Page 8 | No baby gifts from my parents

Peridotty · 2020-06-29T22:30:23+00:00

How would you feel if you didn’t receive any baby gifts from your parents? No card or gifts. We haven’t seen my parents yet with our 4 week old. We also didn’t receive any wedding gifts from them either. On the other hand, my husbands family has been v generous. They haven’t been able to visit us, but have given collectively £4000 to put in the baby’s bank account. Also cards from his side of the family. I feel a bit awkward that my husbands family gives us so much (and they gave us loads for our wedding too-£15,000) whereas mine doesn’t give us anything. Should I ask for a card? Is that being grabby. Thanks !

Saltyslug · 23/05/2021 05:36

Let it go, it’s pointless getting upset about this

Saltyslug · 23/05/2021 05:38

By the 4th child there’s not even a congratulations text

CoalTit · 23/05/2021 05:48

I hope you have stopped giving so much time and effort to your father in the vain hope that he'll change for the better, OP. That sounds like a great relationship for him and a terrible one for you. All you wanted was a card, and even that was too much to expect from him or your mother!
It sounds as if you've turned out well and done well in life, though, so congratulations.

Sleepplease1111 · 23/05/2021 06:09

OP in the nicest way it sounds like you need therapy to move on from your childhood, there’s going to be no fuss cards or presents made of your baby on their birthday from your parents, focus on the people that bring positivity into your life.

I’m so sorry you had a very difficult childhood but you sound like you are doing well for yourself now.

CutieBear · 23/05/2021 06:17

I’ve just read all your posts and this is so so sad. Why did your parents have DC if they truly despise them? I thought it was awful that they didn’t even send baby clothes or a teddy... but they never acknowledged your birthday growing up. I would go No Contact and stop trying. They will never change. Protect your DC from your toxic self-centred parents.

drpet49 · 23/05/2021 06:17

Your parents don’t care. I wouldn’t bother with them OP. Your in laws are so much better.

Confusedandshaken · 23/05/2021 06:43

Cards and gifts aren't important. My inlaws never sent cards or gifts for Christmas, Birthdays, weddings, deaths or births. The only cards my D.C. ever got from them were for their First Holy Communions. Not to us, any of the other D.C. or family members. I think it was they grew up in very large families (each had over 10 siblings) in rural poverty when there wasn't money for luxuries like that that so it wasn't a habit that they acquired. If anyone minded they didn't say anything in my hearing. They didn't kiss or hug either. However they were loving and supportive in many other ways and were much loved themselves.

My mum OTOH sends cards at the drop of a hat. Birthday, Christmas, Hanukkah, Easter, Chinese New Year, Halloween, Thank You, Miss You and any other reason she can think of, often with a cheque in them. She quite often posts 5 or 6 a day She is also cold, narcissistic and controlling. Giving cards and money makes her feel good about herself and allows her to judge other people who don't do as much.

Looubylou · 23/05/2021 06:44

Have an honest conversation with your husband and agree no expectations of your parents and therefore no future embarrassment for you. Stop making all the effort. Stop being your dad's admin. Concentrate on your own life. My heart goes out to the child you were. You sound like a lovely mum despite your own experiences. 💐

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 23/05/2021 06:58

Anyway, it’s her first birthday party soon and I’m slightly worried that there’s going to be no presents or cards for her again!!

There won’t be. You know there won’t be. You could address it directly (‘were you thinking of getting DD anything for her birthday?’ -
MN will clutch its pearls and think this frightfully gauche but you are way past social niceties) but tbh I think the happiest way ahead for you is to get some help to process the fact that your parents are totally emotionally unavailable to you and will be likewise with your child. The upbringing and relationship that you describe is not normal. Sorry

MaMaD1990 · 23/05/2021 07:04

I haven't read the whole thread but have you spoken to your parents about how their behaviour makes you feel? Have you asked them why they don't bother and why they're so uninterested? I wouldn't be getting a card on their behalf, but at least have this conversation with them to give you the opportunity to tell them you'd like them to make more effort, but also give them the opportunity to change. If you keep making all the effort, you'll get nowhere - a very honest conversation is needed here. My gut tells me you think nothing would change, but you've at least given them the opportunity and if they don't, well I'd not be making much of an effort back. Life is too short to spend your time running around after people like this (even if they are your family). Focus on your baby and husband and make the best family you can, it sounds like your baby will have very close family even if that doesn't involve your side.

giletrouge · 23/05/2021 07:13

No major backstory except my dad probably has Aspergers and is only concerned with himself. Parents divorced now. Mum is quite tight with money as she has never had a lot of it. She has the capacity to make more money as she does have a few degrees but she says she doesn't want to work. She says she is quite lazy.
No major backstory?
No major backstory?
NO MAJOR BACKSTORY???

That IS a major backstory OP!

Congratulations on your baby OP. You sound like you know your family quite well, why you think they might change now is a bit of a mystery. I think it's sad they are not making more of a fuss in some shape or form but thank heavens you've got your husband's family to make up for it.

Mandalay246 · 23/05/2021 07:19

OP your parents, I'm afraid to say, do not sound at all normal. In fact they seem quite self absorbed. I feel for you, and can fully understand how disappointed you must feel, but it seems that you have lovely in-laws and I would concentrate on my relationship with them. I'm not saying that gifts etc. are so important that you should step back from your parents because they don't give them, but it sounds as though it goes much deeper than mere gifts and they don't seem particularly caring. I wouldn't even try to interact with them, it doesn't sound as though they are even interested, so just be happy with your own family and your in-laws.

SmednotaSmoo · 23/05/2021 07:20

I’m sorry OP. I think an ocean apart is exactly what you need from your parents. For whatever reason, they’re not interested in you or your baby.

You might find it useful to pay for professional help process this. It is not normal.

Luckily it sounds like your baby has one side of her extended family who are warm, loving and (and this isn’t the most important bit, but it is a bonus) generous.

If your family aren’t going to be interested now, they never will be. Nearly 1 year olds are a lovely age! Live your life wonderfully and cheerfully with your daughter, embrace the geographical distance, and you can break the next cycle.

(And on the earlier replies, I also received gifts from a huge range of people, some of whom I’d never met, for my first. Decidedly less for subsequent babies. It’s not unusual)

Wanderlust20 · 23/05/2021 07:29

I can sympathise OP, it's not just about lack of presents or cards, it's the lack of interest. My in laws are the same with me - I'm expecting our first baby soon and I just know what to expect. Doesn't make it hurt any less though!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/05/2021 07:34

Mystified by this. Even now 40 years later i Iike to look at my baby cards and keepsakes. Your mother especially whats with that? I got a card and a gift for my next door neighbours when they had a baby. Its something you do.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 23/05/2021 07:34

Not much you can do to change people like this, but then, its not really important is it?

I do understand about not feeling appreciated though. I've realised I've got issues with my parents over how they 'helped' us after DS was born.

When my golden child DBro had his first my parents went all out with presents etc, all we got was the knitwear my mum knitted for DBro kids but my SIL wasn't keen on and the promise if a nice gift of money into DS bank account. Funnily enough the money never materialised and its been almost 3 years!

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 23/05/2021 07:35

There are other issues toonot about presents, but lack of support and help too

AnotherEmma · 23/05/2021 07:39

I've read all your posts but not all the replies.

This stood out to me:
She hit us quite a bit, left us alone most of the time after school (I remember being 4 and having to look after my newborn sister while they went out at night), would not have dinner for us so we would eat cereal and then go to bed hungry.

Your mother was, and is, abusive and neglectful towards you. Your father sounds similar - perhaps a narcissist. It seems that you're in denial about this, which is why you maintain a relationship with them (to your cost) and why you still hope, despite all evidence to the contrary, for some "normal" loving behaviour from them. I'm sorry to say that it's never going to happen. They are never going to behave like normal, loving parents

My advice is to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and get some therapy. STOP doing favours for your father. Stop going out of your way to do anything for either of them. And above all, stop hoping for basic kindness from them. They are incapable of it. That's their fault, not yours.

It's very painful to accept that your parents toxic and bring nothing positive to your life. However, you are lucky to have a wonderful husband, in-laws and daughter. Try to focus on that. Do what makes you and your own little family happy.

AnotherEmma · 23/05/2021 07:52

@Marshmallow91

Just read your last update OP,

I would have walked out of the house with my baby if my mum had done that! What a horrid person she is, your little girl is one and of course she's going to be drop food around - my 2 year old still is pretty regularly.

Both of your parents don't DESERVE a grandchild, nor do they deserve a daughter who is killing herself trying to forge a relationship.

Stop.

Stop making excuses. Stop trying. Stop kidding yourself. They don't care, and it's obvious they never have. Stop calling, texting or expecting anything from those two people. When you get back home, delete their numbers and block, then get on with your life.

You have a wonderful partner, a beautiful little baby and two parents who love you. It doesn't matter if they're in laws. They are part of your family and part of your baby, forever. These are the things that matter.

Please protect your child from these people. Imagine the conversation you'd have with your child when she's older if you continue this -

"mum, that's a lovely card, who got me that?"
"that's from my mum and dad, sweetheart"
"why don't we ever visit them or hear from them?"
"because they don't care about me, or you darling, i actually had to buy that card because they value us so little. Now go play with your lego"

See how stupid that sounds?

Please spend your energy on people who deserve it. I hope you can move on from all of this and get rid of this baggage. Sending love from Scotland.

This. Your mum hit you when you were a child. She is now telling off your baby for dropping food and slapping her hand. You need to ask yourself why on earth you are letting this woman anywhere near your child.

WilyKitWilyKat · 23/05/2021 07:54

We got a card and gift, and they’ve bought stuff since. I didn’t expect this though, nice of them to do it but I wouldn’t have been bothered if they hadn’t. Up to them really.

We also said no gifts at our wedding, we were just happy for people to join us on the day and didn’t want it to be an expensive business for people. Everyone gave us gifts regardless!

AnotherEmma · 23/05/2021 07:56

As per usual for AIBU, the vast majority of posters are completely missing the point! It's not actually about the card and gift at all.

billy1966 · 23/05/2021 08:16

OP,

You sound lovely but you desperately need to speak to someone about your childhood.

Your parents are self absorbed people.
Neither nice, kind nor interested in you.

You had a highly dysfunctional childhood yet you are repeatedly shocked at them not behaving in a way that they have NEVER done.

They have never done cards or presents for you, not for your wedding so why would you be so shocked about your child?

You know who they are, not very nice people but are stuck in child mode in your head hoping they will be different.

You are allowing them to take your joy.
You need therapy to detach and accept them for who they are and move on with your life.

As for dragging your husband and child over to meet these awful people again?

Why?

Your parents are consistent in their behaviour, their awful behaviour.

Get help for yourself to accept them or you will be allowing these awful people the power to ruin your adult life after giving you a shit childhood.

They have shown you who they are their whole life, it's time for you to start believing and accepting this reality.
Expecting them to behave differently from whom they have always been is delusional and deeply unhealthy.

You need help to untangle this.

Luddite26 · 23/05/2021 08:29

If they left their own 4 year old to look after their newborn realistically what do you expect from them.

Peesonally after this visit i would distance myself from them and get on with my life.
Don't expect and you won't get disappointed. Parenting your parents from being a child builds up a lot of resentment. Let it go for your own sanity. I am NC with my mother it's actually easier for my sanity. I really haven't the headspace for her games, lies and manipulations.
You have the physical distance try some mental distance . If it isn't there you can try all your life to force it but they won't budge.
My friend all her life was desperate for her dad to say he loved her even on his death bed he smirked and refused to say it.
Don't waste your energy. Be a better parent yourself and have a more fulfilling life.
God the time i wasted trying to please my mother taking her shopping or to garden centres i should have been on the beach with my kids.
Yes parents can have MH problems or maybe undiagnosed on the autistic spectrum. So it depends how much one way support you want to give. NC is a self-preservation when your own MH is in need of your support! Parent issues don't go away.

AnotherEmma · 23/05/2021 08:47

@billy1966

OP,