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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
averysuitablegirl · 28/06/2020 23:13

OP, you know that you need to leave and you also know that this is the most dangerous time for you.

Could you, your dd and your dog stay with a family member or friend as a first step?

Say NOTHING to your partner, but pack a bag when he's out or behind his back and nip to the shops/go on a dog walk and then don't return?

DishingOutDone · 28/06/2020 23:13

Just checked and you can ring the National Domestic violence helpline now. They are open now.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 23:15

We went into rented accommodation before, it was awful. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that.

OP posts:
Thehop · 28/06/2020 23:15

You’d rather let your 10 year old daughter watch her mum and dog be abused than “suffer” a rented house? A safe place for you and you kids to recover?

For fucks sake. Give your head a shake and get the fuck out. Now. Take your kids and your dog and go to your parents and ring the police on the way.

Badgerstmary · 28/06/2020 23:15

Please leave now before it’s too late!

GabsAlot · 28/06/2020 23:16

ffs sorry but i cant cope with your reasoning

DishingOutDone · 28/06/2020 23:16

@Smellbellina

We went into rented accommodation before, it was awful. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that.
I think that tells us all we need to know. People on here posting trying to help you and worried about your DD and you are worried about emergency housing Hmm
mellowww · 28/06/2020 23:16

so - just to be clear:

he put his hands around your neck, and left red marks. So he must have tightened his hands. Quite strongly, to leave marks.

How did you feel when he did this? Did you feel scared? Did you worry he wasn't going to stop?

CiderJolly · 28/06/2020 23:17

If this is real, then you know you could end up brain damaged or dead? Is that serious. And then what kind of life will your child have?

You wont put yourself first but come on, be a mother and protect your child- she has no choice in this. What a life for her?

Phone the police, they will help you.

ludothedog · 28/06/2020 23:17

Sorry op, your priorities are fucked up. Since you'd rather stay and be abused again, please let your DD and the dog go to your sister or grandparents. At least they can be safe.

nocoolnamesleft · 28/06/2020 23:17

You would sooner your 10 year old daughter suffer the emotional trauma of seeing her mother strangled than you would live in rented accommodation? Please rethink your priorities.

crosseyedMary · 28/06/2020 23:17

in any way that is really meaningful I freeze
this is part of the normal response to trauma, ie something which is overwhelming such that you are unable to process it at the time and you respond in an automatic or seemingly involuntary way.
It's not your fault that you freeze.

You must get out of this situation, you cannot allow things to progress.
Get out, put a stop to the trauma and you can start to heal from it.
PLEASE

destinasia · 28/06/2020 23:17

Social services will look at removing your child if you keep exposing them to violence. You need to protect them.

And yourself. I was suffocated by my ex and I still have nightmares and panic attacks about it 8 years later.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 28/06/2020 23:18

We went into rented accommodation before, it was awful. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that

I wish you well, OP, but I'm out.

crosseyedMary · 28/06/2020 23:18

Smellbellina
I think you are still in a kind of frozen state and not thinking properly

Junenamechange · 28/06/2020 23:19

You 'have worked and advised other women in this area'?

You haven't left because you don't want to be in rented accommodation?

You don't care that your pet is abused and your child is witnessing domestic violence?

You've left him before and gone back?

What did you advise these other women? What would you advise that could be said to your 10 year old when she finds her mother murdered or the dog killed in front of her?

But you don't want to be in rented accommodation. Unbelievable. Most of us would live in a sodding doorway with the DC and DDog.

GO TO YOUR PARENTS.

1235kbm · 28/06/2020 23:19

There's a lot you can do online OP.

You can email social services, live chat with Women's Aid, email the NCDV regarding your legal options, contact your daughter's school, make a report online to the police.

At the very least can you rehome the dog? There are specialist domestic abuse charities who can take him in for you if you can't look after him.

Contact the Dogs Trust Freedom Project:

Greater London and the Home Counties: 0800 298 9199
Yorkshire and the North East of England: 0800 083 4322
Scotland: 0808 169 4315

[email protected]

OP you have to get away from him.

Barton10 · 28/06/2020 23:19

Please leave it may be too late next time he may kill you. Call the police and report him and go to a solicitor for a non molestation order. My ex only did it once he wasn’t given the chance to do it again .

sangrias · 28/06/2020 23:19

. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that.

What??? Do you think this might be very selfish of you ... putting your kids in danger and exposed to this awful ongoing abuse. A shitty EA flat is better than seeing your mother being attacked and living in fear. It's not just about you. Please get yourself and your DC out of there.

NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite · 28/06/2020 23:21

I started out feeling great sympathy for your plight. However, having now read that he did this in front of your DC10 and that he also strangles your dog, I'm bloody appalled.

I am appalled by his disgusting behaviour.

I am appalled by your behaviour in not preventing him from attacking a vulnerable dog.

I am appalled at the example you have set your children. They will be damaged by this but you don't care enough about them to leave and all because you don't want to live in rented accomodation again. Ffs, what kind of a mother are you?

CJsGoldfish · 28/06/2020 23:21

At the very least your children need to be removed. They are probably already far more damaged than you realise. Not that they seem to be a priority to you so maybe you just don't care 🤷

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/06/2020 23:22

Every now and again there is a report on the news about a woman who has been murdered by her partner.

The statistical average in the UK is 2 a week. That's a lot more than every now and again. Not nit-picking with you for the sake of it but the OP and others in her situation need to realise that domestic violence that ends in murder is not an uncommon occurrence and warning signs absolutely cannot be ignored or minimised.

SummerDayWinterEvenings · 28/06/2020 23:23

Oh my God. Please phone your sister, ask her to phone 999 for you and then ask her to come with her partner and collect you, the children and any pets or maybe safer ask her to come with her DH and any friends he can rally and then ask her to phone 999 when she is outside, while you are waiting -wait outside. He WILL kill you. IF you don't leave. Can you imagine being a child who sees that........... Do it NOW!

HuggedTheRedwoods · 28/06/2020 23:23

@Smellbellina

We went into rented accommodation before, it was awful. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that.
I hope this whole post is made up but if this is true then all I can say now is please hand those children over to social services before they are too mentally damaged and that poor bloody dog to the rspca.
BarbedBloom · 28/06/2020 23:24

I will tell you a story I don't speak about much. My father was abusive to my mother and later me all of my childhood. There were lots of incidents leading up to it, smaller things like leaving us by the side of the road miles from home as I sang in the car. Bigger ones like smashing up a holiday cottage and our house.

My mother didn't want to go to a council house, frankly she prioritised the house over our safety. The night he strangled her, he thought they were alone in the house but my sibling had fallen asleep and missed his party and neither of them knew he was home.

He lost it, started strangling her, she said she knew she was going to die. My brother pulled him off her so my father threw him over the staircase bannister. He almost died. My mother almost died. My brother crawled to the phone and rang the police.

I went on to marry an abusive man as abuse was normal. He also strangled me and tried to cut my face off with a knife.

Remember, even if he doesn't mean to kill you, you can still die. It only takes too much pressure in the wrong place and you will die. Your husband will then either kill your daughter and himself, or your daughter will be left without either parent with a legacy of witnessing violence.