Who pays

[Courtney555]

If you were significantly better off than a really good friend, and it made no difference to you, whilst they were on a tight budget, would you always pay for coffees, (non extravagant) lunches etc.

I was going to put circumstances, then realised they were irrelevant as we are both nice, decent people, just one of us is really financially comfortable, and the other, for very genuine reasons, has very little money.

I love going out with her and our DC, we deliberately don't pick places with high entry fees (we both have children), but for example, if we go to the park, I'll buy everyone an ice-cream. If we meet for a Starbucks, I'll get the bill.

It's just kind of every time. And it's bugging me a little. She's not being entitled or a CF who could afford to pick up the whole bill herself. £20 I don't notice on a round of coffee and cake, is a tangible part of her weekly disposable income. I think there's an element that she knows it's negligible to me, so feels quite comfortable about it. And I don't begrudge it, I love her to bits, but when it's every time, I just think, once a month, she could say, "let's split it."

It's never anything over say £30, and I'd hate the thought of saying "shall we go halves" and her to feel obliged, then that was the money for her and DC dinner.

She's not a freeloader, truly, she's not. If it sounds like she is, it's my error in how I've worded this. I'm arguing internally, that, "£20/30 doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"...."but then 5 times a month, that's up to £150, which is a lot for her to be ok with accepting as treats"...."but the spend over a month doesn't affect me, so what's the problem"

So, AIBU. If we have a great time, as do our DC, and it's of immaterial consequence for me to pick up the tab for sundries, and very material for her, do I just keep doing it?

Or, just because it's immaterial, doesn't mean it's ok to keep doing it? Or more to the point, because it's a very material amount to her, should she be ok with accepting it on every occasion.

Myself and a family member have very different views here, would like to see general consensus.

(Quick clause, before this runs off on a stealth boast tangent, I hope people have the clarity to see this is not about being "significantly richer than yow" )

The 'friendship' won't last. 1) What no one has said is your friendship is not worth it to her finding the money for a cup of coffee?
2) thought the best reply I read was somebody said yeah and then one day she'll turn up in a brand-new car or be going on a fantastic holiday.
3) also I wouldn't believe she's that broke -she just simply doesn't wanna spend money with you on a coffee or a sandwich but I bet if that same money was required for something else she would find it

Do you think she is getting everything she's entitled to? It sounds as though she's in a tough position but if all her rent is paid before she gets benefits then it's hard to see how she's just so broke. Does she have debts? I know that's her private business but would she talk to you about it?

I've just realised I assumed she was a single mum. Is that right? If not, could her partner be restricting what she spends? Could there be financial abuse? Does he buy himself things or expect her to pay half even though she earns less?

Im through with ppl who can’t pay for themselves, i had a friend who turned up to a birthday meal of mine at tgi fridays with a fiver! Yes i had to pay for her 🙄 maybe you can afford it but shouldnt mean you should do it every time!

I’d feel awkward if I had to pay for my friend and her kids too everytine we met up.. as if I was buying/paying for her company.

You are a very kind and generous friend . I suspect that once your friends knows the good times have stopped rolling regards you funding the food and refreshments you will find she won’t want to meet as often . I don’t have money, I live hand to mouth but I AM a generous person who values my friendships enough to make gifts for friends when I can , I often have their children to give them a break and make sure it is an equal, two way relationship, why would you NOT want to show
some gratitude if your friend was treating your children and yourself weekly ? Being good natured you are being took advantage of I’m afraid . Pay no attention to the picnic police , its irrelevant and you don’t need to justify enjoying nice food . I really do think your friend is a cheeky entitled sod and I personally wouldn’t want to maintain this as a friendship if it were me. Sorry 😐 be my friend instead ....... I bake amazing bread and cookies

I could never ever accept someone paying for me ... but in your position to be honest ... life's too short
As long as she's not deliberately taking advantage, or affecting your finances
I'd just pay
It may be the only treat , nice lunch, coffee ,ice cream etc that she actually gets ?
If you feel resentful then absolutely you should stop as this will affect your friendship in the end
Again, life is really short , eat the cake

Pensioner here - I belong to a group called ' Costs Nowt' sandwiches and flasks of tea are de rigueur. Our incomes vary from usual to wealthy . Its takes a bit of thought but theres a lot of things to do out there . If you leave this burr under your saddle disaster is imminent. Develope new interests and your friendship may strengthen too .... window's mite and all that .good luck

I was in a similar situation and I definitely began to resent it, it even got to the point where she would text me and suggest meeting for coffee and when I agreed to it, tell me that she couldn't afford it knowing I would say that I would pay, it really hit home how much she was taking advantage when her 3 year old DS would greet me with a big smile and shout cake whenever I saw him, I started being available less and surprise surprise the friendship soon dwindled. Last month for her birthday I posted on her Facebook wall wishing her Happy Birthday and she acknowledge every message before and after mine and ignored me so I took that as confirmation that the friendship and run its course and unfriended her, its sad but you live and learn.

OP I'm going to go against the grain and say i think you're a wonderful friend and your lovely generosity will come back to you one day. I do believe you reap what you sow.
If in your heart you resent it, then stop. But if you can reframe your attitude to curate the generosity and kindness that you've shown so far, continue! Your friend's attitude is HER concern, yours is the only one that you have a right to change.

Imagine how wonderful the world would be if we all had lovely friends like you.

I had a friend like this, she was a single mum to one child and not working. I always offered to pay when we were out as i had more spare income and we were friends. Soo, things changed over the years..I’m now a single mum to 3 children and she is married and working. She still expects me to pay most of the time! That wasn’t really working for me so now I just ask who’s turn it is to pay? Some people are just takers..

YANBU Op, I have a similar relationship with a friend who wasn’t doing so great financially at the time. I usually paid for most things but she did offer to buy the odd coffee here and there but there was a time I got a bit annoyed when it had completely slipped my mind it was her birthday (I’d been going through a lot) and I was low on cash that day and I offered to give her £20 rather than pick a present for her that day (I don’t get to see her often) and she was more than happy. We went into a shop and she decided to use the £20 I’d just gifted her for her birthday to buy something for partner’s sister 😕

*her partner’s sister

If it were me I would be glad my friend lets me treat her, so we can all enjoy the time together. If she paid I would just worry about her feeling stressed about the money.

I would say only suggest things you are happy to treat her to. If lunch feels like too much then suggest you each bring sandwiches and just treat the ice creams. I think you need to accept that she can't afford to reciprocate and only offer what you are happy to give without expecting reciprocity.

I think your last suggestion works really well!
Definitely try that before going down the speech route as I do think that would end the friendship.

Local if you read the full thread, you will see that we have already discussed the packed lunch/picnic suggestion and the OP wasn't keen.

One of my colleagues was always giving food to the young lad on my team. Until one day when YL announced he was going to Japan the following week on a complete whim. This was his third holiday in 8 months. Said colleague told him to buy his own effing food after that
Some people have no scruplesmand it just becomes a habit to accept everything offered

She probably wouldn't actually get the sundries if you weren't paying, preferring to go without, so if you feel that you don't want to pay for the sundries for her too, consider if they are really necessary in the first place, are there cheaper options, say bring a picnic rather than go to a coffee shop for instance.

Personally, I’d ditch the notion of ‘this is costing me £150 pcm’ and just go ahead and stop taking your bank card.
Limit yourself and your DC’s spending to say £20 for the day and have it in cash, so that’s your allowance for the day. This is probably what she does. If you’re buying lollies, don’t feel guilty to get your purse out and explain ‘I’ve only got a £10 note with me’; if that won’t cover you all then she should offer to pay for all/at least pay her own way.
Likelihood is that because you are friends you’ve probably seemed happy with the arrangement thus far and she doesn’t realise it’s bothering you

Now you’ve realised it’s bothering you, make a change 😊 you’re friends! It really won’t make a difference to your friendship if you stop buying ice creams.

Just don't get ice cream at the park. Ive been in the position of your friend til very recently and still have to be careful. I'd have preferred it if we just didn't get the ice cream at all but if you offered in front of my dc I'd say yes for their sakes. On the last I've done it for others though and will do it again when I'm in the position to. If it made no difference to me I'd love to treat my friends that were struggling bit doing it too often is not great either

This is an awkward situation for you. I think your solution of still having your fine treats out but less frequently is a reasonable one to reduce any resentment.

It sounds like she is a good friend. I feel that she must be for you to drive so far, so often to see her and spend so much as you have so far on her and her children. You wouldn't have gotten into this situation with a passing acquaintance.

It sounds like she has been through a lot over the past months, especially with Covid lockdown in a place she's ashamed to have you visit on top of everything else. It must have been lovely to spend time together after so long apart and I'm sure it was easy for you both to get carried away both timewise and saying go-on-then to another treat.

£150 is a lot of money. That's £30/week in a five week month. Is that for both of you or just her share?

Your poor friend - she hasn't finished falling yet. She'll learn why the poor folk here have said they wouldn't accept what she has. She's already embarrassed about you paying, says thanks and makes sure her kids do too but that's not enough. Her kids will learn not to ask. She'll learn to say she's doing intermittent fasting or watching her weight or reducing her plastic use to cover why she's brought just water for herself. She'll learn to 'give her excuses' as to why she can't meet up with you. She'll learn that she's supposed to be too proud, not just to ask for help, but also not to accept it when it is offered, apparently freely because accepting it lowers her in your eyes and makes you feel uncomfortable about your slushies and strawberries and cream.

You don't owe her £15 or £30 a week, whatever it is. Of course you don't. Many, many commenters have tried to give you suggestions for how you could reduce the cost of seeing your friend but continue to see her regularly.

But if this was a close friend of mine, and I could afford it, I'd give her that little escapism unless it was making her uncomfortable. If it did, then I would go for the cheap, picnic days out so she could take part and reciprocate as equals rather than always being scared I was going to pull her up on not paying her "fair" share.

But you need to find the line where you are comfortable and neither of you feel that you are donating to a charity rather than "here's the cost of a good day out with my best friend".

If you don’t want to pay don’t offer.
You are being unreasonable. If you set expectations that your hospitality must be reciprocated, even partially, you risk alienating your friend

Money isn't important compared with the value of a friendship. You can afford it. She can't. Just be grateful you are in a position to pay. There but for the grace of God, and all that.

She'd be mortified if she knew you had created this thread. Strangers talking about what a cheeky fucker she is because she didn't understand the proper stoic British way to not accept the kindness of friends who are just being polite lest she make them uncomfortable about the disparity between them.

You could just have said "not today" or organised the occasion to avoid the embarrassment. But no, you want her kids to know their place and not ask. Do you have any idea how hard and mortifying it is to know your kids might ask your friend for food? To have that conversation before hand about how it's not polite and to know they could still do it at any moment because they are impulsive, hopeful and gave been successful in the past?

Absolutely don't spend money on her that you would resent. But for you this just an awkward situation that can be resolved by learning how to say no gracefully or organising better so you don't have to and you can treat your kids at other times. She and her children have to live this every day. They'll learn that the impromptu slushies are for other people before too long, no doubt.

No way!!
Just meet in free places. I like a park. And bring your own food and drinks.

If it. Is just a few times sure fine. But by now she is EXPECTING IT
Which is wrong on about 38 levels

36 here. Savings fluctuate around £10k. I am shite with money.

The OP a few months ago on a thread asking about how much you have in savings.

So doesn’t sound like you can afford it really anyway!

You’re not