she can save money every time she shops, either by waiting and buying more each time (instead of buying a single t-shirt and paying £3.50 to have it delivered) or going to the local shops

Do I ignore it and quietly seethe as it's her money and hopefully when she starts having to earn it herself the penny might drop?

My teens have more money to spend than usual because of the lockdown. DD1 in particular is getting a lot of parcels delivered. I have no idea whether she's paying for postage.
Mine get less that your DD (£50 pm) but I also pay for basic clothes on top of that so I would say £85 including all clothes, lunches etc is not ridiculous if you can afford it.
I guess it's frustrating to see that money 'wasted' but that is part of learning to manage her own money - she gets to decide what to spend it on, and once it has gone, it's gone. Provided you're not topping up when she runs out I don't see the problem. She will learn to make different choices if she wants to make her money last longer. If she moans about having no money or asks for your help then I would encourage her to look at what she spends and where she could make different decisions, but otherwise I would let her get on with it.

If some of the money is allocated towards lunches that she's not having to buy, you could reclaim some of that if you really wanted to reduce the amount she has available just now, then increase it once school goes back properly.

Whether £85 is a too much or not enough is not what the OP asked. Whether the dd should or could get a job is also not what the OP asked.

She asks if she should ignore her dd not using a student discount and being wasteful with postage.

@Zizzagaaaaah you can only ever learn to budget when money is limited. If the wallet is bottomless then there is no incentive to save on a few pounds postage or 10% discount. If instead at the end of the month your dd has to choose between spotify and a friend's birthday present then slowly that penny will drop.

I'd sit her down with a spreadsheet for a couple of months and make her log her spending. Separate out the postage costs etc so she can see for herself where the money's going and then you can discuss more reasonably whether she really needed that third separate order of face cream or whatever.

If it was me I would make passive aggressive comments about if only there was a way to pay 10% less on all the things she wants. Probably not MN approved parenting though.

I remember being 16. I’d be SO annoyed I would I cut of my nose to spite my face and continue, contrary little shite that I was!

@Zizzagaaaaah I would add up all the delivery charges, source all the stuff using topcashback (or similar) and student discount and present it to her as a “look if you’re a bit more careful you could have bought another £40 top” type thing. Then I’d bite my tongue and leave her to it.

Yes it would take loads of time, but it would be annoying me that much I’d do it!

@chubbyhotchoc

£85 a month? That's tons. She's spoilt. I'd drop it to £50 and see how she gets on.

What planet do you live on?

How can you say that £85 is too much? We don't know how much her lunches and bus are. She might get the bus once a month to the shopping centre or might be going daily to school (in normal times) .

@netflixismysidehustle

How can you say that £85 is too much? We don't know how much her lunches and bus are. She might get the bus once a month to the shopping centre or might be going daily to school (in normal times) .

Tbf, op said £85 per month to buy clothes with. Out of this, she pays for her Netflix subscription £5.99- I pay for her phone

I have a 16 year old daughter who also buys most of her tops from Brandy Melville but they fit her well and wash very well compared to other makes, we also stock up whilst in London for her hospital appointments.
My dd is good with looking for discounts and not spending as much on postage but i know a few times she ordered things in single deliveries when she first got a debit card
I think if you add up postage and say what she could have saved maybe she will in time become more careful, IMO it is a teen right of passage to adulthood

I think it's too much money in order for there to be any incentive to look for bargains or to save on postage.

I had no pocket money at 16 - I had food and board and school uniform and shoes paid for but that was it. I worked and saved money from g-parents to buy casual clothes that I liked. My youngest sister had everything bought for her eg trendy clothes and stacks of pcoket money (big age gap and different circumstances for my parents).

Fast forward 30 years, I was motivated to chose a high paying and rewarding career - in order to be able to keep buying nice things! - and am comfortably off and my sister aged 35 is still relying on my parents for paying for extras and struggles with budgeting.

I don't see how reducing the monthly amount is going to improve things, for those PPs who have suggested that. It's just punitive and I think would cause reasonable resentment in the DD. Personally I don't think the amount is outrageous given what it has to cover.

Op your AIBU is about ignoring it and quietly seething. I'd say yes to ignoring it, but don't bother with the seething. You've already tried to talk to her about it and she hasn't listened. That of course depends on what you've said and how you've said it. It may be that there's a better way to say it.

Make like Elsa and let it go. You give her the money, the rest is on her. You could if you wish practise a sympathetic 'oh, that's a shame' for the next time she's saying she has no money left. We all have our own individual attitudes to money and she has hers. As long as you don't give her any extra, she'll work it out for herself.

My daughter is 16 - I give her £20 per month and she works every Saturday to earn her own money. She orders what she wants online and I don't get involved - she always shops around to get a good deal. Once your DD realises how long you have to work to earn £85 (in my case a day) she might worry a bit more about delivery costs!!!

@roxfox the op originally said it was for clothes and Netflix. £79 for clothes every month at 16 is a lot especially if she's previously had uniform or is in sixth form with unfit.

Mine DC had that amount some years ago I still paid uniform/school stuff and basic phone contract. With one of them there was a learning curve at how things mount up ie £3.50 in Starbucks isn’t tons but 20 coffees later....I went through one bank statement and we saw how the total had been spent and a comment was made about amazing it was at how the cost had mounted up I said nothing !

It worked for me as in return I expected help around the house and the threat of allowance being docked if I didn’t get it was a motivator. Also we all knew where we stood and actually I probably paid out less than some people who constantly give little hand outs. Now in their twenties they both manage money extremely well I’ve no idea if that was from having an allowance- probably not.

I would say it’s up to your DD if she wants to spend money on postage don’t micromanage it

Dd who isn’t much older used to get £70 but that was for everything apart from her phone. (If she broke it then it cost £60 for a new one)
Out of that she would get herself to and from school or anywhere on the tube or bus. To work and back + her lunches whilst at work and any extra food she had whilst out and outside of school uniform and ECA uniforms, all her clothing, shoes and make up.
Supermarket own shampoo, conditioner and body wash are available in the bathroom but if she wanted her own then she paid for that as well.

Ds had similar till he left college

Dd had been getting that money each month up until she was 16 when she started work properly.

As long as they know everything has to come out of that and if they borrow money to get to school then I would take it out of the next months money. It seemed to work.

Dd became very good at selling clothing through eBay when she had finished with the stuff

@Zizzagaaaaah Haven't RTFT, but at 16 ours had £10 a week paid by standing order straight into their bank accounts. That had to cover everything that wasn't to do with school - so going out money (at 16 where exactly are they going anyway other than shopping and the occasional coffee/cinema/birthday pizza trip?) any 'special' clothes they wanted (although we'd help out with day-to-day essential clothes, and obviously clothes for school) and presents for friend's birthdays etc.

Spotify and Netflix - actually, you're all wasting money with her having a single account. We get 4 Netflix accounts on the top package (not sure how much it is now, but it was £9.99 when we set it up a couple of years ago) and we pay that because we use it too. Spotify you can get 6 accounts for (I think) £14.99 - again much better value than a single account, and you can all use it (I love their podcasts).

But £85 a month? That's excessive. Sometimes I used to think we were 'mean' parents only giving £10 a month (this is about 4 years ago, but prices haven't gone up that much) but actually it seems to be about right for a mid-teenager. It's a life lesson to cope with what you're given, not what you think you can spend with no strings.

Have to say that now, in their early 20s, mine are good with money. They got through uni without too much debt, and now have jobs. They pay 10% of their salary to us in rent as they live at home, but they also contribute to family extras, such as take aways, and extra shopping.

Giving them more money seems like a nice thing to do, but isn't actually very helpful if we're to help them realise the value of it long-term.

Whether £85 is a too much or not enough is not what the OP asked. Whether the dd should or could get a job is also not what the OP asked
But the amount of money given is relevant to her daughter not knowing the value money, which is part of the problem when she is content to fritter away money.

£85 a month for clothes is a ridiculous amount of money.

No teenager needs almost £100 of clothes a month unless they're obsessed with image and always having new things.

My 16 yr old gets £20 pm, her phone paid, basic toiletries etc. If she wants more she gets a job which she is currently trying to do.

Oh and we buy her clothes each season to a point(about £100)

I think as long as she sticks to the £85 amount a month it's up to get if she wants to spend it on postage. she may think she'll spend more walking around town and end up buying millies cookies, not chocolate and other stuff she doesn't need (that's what I do).

@LolaSmiles

Whether £85 is a too much or not enough is not what the OP asked. Whether the dd should or could get a job is also not what the OP asked But the amount of money given is relevant to her daughter not knowing the value money, which is part of the problem when she is content to fritter away money.

£85 a month for clothes is a ridiculous amount of money.

No teenager needs almost £100 of clothes a month unless they're obsessed with image and always having new things.

The OP has explained several times that it’s not just for clothes

Spotify and Netflix - actually, you're all wasting money with her having a single account. We get 4 Netflix accounts on the top package (not sure how much it is now, but it was £9.99 when we set it up a couple of years ago) and we pay that because we use it too. Spotify you can get 6 accounts for (I think) £14.99 - again much better value than a single account, and you can all use it (I love their podcasts).

How is it wasting money if only the DD uses it?

For those who clearly missed it, the OP clarified:

I'm sorry I should have said at the beginning - the £85 covers everything Bus, Socialising, ALL Clothes, toiletries, She buys lunch with it as well

She also has to buy birthday / xmas gifts out of it

Nobody needs new clothes every month. She's wasteful with the money because it means nothing to her; easy come, easy go.

@CantSleepClownsWillEatMe

For those who clearly missed it, the OP clarified:

I'm sorry I should have said at the beginning - the £85 covers everything Bus, Socialising, ALL Clothes, toiletries, She buys lunch with it as well

She also has to buy birthday / xmas gifts out of it

That was a drip feed, obviously.
I wonder why the original post says I told her that I would be giving her, £85 per month to buy clothes with. Out of this, she pays for her Netflix subscription £5.99- I pay for her phone This is what posters are responding to . 🤷🏻‍♀️

For those who clearly missed it, the OP clarified:

she did, but you know, "cancel the cheque" and all that...
Posters don't real care about facts when they just want to pop up with their opinion!

She’s got too much money to play with so doesn’t value it.

Ii suspect if she had to earn that money she would be stricter with how she spends it because she would feel she’d worked (hard)