Spendthrift daughter

[Zizzagaaaaah]

My daughter is 16 and has her own debit card which she has had for a few years
at the beginning of the year, I told her that I would be giving her, £85 per month to buy clothes with
Out of this, she pays for her Netflix subscription £5.99- I pay for her phone

She has a love of Brandy Melville clothes, which although aren't wildly expensive - they are pricier than some for bog-standard t-shirt

She needs clothes for college and has so far since April has put in 6 separate orders with Brandy.
each time she has paid £3.50 shipping

Today the postman delivered a package from boots with some bio-oil and dove face wash
She paid £3.50 for the delivery (We have a Lloyds chemist less than 5 min walk and boots and Superdrug in our local small town) We also get a weekly shop from Tesco (the bio-oil is £2.50 cheaper)

She doesn't even think about using her student discount and then moans that she doesn't have enough to buy the things she wants.

I've spoken to her many times but it's falling on deaf ears

I know this is small stuff but it's really starting to annoy me that she doesn't seem to care that she can save money every time she shops, either by waiting and buying more each time (instead of buying a single t-shirt and paying £3.50 to have it delivered) or going to the local shops

Do I ignore it and quietly seethe as it's her money and hopefully when she starts having to earn it herself the penny might drop?

[rosiejaune]

YABU for encouraging her to be a spendthrift by giving her that much money for clothes every month. Clothes should be secondhand or ethically made, and bought mostly for need, not fashion.

I don't spend that much on clothes in a year, on average, and mine are GOTS organic cotton.

[Alsohuman]

That’s the worst counter argument I think I’ve ever come across on here

You must have joined in the last five minutes then.

[Jenasaurus]

My parents did similar, they gave me the child benefit each month to spend on clothes etc and I was a little like your DD I am afraid (going back a few years - I am 55) but as soon as I got a Saturday job and earnt for myself I realised the value of money and reigned my spending in Why not get her to sort herself a weekend job if she can, that way if she wants more money she has to earn it, she will change her spending, I am sure.

[corythatwas]

rosiejaune, you may have cross-posted there with the OP explaining that her dd also has to use the same money to for bus money and lunch and toiletries and all socialising and presents for family

not sure a second-hand lunch is such a good idea

also, in what world does organic cotton- however worthy- represent a saving?

[lyralalala]

I would tally it all up with her - delivery costs and the not using student discount - once. To show her what she could save. Point out what she could buy with what she saved

I did similar with my two teen girls. One listened, the other didn't. The one that didn't is starting to get it now because her sister makes money go much further

[Viviennemary]

It doesn't mean anything to her because it is handed on a plate. Reduce the amount by half.

[Everything1sFine]

Either the shops and restaurants and schools are shut and she doesn’t need £85 a month for clothes and socialising or they are open and she can get a job to contribute to her clothes and socialising budget.

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

I think as long as you’re not topping her up when she runs out of money, you should leave her to it. The point of giving her a monthly allowance and debit card is (I presume) to give her some age appropriate independence and autonomy and it’s an acknowledgment that she’s not a child. I plan to do the same as you when mine are teens.

When she’s complaining because there’s too much month at the end of the money, just point out that it can’t be spent twice and suggest it might be worth her while looking back through her last months purchases and considering where she could save or get better value. There’s no point listing off what you think she didn’t need to spend as that will just make her defensive.

[missmoz]

Competitive frugality on mumsnet again...

I don't think £85 is actually an obscene allowance if she has to cover most of her own costs and is helpful around the house.

Instead of cutting her allowance or getting cross why not up her responsibility. She has to cover haircuts, new shoes, transport, friends birthday presents etc...

Maybe help her open a monzo account so she can start saving a bit easier (monzo can round up every purchase to the nearest pound and save the difference)

Also maybe explain it's her money, but 4 x £3.50 is enough to by a pizza with her friends and you won't be subbing her if she's ever short. I can get why in lockdown this isn't a priority.

[missmoz]

Ah sorry you've explained it does, cross post there

[EveleftEden]

Zigga the best thing for young teenagers is for them to get a job. Dd1 (now 24) has never been out of employment since she was 15. She now works in her dream job in Dubai. Earning her own money at this age will really show her the value of the pound.

[BeautifulCrazy]

I wouldn’t listen to all the posters saying it’s too much, even more so now you’ve posted about it having to cover other things too.

But if your daughter is moaning about not having enough money then I would sit with her and go through the money she’s spent that she could have saved by ordering things together to save on postage, looking to see if things are cheaper in other shops etc. My kids would listen to that, hopefully your daughter will too. If she doesn’t then I’d just tell her to stop moaning and leave her to it. She’ll learn eventually.

[flirtygirl]

I think £85 is too much and would also drop it to £50.

Id also talk to her again about how much more she would have if walked to shops or got products from cheapest place. Then I'd leave her to it. If she then had no money then she would have to learn the hard way.

[Notnownotneverever]

£85 a month.....for doing nothing. Wow.

[LittleGwyneth]

@pigeon999

Wow it is a fortune per month, no wonder she has no respect for money.
My dd (15) has 10.00 per week and two shopping trips (paid for) per year for clothes and shoes. I pay for toiletries etc, so really this is just to go out for a milkshake with friends. We also give her a small allowance of 50.00 a term for stationary. All books are paid for.

What on earth does she spend it all on?

I think you are encouraging an unhealthy shopping habit, and addiction to on line shopping. Teaching teens the value of money is essential in my view.

I feel like that would add up to about the same as £85 a month?

OP - I think £85 sounds very reasonable. A decent pair of jeans is £40, and a pizza at Franco Manca is £10. She's basically got a budget of £22 a week, which let's face it, none of us would want to live off.

I think you just need to not give her any more cash, and when she complains tell her to work out how much she would have saved on shipping. Plus maybe mention that environmentally / in terms of plastic it would also be better to get fewer things delivered.

In the same token, I've been shopping like a demon in lockdown (I reckon I've spent about £500 in Zara since Feb, oops). She's presumably not getting to do anything fun with her friends etc because of the rules, so maybe this is just her trying to find a bit of enjoyment while everything else is on hiatus. It's a tough time to be 16.

[Alsohuman]

@poupeediop

You can, however, not encourage them to do so and point out how many people with families have lost jobs in the industries likely to employ a 16 year old

Most 16 yr old would have weekend or evening jobs so who are these 16 yr old taking jobs from? What about adults who have 2 jobs? What about someone who does public & private work? When is a 16 yr old "allowed" to get a job?

You have heard about all the upcoming job losses, no?

[BeautifulCrazy]

Competitive frugality on mumsnet again...

[Cramitmaam]

I've read the update where you say that £85 covers everything and I still think it's an awful lot for a 16yo! And you pay her phone separately?

If she was learning to save and squirrelling that money away then I would say to keep giving it to her, but as she's peeing it all up the wall and not even bothering to use her student discount it sounds like you need to make some changes.

You don't want her to get into a big mess financially as soon as she moves out. She needs to start learning these things now.

[justforthecake]

Wow can you adopt me please Op
I'd love to have £85 a month to spend on me.

[BeautifulCrazy]

£85 a month.....for doing nothing. Wow.

🙄 As a parent it’s kind of your responsibility to clothe, feed and pay for your child. It’s up to OP how much money she gives her child directly.

[poupeediop]

You have heard about all the upcoming job losses, no?

No you misunderstand, I don't know what connection there is between the current & future job losses & families not being able to eat & a 16 yr old trying to get a job.

[CantSleepClownsWillEatMe]

It’s not a fortune ! Bloody hell, some of you need to pull the stick out of your backsides. The outrage that a 16 year old has essentially 20 quid a week is ridiculous.

Given OPs update ie that it’s to cover all clothes, bus fares, toiletries, gifts and socialising, I suspect there are plenty of MNers spending far more on their teen dc once they tot it up. If you can’t afford it then you just can’t but in all honesty I don’t think OPs dd is doing that well out of this set up.

[chubbyhotchoc]

It's a lot at the moment as she hasn't had to travel or socialise. It's different when they're at college and need bus fare and lunch etc.

[Alsohuman]

@poupeediop

You have heard about all the upcoming job losses, no?

No you misunderstand, I don't know what connection there is between the current & future job losses & families not being able to eat & a 16 yr old trying to get a job.

I don’t misunderstand. You do. I shouldn’t have to explain this but since it seems I do ...

A lot of women do those weekend and evening jobs so they don’t have to pay for childcare. There are going to be far fewer of those jobs in hospitality and retail for the foreseeable future. As a result many women, who depend on that income as part of their family budget, will lose their job. When there are limited employment opportunities, those jobs should be taken by people who actually need the money, not 16 year olds for pocket money.