No baby gifts from my parents

[Peridotty]

How would you feel if you didn’t receive any baby gifts from your parents? No card or gifts. We haven’t seen my parents yet with our 4 week old. We also didn’t receive any wedding gifts from them either.

On the other hand, my husbands family has been v generous. They haven’t been able to visit us, but have given collectively £4000 to put in the baby’s bank account. Also cards from his side of the family.

I feel a bit awkward that my husbands family gives us so much (and they gave us loads for our wedding too-£15,000) whereas mine doesn’t give us anything.

Should I ask for a card? Is that being grabby. Thanks !

My parents gave premium bonds for one DD but not the other, which was a bit weird but didn’t matter. I bought some for her myself later to even up. We didn’t give my DD a wedding gift - or card, I don’t think - but we did pay for the bulk of the wedding so they certainly didn’t expect anything else.

Congratulations on your new arrival. Why are you bothered about cards and gifts? They are nice but not essential. Being a good grandparent is far more important than a card or a dustcollector keepsake.

@QueSera

The PIL gave £1000, my husbands aunt gave £1000, brother £1000 and his uncle gave £1000. wasnt all from my PIL. I think they want us to invest the money into a baby's trust fund.

I've never heard of anything like this!!! Are they all extremely rich?
I do think your parents should definitely have given some sort of baby gift, yes, that's just good manners.
But I'm absolutely baffled by the monetary gifts you mention!

Sounds like fairly standard gifts within my South Asian community. Family traditionally gave the equivalent a child’s birthweight in gold but it’s now cash.

No don't ask for a card. It seems pathetic. If anything and they can afford it ask very firmly for $5,000+ to be put into the Fund for your child - pointing out PIL have done much more. Your father has Aspergers but does that mean he can't give to GC? Mother - too lazy and/or mean? You have been lucky but not with your parents. Don't let them upset you. You have new life in US.

Appreciate all the kind replies. Indeed I have lovely in-laws and my baby is very lucky to have them as grandparents! The focus here isn't on how nice my in laws are ( I know that already and appreciate them immensely) but if my parents are out of the norm (which they probably are!)

Don't have time to go over all the details but growing up my parents were not like other parents! My dad would rarely speak to us or play with us, he would go to work or watch TV or read the paper. As a result, he hardly knew us and as of now, he is pretty much a stranger! He never asks me how I am doing. He forgets my bday, doesn't know how to spell my name. The first time he even bothered to find out the name of my husband was on our wedding day!!! When I said I was pregnant, he kind of had a bit of a snarl on his face and said he didn't believe me, and won't believe me until the baby is out!

My mum had a lot on her plate when we were growing up. She hit us quite a bit, left us alone most of the time after school (I remember being 4 and having to look after my newborn sister while they went out at night), would not have dinner for us so we would eat cereal and then go to bed hungry.

There is no special religious reason for us not to celebrate events. They didn't place enough value on celebrating them or make events special for us as kids. They couldn't be bothered I guess.

I have a younger sister who doesn't have a kid yet. My baby is their first grandchild.

@Ragwort
Mum lives in the UK and I live in the US now. I was going to pay for her flights because I wanted her here and didn’t want finance to be the reason why she couldn’t come! She was pleased about the coronavirus being a handy excuse for not coming.

I have given her a number of nice gifts in the past which I think she appreciated but she would put in the drawer and not use. She is a hoarder and likes to 'save' things and not spend money.

I am not sure if they are thoughtless, tight or just lazy (maybe a combination of all). I pay for everyone when we go out for a meal, I also pay for everyone when it is my own birthday dinner.

@ToBBQorNotToBBQ

No gifts or cards growing up. It was normal for me and my sister so we never expected any. We were not materialistic children. Mum believed presents are a waste of money. She also doesn’t like the effort it requires to buy a present.

This whole AIBU came up because my husband and I were writing thank you cards to his relatives and again, there are no cards to write for my relatives. It's like an elephant in the room. I guess I am a bit embarrassed how he has such a nice family and mine are a bit rubbish. I pretend everything is okay and mine are normal too.

Oh bless you. You and your sister deserved so much better. I am sorry you didn't get it . It is v sad !
But now you can give your little one all those things and be a better mum by avoiding their mistakes . I would concentrate on doing that and enjoy the love and support of your in laws . X

That doesn't sound like a nice childhood for you. I am pleased you have settled with a partner with a supportive family. Honestly I would just give up on having a meaningful relationship with your parents and focus now on your own family unit.

This isn't really about not getting a gift - it's worse. They have been crap parents all along. Sorry to hear about your childhood.

After reading your update op, Yes your parents are weird and don't seem to care, especially your dad. It appears as though they went through the motions of having children. Your dad doesn't know how to spell your name, wow!
I would stop making much effort with them. Send pictures through your phone but not much else. Luckily you have very nice caring inlaws.

Some of these replies are so harsh!!

OP I totally relate to what your saying. I think it's awful u never had birthday gifts or parties growing up as yes it was normal to u but then all ur other friends presumably did have a big fuss so u must have known it was weird.

Ok so your parents obviously aren't one to make an effort and on the one hand u are used to that but I would still be annoyed. It doesn't make u materialistic at all as a card and small gift don't bed to cost much at all

Why would you ask for a card? That seems very odd to me. Not grabby but just a bit weird.

I'd be disappointed that they hadn't acknowledged the birth but I don't think that forcing them to do so would make anyone feel any better.

Oh. Just read the update. Yes they are weird - not you - and I wonder what you're getting out of the relationship? You have a lovely family of your own now, you're not obliged to make effort with them or give them any more opportunities to disappoint you. I would move on, away from them, they don't sound like kind people.

How is your relationship with your sister?

Your in laws sound like they give a lot more than what is the norm however it does seem strange not to get you a card at least and maybe a small gift such as a baby outfit. I never expect anything from anyone but if I didn’t even get a card from my parents I’d be upset to be honest. My parents always gift us more than my in laws but they always send cards and to me that means just as much it’s the thought that counts not the money spent.

Just read your update I’m sorry Op that doesn’t sound like a good childhood. I wouldn’t bother with them much if I were you

I'm not entirely sure why you would want any contact at all now.

Looks to me like your DH and in-laws are giving you the family you never had.

I'd stick with them if I were you.

How much contact do you have with your parents? Is it all initiated by you?
It sounds like they cause you misery rather than joy and happiness when you have contact with them.
Maybe now is the time to start distancing yourself from them to give yourself a chance to begin to heal from their past treatment of you.
It isn't normal behaviour and leaving you as a 4 year old child to care for a newborn.
Has having your own child made you being to think about your own childhood and how you were treated by your parents?
I'm sorry that you were treated this way, no child deserves this.

Firstly, congratulations on your little one. :)
I cannot imagine not sending something to my own daughter. I would send to a distant relative or a neighbour, even if it’s only a card! They’re very strange and you are not unreasonable. If you ask them for a card, it’s not going to do anything except make you feel it was forced. It has to come naturally and it doesn’t which is sad for you but I’m glad your baby has a loving, caring family on the other side of the family.

Thank you for all the replies!

@RegalRags
My dad is very self-absorbed and selfish. He sends me multiple selfies per day and tells me all about what he is doing. He never asks me how I am doing or how baby is doing. He doesn't comment on the baby pics I send. He hasn't even asked me what her name is!

He still expects me to do stuff for him however, like write emails to his letting agencies, accountant etc because he says he can't write well (he didn't go to school). It's pretty annoying because he just forwards me loads of emails and just expects me to do it for him! Another example of his self absorbedness was at Christmas when I hadn't seen him for 6 months. The first thing he said to me was 'Hey Peridotty, tomorrow can you do this thing for me?' No hi, how are you, lovely to see you or merry Christmas.

Just stop doing it all for him. Remind him you have a baby so don’t have all that free time anymore.

Your husbands family sound very well off. I dont know your parents financial situation but to not even get a card to say congratulations is quite bad I think

The thing that changes when you get a baby is you realise how easy it is not be be a shit parent . I don’t mean a bad day . I mean actually caring about your kids focus on those who are around and make an effort not those who don’t - just ignore his selfies.

Why do you pretend your family are normal when you know they are not. You have a choice, accept how they are and get on with the relationship you have or disengage from them.

I honestly think you've focussed on the wrong thing here with the gift/cards issue and comparison to in-laws. Your childhood frankly sounds neglectful at best, and abusive at worst. Becoming a mother for the first time you are probably looking at your own child and wondering how your parents were able to treat you the way they did.

As hard as it may be they are not going change, so I would go low contact with them and focus on your new family and life away from them. And stop helping your father, he's not capable of even a basic relationship with you, just uses you. Enjoy your baby

Your childhood sounds pretty similar to mine, in places... and I’m sorry to say it; but the only way to stop being disappointed is to stop expecting things. You know your family by now.

It sounds like you’ve got a lovely family on your husbands side, enjoy them.

Hi again so I thought I would update my post. My baby was 4 weeks old when I wrote that post and now she is nearly one! :-O So my family have only just met her because I decided to travel to the U.K. h
Anyway, so I am feeling slightly weird because I was hoping that my parents would be more excited to meet their first granddaughter! My mum didn’t really want us to visit because she was scared of us catching covid and my dad wanted to see me but not bothered about my baby. I guess I’d had enough of not seeing my family since 2019 and would visit them. I remember some PP said maybe they would give us something when we actually come to the U.K. as they didn’t send anything as a gift or a card when she was born. Well that didn’t happen and they haven’t given anything yet. No clothes for her or toys to play with. I had to order her a cot from Argos myself because my mum didn’t want to get anything for her. She wanted my baby to sleep on the floor on a cushion! Is that weird
My mum hardly interacts with her and she is scared to come too close. Sometimes she will hide behind the door and look at her instead. She has managed to hold her a few times though just to hand her off to me.
My sister has said that babies are annoying and not wanted to hold her.
I think my husband is a little disappointed by the response from my family because he had hoped for a little bit of ‘me time’ since we are exhausted looking after our baby alone since she was born. I did tell him not to expect much help from my family though as they never offered to help us.
Anyway, it’s her first birthday party soon and I’m slightly worried that there’s going to be no presents or cards for her again!! There’s been no mention about celebrating my baby’s birthday and when I mentioned I wanted to organise a party, the response has just been ‘that’s nice’.
Just wanted to get this off my chest! Thanks!