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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Putting his hands around my neck... 3 strikes and you’re out?

883 replies

Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:03

He has done it twice so far, only left red marks. I have told people, they have asked I call police and given me details of a solicitor. I have a 3 strikes option in my head, this was strike 2, I have told more people this time (including his family) mine don’t like my position but accept it and have offered to pay for a solicitor.
3 strikes, AIBU?
I haven’t name changed for this as I don’t see why I should, it’s not my dirty secret to keep.

OP posts:
EvilPea · 28/06/2020 22:42

Is this what you want for your daughter? For her to think this is ok?

Please go, an old friend of mine was a 999 handler when he took the call from a small child asking for help as daddy was killing mummy.

Do you want that to be her? With no one? As your dead and dads in prison?

She needs you, she needs you alive to show her no man should touch you.

Original poster
Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:42

Men who kill their partners often kill the children as well.

Yes that held a lot of power for a lot of years. I don’t think he could stand the shame of it though tbh. They are older now, that threat holds less sway.

I told my DSis, her DH works high up in DV a cowardish part of me is hoping she tells him and he reports for me.

I just don’t want to have to talk to anyone about it.

OP posts:
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 28/06/2020 22:43

One strike - the next time you could die. Three strikes are for annoying niggly things not stuff that could literally kill you.

EvilPea · 28/06/2020 22:43

If your daughter tells her school or a friend. What do you think will happen?

Original poster
Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:44

Last time I called women’s aid a social worker turned up out of the blue when he was here, it really didn’t help me unfortunately. Although I think generally they are a good port of call.

OP posts:
Sforsh49 · 28/06/2020 22:44

Hands around neck is a trigger question on the Police Domestic Incident Report. Would put you into the high risk of serious future harm category.

Get out. Now. There might not be a chance to get out after the third occasion.

Listen to your family.

Dumbie · 28/06/2020 22:44

No matter the circumstances, violence in a relationship is absolutely not OK.

Hands around your neck is very violent.

Your daughter witnessed this? Please please show her that it's not OK and leave. And tell her this is why you are leaving.

Runbitchrun · 28/06/2020 22:44

He did it in front of your DD? This is horrific. I hope your family inform the police or social services. If you can’t protect your child then hopefully someone else will.

Dumbie · 28/06/2020 22:45

Please look after yourself

AnotherBoredOne · 28/06/2020 22:45

Hi OP
Can you get some professional help? Please don't wait for a third option.
You deserve better.

NeedToKnow101 · 28/06/2020 22:46

Well you and your children will never feel safe unless he leaves. Would you be able to get him to leave, with others help? And change the locks.

But if you own half the house it could be sold and you buy another. Your life is more important than your home.
Your children are living with abuse. Watching him do that to you is incredibly traumatic. Please find a safe way out of this nightmare.

laidbacklife · 28/06/2020 22:46

Pls don’t wait for the 3rd strike. It could be the last thing you do. Get out now.

lazylinguist · 28/06/2020 22:47

Yes that held a lot of power for a lot of years. I don’t think he could stand the shame of it though tbh

You don't think he could? Jesus Christ, OP. Why are you willing to gamble with your life and your dc's lives like this?

gobbynorthernbird · 28/06/2020 22:47

@Smellbellina

Men who kill their partners often kill the children as well.

Yes that held a lot of power for a lot of years. I don’t think he could stand the shame of it though tbh. They are older now, that threat holds less sway.

I told my DSis, her DH works high up in DV a cowardish part of me is hoping she tells him and he reports for me.

I just don’t want to have to talk to anyone about it.

Lol. You're assuming a man who doesn't give a shit that people know he's a wife beater will be too embarrassed to hurt your child.
1235kbm · 28/06/2020 22:48

Have you had any practical advice OP? You say that what's stopping you is losing the house that you own together - has anyone verified that to you? Have you sought legal advice on where you stand?

Did you have any of the strangulations checked out by a Dr? Strangulation can cause hidden internal damage as the are is very fragile which can lead to long term repercussions.

mrbob · 28/06/2020 22:48

@Smellbellina

What's keeping you with him? What's stopping you leaving?

Honestly? I don’t want to go in rented accommodation again. I want to be able to stay in the house we own with our children and without the fear of what he might do next. But I don’t know how to achieve that. When the chips are down you lots of parents choose a roof over their children’s heads and a situation they hope they can ‘manage’ over unreliable housing I think

Well currently you appear to be choosing being dead and leaving your children with an abuse me father over being in rented accomodation As PP have said strangling has the highest future prediction for murder. Stop making excuses. Get out if not for you then for your poor children who now think that this is NORMAL. It isn’t
bigfootfred · 28/06/2020 22:48

Don't wait third time you might not get away! I was stupid I stayed with an abusive partner too long and it's one of my biggest regrets

bumpsadaisy11 · 28/06/2020 22:49

What is going on in your head OP that you think that this is all that you deserve?
By staying, you are teaching your DD that this is acceptable behaviour in a relationship Sad

Schoolchoicesucks · 28/06/2020 22:49

OP - you have family who are supportive. Leave. Now. You are teaching your 10 year old daughter that this is how men behave to women. You don't "think" that he will kill you next time. What if her future partner does?

HollyCarrot · 28/06/2020 22:49

One strike. They don't get better and they generally get worse. How would you react to a stranger in the street throttling you? Get rid of him and get on to women's aid or something similar to help re-establish healthy boundaries.

nestisflown · 28/06/2020 22:50

Rented accommodation vs your children growing up in a violent home, and potentially losing their mother to violence? Not to minimise the logistical upheaval to you that leaving would entail, but surely you and your children’s physical and emotional well-being is far more important than owning a house?

ShinyMe · 28/06/2020 22:51

You don't think he'd kill you next time? You don't think he'd kill your daughter? WTF. You need to be with someone who you 100% for definite know would never hurt you and would never ever lay a finger on your child and who would put their life over his own. If you can't be absolutely rock solid certain of those two things then you need to run for the hills.

TJ17 · 28/06/2020 22:51

Hands around the neck? 1 strike.

Hands around my neck in FRONT of my 10 year old child?! Wow....wouldn't even get to the point of 1 strike to be honest. What else has that poor girl had to witness?

Get out of there and please get your children some therapy 🙏🏼😩

Kaathesnake · 28/06/2020 22:51

Sorry if I’m being thick here, Op
Do you mean during sex, or during a row?

Original poster
Smellbellina · 28/06/2020 22:52

My children probably think it’s ok, he does it to the dog and me and I say it’s not ok and fight back but I don’t really do anything do I? He still does it. They are learning this is what men do and they can. Fuck sake I am embarrassed and angry and sad and yet completely inept to deal with it in any real fashion. I know what I need to do, I know people will believe me, but I am waiting for another strike??! It’s like I fight back in small ways but in any way that is really meaningful I freeze.

OP posts: