Invited friend over for lunch and it all went downhill. Was IBU?

[Dogsaremyfavorite]

My friend arrived back in the country and I asked for her earliest availability that I could see her after she got her negative covid results. She said today at 12. I said I’d make us lunch and was genuinely excited to see her after almost 6 months. She asked if she can contribute to the meal and I declined, because it’s just lunch and I hate how much food goes to waste when there’s too much food. Any way I timed lunch to be cooked for when she arrives so I don’t have to spend time in the kitchen and prepped snacks, sangria, set the table and lunch was almost ready, I thought last 10 min of cooking I’ll do when she’s due or arrived at the house.

20 minutes after friend is due to arrive she messages to say she’s 10 min away. So I finish lunch. An hour later she arrives at my home with 4 packets of groceries and by this stage I am so annoyed because everything is now cold, looks over cooked and it’s just bleh. As she arrives, she saw my new dog and freaks out because although she has a dog she’s not keen on them. I never really knew this as I’ve always had small to medium sized dogs. And insists I lick him away. Which at that point I can’t lock him away because when I’ve tried to do that in that excited state he has snapped and I don’t want the situation to escalate with my dog or friend and I know if she just stops panicking she’ll see he’s fine and glued to my husband anyway.

Well she refused to enter my home. Walks round to the back door then when I opened up to let her in, we had an exchange of words about the overcooked food/late arrival/and arriving with too much groceries... mainly because I couldn’t even pretend to not be angry that she arrived so late but she’s also angry because of my dog.

So she said to me maybe she should just leave.... so I snapped back well then maybe you should. So she walks out, lunch uneaten and within the afternoon she’s already removed me from fb and ig.

I love this friend dearly and I was genuinely excited to see her. I feel a lack of respect and consideration when people are late with no valid reason or apology.

But I am not sure if I was unjustified in my snap back at her... AIBU?

My husband suggests I call her to make amends and all I think is call her and say what? Sorry you were late and I got annoyed? Sorry you said you were 10 min away when you were an hour away? Sorry you wanted me to lick my dog up and I was trying to calm the situation for everyone? Sorry I made you lunch so that when you arrived I wouldn’t need to be in the kitchen?

The only thing I can say is my face doesn’t lie how I’m feeling. I wish it did. But I don’t have a poker face and when she said maybe she should leave I was possibly wrong to say maybe she should, when actually an apology for her being late would have been enough to just say oooh ok.... let’s enjoy the afternoon regardless.

If someone says can I bring anything for lunch and you say no, its pretty normal to then bring, say, drinks/chocolates/sometimes nibbles. From your description she brought drinks and chips and dip. So not really four bags of groceries, more a possibly excessive amount of sides and drinks, which was actually respecting what you had said about lunch. Your initial post made it sounds like she brought a chicken or something.

If she was coming a long distance, coming for the afternoon and the only person you were expecting I think she probably imagined the timing was a bit more fluid. I would normally expect not to be greeted at the door by a strange dog, all my friends with dogs keep theirs locked away until the guest has arrived and settled in so they're calm and not over-excited. It sounds like you opened the door in a foul mood, she saw an overexcited dog ready to jump at her and over-reacted and then you had a go at her.

So I think you're marginally more to blame for everything that her.

We normally dip our crisps in cream cheese with sweet chili sauce.... that’s why she brought cream cheese.

You both sound incredibly hard work.

And I'm amazed how many of the groceries you managed to see/count before she left again so quickly.

Sounds like you expect your "friends" to accommodate you a lot more than you're willing to do so for them.

And in future you don't need food ready for the moment someone arrives, that's kind of weird. Generally I my experience people sit with a a drink and then you could chat in the kitchen while you finish off the meal.

Or it's only a catch up lunch, you could've done something like a salad or sandwiches that can be eaten anytime if you really needed to prep 100% in advance.

It's all quite petty

@FizzAfterSix ok hun 🙄

I mean this in the kindest possible way OP but do you have issues with social interactions and friendships in general?

So she brought crisps and dip and you got the hump. It would have taken no space in your kitchen if it was to be eaten. This just gets more and more ridiculous.

@Yesmate

So she brought crisps and dip and you got the hump. It would have taken no space in your kitchen if it was to be eaten. This just gets more and more ridiculous.

Yes, that is exactly what the OP has said - just crisps and dip ffs read her posts at least

You both sound horrrendous! And very well suited.
You need to work on being afraid of locking your dog in another room, rescue or not, its not acceptable.

On a side note - my favorite type of guest are ones who come bearing food

I did read the posts @CrazyTimesAreOccurring the OP had previously said she was annoyed because she already had a fridge full and no room for other stuff. No need for room if they were going to eat it, maybe you are the one who ought to read the posts ffs.

You were both unreasonable. You should expect to shut your dog away if you have guests and you don't freak because the meal you have cooked isn't at its best because your guest is late. The lunch was supposed to be about a meet up between two old friends rather than the food being the focus. Just apologise or being a bit overdone as you'd prepared it for X o'clock , but you say this at the time you serve the food not when they arrive.

Yes your friend was out of order being late but your behaviour was dreadful.

Both as bad as each other! I can understand her being concerned at the dog who you say snapped-I wouldn’t want to be near a dog that did that. Why have a go as soon as she arrived with food? You could have frozen it, sent it back with her, whatever. She sounds like she was trying to be polite bringing stuff and you go mad at her, after having demanded she come round ASAP. Bonkers.

Oh I forgot the watermelon. Here’s an idea ear the one the guest brought and leave yours in the fridge. Honestly the whole thing sounds tedious and the two of you clearly aren’t friends. Who doesn’t firm actual plans “I’m cooking so don’t be late”

The point that sticks out to me regardless of everything else is how she's deleted you on social media already, this shows she has ended the relationship

I think you are getting quite a hard time OP. I have been in similar situations where I have been excited to see someone and they have turned up in a grump because of traffic or they got lost or whatever and it sours the visit. I am assuming this is what happened from what you have said. You just want them to be as excited to see you as you are to see them and it is a bit of a slap in the face when they don't react positively to you and have a rant. I wonder if she reacted badly because she was feeling guilty?

Some ppl have said you are ungrateful to be annoyed that she brought groceries. However, you did say don't and you obviously wanted her with you rather than waiting for her while she went shopping. I could understand her popping in somewhere for a gift, but not for making herself incredibly late doing a big shop. She is also being childish unfriending you.

My DH does the "I am only 10/20 mins away" = 1/2 hours. It is incredibly irritating and his family grumble about it but never actually say anything.

If you truly care about this friend then I would get it touch and say "let's try that again shall we?" and try to make light of it. I would leave it for a few days so things cool off. Hopefully she will come round and also give you a big fat apology! And you could say sorry for snapping. Next time make her a salad or soup or something that won't be ruined if she turns up late again.

Good luck @Dogsaremyfavorite

I don’t think you are being unreasonable but many of the other people on this thread seem whacked!

My guess is you wouldn’t have said a word about her being an hour + late if she hadn’t been going nuts over a dog that had already left the premises.

But she’s your friend and you care about her. So I’d take a day or so to cool off and send one of the sane messages suggested by normal posters here. There are lots of good options without laying blame or falsely apologizing.

I’d put her odd/rude behavior down to covid weirdness unless she’s frequently like this.

I think the friend was very rude to be so late.

But shopping can always just be handed back...

I must admit I have a friend who always turns up late with a bag from the supermarket and I would much rather she just turned up on time with nothing.
It’s usually stuff I have in my cupboards and unnecessary. It’s is with good intentions though. I just now plan for her to be 30 minutes late.

If it’s a one off OP I would apologise to her to save the relationship. She probably thought she was doing a nice thing.

Try to mend it if you can. I had a much awaited visit with a friend and I show up and another friend of her stopped by not to long later.. a friend I don't like. A friend who has no responsibilities and lives minutes away where I had to plan ahead for several weeks to get a sitter and then drive over an hour. I was furious. I left angry and things blew up. It's been 11 or so years. We talk now... Started around the time my mom died and she reached out to me. That was 5 years ago but we only really started talking frequently the past year or so. We had plans to meet for lunch... Seeing each other in person for the first time since I walked away... The week lockdown happened in our state.

I regret how things ended. Especially knowing what I do now. But it's too late to truly fix it. We will never be as close as we once were.

So just... Thing about things and if you truly want her friendship try to mend things now... Before it's too late🤷

Honestly, OP, if this is what you’re like hosting lunch for one good friend who’s been out of the country for six months, I’d hate to see you hosting Christmas dinner for twenty, or a big dinner party.

Are you normally this easily upset?

I think you both behaved badly. Your friend was late. You didn't listen when she explained that's shes scared of the dog. I would have gritted my teeth and said hello with a smile. Shut the dog away or asked husband to walk him. Served the food. I would pick up the phone and talk to her. Life's too short to fall out out, over something so silly.

This is a wind up thread

OP, you mentioned you weren’t in the UK. Are you in North America? I think part of why everyone thinks you are both completely mental is that a lot of what you are describing, both on your part and hers, has really different norms between the two countries.

Firstly the Xanax comment. Benzodiazepines are really heavily restricted here. Commenting about washing a Xanax down with a few glasses of wine to allow you to get on with the day? Sounds like recreational use of a very addictive drug here. Imagine how a throwaway comment about necking a bottle of oxycodone at difficult moments would go down in the US, and that’s how recreational Xanax use sounds in the UK (and taking it with wine is definitely recreational use, sorry).

We also don’t have the strict hosting etiquette that a lot of US suburbia does. Our arrival time etiquette is different - yes 90 mins late for lunch is rude, but so is turning up bang on time. You turn up to somebody’s house 30mins after the time they tell you. Gives them a bit of leeway if they are running late. So of course we all think you are mad and uptight to be cooking dinner to be ready bang on time.

The groceries - you both sound mad. Nobody would bring a supermarket shop round to their mate’s house, but neither would we melt down about it if they did. We’d think it was pretty weird but move on. Probably bin it after they left if it was nothing we wanted. As I say, US hosting etiquette is very different to the UK.

From your later comments it sounds like you have felt slighted by her in the past and felt it was a passive aggressive dig. And that you are sick of being nice to her and letting her walk all over you. So maybe decide that this friendship is done?

The friend has a dog of her own. confused

You can have a dog and still be scared of dogs you don't know. Not many people are scared of a tiny puppy, and as it grows it's a familiar relationship. I'm really scared of being around dogs I don't know. I was never scared of my own dog.

Can’t bear lateness. She sounds like a diva. Good riddance.