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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Spendthrift daughter

481 replies

Zizzagaaaaah · 01/07/2020 12:13

My daughter is 16 and has her own debit card which she has had for a few years
at the beginning of the year, I told her that I would be giving her, £85 per month to buy clothes with
Out of this, she pays for her Netflix subscription £5.99- I pay for her phone

She has a love of Brandy Melville clothes, which although aren't wildly expensive - they are pricier than some for bog-standard t-shirt

She needs clothes for college and has so far since April has put in 6 separate orders with Brandy.
each time she has paid £3.50 shipping

Today the postman delivered a package from boots with some bio-oil and dove face wash
She paid £3.50 for the delivery (We have a Lloyds chemist less than 5 min walk and boots and Superdrug in our local small town) We also get a weekly shop from Tesco (the bio-oil is £2.50 cheaper)

She doesn't even think about using her student discount and then moans that she doesn't have enough to buy the things she wants.

I've spoken to her many times but it's falling on deaf ears

I know this is small stuff but it's really starting to annoy me that she doesn't seem to care that she can save money every time she shops, either by waiting and buying more each time (instead of buying a single t-shirt and paying £3.50 to have it delivered) or going to the local shops

Do I ignore it and quietly seethe as it's her money and hopefully when she starts having to earn it herself the penny might drop?

OP posts:
Smallsteps88 · 01/07/2020 13:32

Btw I agree with others. She doesn’t value it because it comes to her for free. “Easy come, easy go”. The only way she will learn the value is to earn it herself. Unfortunately it just got a million times harder for 16 year olds to find work.

Cacacoisfarraige · 01/07/2020 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whoknowswhocares · 01/07/2020 13:34

@Sexnotgender

11 jobs a month. Not week.

And if she continues not doing it the fines are cumulative. 25p on the first day, 50p on second day etc until it’s done.

Sound a pretty good system. Thanks for clarifying
JaniceWebster · 01/07/2020 13:35

I love how no one on MN ever seems to give pocket money to their children and how shocking that concept can be.

Since when having an allowance prevents anyone from also having a job? And some of us insist more on high grades, and achievements to help your CV than a job for the sake of it.

Let us know what kind of job your 16 year old managed to have during the lockdown please!

Anyway, OP, I would add it all up and tell her that you might be giving her too much if she can afford to waste so much? Whilst you could use that money. Plus things like driving lessons, car insurance, holidays, night out, don't pay for themselves...At 16, she is old enough to realise that she is going to want and need a lot more very soon.

JaniceWebster · 01/07/2020 13:36

Dd has been saving since she was 12 for a motorbike, and barely spends anything, she actively chooses to do 'free' things like park meets etc and balks at the cost of a hot chocolate in Costa.

A life of ruinous debt is going to be no fun whatsoever.

I am sure there's a happy medium to be found somewhere!

Zhampagne · 01/07/2020 13:37

£85 / month is a lot IMHO. Perhaps drop it to £50 and consider giving her a bonus for budgeting, or matching her savings up to a certain amount?

fassbendersmistress · 01/07/2020 13:39

If it was just about the economics I’d leave her to learn the hard way, having done your best to advise.

However, there is also the environment impact to consider - all that packaging and pollution associated with each delivery. I’d be firm and set a household policy where you all commit to minimising waste and reducing pollution and include online orders as one area you can all improve on. She is part of the generation that can hopefully make a huge difference so help her understand how her actions (walking to the local shop and bringing her own bag!) can have a really positive impact. She’ll hopefully also feel the economic benefit in time.

justasking111 · 01/07/2020 13:40

Think I am a dinosaur 18 year old home from uni. cannot work restaurant still closed, I still give him cash to spend when he wants something if he needs credit buying online he gives me the cash and I credit his bank. In normal times he would now be working and earning well, but we are not in normal times.

Beautiful3 · 01/07/2020 13:41

She obviously gets too much. I would drop this down to £50.

StarUtopia · 01/07/2020 13:42

£85 a month is a ridiculous amount. Christ most adults don't have that a month to just fritter on crap.

Drop it to £40. She'll learn.

You're not her any favours right now.

Cacacoisfarraige · 01/07/2020 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 01/07/2020 13:43

£85 a month to spend on clothes!! No wonder she doesn't give a shit how much she wastes on delivery charges and overpriced tat. If you want to teach her to budget and value the £ you are just chucking at her, reduce the allowance or better still make her earn it.

peanutsandpinenuts · 01/07/2020 13:43

I feel you have to learn the hard way when it comes to money. At 16 she probably thinks she knows everything (I did, ha!) and will resent her mum telling her (even though you are right!). If you've already said it, don't say it again unless she brings it up. Its her money.

BUT don't give her more if she runs out.

vanillandhoney · 01/07/2020 13:46

I don't think you can give her free money each month and then complain about how it's spent.

In normal times I would say she needs to get a job but that's obviously not really an option right now! How much does she do around the house? Could you link that to her pocket money perhaps? So she gets x amount basic (that she gets regardless) and then she has the opportunity to earn a maximum of y by doing jobs.

Eckhart · 01/07/2020 13:46

What happens when she runs out, @Zizzagaaaaah? Do you sub her, or does she have to go without until next month?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/07/2020 13:46

At 16 she is old enough to have a job. It is only when she has earns her own money that she will understand its value.
Tell her the pocket money stops in September. It’s time to find a job and learn some responsibility. Then put the £85 into a savings account for her.

JaniceWebster · 01/07/2020 13:49

£85 a month is a ridiculous amount.

why? It's all relative.

If the OP is struggling to buy food, then yes clearly it's too much.
If the family can afford it, what's the problem? What difference does it make with giving x amount a month or taking your kid yourself and paying £100s?

I guarantee you that whoever shops for Princess Charlotte is already spending a lot more than £85 a month on clothes, and she is not the only one.

Wasting money on postage is a childish mistake, spending money on something your parents wouldn't... not the same.

Everything1sFine · 01/07/2020 13:49

Your method is not working so instead could you give her a lump sum at the start of the ‘season’ when she needs to buy clothes? Summer and winter. Perhaps it’s the constant stream of money that is making it hard to manage.

My 16 year old has a job in a takeaway on Friday and Saturday nights.

vanillandhoney · 01/07/2020 13:50

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

At 16 she is old enough to have a job. It is only when she has earns her own money that she will understand its value. Tell her the pocket money stops in September. It’s time to find a job and learn some responsibility. Then put the £85 into a savings account for her.
Do you honestly think that's fair when we're in the middle of a global pandemic and people are being made redundant left, right and centre?
Somethingkindaoooo · 01/07/2020 13:53

In answer to your question....

Perhaps get her to add up all the 3.50's

I'd let her get on with it though. Don't bail her out.
Surely the point of giving her cash is so she can learn to budget?
Let her learn then 🙂

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 01/07/2020 13:55

Yes I do! If shops and restaurants are open by then I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her to earn her own money.

Mmmmycorona · 01/07/2020 13:56

She’s 16. Maybe she could get a job and pay for her extravagant ways herself.
£85 is far too much to be handed to a 16 year old on a plate.

dottiedodah · 01/07/2020 13:59

I dont think thats too bad TBH. Am I right that amount is similar to CB? My DD is the same really .Everything is on line at the touch of a button! Let her buy what she wants ,but dont give her extra cash or "lend" it either ! She will come to realise that she will save money by shopping locally ,if not up to her!

blue25 · 01/07/2020 14:00

Where’s her motivation to go and get a part time job if you’re giving her £80 a month. Agree that she’s spoilt. You’re storing up problems for the future I’m afraid.

vanillandhoney · 01/07/2020 14:00

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Yes I do! If shops and restaurants are open by then I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect her to earn her own money.
Blimey, I'm glad you're not my parent.

Around here, every single hospitality business has laid people off. I highly doubt things will have miraculously turned around by September - look at Leicester, back in lockdown already. They won't be the last place to be forced to shut their shops again.

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