No baby gifts from my parents

[Peridotty]

How would you feel if you didn’t receive any baby gifts from your parents? No card or gifts. We haven’t seen my parents yet with our 4 week old. We also didn’t receive any wedding gifts from them either.

On the other hand, my husbands family has been v generous. They haven’t been able to visit us, but have given collectively £4000 to put in the baby’s bank account. Also cards from his side of the family.

I feel a bit awkward that my husbands family gives us so much (and they gave us loads for our wedding too-£15,000) whereas mine doesn’t give us anything.

Should I ask for a card? Is that being grabby. Thanks !

Well it sounds like they didn't even bother to do any of that stuff for their own children so they certainly won't for yours.
How v sad. It must be v hurtful for you but you are blessed with lovely in laws so I would let go of any expectations of your own family and concentrate on that. And you have the chance to change the future and be a better more loving parent to your own child than they were to you . So try to look at it that way .
Many Congratulations x

You can't ask for a card. You can't ask them for any gift or money. That's really rude and wouldn't make you feel more loved.

That doesn't mean that they aren't a bit mean and neglectful, they sound very unaffectionate, not just with gifts but with all forms of love.

Try to focus on your new little family and being thankful for your generous in-laws.

Are you sure it wasn't your parents who gave the big sums of money and in laws who gave nothing? Surely by now you'd know if your parents had form for gift-buying or not? 🤔

Yes it’s sad and hurtful but you can’t change them now. I would focus on your lovely in laws and accept the level of contact your mum seems to want send her pictures etc.
I also think you need to try to let it go if possible their non interest and just remember it if it ever comes to them needing you. Do what suits you best and accept them as almost distant aunt and uncle figures.
To not make a fuss over the birth of your grandchild in some form or other is just very telling I’m afraid.

She said she would feel like she was in the way and we would be looking after her rather than the other way around.

She must have been reading mumsnet.

We weren't a family who celebrated things with gifts or cards. I've never received a card or had a birthday party.

Then I'm puzzled as to why you think they would atart now?

• start

My family aren't very good at cards and presents. I've just learned to lower my expectations. Nothing much you can do about it. Although I will says that your ILs are extremely generous and although they might not know about the excessively generous cash gifts your parents are probably aware of this to an extent and feel as though presents from them aren't needed.

I had my first child in 2015.

A girl. Mother in law got me a huge pink box. Inside was....

An upsy daisy doll
A cuddly teddy
A nursery rhyme book
A musical book
A sleepsuit and hat.
A blanket.

Sister in law
A hungry Caterpillar rattle
A teething Sophie giraffe thing.
outfit.
Teething products
Socks
Cream and bath products.

30 cards I got for that baby.

Partners work mates got us a hamper.

Partners other mates got a dress and picture frame for her.

Neighbours got two blankets and an outfit. Money box and money!

Baby number 2 2017

Mil gave a tiny iggle piggle teddy

Sil one outfit.

Neighbours didn't acknowledge the birth.

Partners friends didn't buy anything.

Partners colleagues didn't get us anything.

Got about 15 cards for his birth.

My family did the same for both kids.

But yeah I'd be pissed off too. It's sentimental. Especially the cards.

MN is a strange place sometimes.
I am 60 so easily old enough to to be your mum. All of my friends who have become grandparents have bought presents I just can imagine a world where you wouldn’t. None of them are particularly wealthy but would do without other things to buy a present. Surely that’s the norm?

Congratulations.
What strange behaviour. I can't imagine not sending a card, gift or flowers for a new mum in my family or even a neighbour. I'd be very hurt. Are they normally like this?

Your INLAWS spent $200,000 on your education??

In all seriousness I don't think either set of grandparents are typical - yes, you would expect your parents to be more engaged and send something for a newborn (especially a pfb), but by the same token your inlaws are off-the-scale generous. Comparing the two probably doesn't help.

I agree with @KatherineJaneway - why would either of your parents change now.?

But I don't think you sound spoiled or grabby in the least.

I cannot imagine any parent not making a little birthday party for their child or not buying their child any presents - sad for you but also sad for them missing out experiencing their child's excitement and anticipation before a birthday or Christmas.

Does your DM live in the UK and you live in the US? No wonder she didn't want to visit you to help care for the baby? . You say she hasn't much money so were you offering to pay the flights - and surely she can't travel at the moment anyway ? .

Yes of course it would be nice to send a card and a 'keepsake' type gift but if your DPs have never been into gifts & celebrations they aren't going to start now. Out of interest do you give them presents and what is their reaction?

I'd find the lack in interest or want to meet the baby really upsetting. I think I could look past the lack of gifts or card, but not the lack of interest. Sorry OP, that's rough.

Do you have a sibling you could get to ask your parents ("you should send a card" etc)

Congratulations on your new arrival!

We weren't a family who celebrated things with gifts or cards. I've never received a card or had a birthday party.

It seems to me that your AIBU should be a wider one in that case. It isn't surprising that your parents treated the arrival of your baby in the same way as other family celebrations - what may be unreasonable is their failure ever to send gifts/cards etc. but some context would be needed - is this a stand on principle against the commercialisation of birthdays, marriages, new babies etc, for instance? I could understand that but I'd hope your parents would show love, interest and generosity in other ways.

Your parents sound awful to be honest. It sounds like you've landed lovely in laws to make up for it - a poem sounds so lovely!

My parents are pretty crap at times but there's no way they wouldn't send me a card!

Congratulations OP, focus on your new family and both your parents and your in laws will reap what they sow in terms of how much involvement and interest they've invested in their grandchild.

Another one who got a great big nothing from my parents after the birth of each baby, when I gave birth a good few years ago now. I think it's a mixture of being old-fashioned and the idea that you don't value/spoil your kids like this 'modern generation', and being downright mean and thoughtless.
At the time, it didn't really register because I was used to them and their ways but it did sting when I used to see my friends' parents gifting and helping so much too.
I know how you feel, OP but try to forget about it all, enjoy your baby and they can get stuffed.

The issue is not the card so don't ask for one, they'll fixate on it and won't understand.
Your issue is they don't show they care or appear interested in your life.
This is the case whether your in laws were generous or not.
They never celebrated birthdays etc which is weird for other's to understand but I suppose if that's there way there's not much that can be done.
I would decide going forward to address issues as they come along, for example if something happens your response could be for example "I feel disappointed you can't do x or y or z because I wanted you to enjoy the experience of being grandparents or I thought you would be more enthusiastic about being grandparents"
It does sound sad and lonely for you

People are picking this post apart but generally they sound disinterested.

I grew up wanting acknowledgement from my parents.

I finally got a I am proud of you card when I passed my professional qualification - my thoughts it is nothing to do with you it’s too little too late.

As I say to my son focus on the people who are interested in us

@Wallywobbles

Didn't know it was a thing. GPs have 13 DGC no one got anything. No one expected anything.

Oh come on, really? I don't know anyone, friends or family, who didn't get something when they had a a baby - a card, present, visit, just loads of attention!

Is it out of character for them (the lack of wedding card / gift suggests not). Surely you know your own parents' attitude to gift and card giving? My parents never by birthday cards for me and my brother because they don't like the waste. Usually we will get an online e-card, or a phone call. now we are older they don't buy us gifts but will transfer a small sum of money to buy ourselves a takeaway etc. When we were younger we had gifts. My in laws always get us a card but never gifts.
If it's out of character for your family, it does seem odd but like others have said, perhaps they are waiting to bring gifts in person rather than posting potentially bulky items? But a gift is a luxury, not something that should be expected. Your in-laws gifts are hugely oppullent. Have you vocalised what they have given? Could your parents feel they can't compete and so ashamed by what they might have given?

YANBU, that’s very odd from them. I personally wouldn’t ask, because I would feel awkward and It wouldn’t change the fact that the thought wasn’t there. But I totally understand why it’s upsetting.

The issue runs deeper than the lack of card doesn't it?
It sounds like you've realised how little interest your parents show you since marrying into what seems to be a very loving, close and caring family.

I imagine growing up you didn't know any different but now you have your own child and see how your in-laws are and it hurts.
You don't sound money grabbing, selfish or greedy.
To me you sound hurt.
I'm sorry that your parents show so little interest in you and your family.
A poem is such a thoughtful gift for your baby!
Congratulations

Congratulations on your lovely baby!

Don't ask for anything.

If you have to ask, it's meaningless.

I, like you, would be very hurt by their lack of interest, but I'd just ignore it. Personally, I'd just let them get on with it, but I wouldn't pander to them eg if they decided they wanted pictures of their grandchild to plater all over FB, I wouldn't provide them, nor would I welcome them into my home except on my own terms.

Unless there is something else going on in all your lives which means that they have a genuine reason (not excuse) not to welcome your baby, they are being very cruel.