No baby gifts from my parents

[Peridotty]

How would you feel if you didn’t receive any baby gifts from your parents? No card or gifts. We haven’t seen my parents yet with our 4 week old. We also didn’t receive any wedding gifts from them either.

On the other hand, my husbands family has been v generous. They haven’t been able to visit us, but have given collectively £4000 to put in the baby’s bank account. Also cards from his side of the family.

I feel a bit awkward that my husbands family gives us so much (and they gave us loads for our wedding too-£15,000) whereas mine doesn’t give us anything.

Should I ask for a card? Is that being grabby. Thanks !

I’m in the same situation. My PIL have given us so much (not just money, but they’ve spent time with my children, had us for dinner, helped out with childcare Etc etc) whereas my Mum couldn’t give a hoot. We went into isolation today as my son has suspected Covid, and my mum wouldn’t even bring me nappies (after she’s done the whole “let me know if I can do anything to help)

Some parents/grandparents are just not that interested, and I’ve learnt to stop bothering!

My MiL bought my twins 12 pairs of mittens - not scratch mittens but woollen winter ones (and not even very nice ones but cheap shop synthetic ones I’d not put on new babies); in August - they will, if I’m lucky, fit them when they’re about 3 going by the size - unless I manage to condemn them to the charity shop bag next time I fill one!! One of DH cousins sent us a box of lovely thoughtful gifts and an uncle & aunt sent a card, but that was it - and, he has 6 siblings as well as both parents. It was/is as if the babies don’t exist to his side of the family!!

Then again, we never get anything at Christmas/birthdays, not even a card, from most of his family despite buying cards/gifts from them. That soon stopped as, if they can’t be bothered with us, I’m not wasting time bothering with them!!

I don’t honestly remember. Certainly not a card. But I think cards are a very British thing, generally. And thatis a huge amount of money you’ve been given, so that’s not usual at all.

My parents were, however, over the moon with each grandchild and generous with their time and support.

I didn’t get anything from my parents. I didn’t really expect anything because they’re pretty rubbish at all that sort of thing. Are they normally good at recognising special events in your life?

Is there’s much point in asking them for a card? Would they send it? If they did, what would it mean to you after you had to ask them for it?

What's the story with them?

Very tight not to give you anything for wedding or baby?

Must be a backstory?

Congratulations.

Your husband's family are very generous and presumably quite wealthy.

Are your parents generous with themselves, show interest and are looking forward to seeing you and the baby?

We didnt get gifts from my parents either but got birthday presents from then on. Please dont compare how much your in laws gave with your parents

Sorry pressed post by mistake! It sounds like your in laws have loads of money or they're over spending, most people cant compete with th as t amt of money

@Timeforredwine and @WiseOwl69
We weren't a family who celebrated things with gifts or cards. I've never received a card or had a birthday party. My dad doesn't even remember my birthday. He lives in his own bubble. My mum thinks it is too much trouble and stress to buy gifts or cards for anyone.

@faithfulbird

We asked if my mum would come and help us with our newborn. She thought about it and after a month told us that she didn't want to come. She said she would feel like she was in the way and we would be looking after her rather than the other way around. My dad said he wouldn't be coming full stop. We live in the states and he is anti-American and said he wasn't gonna step foot in this country.

@jacks11

Im not equating care with money, but there is a big difference in the care from my in-laws compared to my parents :( not only in money but in terms of enthusiasm... my in-laws really wanted to come when baby was born and were disappointed when we told them not to due to coronavirus. They ask for photos and videos everyday. They want to FaceTime us. My FIL is writing a poem (he is a poet) dedicated to our baby.

My parents did not help us with the wedding. All they did was to turn up. I even picked and bought my mum's outfit otherwise she wouldn't know what to wear and wouldn't want to go shopping. I paid for their hotel, transport etc. They didn't get us a card or a gift for our wedding.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite

The PIL gave £1000, my husbands aunt gave £1000, brother £1000 and his uncle gave £1000. wasnt all from my PIL. I think they want us to invest the money into a baby's trust fund.

@ProseccoBubbleFantasies

Yes I wanted to ask for a card because I wanted it as a keepsake for my baby. I know we would love to look back at these cards in the future.

@afterschoolworry
No major backstory except my dad probably has Aspergers and is only concerned with himself. Parents divorced now. Mum is quite tight with money as she has never had a lot of it. She has the capacity to make more money as she does have a few degrees but she says she doesnt want to work. She says she is quite lazy.

@MayLeaveADentInYourSofa
@stayathomer
@Yester

yes they are probably rich but also v generous. In addition to the £1000 so far for our baby, £15k for our wedding, they also paid for my grad school in the US at the cost of $200,000 (which is pretty crazy every time I think about it)
I am probably the least materialistic person ever. I just wanted a card or congratulations from my parents (never happened) or an expression that they wanted to visit us. My dad is just not interested in his granddaughter. My mum likes our videos and photos but said she didn't want to visit us.

if you've never received cards or gifts for birthdays etc, its not really surprising - I guess the contrast with your partners is exacerbating the differences and how you feel about it - but you're not likely to change them now.
I guess your child will grow up with these differences; just try not to compare the two families, or raise expectations.

Op I get you. My dad, who I didn't meet until I was in my twenties, who professes to think about me every day and misses me etc etc has never sent me or my child a birthday card. Once he put me on the mailing list for a Christmas card ( he and wife are in a job where that is their lifestyle - PAs do it all) but the next year I didn't get a thing. I've told him how much a card would mean, that I keep them, how much it hurts getting them from other people and dps family not him, but nothing changes. It does hurt. I suppose some people just aren't symbolic but still. Next time we speak I plan on asking him if he's the same with everyone, Inc my older stepsisters (he's said he feels a bond with me he's never felt with them so I shouldn't feel any jealousy but there have been occasions. They also live close by whereas I'm in another country).
Anyway, I have no solutions, just to empathise. Talk to them. They might not change. How do we deal with that? Don't know. It's not materialism, I don't care about presents, I'd just like actions to be where words are. How hard is it to send a card when you know how much it means to the other person?

Not everyone is into cards esp for people they will be seeing regularly anyway. They will probably bring something when they get to meet the baby.

I'll probably get bashed for this. But you sound a bit spoiled op. You seem fixed on money and it makes you look like your throwing your toys out the pram. If your mum is short in money then that's not her fault. Yes she should have got you a card but I think you should let it go. Enjoy your baby and stop going back to things you think people should have done.

@evasmummy2019
No I’m not spoilt or fixated on money. I am capable of making my own money without relying on anyone else. Happiness is the most important thing and we are enjoying our baby very much! I am not even majorly hurt by it either as i didn’t expect any different. I am feeling a bit annoyed tonight that’s all and wondering why cant they be more involved.

OP, you appear too ready to accept gratuitous gifts from your in-laws without regard for how your parents may feel. Your parents are likely to be aware of the money spent on you by your in-laws and may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed.

I don’t know what I would do if any of my daughters told me that their partner’s family were paying for their education, but I do know I wouldn’t be happy. In your situation accepting $200k for your education and all the other gifts you happily receive from your in-laws places you firmly in their pockets for ever.

@bevelino

I know, I feel bad about it. They said it was fine because their son didn’t go to grad school so they were happy to spend the money on me instead. I am not able to afford the education but it was the only way I could move to the states.
I didn’t tell my parents how much tuition costs because they would probably feel bad.
My dad has no idea who is paying for my education. He doesn’t even know what I am doing.

About the wedding- is it possible they saw the cost of going to the US their 'present'. Just saw another thread about a destination wedding where the OP wanted to explicitly state no presents as she was aware people were shelling out to go. If your parents aren't well off, comparatively it may have cost them a lot to go. Your mum might bring something when she comes to see you, I wouldn't expect a Dad to think of it if they're separated. Don't overanalyse it too much, it's easy too especially when you're up feeding a baby in the night. I'm seeing people bother less and less with cards these days too. Congratulations on your baby OP

@PulpHorn
We had our wedding in the Uk so it was actually a destination wedding for my in laws. We told all our guests we didn’t want gifts because it was enough that they came.
So for my parents it didn’t cost them anything to go! I paid for their hotel and the rental car.
My dad has money- he is always buying designer clothes for himself and has a few properties. He also goes on holidays (precoronavirus) 6-7 times a year.
My mum doesn’t have a lot so I understand why she hasn’t given us a gift.

I'm sorry but I think that's pretty rotten of your parents, hardly a big deal to get a card and a small gift for your own child's wedding and then grandchild. OP that would upset me and I certainly wouldn't ever buy them anything in return or remember any of there special dates. They would be treated how they treat me. I'm glad your PIL are kind to you though.

My in-laws said they would buy something but never did, my mum s said she would put money towards a new pram but bought is a cheap stroller instead.

Stop with your expectations and appreciate just how lucky you actually are.

OP I dont think you sound spoilt or not appreciating or any of this other rubbish previous posters have spouted. I would have been very upset if my parents had shown such a lack of interest in my baby. it's not about the money is it - it's about not showing any kind of enthusiasm. I suppose the money side from your partners family shows it more clearly but it isnt just the money from them, by the sounds of it they are invested in your childs life in a way your parents just dont seem to want to be. I totally understand why this is hurtful. although they seem to have been like this your whole life I do get the hope that a new baby may have been the thing that could of changed that. unfortunately, it doesnt sound like it is. so all you can do is manage your expectations going forward and if its bothering you that much, I would talk to your mum about it outlining why you feel quite dejected at their response so far to your new addition. she may think shes doing you a favour by not being in your face too much atm with a new baby

Didn't know it was a thing. GPs have 13 DGC no one got anything. No one expected anything.

I'm surprised neither of them got you a card.
You have been extremely lucky in receiving so much money from your in laws.
Your dad doesn't seem that interested in you or your family and that is sad.
However I don't think you can force your parents to change.

It’s the norm for people to buy a gift for a new baby surely. I’ve never heard of people not doing it. I had cards and presents from colleagues, acquaintances and my parents’ friends when I had my dc. Everybody was over the moon. (No one rich.)

The only difference I can see here is that you are in a different country from your parents and they could possibly get something when you see each other.