No baby gifts from my parents

[Peridotty]

How would you feel if you didn’t receive any baby gifts from your parents? No card or gifts. We haven’t seen my parents yet with our 4 week old. We also didn’t receive any wedding gifts from them either.

On the other hand, my husbands family has been v generous. They haven’t been able to visit us, but have given collectively £4000 to put in the baby’s bank account. Also cards from his side of the family.

I feel a bit awkward that my husbands family gives us so much (and they gave us loads for our wedding too-£15,000) whereas mine doesn’t give us anything.

Should I ask for a card? Is that being grabby. Thanks !

You need to have no expectations and then you won’t be disappointed.

OP it's quite clear from what you've written that your parents are self centred and unsupportive. Stop getting your hopes up regarding them - they are what they are - and that's not much. Concentrate on the friends and family that love and care for you. And wrt to your old family, do less - think less about them, communicate less with them and expect less from them. This will get easier w practice.

Your immediate family are telling you they aren't interested in your child, so stop expecting them to change.

Arrange to meet up with extended family and friends who have indicated in the past they like children.

If any of them are really lovely then arrange to be with them on your DD's first birthday rather than with your immediate family as they will actually like and appreciate it.

They don't seem interested unfortunately and you can't make them be more interested. It's a shame but there isn't anything you can do about it.

Oh, my late OH offered to pitch a tent outside Next for me when first grandchild was born!

Your parents were neglectful when you were little so why would you expect they would care for you anymore know you are an adult? Their behaviour isn't normal in the slightest but your inlaws are wealthy and generous, don't compare the two. I would block your father's number and cut contact. I would probably do the sake with your mother tbh. They just aren't going to have the kind of relationship with your child that you want.

I wouldn't ask for a card for you lo's first birthday, they would probably expect you to choose it and buy yourself. it really isn't unreasonable to hope that they would be interested in your baby and I'm sorry that they aren't but ilultimately it is their loss.

I would put all your focus on your lovely little family and keep those that are toxic away from you. You have no obligation towards them, don't feel guilty.

How strange , traditionally the mums parents would buy a big item eg pram or cot , and would be organised before you give birth. You must be so sad at their lack of interest , even a low cost gift would be appreciated. Do you have the kind of relationship you can say anything to them re how hurt you feel ?

@hulahooper2 my parents didn't but they give clothes and toys etc but the best thing was their love and joy for their grandkids. I think it's unfair to put pressure on our parents to buy something. Me and my husband always advocate that it's our child, we should provide for them first.

@OP don't worry why don't you talk to your mum about it? They do care like when they said they didn't want to give baby COVID...what culture are you from?

Would you be happy to let your parents look after her like when u do shopping. Maybe the interaction will help them bond.

A card from your parents? That's weird. I think my parents gave me the push chair, but my in laws didn't give us anything, but I didn't think anything of it. I don't expect immediate family to give me stuff like that as they contributed in lots of other ways.
Certainly don't compare one set of parents to another.

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you. I do have very low expectations (or no expectations) but it doesn’t stop me from wondering why they don’t do much for their grandchild. I thought most grandparents would want to spoil their grand baby.

@JudgeJ that’s very sweet!

@Sceptre86 thank you. It’s hard not to compare sometimes when both sets of grandparents live far away from us and my husbands parents are super interactive with her. They want to video call everyday to see her, they say they miss her etc. On my side, my mum has only video called 2-3x and that’s me almost forcing her to! My dad has never video called me. I am probably going to have to buy a card on behalf of my mum and dad and get them to sign it or something. I’m trying to save myself the embarrassment of them not getting her anything.

@hulahooper2 yeah that’s what my friends parents do I think. But I think it would massively stress my mum out if I asked for anything. And I don’t think it really occurs to my dad to think of stuff like that.

@faithfulbird20 well we are both vaccinated and so are my parents. I know there is still the risk but my mum was handwringing over the ‘variants’. She kept throwing out many reasons not to visit. I’m not sure if she just didn’t want us to visit. We are British.

@faithfulbird20 well yesterday and today I wanted my mum to take baby out for a walk in the pram. She declined yesterday and today. She refused to read my baby a book as well. Started to read it and laughing maniacally saying she can’t do this.

@Livingintheclouds but they contributed in other ways whereas it doesn’t seem like mine do?

And my mum gave my baby threatening gestures when she threw food on the floor. My mum would say ‘no! Don’t do that’ and shake her head vigorously and then slap her own hand as if threatening to slap my baby. I don’t know if that is threatening or not?

No, please don't ask for a card. The whole point of a card is that it's supposed to symbolize the fact that someone thought of you. If someone has to be asked, it really has no purpose!

It is odd that they did absolutely nothing, though. Most grandparents would send a card or gift or both. If I was worried about getting the "right" stuff or giving them clutter they don't want, I'd give a voucher for a department store or baby store inside a nice card.

@user1477391263 yeah they haven’t done a single thing for a year. Not expecting that they will get a card either for her first birthday.

I have this issue with my MIL. My DD (the first grandchild for both sides) is now 4 months old and my mother dotes on her. She is really involved, sees her every day and is constantly interacting with her. The bond they have is lovely to see.

My mil however couldn’t be more different. She looks at my DD like she is an alien. She stayed with us for a few days and in that time held her for less than 5 minutes and actually asked me to take her away from her. My mil looks at her like she is an alien. When my Dd was crying, she was more bothered by her dog being distressed by the noise than what was wrong with dd. I am really reluctant to have her anywhere near dd if she’s going to behave like this, mostly because I don’t know if I’ll be able to restrain myself from biting her head off! I’ve already told Dh that his mother needs to get a grip!

Your parents will never change, and hoping that they will somehow start behaving differently is only setting you up for more and more disappointment. They are both unusual characters. Not just standard people who don't care about you. They're clearly more than quirky and their outlook set for life.

You clearly have lovely inlaws. Embrace them instead. I know the contrast is uncomfortable, but as someone who had a similar contrast in interest (though not quite as exceptional) between my parents and my inlaws, once I got myself into the mindset, it was lovely to just enjoy the love and kindness that my inlaws brought to my life, and pretty much ignore my own without guilt.

Didn't rtft but I think it depends on context - do you have a good relationship with your parents ?

I have a complicated relationship with mine and they never showed much interest towards my sons. The result is that we barely talk.

So it really depends. If they are showing interest, calling, messaging, asking for photos, I'd accept that cards aren't a thing. If they can't be bothered, that is the problem, not the card (or lack thereof).

Their loss.

Don't buy a card and it's from them. It's not good for your daughter to trick her into thinking her grandparents care when they don't. It's just going to teach her to chase after people who aren't worth her time. She'd be better off if you learn to stop chasing them and teach her to put her effort into relationships with people who are willing to do the same for her.

I wouldn't care about the gifts etc if they showed an interest in the baby- have they?
I do think it's a bit unusual, though.

I wouldn’t ask for a card and I’d be really upset if my parents didn’t get one for their grandchild. That’s really sad 😞

I've name changed for this as it is a painful subject for me. The fact is your parents are both emotionally unintelligent and hurtful to you. Whilst they are in the extreme - there are still many of us who share similar experiences. Thankfully you are emotionally intelligent. I hope you can find a way of getting inner peace. Their actions are their responsibility not yours. If you feel shame find ways to cope - their behaviour is theirs alone. You can hope they will change but the reality is that may never happen. Mine did to some extent when my siblings, who live in the same country as they do, had children. But over time their relationships with those grandchildren are very poor and complicated.

I have never been able to go NC with my parents but I have also never been able to ask them about their coldness. I don't know if it is lack of courage on my part or maybe a kindness to them. I think their retort would be that I left my home country. But of course that is not the whole reason for their behaviour. I recall when my dd1 was less than three suggesting to my mother that she would read to her (my mother is a great reader but had not spent 5 minutes doing anything with my dd). My mother's response - I will get to know her when she is 7 ... a reference to the Jesuit's phrase "Show me the child at 7 .... etc". Of course, that never happened. My dd1 is an adult now - and I can say without bias a fantastic person.

I hope you can confront your feelings in a safe way. It has taken me a long time to do so - and I am still not there yet all of the time.

But know that you survived this upbringing. And because of the choices you have made your daughter has many people in her life who truly whole heartedly love her and that is what is most important and that is something to celebrate for her milestone birthday.

That's so sad, OP. I'm sorry your family is so emotionally distant and uninvolved with you and their grandchild. It seems like you've grown into a normal, loving person, despite the challenges in your upbringing. Your child is lucky to have you!

If you still want something from them for your daughter, I think it would be okay to mention that you're making an album, memory box, whatever of keepsakes for her first birthday and would like to include a card from them. That's not much to ask! I don't think it would necessarily give your daughter false hopes about her grandparents, either. Given the distance and their unwillingness to visit, it seems unlikely that she'll spend much time with them, anyway, unless your circumstances change.

Just read your last update OP,

I would have walked out of the house with my baby if my mum had done that! What a horrid person she is, your little girl is one and of course she's going to be drop food around - my 2 year old still is pretty regularly.

Both of your parents don't DESERVE a grandchild, nor do they deserve a daughter who is killing herself trying to forge a relationship.

Stop.

Stop making excuses. Stop trying. Stop kidding yourself. They don't care, and it's obvious they never have. Stop calling, texting or expecting anything from those two people. When you get back home, delete their numbers and block, then get on with your life.

You have a wonderful partner, a beautiful little baby and two parents who love you. It doesn't matter if they're in laws. They are part of your family and part of your baby, forever. These are the things that matter.

Please protect your child from these people. Imagine the conversation you'd have with your child when she's older if you continue this -

"mum, that's a lovely card, who got me that?"
"that's from my mum and dad, sweetheart"
"why don't we ever visit them or hear from them?"
"because they don't care about me, or you darling, i actually had to buy that card because they value us so little. Now go play with your lego"

See how stupid that sounds?

Please spend your energy on people who deserve it. I hope you can move on from all of this and get rid of this baggage. Sending love from Scotland.

Sorry OP, that is hard. Some people don't seem that interested in their grandchildren or the major events in their children's lives. I don't understand it. It's great that you have amazing in-laws, but I'm not too sure what you can do about your own family. You can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. It must be very hurtful.

@Autumnwalksx

I had my first child in 2015.

A girl. Mother in law got me a huge pink box. Inside was....

An upsy daisy doll
A cuddly teddy
A nursery rhyme book
A musical book
A sleepsuit and hat.
A blanket.

Sister in law
A hungry Caterpillar rattle
A teething Sophie giraffe thing.
outfit.
Teething products
Socks
Cream and bath products.

30 cards I got for that baby.

Partners work mates got us a hamper.

Partners other mates got a dress and picture frame for her.

Neighbours got two blankets and an outfit. Money box and money!

Baby number 2 2017

Mil gave a tiny iggle piggle teddy

Sil one outfit.

Neighbours didn't acknowledge the birth.

Partners friends didn't buy anything.

Partners colleagues didn't get us anything.

Got about 15 cards for his birth.

My family did the same for both kids.

But yeah I'd be pissed off too. It's sentimental. Especially the cards.

I can’t imagine keeping track of the gifts I’ve received in this way. It’s a sure fire recipe for future disappointment.