Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

[Smellbellina]

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

'We went into rented accommodation before, it was awful. I am lucky not to have to rely on emergency housing, it’s the pits. I’d rather stay here than do that'

But you don't need to rely on emergency housing. So get out.

@Smellbellina

I sound like a twat but I don’t think he will kill me next time. But I do think there will be a next time, so I’m not sure what I am waiting for

He might not even mean it though.

The neck itself and the bones and tubes and arteries and nerves etc it contains are such delicate things that he could damage one of those various things completely by accident but irreversibly and that will be it you will be dead or paralysed from the neck down.

It's one of the major flaws in humans that the neck is so vulnerable but it contains the most vital elements to life. If one of them becomes damaged for example blood flow or oxygen or electrical signals are the effect is unimaginably terrible.

Three months into dating a man he put his hand around my neck and applied pressure. I broke up with him promptly afterwards.

There should be NO three strikes and you're put rule here. It should be one strike and you're out. Value your life more.

Ok Op, sorry to be blunt. Say you stay with him. The abuse carries on, your dc grow up and leave home. Your dd gets into an abusive relationship and stays there because she thinks it's normal. Next you get a visit from the police coming to tell you that your dd has been murdered by her husband. Are you still going to be thinking at least she had somewhere nice to live. I very much doubt it, you will be wracked with guilt thinking why did I teach her to think that behaviour was normal. Please look after yourself and your dcs.

You might not get a chance to give him a 3rd strike because you might be dead by then. Or just as likely, if you’re not dead, you’ll give him one more chance. Done that myself with my ex who had a lot more than 3 strikes. Once you start forgiving them their abusive behaviour it just spirals in my experience and they step up their regime of abuse against you.

Please get out now. Don’t wait.

I'm not sure that the critical and snidey posts are at all helpful to the OP.

Trauma and shock affects how people think about a situation. OP clearly isn't able to completely take on board the true danger of her immediate situation, or she would go under.

People often focus on things that don't seem relevant to others, like her comments about the housing, when they're in a state of traumatic stress.

The snidey comments about OP not caring about her children aren't helpful to a woman who is already being very seriously abused.

Please listen to what you need to do. It is not right what he is doing. This is it; no more chances at all.

OP. I voted YABU. Once is one too many. Google women strangled to death by their partner and you'll see the numerous reports. I'm sure they all thought it wouldn't happen to them. This is a man who does not care about you or your children. A man who strangles you in front of your children. Do you want them to grow up thinking that this is what relationships are about? What would you say to them if they came to you when they are older and told you their partner was doing the same to them?

From experience, I know what it's like to witness a parent being abused. Almost 30 years later, I can still remember the incidences like they happened yesterday. Do you want that for your children? Having lived through it, I know if I had the choice then, I would rather have lived in rented accommodation or a refuge than to stay in my home in fear wondering when my mums abuser would strike again.

Please (if only for your children) listen to your family and leave.

Agree completely with @averysuitablegirl, please don’t try and shout at OP; it is bad enough to be abused; it sends you into another place. Please realise this and recognise that OP needs constructive support and not criticism.

BarbedBloom what a terrible experience for your mother, brother and you. It's so sad to read about.

I hope that things are better for you now. Kindest wishes to you.

@averysuitablegirl

If cold, hard facts don't work then what is the alternative???

@barbedbloom

Your post made me cry. I am so, so sorry. You and your brother deserved love and care and to be put first.

Your mother was a victim but that does not remove any of the grief, anger and lifelong issues that caused. I hope you know that.

Sending you love (and I'm never soppy on here) and feeling so much pride you have all that self awareness despite what you've been through.

Thank you for being brave enough to share your experience

"'I'm not sure that the critical and snidey posts are at all helpful to the OP."
I'm sure the sympathetic ones aren't helping either. I'm pretty sure the OP will do bugger all about this and will just wait for the 3rd strike.

She has been given good advice but isn't going to follow it. She doesn't want advice.

I'm sorry you would rather stay with your abusive husband, who has strangled you twice, modeling this behaviour to your children, letting them think this is normal and ok, rather than go into emergency housing where you are safe?

Snidey comments about a woman who is being abused may not be helpful but at least the op has a choice to stay.

My concern is for her child and dog who are also being abused but cannot leave. How much hurt/ damage will be caused to them until the op decides to leave or is killed?

So what if the third strike ends your life because he goes too far it's OK you have another one right... No he proved the first one was not a mistake by doing it a second time. If you have children for god sake take them and run. I witnessed this for years with my mum. It wasn't just the couple times with his hands round her throat and me pulling my dad off her at 12 years old it was the verbal crap that went with it. Do your self a favour you know you deserve better. Next time you may not be lucky enough to walk away.

How many chances will you give him when he starts on your daughter?

How many chances will you tell your daughter to give her partner when it happens to her - because if she is growing up seeing it happen then she's more likely to accept it as part of a relationship.

Please leave NOW

Crunchymum the only cold, hard facts in replies to the OP are those about the dangers of strangulation, that abusers don't just suddenly stop, that her dd should be protected from this, and that OP may well be dead soon.

The 'you're a terrible mother', 'you don't care about your children' and the classic 'I don't want to victim blame but...' (it's always the 'but' that shows that the person really, really does want to victim blame) aren't factual.

If cold, hard facts don't work then what is the alternative???

Not being insensitive victim-blaming cunts might be a good start.

excuse the language but for some of the posters on this thread it's entirely appropriate.

I’d rather stay here than do that.

Um what? You'd rather stay than get yourself and your children to safety. You are not safe where you are. You also cannot possibly guarantee that they are safe. Get the hell out of there with your kids.

Noteverythingisblackandwhite the OP's first post was half an hour ago.

Do you think she might need a bit of time to think things through?

Please OP, get to safety. You don't deserve this.

Has your 10 year old spoken about what she has seen?

Please leave him OP, I wish I had left on strike one because sometimes you can get really sucked in and end up staying far too long and you won't recognise yourself anymore.

Get rid of him while you can